Um, yeah... too bad the new-found serenity from my previous entry didn't last into this past moment!
Can you guess who is causing the upset? Could it be my healthy Melina? Nope... Could it be my healthy Isabel? Ironically, no. Anika, you wonder? Nope! Once again, my Ethan's health is spinning my head into a frenzy.
We took some family pictures outdoors on Sunday which ended up being quite a chilly day. I thought I had Ethan well clothed but he woke up Monday morning with a runny nose, congestion and the beginnings of a cough. Anika began complaining "mommy, I tired." So I knew something was up with her, too. That and she kept running up to me yelling "I NEEEEED a kleenex, mom!"
Sure enough, today both kids have full blown (pardon the pun) colds. Thankfully, Anika's mood is not affected by it. She has been sweet as pie these last few days but poor Ethan's breathing has been getting progressively worse. Earlier today, he was beginning to develop a fever and tonight, his breathing is laboured. He is miserable and can barely nurse due to stuffiness & a runny nose. His fever is getting worse and he is growing more and more irritable.
So is this a minor cold or did he contract the feared H1N1? You know, if he was a normal child, I wouldn't get so scared when he gets sick like this. But he is not a normal child health-wise and I am DEAD scared of what a powerful virus would do to him.
And with that fear in my heart, I attempted to take his oxygen sats using Izzy's machine but it requires sitting still with the probe on your finger for several seconds. Well, have you met Ethan? Add a dose of irritability and it's like trying to probe a jumping Mexican bean... or some other legume he is NOT allergic to.
I lost it and spanked his little padded bum because he was just screaming and screaming and flailing and all I wanted to do is make sure he doesn't need emergency care. That frenzied moment where you just don't know what to do anymore and stupidity takes over.
Recognizing that I was in "the danger zone" (you know that fine line between sanity & insanity?) I quickly brought him upstairs, put him in his crib and left the room as fast as I could. I came back downstairs to my supper that was now burning due to being side-tracked and Duane calls from work (at the time he would normally be arriving home) to say he got held back and would be home in the next twenty minutes.
Ethan is screaming on the monitor and I don't know how to fix him, how to find out what is happening inside of him... and is it a tantrum or is it pain? What is happening and when will I ever get the answers?
And the internal voice yelling at God begins "If you're planning on taking him early anyways than get it over with already! I can't take this anymore!"
...And cue the flood of tears...
With every day that he grows more and I learn more about him, the more I love him. The longer we go down this road the more heart wrenching it would be to lose it. Are we fighting a losing battle? I just want to know if my heart will be ripped from my chest... is that too much to ask? I feel like my faith is on the brink of jumping off the cliff. I know I have many blessings to be thankful for... just read my next entry and it is obvious that the blessings are abundant. But these deep pains where my children's health is concerned are just cruel.
First Isabel... years of not knowing from one day to the next if she would make it. All the vomiting up to twenty times a day, all the trips to emergency, that blasted moment in the resuscitation room... all those moments where my heart stopped beating for fear it would go on WITHOUT my precious little one. It took nearly eight years but she finally attained health. Now she is hardly ever sick!
But now there is Ethan... my heart feels so much where he is concerned. Just last night I was telling Duane that I am more than willing to keep nursing and being restricted in every single thing I put in my mouth if it means Ethan is healthy and with us. I don't want to complain about how hard it feels because I would kick myself for it if we ever lost him. And then I wonder if in eight years, I will look back at this time and be glad it is over? Just like I am doing with Isabel? What is in store for Ethan?
When he gets sick, it scares me so much. How long before we seek help? How can we help him in the meantime? Like I said, if he was a "normal" child, this wouldn't bother me nearly as much as it does.
So there you have it. My ugly meltdown of October 7th, 2009... less than a week away from Ethan's first birthday. My son who was born on Thanksgiving day... perhaps there is more link between these last two entries than meets the eye. I will have to pray and seek further guidance, a stronger heart and a faith more willing to submit lovingly to God's plan. Wherever you are as you read this, I love you for being part of this with me. You in Netherlands! You in Korea! You in Oakbank and Dugald! You in Brandon! Etc... All of you... thank you so much. I do not feel alone in this.
I do not feel alone.