I am blissful... exuberant... in pure heaven!
Baby Sivana is almost too good to be true! She nurses every four hours, goes to sleep on her own and sleeps peacefully until her next feeding at which point she lets out a tiny cry and that's it. She nurses BEAUTIFULLY and efficiently (a key to a happy baby, in my opinion) and is such a contented little angel. Last night, she even gave me a SIX HOUR STRETCH!!
Six hour stretch, people! Ethan did not give me that until he was a year old!
Ok, before this post becomes nothing but exclamation marks, I should take a deep breath and remember that it has only been one week. Oh but it has been a blissfully good week! Doh, there goes another exclamation mark...
Had we let the fear of God that we would have another Ethan be the deciding factor on whether or not to have another child, we would have never known Sivana Grace. Thank goodness for wacky ovulation when weaning a child! Hee hee hee! All I can say is that I am very grateful God has taken "control" out of our own hands regarding Sivana, the circumstances of her presence both in the womb and that of her special arrival to the outside world.
Even while I was pregnant with her, I have never been one to reflect and seek inner peace prior to opening my big mouth but somehow while being pregnant with Sivana, I felt a great peace and introspection I have never experienced before. That's one of the reasons we chose Grace as her middle name.
All of it culminated beautifully with my labour and birthing experience with her, too. Pure peace and surrender (ok, maybe not right away but once the process began, all was surrendered).
I am finding myself reflective on that "fight" or struggle prior to surrendering or letting go of control in any or all aspects of life. Even death. For me, it is not death that I fear but that process in between. No differently than as a first time mother, it is not the birth of your child that you fear, but the process of birthing that can be most frightening.
And yet, when the process finally begins, you wonder what you had worked yourself up for so badly in the first place! You wonder, "sheesh, had I not fought this so much and wasted so much energy on this, I would have realized how simple and beautiful this actually is!"
Now I have no idea what the circumstances of my own death will be when that day comes, but I hope that I will not fear it as I have all these years. I hope that the process will be beautiful and that my surrender brings me a peace I never knew to imagine.
And the same goes for any major changes in my life (which some could describe as a sort of death). Letting go of the familiar, the comfortable and embarking upon a new path is always so scary! And I have fought it on so many occasions. It's as though I stand between these two doors and I want to shut the one but not without having already opened the other... a safety net, if you will. However, the rule is clearly laid out "only one door can be opened at a time". But you try and try to just have that old door open a smidgen before trusting the new one to open. Then finally, that leap of faith moment when you shut it completely and you hover there in what feels like an abyss only to find the new door open wide with pouring light! And the age old question "why did I fight this for so long?"
So here I am, finding time to blog, kitchen cleaned and laundry on the go, feeling like the queen of my world! I can finally pee normally again, bend over and pick up the plethora of toys around the house without sounding like a walrus, I can sleep on my back again and fit my feet in my shoes. I can run up the stairs without huffing and puffing (by step three) and my world as a mother of five is looking more promising than I knew to imagine.
Now, you'll have to remind me of this post should Sivana discover her lungs and the joys of having mom all to herself in the middle of the night!
But for now, today, at this very moment... all is so good. What a gracious and glorious God to have blessed me as He has. I praise Him with all of my heart and soul. Thank you, Father... thank you for this life you have given me. Amen.