My dear friends and family,
This has been a very overwhelming time for me and despite ACHING for the therapeutic benefits of connecting with you all via my blog, the time and tasks at hand simply are not permitting it.
Please know that I miss you, that I love you, that I still send out my prayers to find all of you. Among those things taking up so much time and energy is the fact that Isabel is having considerably increased seizure activity (four seizures in ONE day on Monday), resulting doctors' appointments, reports between school & daycare, updated health care plans, umpteen discussions with clinician nurses to clarify the emergency plan (when to administer the emergency med, Lorazepam, and when to call EMS), etc...
I run all day long from 6:00 a.m. nursings until my head hits the pillow around midnight or 1:00 a.m. with another nursing somewhere in the night, to boot.
I am exhausted, burned out, short-tempered and not myself. I am not sure how to honour my body's objections to stress these months via its chronic bleeding for the past three months but I am trying to soak in those moments of beauty and turning my eyes deliberately to what is good in hopes of re-centering, re-calming my nerves and getting back to the basics that "all is good."
Efforts are being put towards TRYING to create some consistency, routine, anything... but with several doctor's appointments every week, with Duane's shift work and many other variables, "rolling with the punches" is quickly becoming our motto!!
*** phone ringing ***
And that was the school to update me that they have just administered Izzy's emergency med and if seizure activity continues over the next fifteen minutes, they will be calling an ambulance.
That's what my days are like lately...
Some days I think I am just one big wimp, that anyone else could suck it up, still get the house cleaned and show a little self-discipline where household tasks are concerned. Instead, I am sitting here bawling my eyes out, no lunch on the stove, not knowing what's wrong with my Izzy and how to battle FOR her... what is happening? Why?
So i miss you all and I wish my children were healthy. I wish ALL children were healthy. I wish I knew if I was helping my kids or hindering their well being. You want nothing less than the best. Even now, I am wondering... do I pack up the kids in anticipation of driving to Emergency where they may send Izzy? Or do I assume that the Lorazepam will do its job and stop all seizure activity for the next 24 hrs? Do I start making a soup? Or keep it simple in case I have to run out that door? Do I dare nap or will I miss a call?
God be with you all out there.