From Ashes to Ashes

The days are strangely passing by as though the world and its hubbub doesn’t realize an angel in its midst has left to return from her mission on earth back to her Maker. Time stops for nothing and for no one. And maybe that’s a good thing or I’d find it very easy to keep everything on “pause.”

Yesterday, Duane, the kids and I went to Selkirk. We wanted to be “near” where Isabel’s precious little body was being cremated. Walking through this grieving process, I am surprised at what seems to matter to me. For one thing, I didn’t know to anticipate how difficult it would be to leave the precious little cocoon that housed her butterfly spirit. I sat there for nearly two hours on Saturday not knowing how to walk away. How? We’ve spent nineteen years protecting that little body, a little holy temple that housed Izzy’s larger-than-life spirit… And even though I know she’s no longer in there, I couldn’t believe how difficult it was to leave it behind. As I lay in bed that night, I wept like I’ve never wept in all my life… my back arched as though heaven itself was trying to pull my spirit out through my chest! I hope and pray I never have to experience that again.

Today, I got to “see” our precious girl in her beautiful new butterfly urn. Little Bear was playing and as I turned the corner and “saw” her, I wept and wept and wept. I touched the urn delicately, afraid at first. But then I pulled it into my arms and into my chest wishing I could pull it into my heart. I thanked God over and over again for having entrusted her to my care, allowing me the honour and privilege of being her mother. The funeral director came to check on me and she sat on the step as I shared Izzy stories. She laughed with me and cried with me until reluctantly, I placed the urn back and had to walk away again.

Grief is a strangely beautiful process. Perhaps it’s our own struggle out of our cocoon into what a “new” life will look like. But its the struggle that makes our wings strong. So I persevere believing there is a time coming when this struggle will become my victory.