I cannot believe the irony, without fail, that ANY time I wait a little while before posting that things are going great, they begin to fall a part not even twenty-four hours later. And then I figure I should wait a little while longer before posting again to see if things are a temporary bump in the road or another problematic period...
Finally, I post that things are NOT going great (which is what I am about to do) and lo and behold, things magically begin to turn around.
Is this coincidence? Is this a demonstration of the power of prayer? Is this some sort of strange cyclical thing and I keep missing the wave? Is life seriously that ironic?
Wait til you see Ethan's recent pics... hang on, will upload some now... We have been hosting lots of company over the last few weeks... could that be it? He seems to be fighting a cold... could that be it? We introduced chicken (which he had a reaction to) could this be lingering effects? I have had more honey in my diet the last few days... could that be it? He definitely acts up if I have had ANY sugar (especially if it's not a naturally occurring sugar)... I have not been able to sleep for a few weeks, is that affecting my milk? Is it the time of year (mould)?
On and on and on the brain goes in the typical over-analysing methodical regurgitation of EVERY little aspect and step in our lives that could POSSIBLY attribute to Ethan's flare-up.
Last night, he woke up so many times that I just stopped counting (mostly because I couldn't remember where the count was at anymore). I hovered in some between-sleep haven inhabited only by the faint sound of Ethan crying, the realization that I was nursing again and the realization that I had to go pee... yet again.
Well, should I die unexpectedly, you can all come to my funeral and joke about the fact that I am FINALLY and I mean FINALLY in ETERNAL SLUMBER!!! Ok, morbid joke, but sadly, I am only half kidding...
Sleep... I think I could write a few books on the psychological effects of lack of sleep. The person you think you are, unshakable and constant, packs its bags and goes away on some little vacation leaving you wondering if you ever truly knew yourself at all. Coherent sentences are a thing of the past as you take on some incarnate form of Porky Pig. And finally, it is realizing that you are standing in the Superstore checkout stand before noticing that your hair looks like you swam in a vat of grease and you're wearing the T-shirt with the big crusted dark circle right around the breast you leaked from earlier that day... or was it yesterday?
Aint motherhood BEE-U-TIFUL?
At least I can say I had two glorious weeks of efficiency, sleep, and best of all HOPE! Two weeks of realizing this will not last forever (even though it feels like an eternal slow-torture of sleeplessness). Two weeks of taking care of myself again and feeling encouraged that who I "thought" I was truly is there beneath this all. Two weeks of thinking "hey, maybe we COULD have another child down the road".
And then these last two weeks to throw me into a panic and wonder if I should get a hysterectomy!!! Nah, I am kidding... mostly.
Hence the "down" part of my roller-coaster postings (wait, no, the last one was even lower... very serious and sombre... sorry about that). Let's hope that this means the next posting will be a good one and we will begin shifting our way UP and OUT of these dark & tiring few weeks.
As for prayers, Ethan has been wheezing at night and there is some concern that we may be experiencing the onset of asthma. Studies show that severely allergic children who ALSO have asthma are at far greater risk of death due to anaphalaxis than other allergic children. This just gets better and better, eh folks?
This is where irony visits us again... I used to be the parent who got so annoyed with the "school allergy" warnings my daughters would bring home. "Come on! It's bad enough I can't make peanut butter sandwiches or send her with healthy granola bars, now there's a kid with dairy allergy, too? There goes the yogurt or cheese stick I can send!"
Seriously, you guys, that was me. The parent who just didn't get it. I was willing to send Mina to school with a granola bar telling her "just wash your hands after". Boy I wish I could go back and slap myself across the face. How dare I be willing to put someone else's precious child AT RISK of DEATH for some stupid inconvenience issue on my part. How unbelievably stupid that I was put off about how difficult this inconvenience was on MY life when this child's parents had to wonder every single day whether or not they could TRUST that the school was providing an environment for their child that wouldn't kill him or her.
Now that I "get" it (and boy do I get it) and I come across people who are "annoyed" by other people's allergies as though they are thinking to themselves "oh, these people are just OVERREACTING" man o man I have to fight cutting off their airways and watch them choke and fill with fear in wondering if I will let go in time for them to live or if this is it. So they can KNOW that is what it is like!
Is this it? Is this the moment?
I suppose we all should have that lingering over our heads to some extent... that way we LIVE each moment of our lives not in judgement of others but in LIFE and LOVE. Is it worth holding on to this THING if it will mean nothing to me in those final moments? Is it worth holding this grudge if it will accomplish nothing in the end other than my own lack of resolution?
Christ said, "the end times will come like a thief in the night" meaning we should LIVE our lives READY. So here is my prayer for you today: that you be blessed with a new understanding of allergies and those around you who have to LIVE with them... that you be filled with a sense of awareness of your own life time-line and a deep desire to make the most of every second you are gifted with on this earth... that you feel good and blessed about being here in the first place and lastly, that you know you are LOVED. Blessings to you all out there!