Dream: Desert Storm Army of Conviction

It began elevated looking over a vast desert land... then suddenly, I was lowered to ground level and began being propelled forward.  In the distance, I could see what appeared to be a dust storm on the horizon.  Miles and miles wide.  I was propelling very fast towards the dust clouds and below them appeared an army.  Continuing at high speed towards the army, I could see people of all shapes, sizes, men and women. These were not arrayed in army gear, nor bearing weapons of war, but with a hidden weapon... the looks on their faces was of sheer conviction.  A strange word to use here, but that word was made clear.  In fact, it seemed to BE the secret weapon.

Conviction.

The resolution on their faces, the sheer confidence as they walked in a quiet faith whose strength marveled around them, was enough to give me shivers, even in a dream!  But the most amazing thing to behold was that it wasn't just people in this army, there appeared to be a heavenly realm... angels, if you will, marching right along with them.  A collective army of the earthly and heavenly... all of them intent in a oneness that spoke louder than a war cry.

The marching of their feet kicked up a storm in their wake.  And the sight was something to behold!

But why is the word "conviction" of such importance?

This dream also happened several years ago.  Just recently, when I had shared this dream with a friend of mine, she looked puzzled and said "are you sure you're using the right word?  I thought conviction meant being declared 'guilty' like a convict.  Do you mean 'confidence'?"

I became puzzled, too, because the word was clear but the faces I saw did not look like convicts!  I said "No, I'm quite sure the word conviction is essential but now I question the 'why.'  There was a definite firm resolve about the faces I saw and this had everything to do with their 'conviction'."

Living in this day and age of modern technology, we both pulled out our cell phones and googled it.  Here are the two definitions:

1.  a formal declaration that someone is guilty of a criminal offence, made by the verdict of a jury or the decision of a judge in the court of law.

2.  a firmly held belief or opinion.

I gasped!!!  I hugged my friend and said, "You have been answered prayer!  I understand it now!"

Right up until five years ago, I was living my life professing to love God, thinking my faith was strong, solid, growing, etc...  I was doing things that as long as I felt "LOVE" in my heart and "followed my heart", I was convinced (definition #2)  it was from God.

Until I started reading His word.

Gulp.  Let me tell you, if I had been given a $5 bill for every time I read a Torah commandment that made me gasp in alarm because it had been something I had broken believing such deeds were "good"... well, let's just say we'd likely be mortgage free!  The only time in my life I have truly repented, and I mean heart-wrenching sobbing for the ugliness revealed to me, was when I started to set aside MY definition of "good" and started believing God's.  Only when I read and believed Torah did I feel "convicted" of my offences (by the law of God) and they brought me to my knees in repentance.

God had answered my prayer "Father, reveal to me my hidden iniquities that I may repent and draw nearer to you.  Please Abba, empty me of my ego/pride... humble me and make me yours.  Take away my heart of stone and give me your heart of flesh."  

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you.  And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.  And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. (Ezekiel 36:24-26 - I Will Put My Spirit Within You)

For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the LORD: I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts. And I will be their God, and they shall be my people... and I will forgive their iniquities and remember their sins no more.  (Jeremiah 31:33 - New Covenant Promise) 

And by His righteous law, He has and continues to do exactly this.  For this reason, I write to you all firm in my "conviction" (definition #1 and #2) that the word of God is TRUE and ETERNAL and that by His word, we LIVE.

But I also write to you about an even greater and more powerful conviction... My FIRM belief in God's saving power... His DELIVERANCE through Yeshua Ha Mashiach, Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour!

By our convictions (definition #1), we can repent and receive forgiveness and salvation by His steadfast love.  The fruit of this salvation bears a conviction (definition #2) that sets our hearts ablaze in zealousness for God and the works of faith that declare His everlasting Word AND saving power!  For is this not why we were perishing?  For we knew neither the Scriptures (His Torah) nor His power to save? (Matthew 22:29)

The army I saw marching was an army of those who, through discovering the Torah of God and consequently learning of their "criminal offences" (declaring them "guilty" before God) were then deeply afflicted... and repentant... and cried out for His Mercy and found it.  Empowered by His Holy Spirit, they now hold firm to the truth of Torah as a way of life for a people redeemed and saved by its Author!  Yeshua, the Messiah, knew that the world must be convicted by God's Torah, so that once we accepted the guilty verdict, He could take on its penalty of death thereby saving all those who believe that the Father sent Him to do so!

"If I had not come and spoken [the Torah of God] to them, they would not have been guilty of sin, but now they have no excuse for their sin."  (John 15:22)

"And when he [Holy Spirit] comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment."  (John 16:8) - matches New Covenant Promise above

So this army, firm in its conviction, marches into battle knowing there is no greater weapons one can yield than the testimony of our salvation in one hand and our confidence in God's power to save through Christ in the other.  It bears an unseen spiritual armor such as the one that protected David in the face of lions and giants.  It is the front and rear guard of those who believe and bears the foreknown double-edged sword of Truth yielded only by those who have been trained by its wounds of reproof and discipline.

We are like unrefined gold found and redeemed by God.  He makes it clear in the Passover story that His redemption in Egypt is not because of any righteousness or purity on our part but by His grace for those who put their trust in the saving power of the blood of a Passover Lamb.  Then at Mount Sinai, God makes it clear to those saved by grace what He considers impurities and what pure gold should look like... perhaps this is the very gold in the book of Revelation that Jesus said we must "buy" from Him along with white linen.  But back to Sinai, I could just  imagine hearing His voice... "As a people redeemed by my outstretched arm, declare to the nations WHO has redeemed you by shining the light of my Torah.  Be set apart, be holy as I am holy."

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvellous light.  (1 Peter 2:9)

For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life, (Proverbs 6:23) 

Yet despite His reminding us that we are unrefined, we think ourselves precious and pure.. or worse yet, that by our own righteousness, we are made pure!  But the ONLY way to access the purity is by looking to our Redeemer who holds us in His hand, patiently waiting for us to say "Ooooh!  Thanks to your light of revelation, your Torah (which came in the flesh to show us exactly HOW to live it), I now see the impurity on me, yuck, get it off!  I'm ready to be refined and purified."  And the Father, who delights in our confession and repentance, places us in the holy fire of discipline (which hurts but only for a moment) and burns off the iniquities we have just acknowledged of our own free will.  And the process is ONGOING.

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  (1 John 1:8)

But the revelation of our iniquity must be there for us to repent.  Perhaps this is why Paul wrote:

"What shall we say then?  Is the Law sin?  May it never be!  On the contrary, I would not have come to know sin except through the Law; for I would not have known about coveting if the Law had not said, 'You shall not covet'."  (Romans 7:7)

He warns the reader that once you know about Torah, sin has a tool with which to tempt you.  So be self-aware and strong in the vulnerability that comes through the fruit of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  Because it's one thing to sin in ignorance (that's where His Grace shines through the Messiah) but it's a whole other ball game to sin AFTER coming into the knowledge of Truth revealed through Torah.  In fact, to do so is considered the only "unforgivable sin" labeled as "blaspheming the spirit".

For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries. Anyone who has set aside the law of Moses dies without mercy on the evidence of two or three witnesses. How much worse punishment, do you think, will be deserved by the one who has trampled underfoot the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace?  (Hebrews 10:26-29)

Everyone who makes a practice of sinning also practices lawlessness; sin is lawlessness. You know that he appeared in order to take away sins, and in him there is no sin. No one who abides in him keeps on sinning; no one who keeps on sinning has either seen him or known him.  (1 John 3:4-6)

For it would have been better for them never to have known the way of righteousness than after knowing it to turn back from the holy commandment delivered to them. What the true proverb says has happened to them:“The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire."  (2 Peter 2:21-22)

For it is impossible, (in the case of those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, and then have fallen away) to restore them again to repentance, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt.  (Hebrews 6:4-6) 

The times of ignorance God overlooked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent, because he has fixed a day on which he will judge the world in righteousness by a man whom he has appointed.  (Acts 17:30) 

Formerly, when you (Gentiles) did not know God, you were enslaved to those that by nature are not gods. But now that you have come to know God, or rather to be known by God, how can you turn back again to the weak and worthless elementary principles of the world, whose slaves you want to be once more?  (Galatians 4:8-9)

Despite the pain of revelation through Torah, my prayer for you is the profound joy of being cleansed by its discipline so that it is your face seen marching into victory for your conviction.  And that the heavenly realm can march right alongside you declaring that through the Messiah all things, both earthly and heavenly, are reconciled to God!

For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.  (Colossians 1:19-20)

And I leave you with the following encouragement that by upholding God's righteous law, we declare WHO has redeemed us, WHO is disciplining us by it, WHO has forgiven us by the sins revealed/confessed through it, and WHO has crowned us by His righteousness... that in your brokenness, you recognize the hands that mend you... so that you may breath the most heartfelt "hallelujah."

In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?  “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him.  For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.”  (quoting Proverbs 3:11)  It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons... For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.  (Hebrews 12:4-11)

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.  (2 Corinthians 7:10) 

Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O Lord, and whom you teach out of your law, to give him rest from days of trouble, until a pit is dug for the wicked.  For the Lord will not forsake his people; he will not abandon his heritage; for justice will return to the righteous, and all the upright in heart will follow it.  (Psalms 94:12-15) 

Dream: A Terrible and Awesome Harvest

Behold, there was a great multitude... a mass of people, excited and in awe as they were running like a roaring sea towards what appeared to be a large stage off in the distance.  I was standing among the the rush in wonder trying to ask the people WHAT was going on.  Finally I spotted a very dear loved one and I asked her, "What is going on?" and she answered with much excitement "HE is about to speak!!"

Because I was facing the direction in which the masses were running from, my eyes could see behind them... and there I saw a great red tornado.  No one seemed to have a clue what was looming behind them and I was filled with a terror and wonder.  Why was everyone oblivious???  What was this massive red tornado?  Its span was enormous covering miles and yet everyone seemed distracted by WHOEVER was about to "speak" down towards a valley.

Suddenly I was propelling towards the red tornado from above (as only one can do in a dream... so cool) and behold, I looked down to the ground and saw what I thought were five ravenous combines devouring the earth.  Their chaff flying out behind was red as blood and the wind caused by these massive combines was causing the red chaff to twist, twirl and swirl upwards giving the appearance of a red tornado.

Each combine appeared to have its own designated colour, which I am no longer remembering, but they advanced ferociously in a V-formation... one side being shorter than the other.

In the distance, I saw Duane, on a land appearing to be his but not his... rocky, treed and water running through it... a land for livestock.  I tried yelling to him in warning but he seemed unafraid although unaware, and did not hear.

I had this dream a few years ago before I started truly delving into scripture.  When I had awoken from this dream, I told it to Duane and asked him if the world now had only five major grain companies controlling the food industry.  He didn't know but a little research lead us to a book called "Merchants of Grain: The Power and Profits of the Five Giant Companies at the Center of the World's Food Supply" by Dan Morgan.

Well, could that be it?

Still, something felt unsettled about the dream and it seemed more than just a question of what I had eaten the night before!

A year later, while delving more diligently into scripture and our Torah Portions, we read about the mass Exodus from Egypt... the first Passover story... the very framework of our salvation God would provide thousands of years later... and the framework of end time prophecy.  But I digress...

As we were reading aloud together (as we take turns reading the portions each Sabbath), we read about God being among the Israelites as a pillar of smoke by day... and... get this... a pillar of FIRE by night!  A pillar of fire?!  Wouldn't that have the appearance of a red tornado?!  I gasped, my jaw dropped, and I looked at Duane.  This was a huge motivator to seek beyond a literal harvest and grain companies!

Further readings about end time prophecies seemed to speak of putting in the "sickle" to collect the harvest... and that the wicked (disobedient, unfaithful) will be like "chaff."

Gulp!

I have wanted to write down the dream BEFORE doing a word search on "chaff" specifically in my bible software... otherwise the brain seems to want to bend details to match what is read.  So for integrity's sake, just now, here are the pertinent verses I have found:

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.  He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither.  In all that he does, he prospers.  The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away.  Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous; for the Lord knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.  (Psalms 1:1-6)

O my God, make them like whirling dust, like chaff before the wind.  As fire consumes the forest, as the flame sets the mountains ablaze, so may you pursue them with your tempest and terrify them with your hurricane!  Fill their faces with shame, that they may seek your name, O Lord.  Let them be put to shame and dismayed forever; let them perish in disgrace, that they may know that you alone, whose name is the Lord, are the Most High over all the earth.  (Psalms 83:13-18)

Ah, the thunder of many peoples; they thunder like the thundering of the sea!  Ah, the roar of nations; they roar like the roaring of mighty waters!  The nations roar like the roaring of many waters, but he will rebuke them, and they will flee far away, chased like chaff on the mountains before the wind and whirling dust before the storm.  At evening time, behold, terror!  Before morning, they are no more.  (Isaiah 17:12-14)

But the multitude of your foreign foes shall be like small dust, and the multitude of the ruthless like passing chaff.  And in an instant, suddenly, you will be visited by the Lord of hosts with thunder and with earthquake and great noise, with whirlwind and tempest, and the flame of a devouring fire.  (Isaiah 29:5-6)

Gather together, yes, gather, O shameless nation, before the decree takes effect—before the day passes away like chaff— before there comes upon you the burning anger of the Lord, before there comes upon you the day of the anger of the Lord.  Seek the Lord, all you humble of the land, who do his just commands; seek righteousness; seek humility; perhaps you may be hidden on the day of the anger of the Lord.  For Gaza shall be deserted, and Ashkelon shall become a desolation; Ashdod's people shall be driven out at noon, and Ekron shall be uprooted.  (Zephaniah 2:1-4)

The harvest is the end of the age, and the reapers are angels. Just as the weeds are gathered and burned with fire, so will it be at the end of the age. The Son of Man will send his angels, and they will gather out of his kingdom all causes of sin and all law- breakers, and throw them into the fiery furnace. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father.  (Matthew 13:39-43) 

My dear ones, I would love to write to you about happy, fluffy feelings... of masses holding hands and singing Kumbaya... but I fear that this is a time and age more than ever where we are to reject teachings and doctrines that "tickle" our ears and cling to the healing wounds of a double-edged sword, called Truth, which is the Word of God.  There is a sense of urgency on my heart, whether right or wrong, that makes me grateful God has prepared me to be untouched by ridicule... for this is not an easy task... but there is a call to repentance at hand.

I think everyone knows it.  Everyone can feel something impending.  There is a storm brewing in the distance and I love God's creation too much to care more about whether or not I sound crazy than to reach out in love and hope that a genuine inclining of the ear will begin... a stirring in the heart will cause a seeking... a crying out of our souls will begin... and it will be heard from on high.

So if you are willing to hear, willing to endure the refinement of godly chastisement through His everlasting Word, to resist the temptation to turn away and give in to what tickles the ears, then please persevere with me as I let go of my desire to blog only about family moments and embrace my greater love, which is to magnify His Holy Name.  I promise you, if you choose to endure, the greatest treasure awaits you!  I can promise this, because God promises this.  And I pray that this non-posteducated stay-at-home mother of six can be a vessel made ready by the Potter's hands.

The unfolding of your words gives light; it imparts understanding to the simple.  (Psalms 119:130) 

I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me.  (Proverbs 8:17)

The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple.  (Psalms 19:7) 

 "... if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.  For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints.  Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; for wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul."  (Proverbs 2:1-10)

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting... (James 1:5-6) 

I pray I can be a living testimony to the fulfillment of these promises... or better yet, that YOU will be!  I love you all very much.

Butterflies, Dreams/Prophesies and Deuteronomy 13

Shabbat Shalom (peaceful sabbath) to all of you out there!

I am emerging from a spiritual cave, if you will, and greeting the sun on my face (despite a current thunderstorm outside) with a renewed peace.  These last few years, nearly ever free moment of my time has been spent with my nose in scripture, seeking understanding and discernment in accordance with the Word of God... eager in my expectation that He would grant me wisdom because I have asked believing fully He will deliver.

But my timing is certainly not God's timing!  However, I am learning that His timing is far more gracious than even my imagination could fathom.

Patience and diligence are becoming all-too-familiar words of "reassurance"... sometimes met with annoyance and other times met with humility.  But the journey is one leaving me deeper and deeper in love with the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob... the one and only everlasting God who is steadfast in His love, slow to anger, merciful and just in all His judgments.  And to Him belongs all glory, forever and ever.  Amen.

So why the cave?  Perhaps cocoon is a better description.  I am undergoing a transformation, if you will, as I let the Word refine, rebuke, reshape all that I once believed was Truth.  My old self has experienced a death as God revealed to me where I had elevated my own definition of Truth above His universal one for all peoples for all time.  I thought my understanding of Love was truth but He is showing me how HE defines love... and it is drastically different than what my own understanding had perceived.  To my horror, it left me empty before the question "do I LOVE God?"

No matter how well-intentioned I thought my heart was, I have been deeply humbled by a veil being lifted by the grace of God allowing my eyes to see the god I placed before Him... my own understanding.

"Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding."  (Proverbs 3:5)

As I have been transforming, my natural desire has been to share all revealed knowledge with anyone and everyone... whether they asked or not!  "Look!  Look!  Look!  Behold the manna of life!  It will humble you to the point of dying to one's self but see the life it gives!!  Repent!  Repent!  For we risk worshipping in vain!!"

Hmmmm, can you imagine how well THAT message feels to loved ones who never asked for it?  Before I realized it, I was becoming a sledge-hammer whacking anyone near me with a sword of truth I thought would shed light and bring life.  After all, isn't that what anyone wants for those they love?  Well, cue in dose of humble pie number one of... well... countless to come.  Sigh.

I was yielding a sword that left me standing in the blood of a spiritual massacre, trusting that God would breathe life back into His people!  But I ran into battle without waiting for Him alone to say "go... I will be your front guard and your rear guard."

I withdrew as I observed loved ones pulling away rather than drawing near.  How is THAT glorifying to God?  His word should burn like a burning bush and cause others to draw near, just as Moses did... not flee in the opposite direction!  But by the same token, His truth truly IS a double-edged sword cutting through flesh and marrow and revealing the true intentions of the heart.  If that revelation stings (which it ALWAYS does), not everyone will eagerly declare, "Oh please, sign me up for some spiritual torment!"

But...

God is looking for the humble and contrite and let me testify, nothing in my life has humbled me as the chastisement of His word and revelation of His truth.  It is fearfully beautiful, humbling and glorifying, terrifying and glorious all at once.  It is the deepest hurt and death I have experienced and the greatest joy and life I have encountered.  I don't know how He manages to encompass all of these extremes in one but it sheds light to His truth that He is indeed "the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end."

So I have been cocooned in hopes of emerging a new creation... His new creation... in submission to His everlasting and unchanging word... declaring His word, not by whacking people over the head or yielding His sword carelessly around those who never asked, but by living my life as a living testimony to it.  And should my life burn with His light, then He will stir something in others that will cause them to draw near.  Only then, when a heart wants to know and consequently inquires will I be able to answer to the best of my ability... knowing it will never be by my words that one will see and know but by His grace alone that a seed will germinate and bear fruit for His glory... by His calling alone... just as Jesus alone lifted the veil from his apostles in Luke 24 allowing them to "see" Him in all the scriptures (Torah - books of Moses, Neviim - prophets, and Ketuvim - writings (psalms, proverbs, ecclesiastes and song of solomon).

Having said this, I emerge with the hope to share my journey with a humble heart... praying that no one feels the need to withdraw, run away, or take offence, but rather to simply know it as my testimony for others to do with it as God alone inspires them to do.  I am now ready to share because I no longer feel the need to "prove" or "defend" what I understand as if one little person could make a difference in the big picture, but rather to simply testify to what has always been and will always be, truth.

All of this to say my next few posts will likely be dedicated to sharing this journey.  I have taken Deuteronomy 6 very seriously (the Greatest Commandment) and am devoting my motherhood to teaching my children the word of God.  I will indeed talk about it when I am sitting in my house, when I am walking by the Way, when I lie down and when I rise.  I will keep them as frontlets between my eyes and bind them as a spiritual sign on my hand.  And I will indeed, teach them diligently to my children, too.  That the world may know that the Lord our God is ONE.  Not one God for Israel and one God for Gentiles... nope.  One God.  One righteous rule.  One Shepherd.  One bride.  One faith... united through the blood of a Passover Lamb.  Just as Egyptians left with the multitude of Israelites after the 1st Passover and God addressed this WHOLE mixed multitude as "Israel"... so does He look upon Gentiles grafted in to Israel through the blood of the Passover Lamb whose name is Immanuel.  God has indeed fulfilled the promise spoken through Abraham that "God Himself will provide the lamb."  And just as the Gentile, Ruth, declared "Your God will be my God" so do we who have faith through the blood of Yeshua declare this same redemptive work through the outstretched arm of God.

I have known my whole life that I was living in a precious time.  Prophecy is unfolding before our eyes and I feel privileged to live in such a time as these.  I have had dreams and visions for as long as I can remember.  At age five I shared this with my parents concerning God's will for His creation... "God intended His church to be a place of healing, not of judgement."  Even back then, my heart knew this was not concerning a physical building but rather His dwelling among the people... His ecclesia.

It has been pressing on my heart to share some of these dreams knowing full well there could be nothing to them.  But also knowing that God uses dreams and visions to reveal His will.  However, these visions and dreams MUST align with His word or it fails the Deuteronomy 13 test which states that should a dreamer of dreams or prophet come and these visions come to pass BUT this dreamer of dreams or prophet teaches God's people to move AWAY from His Torah (instructions), then these are FALSE PROPHETS sent by God to test our faithfulness to Him.

So I share some of these dreams praying that someone out there, anointed by God, may shed light on their meaning, should there be any.  Again, perhaps they mean nothing but perhaps they mean something.   I put it out there trusting God will reveal which it is.

With much love in my heart, I leave you with this blessing which reaches deeper than my own prayers for you ever could:

The Lord spoke to Moses, saying, "Speak to Aaron and his sons, saying, Thus you shall bless the people of Israel: you shall say to them, 'The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace.'  So shall they put my name upon the people of Israel, and I will bless them."  (Numbers 6:22-27)

Our Family Interview with Local News

A local news station came out and interviewed Ethan and me about living life with allergies.  The only clarification needed is concerning "wet wrap therapy."  This method of treatment was suggested to us by our allergy specialist as a new way of hydrating and replenishing eczema-suffering children.

I had to chuckle at the footage of our basement... of all the places in this house not tidy and neat, it's the basement!  LOL!!  So you'll get a good glimpse into what our basement looks like BEFORE the mad cleanup dash prior to company arriving... hee hee hee!!

A Soil Carbon Cowboy's Modified "Date Night"

With consecutive crop failures, organic farming is becoming anything but feasible financially.  Humbly, we have acknowledged that no matter how much our heart and soul is poured into our integrity, eventually one can only remortgage so many times!

So what does it look like to farm without chemicals and leaving the soil in better shape than we found it in?  How do we give BACK instead of TAKE?  Thanks to the life-work of Alan Savory, founder of Holistic Management, we have a renewed hope.  A six-day course in January lifted our spirits and filled us with renewed purpose.

I am proud of my husband for making this switch.  He has been grain farming from birth.  Some of his earliest memories consist of being dangled (while still in a diaper) into the combine to pull out a screw for his dad.  He lived and breathed grain farming and to say that it "runs in his blood" would be to minimize his ties to the earth he's worked these thirty-nine years.  But despite tearing off a piece of fabric from his life, he is using it to clean up the mess we are facing with our soil carbon, our costs and our farm.

No more grain farming.

Yep.  I had to check his pulse a few times in that process but here we are, seeding season and I am not kissing my husband goodbye for my usual spring/summer/fall widow-hood!  I'm watching him closely for a nervous tick to develop, but so far, he seems surprisingly peaceful.  Praise be to God!

So now what?

We are shifting our focus from mining nutrients from the soil and shipping it off our land, to putting nutrients BACK into the land using livestock and stock-density grazing.  It's about taking the carbon we've lost from the soil and getting it back in there where it belongs!  Phase 1 will include putting the whole farm to forage seed and getting a good plant root-establishment in place while setting up perimeter fencing and water piping for water supply throughout the whole farmland.  Once that's in place, we can get some animals on the land!  God-willing, the animals (primarily cows and some sheep... maybe goats?) could arrive as early as this fall but realistically, it will likely be spring 2015 before we're fully equipped.  So lots of work still this year but once the framework is established, all we will need to worry about is moving around inside-fencing (connected to the perimeter fencing) to create small paddocks for intense short-term grazing over all the fields.

Here is a great nine-minute video summarizing what we are working towards over the next couple of years.  The switch from seasonal widow-hood to weekly date-night of fencing together is much-welcomed (remind me of this after we've done miles and miles of fencing)! :)

My dear ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you a whole new Circle V Farms... may the fruit of our endeavours bring glory to God, may we honour His request that we be stewards of His land including giving our land its sabbatical year, and may we bless Him daily for the land He has given us.

God bless you all out there!

CUT 2.3 from Peter Byck on Vimeo.

For those of you interested in the phenomenal story of Alan Savory, below is his 22 minute TED talk video.

Say "Cheese!"

Since before Ethan could even walk, he was so in-tune with his allergies that if he picked up an allergen (like a fallen Cheereo on the ground), his hand would grasp it in curiosity but immediately drop it and back away.  Somehow he knew what was harmful to him.

With time, we would test those instincts by asking him to hold a potential allergen in his hand and say "Body, am I allergic to this?" and he would answer either yes or no.  He has been bang on 100% of the time!  We've done our best to encourage him to hone in on that skill set, a wise intuition.

Today, I was grating a massive brick of cheese as he played with his Lego at the breakfast counter.  Sivana's intuition about cheese being out in the open had her in the kitchen in no time opening her mouth like a little bird asking for "Cheese, please!"  Ethan looked up from his Lego then back down again and said "I sure wish I wasn't allergic to cheese."

Dairy has been one of his top allergens.  He was so off the charts with his eEg tests as a baby that they suggested we not even have dairy in the house.  We were warned that even skin contact could be life-threatening.  That's why we sold the dairy cow, got rid of chickens due to his severe egg allergy and other potential life-threatening allergen-contributors on our farm.

I've also been ultra protective, constant hand-washing when handling dairy, separate cutting boards, separate pots, dishwasher with sanitizing cycle, etc… but something today put my guard down.

"Ethan, you want to HOLD a piece of cheese?"

"Ok."

Without even feeling too nervous, I placed the piece of cheese in his hand and he asked "Body, can I have this?"  His eyes lit up and he said "MOM!  My body says YES!!"

Before I could stop him, he placed the piece of cheese in his mouth!!!

"ETHAN!!!  WAIT!!!"

He spit the piece out and I regained my composure and said "How about we rub a bit on the top of your hand and watch to see how your skin responds?"

A few years back, Duane left hand marks through Ethan's shirt because Duane had eaten buttered bread and picked Ethan up before washing his hands!  Through the little guy's shirt, raised red skin in the print of Duane's big hands revealed just how allergic he was.

Even with this recollection fresh in mind… still, I had peace.

We set the timer for ten minutes and said we'd look at his skin then.  I asked him "Ethan, do you know that  it's thanks to your allergies that Mommy and Daddy started staying home and keeping the Sabbath?  Do you know it's because of your allergies that we started studying God's word so deeply to better understand His will and His ways?  I know it hasn't been easy for you, but I thank you for the way you changed our lives being made exactly as you are.  If God gave you allergies for a good reason, do you think He could take them away if He wanted to?"

His eyes lit up at the realization and he exclaimed "YES!!"

"Ethan, I don't know if it's God's will that your allergies go away or not, but I DO know whatever He chooses, it is good.  Do you agree?"

"Yes, Mom."

Ten minutes passed and there is ZERO indication that cheese was rubbed into my son's skin.  It's now been thirty minutes and there is ZERO indication that a severe life-threatening allergen made contact with my son's skin and zero indication thus far that sticking cheese in his mouth affected him.

I don't know what this means without official testing in the allergy specialist's office but I do know that something HAS changed.  And whatever it is, it is good.

Praise be to God for His perfect will and for His patience with us when we fight Him in our lack of understanding and trust.  Oh how He endures us with such patience!! :)

Blessings to you all out there and praise be to God for His breath of life in you… for His perfect will where you are concerned and may He grant you peace in your surrender to that trust in Him.  God bless you all!

A Whole New Understanding of Funerals

I learned something very important yesterday…

I always thought funerals were only for the people who knew the deceased, and so I've often wondered why people, including my dad, read obituaries.  But yesterday something beautiful happened.  After my brother's funeral and interment, once gathered in the main hall, I saw the faces of my husband's family, a previous co-worker from nearly ten years ago, friends from our "church" community, etc…. people who never knew my brother, Danny, but came to KNOW him, honour him, and support my family.  The gesture brought forth fresh tears of deep gratitude for the hearts of these beautiful people who already understood that funerals are not for the dead, but rather they are for the LIVING.

I wanted to share this humbling lesson with you all in case any of you out there thought the same thing as me.  Don't ever ask yourself "Did I know this person well enough to be worthy of attending the funeral?".  Because what I learned yesterday filled an aching in my heart which was to have Danny KNOWN by everyone.  Something inside wants him to LIVE on not just in my family's heart but in others', too.  The fact that the world does not pause for a moment to join in mourning but rather keeps right on going… meals to be made, bedtime routines to undergo, laundry to fold… etc… catches me off guard and stirs up sorrow.  As insensitive as it may seem, perhaps God is more brilliant in His design than we give Him credit for.  If the world paused, what would ever, ever encourage us to hit that "play" button ever again?  He humbly reminds us that there IS a bigger picture.. and He promised that it is a gracious picture... that even this, a moment which understanding cannot grasp yet, is for His name's sake.  He is setting His table.  His guests are preparing to arrive, one by one.  And before we know it, that trumpet will sound and those who have been made ready, those whom He created for the purpose of pouring forth His mercy, will enter into the marriage feast of the Lamb and the rejoicing will never cease.

I believe He has prepared a place for my brother and his invitation has been received.  He is resting now and in a state of readiness for the glory of God.

But I miss knowing he is out there right now.  Even if we didn't always know where that was.  I miss knowing he simply was.

Another thing I got to learn these past few days is how very proud I am of my family and how deeply affirmed I am in the gift of blessing my children by being a "larger" family.  I am number five of six kids and my heart instantly goes out to any and all of you who have mourned a deep loss without the comfort of siblings.  I know that God alone is our Comforter, but I thank Him for having used the arms of my sisters and brothers to hold me these days and I pray He could use mine to hold them.

Sunday night, at the viewing, I saw a side to each of my siblings I will never, ever forget.  A gift I will always credit to my brother, Danny.  Danny was only 17 months older than my next brother (brother #2) and only three years older than my eldest sister.  Four years after that and it's sister #2, another four years after that and it's me… eight years after that and it's my little brother.  So I was twelve years younger than Danny and missed out on some of those crazy stories of his wild adventures on our 80 acres farm.  My big brother #2 has always been more shy, more private and Danny was the outgoing, fearless ring leader, if you will.  Needless to say, Danny and brother #2 and sister #1 were like peas in a pod, doing everything together under the sun (literally).  It has been their stories that have made my heart grow deeper in love for our brother.  He moved out when I was only 4 or 5 so my memories are only of our many family functions and the occasional phone call from him.  But my delight is seeing the best of my brother in his two sons.

My heart goes out to my brother #2 and sister #1 for the deepness of their loss.  To be honest with you, I have never seen brother #2 cry and I've never seen his heart so vulnerable like this before... and it has made me love him that much more, too.  Sunday, at the viewing, I watched my quiet, shy brother stand up before everyone and share some of his childhood memories.  Through the quiet tears that sneaked past despite his great self-control, my brother spoke with strength, simple words but with such comedic timing that he filled the place with laughter despite the solemn occasion… and this is EXACTLY what Danny would have wanted.  Danny lived to make people laugh and was such a gifted story-teller… so convincing, you would believe ANYTHING he told you… a direct DNA link to our Dad!!  I thank brother #2 for honouring Danny by speaking exactly as he did.  I have never been more proud of him.

Then there was sister #1 who stood up there and conveyed such depth of love with grace and eloquent poise…. representing not only her own memories but Danny's girlfriend's memories, too.  Her strength was evident through her bright smile despite eyes glistening.  I watched her love shine with such radiance and felt so proud of her.

Sister #2 went up, always the most petite of all us siblings, but don't let that ever fool you!  The delicate state of her sorrow did not waver her ability to share her fondest memories of our brother and how though she couldn't pin point what exactly she learned more of him in those moments, what she did know is that she loved him all the more with each of them.

And my Mom… so brave, so strong.  She went up there and shared some of her fondest memories including when Danny was just little and he ran into the kitchen where she was doing dishes and told her in French "Maman!  Fermes tes yeux!"  (Close your eyes!).  He led her out the door, down the driveway up to the main road, my mother ever-trusting in her little boy's lead.  Finally he turned her around and said "Ouvres tes yeux!"  (Open your eyes!).  My Mom says the sky was filled from north to south with the most radiant sunset… truly breathtaking.  And there, my brother spread his arms wide in triumphant glory and declared "c'est tout pour toi, Maman!" (it's all for you, Mom).

When it came time for Danny's Song to be played, the recording was NOT working!  My sisters and I pre-recorded it because we knew we wouldn't be able to sing it without bawling.  My heart sank when the barely audible song came through with skips and scratches… when I saw my two sisters walk up to the front with a resolve in their eyes, they didn't need to say a thing.  I got up there, grabbed the guitar, and found strength in uniting with them in that resolve that our brother deserved better than that failed recording!  We three sisters have often sung together and according to Danny's girlfriend, she said he often boasted about how beautifully his sisters sang… a big brother's pride we wanted to live up to.  Well, by the grace of God, my sisters and I rode that wave of strength and sang from the bottom of our hurting hearts until that very last note… Then the wave broke, the hurt all-consuming, and the unspoken words of "there you go, big brother, that was for you" resonating in our hearts with the remnant harmonics still in the air from the guitar in my hands.

My left fingers are gloriously callused from playing his song many times over again like a comforting lullaby.  I watch his childhood footage and get choked up each time I see my brother sitting on that motored canoe looking back at my father… with such pride, with such trust… a son in his element with his dad.

Danny holding me

I know the ebb and flow between the peace and sorrow will subside with time.  Peace that his suffering is finally over but sorrow that there will never again be those Danny-moments, no more pictures, no more rolling our eyes at bad jokes, etc… I know this storm will pass, the waves will be stilled and peace will settle on the waters and reflect the sunrise like a mirror lake on a moose hunt.  In the meantime, I cry out to Yaweh as my only comforter and thank Him for my family and the beautiful people He puts in my life.  I am richly blessed.

May God comfort you in the losses you face in your life.  May you feel united with those who know with you the pain of watching life go on no matter what and may the hurt you've experience be filled with the hope in God's promises to His children.  Our Shepherd who tends to His flock.

I love you all out there.  God bless you!

Danny's Song

For those of you who would like to join us in spirit for Danny's funeral this morning, this YouTube link will take you to the song I wrote and sang with my sisters.  Lyrics are at bottom of YouTube page.  God bless you.

Danny's Song

You came into this world before it was time,
A newborn cry to soothe,
A young mother's heart
who feared for the tiny life from her womb.

You came into this world 
before you should have been allowed,
A son to look up to his father and say,
"someday I pray that I'll make you proud."

CHORUS:
When you looked in the mirror, did you ever see
The man we all saw deep inside?
The breath of Creator who willed you to life
Who knows your heart deep inside.
When you had, you gave.
When you could, you prayed.
The underdog, you defended.
The forgotten, you befriended.

You left this world before it was time,
Now a mother's heart weeps, 
In sorrow and reluctant peace combined.

You left this world 
before you should have been allowed.
A son to look up to the Father and say
"I pray somehow that I've made you proud."

CHORUS

We'll see you again 
When that trumpet sounds
And resurrected life abounds.
And across the masses 
of souls come and gone
We'll look at you, and smile...

My Big Brother, Danny

It is with a sorrowful heart that I share with you that my eldest brother, Danny, passed away in the wee hours of December 18th.  He'd lived a difficult life, particularly these last thirty years and it's hard to believe he is gone.  I struggle between the logic of knowing he is finally at peace now and the real hurt of knowing there is never going to be an opportunity to see him again… at least on this side of life.

We five siblings and my parents (among many other loved ones) have prayed diligently for him these many years and have wondered how our merciful God would answer them.  Would it be in an obvious way?  Would it be in a way we don't understand?  Will we have the eyes to see His workings?

My prayers for him changed a couple of months ago.  As I have been studying scripture, I wanted to share the incredible findings with my brother.  My mother, two sisters and younger brother had recently shared our first Sabbath gathering as a family and have delighted at the journey of eager learning together as a family.  I wanted so much for Danny to be a part of this journey with us, too.

So my prayers shifted and I asked God "Father, you know my heart and you know my brother's heart.  If you have guided us thus far in learning your ways, your statutes, your life-giving laws so as to guide us into willing obedience into a bondage of righteousness rather than a legalistic bondage of sin, then send your spirit to prepare the heart of my brother, Dan.  I will not chase him down but instead I ask that you stir something deep within his heart that causes him to contact me.  I ask this in our Messiah's holy name, Amen."

December 2000

My brother has called me maybe only five or seven times in my life so I knew that this would be a divine sign to say the least.  Would you believe not a couple of weeks after my prayer, I was about to leave for a two-night trip with Duane only to hear the phone ring.  When I answered, it was my brother Danny!!

In shock, I exclaimed with such joy "DANNY!!  Could you feel that I was praying for you??"

He didn't seem too interested in that question.  There was a remnant of inebriation in his tone and he was obviously troubled about something…

"I had to call Dad to get your number!  I've just had a terrible dream.  It was about Elizabeth."

"Elizabeth?  Who's Elizabeth?"

"ELIZABETH!  Your daughter!"

"Oh!  Danny, it's Isabel." (Even as I type this, I chuckle while holding back tears as this was just one of those Danny-things… he couldn't remember some of my kids' names).

"Yeah, Isabel.  I just dreamed about her…"  at this point he choked up and said "she walked right up to me.  Rita, she was WALKING, and she shook me awake.  She looked into my eyes and it was as if she could see right into my soul.  She could see right into me!  She looked at me and said 'Danny, you're dying.'"

There was a brief moment of silence as I could hear him still choked up and he asked "What do you think it means?  Is she ok?  Will she and I die soon?"

Because of the prayers I'd been praying and the miracle of his phone call, I felt nothing but HOPE.  I, too, have been sensing that Isabel will be free of her disabilities soon but my prayer was that it was to be through a moment of great faith… a miraculous healing for the glory of God.  This has been my prayer.  If I could see my Isabel free from her suffering due to a miracle, couldn't this little "message" mean a miracle was coming for my brother, too?  So I answered him:

"Danny, you ARE dying!  But not for long!  I prayed that God stir something within you that would cause you to call… and you DID!  You were obedient to the Father stirring within you.  That tells me deep inside of you, you are ready to let your old self die.  I think your suffering is about to end and you will be free of it!  Don't worry, Danny, your suffering will not have been for nothing… I think it is meant to be for the glory of God!"

He chortled sadly at that one in sad disbelief and I said with great excitement and hope "Danny, we won't talk about it more right now, I know you think I'm talking crazy talk, but you'll see… I know you'll call me again and we'll talk about God in a way you didn't know!  You're about to know God in HIS way!  I believe in you, Danny, and I love you very much.  And I'm very excited for you!"

A bit of a sad pause on his end, then barely over a whisper, he answered, "I love you, too.  Give Elizabeth a big hug for me."

And those were our last words.  I so believed his surrounding peace meant he was about to become a new creation.  But I suppose in some way, he has.  But I thought it meant in this lifetime, not through death.  I know God answered my prayer, just not as I expected.  Had He not caused that stirring, I would not be able to tell you right now what my last words were to my brother.  I would not be able to tell you when I last told him I loved him.  I got off that phone with tears of joy flowing down my face.  I looked at my husband and said "God is working something in Danny!"

I feel so dumb having believed with full confidence that I was going to hear from him again.  My siblings shared with me that he called each of them including my parents and had a good talk with each of them, except my dear sister Linda.  He had asked for her number but never got his chance to talk to her.  Needless to say, this has broken her heart.  As a family, we have united to share in our sorrow, our reluctant peace…. it has felt like waves ebbing and flowing between peace and deep sorrow.

The finality of it hits like a punch to the stomach and looking through pictures brings forth sobs as we try to accept that there will never be another picture taken.

His obituary has printed in the Press today and the realness is hitting hard.  This isn't just another set of time where no one knows where he is but he pops up again… he is gone and he's not coming back.  I wrote a song and if I can find a way to upload it, I will share it.  If not, I may simply post the lyrics.

Please keep my parents in your prayers as they bury their firstborn son tuesday morning.  And my two nephews, only young men.  Sunday night is the viewing and I'm scared to see the finality of my brother's empty shell.  I pray for continued healing through whatever process each person is best suited to.  I pray an unconditional support where each one is at and a collective uplifting with each step.  I pray for a peaceful surrender and trust in the will of a merciful God whose bigger picture exceeds any of our ability to understand.

Goodnight, my brother.  Enter into your sleep and I pray to recognize you at that trumpet sound.

We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,  and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.  (Romans 5:3-5)

ABC with Toddlers

Always fun learning alphabet songs in this house. Avalyn loves to sing and Sivana pipes in without her hearing aids and manages just fine! I have the best "job" in the world!

http://youtu.be/JerxQSUqK0c


Sent from my iPhone