Does He see those in bloom, fearless of a potential frost, trusting that giving it their all will bear fruit as God sees fit? Does He see those who remember all too well the sting of previous attempts to bloom too soon and their resulting reluctance and hesitation to trust fully? And even in such varying states, does it look as beautiful to Him as this tree looks right now? Afterall, God knows in the end, we're all in the process of blooming. And that IS beautiful!
I felt like the hesitant bloom the other day when we made our way to the audiologists office to re-test Sivana's hearing. I had emailed them saying we believed there was a significant difference and wanted to check again... I was even bold in sharing we believed this could be answered prayer.
The hesitant bloom... do I share my faith fearless of being laughed at by a stranger?
Silent prayers weaved their way through my heart as testing progressed wishing I could peek at the scribbling notes the audiologist was busily writing down. Finally, an hour later, the moment of truth... was my mother's instinct right? Or will I feel like a complete idiot in front of this person?
"Well Mrs Vaags, the results here match exactly previous tests so it seems nothing has changed."
Complete idiot, it is!
"But how is that possible when she is obviously hearing things she never heard before?"
"She is more than likely simply adapting to her environment and HOW she hears within her parameters. It could be that she is simply getting used to what she hears."
I felt somewhat deflated leaving there. And to be honest, I was not looking forward to blogging about these results. A part of me really does feel like an idiot... a premature bloom cut off by frost. Part of me wonders if I should have waited for tests BEFORE blurting out to everyone that we feel God has been working a miracle with Sivana's hearing. Yet it feels like there was purpose even in this moment.
I don't understand it. I feel a little embarrassed.
But regardless of test results, the miracle to me is that Sivana IS adapting and doing far better with what she has to work with than she has before. Even though her inner ears did not change, how she works with them HAS. And that IS answered prayer in a different way... but answered prayer nonetheless.
So this hesitant bloom has decided not to let the frost of disappointment reach me and destroy what I seek to have bear fruit for the Lord. I will bear the sting and trust that God is refining and testing my faith, which is also answered prayer. I will seek His hand in this and trust that all is as it should be. And I WILL continue to be bold in where I feel Him working in our lives.
If I am wrong, then I am wrong. But if I am right... need anything more be said?
So to all of you out there, thank you for the generosity of your prayers where Sivana is concerned. She is doing much better despite her hearing impairment. We meet with two different therapeutic programs for the hearing impaired this next month and look forward to better understanding what more we can do for Sivana to conquer this world fearlessly in who she is! But God has already blessed her with a perseverant spirit.... one that believes whole heartedly that there isn't anything she cannot do. And through Christ Jesus, she is absolutely right!
To all of you precious blooms out there, the hesitant and the brave, take heart in knowing that no fruit has ever been borne without first the faithful and trusting process of opening fully into bloom. And that no fruit is sweeter to God than that of one borne to Him in faith. I love you all out there! God bless you!