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Monday, 15 September 2014

Anxiety and Poems (an Odd Mix)

Hello out there!  I'm going to confess something... since mid-August, I have been suffering from panic attacks.  You know what sucks about admitting this?  For one thing, I feel weak in spirit.. after all, "perfect love casts out all fear."  And secondly, I feel like it makes me look not-so-good in the sanity department.  Cue the humble pie, yet again!  So why panic attacks?  In short, whether logical or not, I feel like end times are imminent.  And I know it's a time of horrible suffering for everyone, my family included, and that terrifies me.

My logic says "no one knows the day or the hour" but live life "awake" and ready, loving others without condition and ready to shine His light of love to all of His creation.

But scripture tells me we will be hated.  Hated.  This just makes me so sad.  I think you all know enough about my imagination that it can be my worst enemy sometimes!  Well I will not even begin to tell you the horrific imaginings I've had and the worst part is for whatever reason, I can't just snap out of it.

Every ounce of my logic wants to slap myself across the face, then terror of "what's wrong with me that I can't snap out of this?" gets me in a downward spiral.  Why?  If it's end times, everything will pan out according to his will!  He warned, "some of you must perish by the sword, some of you to prisons but endure with loving obedience to the end, even unto death... because this is how you will make me known."

Suffering.  Death.

Reading about the events in Middle East has me crying out in prayers of supplication for all persons involved!  Both sides!  Surely love can conquer all things?  Surely we can see that we are all seeking after God the best way we know how with our limited abilities and not knowing which scriptural authorities we can fully trust.  But we seek!

Can't we help each other in seeking?  Can't we all ask ourselves "ok, I am human trying to understand the divine.... chances are even if He lays it out plain as day, I will be limited in my understanding... which only HE can give me... so I must always be open to reason!"

I can't claim to fully understand, and I can't imagine taking someone's life because they don't fully understand.  Especially given that this other life is God's very creation.  Doesn't He say that vengeance will be His?  Are we not suppose to try to win souls?  Isn't His mercy His greatest attribute?  He is just, absolutely, and that's what makes His mercy when we deserve so much worse... well... divine!

But I fear the suffering and I pray for those who are living it.  May God Almighty pour His spirit upon you and fill you with His strength.  May you see your adversaries with eyes of compassion, for they know not what they do.  Even they are fulfilling the part of the script that must be fulfilled.

I found the following two poems in a box in the garage tonight as though I needed to find them.  Deep down I think I've always known these days.  I share them with you now.  The first one was my first poem written soon after I turned 12.  During the ages 11 and 12, I experienced this same anxiety from sundown til the first rays of light in the morning.  It was a tormenting time for two years and bless my father who patiently endured my tears, my fears as I tried to explain what seemed unexplainable and bless my mother who looked into resources for help.  At age 13, somehow it all just stopped.  I am praying for this same restitution.  Even if end times do end up being imminent, I want to be living my life in the fullness of my faith... not my fears.

Here are some things I wrote during the anxiousness I felt.  Strangely, the poems would come out as though it was an adult looking back on their life.  I never understood that, but chose to just let the pen respond to what was in my heart.

Alone At Sea

In my little boat I steered,
the ocean was nice and mild.
But when the raging storm appeared,
it went from nice to wild.

When the boat tipped and turned,
I'd get all dirty and wet.
But when the boat began to sink,
It was then I fell and wept.

I thought, "my gosh well it's the end,
my life was sad and odd."
But then I sat and thought some more,
and began to talk to God.

"Lord, my Father," I began to say,
"My life was so hard to live.
I never took, I never fought,
but I would always give.

Sometimes I'd stop and take a break
to try to think things through.
But all throughout the life I lived,
I know, you know, I knew.

So tell me, Lord, before I leave,
why things were the way they were.
Cause all throughout the life I lived,
no peace did ever occur."

The Distance

On the road I walked upon
so long and never ending,
I saw the life I lived those years,
and how they were depressing.

I saw my years of loneliness,
of tears, of hurt and lies.
I noticed that the moon was gone,
and the sun still did not rise.

Through the darkness I kept my way,
but shadows would appear,
from there I got the strangest feeling,
a feeling of coldness and fear.

From time to time a light would shine
so very strong and bright.
But other times it got so dark
that nothing was in sight.

Sometimes I wondered where to turn
for in the dark, I did not know.
But something deep inside me,
told me exactly where to go.

Watching all those restless days,
I tried but could not grin,
so there I asked the Holy One,
to forgive my sins.

And there I saw three angels come,
so I followed like a sheep.
We walked towards the kingdom,
and since then I rest in peace.

There you have it, my dear ones.  A humble post confessing the weakness I feel these days.  Just know that wherever you are, I pray for you.  I uplift you with such love, knowing that whether we have the same understanding about God or not, I know He made both you and me from the same lump of clay... and His breath is purposed in you and its purposed in me.  He will fulfill all that He has said He would, and there is a terrifying awesomeness in that.  And someday, when the end comes, we will be given perfect understanding.  The best part?  Then He will finally be given the glory and honour He deserves.  I ache to love Him perfectly.  I ache knowing that no matter how much I yearn and seek, I am blinded by my human limitations and can only give Him what I know while praying He will continue to teach me and reveal to me where I can do better.  I sooooo desire to skip the seven years of tribulation and go straight to the light of His glory... but He is a God of His word and part of what's coming is to get everyone's attention.

From the bottom of my heart, God bless you all out there.  If you are feeling anxious these days, may He blanket you with His promised love and presence.  Peace be with you all, my brethren.

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