You just gotta love those female hormones. Either I can blame today's emotions on that or I took some crazy pills today! Now for all you lovely ladies out there, tell me if you can relate to this scenario (as part of me wonders if I really am partly crazy).
You start thinking about your husband and your heart swells with love and you think of all the ways that he is wonderful and your thoughts drift back to the many people who have told you how lucky you are to have him as a husband...
Lovely thoughts... initially... but then you start to wonder if you, in turn, are special, too. And the thought pattern looks something like this:
"He is always so giving. Yesterday he was barely home because he was helping so-and-so and then on the way back he stopped in to check in on so-and-so and sure enough they were in need of help. Then I had a major headache and he watched the kids for two hours while I rested. And he is always motivated to keep working no matter what... I don't feel motivated no matter what. Look at the laundry pile on the couch... sheesh, I've been starring at that pile for how many days now? I should really have it all put away before my friend comes over tomorrow. Ah see? Now I am deceptive... I bet you Duane isn't deceptive. Why should my motivation be for my guest to think that I keep a clean house? I keep it clean like every three or four days... I bet all the other wives out there keep it clean all the time. Hmmm, maybe I am not a very good wife. I'm being pretty pessimistic right now... that's not very good. Who wants to be with a pessimistic woman? Oh my goodness, I am a TERRIBLE wife! I even complained about the way he put the dishes in the dishwasher the other day instead of THANKING him for putting dishes away! I don't deserve him! I am TERRIBLE! I used to be a nice person who always looked on the bright side of things and now I just talk to myself about how pathetic I am! He is not going to want to be with the woman I have become! Ah crap, I forgot to take meat out for supper tonight... see? I am a terrible wife! Where are the cookies?"
And so on and so forth. This is usually the part where my husband pokes his head in from outside and asks with a loving smile "when's lunch going to be ready today?" What is my response after this whole mental ordeal? And here's the real kicker... I get upset... WITH HIM! Where on earth does logic fit into this picture?
"Lunch will be ready when it's ready okay?? I will call you when we're ten minutes away."
Somehow, despite a slight look of surprise on his face, he then asks if I think I'll be able to catch a nap with the kids this afternoon. I know he is right. I am grumpy and should sleep but somehow, having him say it really does not help in that moment.
"Are you saying I am grumpy??"
"NO! Well, maybe a bit."
Oh good grief someone keep the bull-pen closed because this bull is snuffing and bucking in its pen! But the truth is, I AM being grumpy. He is not saying anything but the truth!
And then that brings me right back to the fact that he is so good about being honest even in the face of an overtired, grumpy wife... he can still stay loving and calm by seeing past the moment and knowing I am just being bonkers (hopefully temporarily). And if I had just thought about lunch an hour ago, I could have had the meat thawed and a lunch ready for noon!! For a deserving husband!
So this is where I am almost pleading with you ladies to relate to this to some extend or I really am going to think I am the worst wife in the world to a very good man. I miss being myself! The fun-loving care-free girl who would make up wacky (or rather dorky) dance moves in the kitchen while working or leave funny notes in my husband's wallet or answer the phone when he'd call by saying "City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em." My favourite (which annoyed Duane the most) was my whiny voice (similar to Janice from the TV show "Friends") when I would ask him "So, do you fight fires?" This is funny because the poor guy has had women throw themselves at him for being a firefighter! In that terrible voice, I would ask him "Would you have married me if I sounded like this?"
At which point he would chuckle, look me straight in the eyes and say "No!"
Aha! Perhaps not so perfect afterall! Oh who am I kidding? The guy would be a saint if he had said yes. Saying no makes him somewhat human!
All of this rambling to say that I feel like a big pessimistic overweight wife who is not showing enough gratitude for the blessings in her life. Sigh. I will have to devote some time to praying for the world again because when I think of others instead of myself, it is truly uplifting! Ah man! Now I turned even a selfless act into something selfish! ARGH!!!
Okay, enough with the pity party! I am choosing to stop this right now. In fact, it is 11:04 pm as I type these words and I am going to stop typing, get down on my knees and pray for all of you out there. I will delve so deep in prayer that I will ask God that you each feel a special twinge of joy in your heart even as you read these words! See? I am starting to feel all pumped about it already! Oh it is far more fun loving you all out there than beating myself up! (And this my friends would be an example of hormonal roller coaster rides).
Bless you all out there for checking in on this crazy nut of a woman. I love you all for sharing of your time, and for connecting with me at the best of times... and the worst of times. May this blog entry find you in your own mental spaces (whether positive or negative) and know that you ARE something special even in those not-so-great moments. And should you feel deep in a pit of darkness (or pity party) open your heart to prayer for those around you, those whom you love, those whom you don't know and finally, those who have hurt you... and find your BEAUTY. You are all truly something special! After all, you contain the breath of God, right? I cannot imagine anything more special within you! Love you, bless you and all that good stuff!