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Tuesday, 2 July 2002


(I wrote this in 2002 when I feared continuing in the life I knew which felt like a slow death versus trusting in God completely and submerging myself in faith to welcome change)

If I was to describe my world tonight, this is what I would say...

It would be night: one of those quiet nights where nothing stirs, and if not for the crickets, one would think life stood still. The sky is clear and so very big. It reminds me of life beyond and the countless worlds waiting for me.

I am barefoot in the grass, wet grass from humidity and remnants of the days sprinkling shower. I can feel the mud beneath my feet as I walk. I fear the night and the unknown. My heart thumps loudly. I am alone with the shadows of the night and I do not know where I am walking. I think it's towards a river. No, not a river. Something slower, more still. But I am headed towards water. The moon is full and illuminating my path, my unknown path. And yet I walk as though I've done this before.

My nightgown clings to me from the heat of the night and my hair is damp. I am alone on this road towards something that feels familiar yet foreign in the night setting.

My thoughts are deceiving. They try to scare me with false shadows lurking nearby and watching my every step. I look to the moon and the stars for reassurance and call upon the sense of being guided. But why am I alone? Why is it night? Where am I going? It is a feeling of being set apart. The comforts of my world in daylight include those whom I love. But the night has awakened only me and those whom I love do not know of my absence. I am forgotten, unmissed, unnoticed.

My feet greet the feeling of water. I am here. I keep coming here. I am so afraid of swimming in the night. I am too afraid of what I do not know. And even though the element of water has always been my savior, I cannot trust her to honor me in the shadows of the night. But if I do not swim this time, I will have to walk back home again and awaken to my world that remains unchanged. I know that if I do not take that chance, I may not swim to find my freedom. She calls to me every night and I turn away from her. Fear of what she possesses keeps only my feet immersed in her promises.

The moon is as bright as it can possibly be. The world is trying to accommodate my choice but I continue to fear her. What if she drowns me? What if her creatures turn on me? What if her shore escapes me and I am lost forever? I am screaming for her. My heart breaks every moment I turn my back to return home. Why does she call to me in the night? I would not fear her depth in the day! But she is quiet with her subtle sound of water. Patient and quiet like an old lagoon. She calls to me from within and then waits without condition when I arrive, watching as though piercing through my very soul with gentle enigmatic eyes. I cannot know her and yet she feels like she is me. Waiting. Just waiting for me.

This is my world tonight. This is my journey. My water heals me and curses me. She is my greatest love and my greatest fear. I am so afraid of her in this night. And I think I am about to turn my back on her once again. I hate that I do it, but I cannot find my courage. I simply cannot find my courage!

But I fear that she will forget me in time and that she will stop calling to me. I fear forgetting the sound of her future. I fear slipping further and further away from her promises and forgetting that she ever existed. And I will continue to live my life empty of the water from which I emerged. I will forget my home and who I was truly meant to be. I will lose my water and never be the same again...