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Sunday, 1 February 2009

Humble beginnings

Alright, thank you to Wilma who is my “hey, why haven’t you updated your blog yet?” reminder!

Yes, I can hardly believe it has been nearly a year since my last entry and yes, life has been THAT busy! I just celebrated my 30th birthday last week and I swear I have no clue where all these years have gone.

I remember so vividly standing on my tippy toes in my parents’ bathroom trying to look in the mirror. I could barely see the tip of my head and I remember thinking “wow, someday I’ll be big and I’ll see myself in the mirror.” For years afterwards, I always noticed how much easier it was to see my reflection.

Now the mirror plagues me in a different way… lack of sleep, lack of time to take care of myself properly, lack of exercise and all those fun details that go with motherhood have kept me from recognizing the woman starring back at me in the mirror.

My thoughts are scattered (you should hear me try to ask Duane for help “pass me that thing next to that other thing”). What would normally roll off my back seems to bother me and where I used to be able to find the good in all situations and people, I find myself quick to anger and far from loving.

Who is this person? What have I become? Will it go away when I get sleep again? Please, God almighty, tell me this isn’t who I “AM”!

So my first post of 2009 comes to you from a depth of humility that will hopefully initiate some change in my attitude. I miss “me”. And the irony of it all is that I am responsible for four children now and they deserve to have a mother in her right mind… one who can still tackle the dishes in the kitchen, vacuum more than once every two weeks, one who showers a little more frequently and who gets out of her flannel pjs BEFORE 9:00 a.m.!

Sheesh, in re-reading that last string of descriptors, you’d think I was a lazy teenager! Oh my dear beloved friends… I am in desperate need of your prayers.

Who do I WANT to be?

I want to be silly and unconditional with EVERYONE who crosses my path. I want my home to be a place of refuge & comfort for those who need an ear or a shoulder or just a simple cup of tea… ok, make it a Yerba Maté. I want the smell of fresh bread in the kitchen and that feeling in my heart when I know I will be feeding others. I want a sense of purpose to burst from my heart as my motivation to be loving and supportive. I want acceptance to radiate from within so as to leave others comforted by the fact that I will NOT reserve judgment on them. I want to laugh out loud (mostly at myself) and let TRUTH guide my every word and action. I want to be LIFE-GIVING. I want my words towards my children to be uplifting and not reprimanding. I want to see the value in the daily tasks that seem mundane & fruitless. And most importantly, I want my heart to reflect God’s love for all of us… what light, what promise, what freedom!

This is what I pray for… this is what I trust will return to my being… this is what I want to offer all of you.

May this find you all diving into 2009 with a sense of self-reflection and self-awareness that will leave you growing tremendously in your life, your faith, your love and your “self”. Look in the mirror and KNOW who you see. God bless you all!

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