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Saturday, 23 May 2009

7 month old boy for sale

I honestly don't know what more to do for this kid. I think he will be the death of me!

I am living off of grass food for crying out loud, wearing 100% cotton, eating sprouts, making EVERYTHING that goes in our mouths from scratch, washing our clothes in flippin' Soap Nuts and using Debbie's Dryer Balls in the dryer! I use almost NO chemicals when cleaning the house, we have no dairy or eggs in the house, we got rid of our farm animals, we've doubled our grocery bill because of our special diet needs, we've paid through the nose for homeopathic, naturopathic, conventional prescription meds from allergy specialist & dermatologist & pediatrician and now we are trying a Chinese medicine acupressure doctor...

And my son has slept a total of 2 1/2 hrs ALL DAY today and is STILL screaming as I type this. Oh that's not to mention the five to ten times we get up in the night.

I have HAD IT! I am so TIRED and I can't even have the luxury of ordering a quick meal or even a frozen meal when I've got nothing left in me! These are the moments nobody warns you about... the moments where you would do anything to NOT have this child anymore. That HORRIBLE moment where you can understand why demoralized parents shake their children from sheer loss of all their reserves...

Nobody ever tells you about the feeling of not wanting your own child anymore. And it SUCKS!

What's wrong with him? I don't know anymore. I am so sick and tired of my head spinning around and around trying to piece every possibility together, of trying to do research and reading books, of taking herbs and oils and teas.

I just want a NORMAL baby! I just want to be a good mom!

I had ONE good week just over a week ago. No matter what the night, I was up with Anika & Ethan between 6:30 and 7:00 a.m., potty training with Anika, morning nap for Ethan, outdoor hour with Anika while Ethan slept, laundry done, house cleaned, meals made, etc... It's the closest thing to a routine that I've had in seven months! I was pumped, I was energized (well, motivated) and feeling like there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

But when I get my older girls back for my week with them, everything goes down hill for some reason. Ethan won't sleep properly, routine is disrupted with unexpected stuff, etc...

I don't know what to do or what to try anymore. I feel deflated and unrewarded for all of our efforts... all of my efforts!

I even baked a too-much-chocolate cake for Izzy's birthday and watched everyone around me eat pizza while I ate quinoa vegetable stir-fry without soy sauce. Mmmm. Come on!! Doesn't that earn me ONE night of sleep?

I just want to know when this will all end. When will it get better? How much longer do I need to live off of just forty-five minutes to an hour of sleep at a time? Just give me an end date and I'll endure it because at least I will KNOW that it will end!!

So there you have it... my down-in-the-dumps, worst-mom-of-the-year award feelings dumped on all of you like a sack of potatoes. Plop! I pray my next entry will be a little more uplifting. Take care out there...


Anonymous said...

Dear, sweet, amazing Rita,

You are an exceptional mom to all of your kids. And yes, even exceptional moms can have moments and days even of wishing they were anywhere but where they are.

You are going through incredibly difficult times, and of course it is feeling impossible to cope... you are stressed, sleep-deprived (this is used as torture in many POW situations!), and trying so very hard to do more, learn more, do anything you can to find a solution to Ethan's health needs.

You are an amazing mom, wife, friendand woman.. and I admire you immensly. It is exhausting to go the extra distance at the best of times, and in your case, you don't even know where the extra distance ends.

Now, I'm hearing that your greatest needs are food approved by your special diet, and SLEEP. How can we, and your other friends and family best support you in these things? You could post some recipes and we could each prepare a couple of dishes for you to have stashed away, and help you get some naps in...

With love, prayers, and huge admiration,

Anonymous said...

It's no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. It has been a lot to deal with.

You are to be commended as you are trying everything you can think of. I am sorry things are so difficult. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Your cousin,

Anonymous said...

Dearest Rita,

I know there are no words to acknowledge all that you do, all that you endure... Just imagining what it must be like is absolutely mindboggling and heartwrenching. All I can say, dear sister, is that only a most loving mother's heart and soul could take this all on as you have. Stay strong, love yourself, love your babies - I pray it will get better real soon.

Love & Prayers,
Diane xoxo

PS The next time you host a gathering, I say everyone must eat what you eat. No more pizza, no more cakes, etc. to add to the already heavy challenge!! Seeing that ooey gooey chocolate cake over the webcam made my mouth water for Pete's sake!!! :-)