I was sitting on my veranda just now with my cup of coffee in hand, my heart feeling unsettled and restless. In fact, it has felt that way for a couple of weeks now. Right after I posted about going on a near ten-week stretch of being on top of my household tasks, I began to notice a dwindling. At first, I figured maybe it was just an off day but that lull has been making itself at home and is beginning to overstay its welcome!
So I walked away from a disorderly kitchen this morning with the need to turn my heart to God. Afterall, those ten weeks were filled with my singing His praise for the energy and self-discipline I felt He was blessing me with. It felt like an undeniable reward for the complete willingness and surrender of my heart to embrace His appointed time, Passover.
It was so affirming.
But fifty days after passover is Shavuot which perfectly aligns with Pentecost. While Shavuot was Moses coming down from the mount with God's laws, Pentecost was the gift of the Holy Spirit (the law within our hearts) fifty days after Jesus was resurrected. Coincidence? I think not.
Shavuot was fast approaching but instead of turning my heart to His appointed time, I got caught up within my self and what I wanted and watched Shavuot come and go with no special attention from me. "Oh well, next year I will be more diligent."
It has only been the last few days that I have been connecting the dots and adding up how long I have been feeling deflated and it hit my like a tonne of bricks that my fatigue and sheer exhaustion coincides perfectly with Shavuot. Could it be??
So my spirit fell to its knees and asked forgiveness for fearing pleasing those of this world over pleasing our God! His special day had been filled with my attention placed on things and people of this world rather than on Him and the simple commandments He asked of me.
Yes, they are simple. Far more simple than the complicated webs we weave in this world of proper etiquette in pleasing others!
"Love me and do as I say."
As I sat there just moments ago, a prayer poured forth from me and words flowed through me that revealed so much more than just a questionable unrest.
"Father, I come to you now feeling as though I have lost the wind in my sails. Forgive me, Father. Look at the environment around me, the luxuries that I know... the freedom I live! This is the life of someone who has been richly blessed. Forgive me that my gratitude is so fickle that I am so easily distracted by my own heart's desires and far too willing to push you to the wayside as I pursue what I want. In so doing, I turned my back on you at Shavuot. You did nothing but wait lovingly for me and I did not come. And now I am restless with missing you and feeling distant. I know you have already forgiven me so I ask that you help me to forgive myself. I ask that you help me shed whatever it is that inhibits my sail from rising up and catching wind of your Holy Spirit once more... to propel me forward towards your good and pleasing Will. Help me to rejoice in my daily tasks and the ABILITY you give me to administer them. I love you so much. Thank you for your constant willingness to work on me, to refine me, to believe that I am worth the work. In Jesus' precious name... Amen."
With that I hopped up and came right to you to confess what I have struggled with these past couple of weeks. And as I typed about the meaning behind Shavuot, I literally gasped in realizing how much it aligned with my prayer! The literal feeling of the "wind in my sail" and feeling its absence affirmed the discord with my soul about Shavuot... the giving of His laws, the giving of His Holy Spirit.
Oh how He is gracious and patient with me despite such obvious "connect-the-dot" moments.
So there you have it folks. I've shed some healing tears and have tasted the freedom of humility from the revelation given to me thanks to the time taken this morning to truly SEEK what has been inhibiting me. No distractions, just the truth, please. And He gave it to me in full dose. Praise be to God!
Once again, I cannot thank you enough for the freedom of expressing my journey and the comfort of knowing you care enough to touch base. May you feel my love pour forth towards you this morning with the humility of knowing I am your simple servant, ever striving to look outside of just my SELF and to truly reach out with purpose and above all, love.