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Saturday, 30 July 2011

From Week to Weak

Wow... has it seriously been that long since I last found myself typing in  I guess with the fact that I hesitated to remember my password, I would say YES!

I wish I could say to you that I have been non-blogging due to renewed energy around the home after my last confession but sadly, I have found myself struggling with a strange low.  Somedays I feel like a strange science experiment... like I can step outside of my own body and look at myself analytically, making notes of behavioural changes, physical indications, etc... and other times I feel lost in whatever universe I feel that I have created within myself.

This past week, it's as though I stepped outside of my body and have watched an unfurling of strange behaviour, wondering if I am even watching "me" at all!

What has bothered me the most is that despite constantly sorting through emotions, events, reactions, etc... I can't seem to pinpoint what triggered this "episode", why it's happening, or what it means.

I have felt my body shutting down, which I do not have time for nor the means to truly rest to nip it in the butt.  Sure enough, I have had low-grade fevers, chills, hot flashes and since yesterday, a lost voice!  Hmmm, run down.  Okay body, fine, I hear you but how on earth do you propose we tend to this home and this family if you are run down?  Work with me here, will ya?

Then comes the energy level... or lack thereof.  If I could curl up in a ball and sleep for three days straight, I think that I would!  Where is this fatigue coming from?  I went twelve years without sleeping through the night and managed better than this and here I am actually getting six hours of consecutive sleep this past week (as we have enforced some better sleeping patterns on Sivana) and I am more exhausted than ever???

Or is my body protesting saying "um, excuse me... but I can't help but notice that is is possible to get more than two hours of sleep at a time... we have some serious making up to do here, lady!"

And then there are the emotions.  Man o man I don't know what concoction of potent emotions my brain decided to dip itself into this week but it must be some kind of bad batch!!  Crying to yelling, laughing to crying again, trusting to mistrusting, understanding to defensive... I have travelled the full gamut of possibility this week, folks, and I dragged my family along with me... unwillingly!

And now I understand the saying "if mama aint happy, NOBODY's happy!"  (Yes, I seriously just used the word "ain't"... I'm as sad about this as you are!).

I think I also understand the concept of CAVES now, too.  I think the world would have been better off if I had found one this past week and did not emerge until Mrs Hyde went away on permanent vacation!

Oh... did I mention the shame?  I can see how irrational I am being.  I can see how my reactions are spiteful and hurtful.  I can see that I am intentionally careless in my words and responses.  To those whom I love the most, I am watching them retreat from the ricochet of my wreckless emotional onslaught.  I am standing outside of myself watching in horror, not understanding why I am ALLOWING this... why I am not jumping back into my skin and taking over whatever monster has just taken up residence instead!

How weak!  How pathetic!  And now these are apparent to those whom I love the most.

It has been the strangest week.  I don't understand why.  Today I feel a little better but I can feel tears close to the surface.  Even last night, Melina was joking about when Duane and I used to tuck her into bed (we'd read a bit of the bible together and each take a turn to pray).  She laughed as she said "I remember I would pray first, then you, then Duane.  When it was your turn, you'd say stuff like 'as I look around at your beauty and see the trees budding to life, and the water traversing its journey towards the ditch... blah blah blah' and Duane and I would look at each other & roll our eyes.  After ten minutes when it was finally Duane's turn, he would just say 'Amen.'"

And Duane and Melina laughed.

Normally, I would laugh, too.  But for some reason, last night, that hurt.  Everything seems to hurt this week, like my usual logical filters have been shut down or else defensive filters have been put up.  I let it sting.  And really, they were right.  You guys know it well from my long-winded blog entries... I can really go on and on and on about details!

But in my heart, God took the time to make these details.  And I don't want to miss them!

Regardless, they were right but instead of joining in their laughter, I found myself feeling deeply hurt like being "me" was annoying and that people often look at each other behind my back and roll their eyes.  But normally, other people's opinions about me don't bug me.  They are entitled to think whatever they want.  That's their right.

So why did I let that hurt so much?  Will it still hurt when I climb back into my skin and take over this foreign being again?  What happened to "me"??

And there you have it folks, after a long, long time, I finally log back in only to confess a truly ugly image of whatever it is I have been this past week.  I hope that the next time you hear from me, I can look back on this and laugh.  I don't like feeling fragile like this... unstable.  It scares me and I think it scares my husband and kids.

Today, I would like to reach out to you with whatever prayer that emerges... perhaps something along the lines of "Heavenly Father, I ask that you bless your children out there... all of them created from your breath... your will.  The ones going about in their day and those taking the time to read these very words.  Bless them, Father.  Give them continued clarity to know WHO they are and to recognize anything that knocks them off kilter.  Give them the support and the strength they need to re-balance and rediscover WHO they are, to be freed from whatever bears them down and free to soar above their hardships.  For their loved ones standing on the side-lines, may they be kept safe in knowing it is just a bump in the road and all will be well soon enough.  And for those who do not find themselves struggling with these feelings at all, may you continue to bless their strength of mind and of heart.  Thank you for the beautiful people you have placed in my life and the support they are to me through these moments.  Thank you for life and yes, the intricate details you take time to make!  Help us all to laugh at ourselves and be freed from fear of other people's opinions.  In Jesus' precious, precious name... Amen."