Uplifting... literally!

Last night, I picked up my six-year-old son for a big goodnight hug and said "oh my son! What will I do when you're a grown man and I can't pick you up like this anymore?" 

Without skipping a beat, he said:

 "then I'll be the one to carry you." 

Gulp!  Those moments catch my breath in my throat... chocking back surprised tears... Talk about "I'll Love You Forever" book!! I love being a mom!!!!

Our Family Interview with Local News

A local news station came out and interviewed Ethan and me about living life with allergies.  The only clarification needed is concerning "wet wrap therapy."  This method of treatment was suggested to us by our allergy specialist as a new way of hydrating and replenishing eczema-suffering children.

I had to chuckle at the footage of our basement... of all the places in this house not tidy and neat, it's the basement!  LOL!!  So you'll get a good glimpse into what our basement looks like BEFORE the mad cleanup dash prior to company arriving... hee hee hee!!

Lego of Ego and Share from the Heart

In the midst of teaching addition, subtraction, phonograms and vowels, I try to incorporate values in every day learning.  After all, the bible tells us that all creation declares His glory so let's train our eyes and ears (and hearts) to "see" what is declared.

For instance, math helps us to find even numbers so we know how to share with a friend, or divide fairly among groups.  Math helps us learn that if everyone measures based on their own hands or feet, we could never work together to build something that would stand… a universal measuring stick makes sure we all work together.  No differently than if we all gauge for ourselves what LOVE is or what's RIGHT and WRONG, we may find ourselves in a community that is collapsing.  But when we uphold God's universal measuring stick, His Torah, for what is right and wrong, we can work together and build community… for His glory.

We know that our provisions are bountiful in our home but we have not been diligent in sharing that abundance.  I thought maybe it was time to teach the kids how to manage provisions in a way that honours God's Torah, (which is the basic golden rule of "do to others what you would have them do to you.") and to be open about the fact that we will be right there learning with them.  Not-so-surprisingly, there are many commandments regarding tending to the widows, the orphans and the poor.  We are also to help our "enemies."  And when our tummies are full of food and life is good, God warns us that those will be the times we forget about Him.  So with our tummies full, every provision met and then some, Duane and I humbly embark on a journey of teaching our children some basic rules about finances… and to apply them in our own lives.

Thanks to moonjars, we have set up Ethan (5), Anika (6) and Sivana (3) with three little "jars" each labeled: Save, Spend, Share.  They receive a weekly allowance based on their age and we've discussed the three aspects of dividing those funds.  For their "spend" jar, we told them they are now responsible for buying their own toys and/or extras above their existing provisions.  For their "share" jar, we suggested looking at our Compassion Canada booklet to see what we can buy for our sponsor family in Brazil, but to also keep our eyes and ears open for local needs.  And the "save" would be a monthly trip to the bank to watch their savings grow for down the road.

Ethan was eager to look through Lego pamphlets and right away zeroed in on a Police Mobile Unit for $35.  "Well, Ethan, you get $5 per week and $0.50 goes into your share and $0.50 goes into your save which means you get $4.00 in your spend.  It's going to take you about nine weeks to save up enough.  Are you excited about working towards that?"  "Yeah!  That's a long time, but I can do it!"  "Alright, Bud."

Every Friday, Ethan would remind me that it's Payday.  He'd be ready with his little deposit book and he'd write the new totals for each category.  Every now and again, he would ask "Mom, can you pull up the picture of the Police Mobile Unit for me again?  I just want to look at it for a while."

Nearly twenty minutes of staring at the computer screen, dreaming of his Lego Police Mobile Unit…

November 22nd was THE payday which brought him to his FINAL amount needed.  He was counting down the days all week.  I was excited for him and proud for the long-term dedication.  We sat down with his little balance book and the four loonies and four quarters and he looked up at me pensively and said "Mom, today, I would like to put more in my 'share' box."  Needless to say, I was a little surprised by this!  "Wow, ok Ethan, but you realize this means you will not have enough for your Lego this week?"  "Yep, I know."  "Alright, how much would you like to put in your share?"

He thought about it and answered with a big smile "$2.00!"  And so he joyfully updated his deposit book, plunked the coins in their respective boxes and bounced away happy as can be.  I sat back and marvelled at the large slice of humble pie before me.

I thought of the poor widow in the books of Mark and Luke who gave only a few coins to help with the Temple repairs in Jerusalem… but it was all she had despite it being worth only a penny.  Jesus saw and taught His disciples that she had given more out of her poverty than the men who gave large sums out of their abundance.

My little man had been dreaming of that Lego set for nearly nine weeks and rather than give in to his own desires, he felt happier giving more to others' needs.  It is time Duane and I learn from this and seek to share our abundance with this same joy.

It is ever humbling to realize as a teacher and as a parent that sometimes we do more of the learning than our kids do!  And praise be to God for that.  Perhaps he knew those would be the moments are hearts would be willing to listen.

To all of you out there, I hope you are feeling as richly blessed in your provisions as we are.  May you join with us in being humbled by our abundance and may you be blessed with the eyes to see and the heart to give where it is needed most.  And may you be blessed by these words:

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace.  (Numbers 6:24-26) 

Hearts a Little Bit Broken

Hello dear ones!  Long time no write.

Ever heard that "life is like a roll of toilet paper" saying?  The further into it you get, the faster it seems to run out?  (Something like that, I always get these sayings wrong!).  Well, my dear ones, that's life over in the Vaags household.  And indeed, there is LOTS of toilet paper involved!

I wanted to take a quick moment to share with you a little thing that happened with our four year old son, Ethan.  Last week, he was having a hard time sharing his toys with big sister, Anika, and younger sister, Sivana.  Duane had to go downstairs and remind him on a couple of occasions to let the girls play with the toys down there, too.  They were NOT just his.  Well, finally it was the fifth outbreak and fit so Duane went and brought Ethan up to the time-out chair and said, "You're going to sit here for five minutes and think about what life would be like without a single one of those toys!  Because if we can't learn to share what we have, we'll simply get rid of it!"

Through mild sobs, Ethan nodded "Okay."

But Duane continued, "You are my son and I want to teach you what is a good choice and what is a bad choice... I want you to grow up to be a good man, so I will help you to learn when you are making bad choices.  Because I love you."

I could still hear Ethan sniffling.

"Ethan, do you understand?"

Sniff, sniff... "Yeah.  But my heart is still a bit broken."

There was a pause as Duane pondered how to address that one while I sat in the kitchen being witness to this exchange.  I figured Ethan was struggling with a "little broken heart" because he had been scolded but I was surprised at what ensued.

"Well, Ethan, how can we make your heart all better?"

Ethan sniffed a couple more times and I heard him answer "Once I go back downstairs and apologize to Anika and Sivana, it will be all better."

My dear ones, this was one of those GAFAW moments for me.  I have always known that bitterness, resentment, egocentricity caused more harm to ourselves than to others but this was a self-awareness moment that confirmed it for me.  Ethan knew something wasn't right in his heart because he had not made himself accountable for his mistake, yet.  Rather than be stubborn or hold his ground, he humbled himself by accepting where he had been in the wrong, and knew it required ACTION on his part to make it right.

The learning never stops around here and quite frankly, I have to admit I feel we do most of the learning as adults than the kids do!  Their eyes see truth, their hearts seek it without question... always a good reminder of WHY our Saviour told us we had to have the hearts of children to enter into the kingdom of Heaven.

May you embrace the child still within your heart and remember what it is like to want truth no matter what... no matter our stubborn stances or desire to be justified... to simply want what is right.  And may you be fearless in your accountability or better yet... freed.

I love you all very much, not because I presume to KNOW you and your life story, but because you are a child of God, just like me.  My brothers, my sisters who struggle to know what is righteous just like I do... which more often than not seems to mean learning through mistakes.  I love you because you are not alone.  I love you because we all have our hearts a little bit broken.  Whoever you all are out there, I ask God to bless you and to comfort you.

Always and with much love, your sister... Rita.

Set Apart

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart" 
Jeremiah 1:5

We are called to be set apart.
We were called to be set apart before we were born.
But how easy is that?  How many of us avoid standing out like the plague?  How many of us give anything, do anything to be "just like everyone else?"

Why are we afraid to do what we were created to do?

The other day, Ethan wanted to hold Avalyn on the rocking chair.  From before she was born, I would "speak" for Avalyn using a high pitched kid's voice so the kids could "talk" to her and she could answer them.  (It's a great way to find out what the kids are really thinking and even more fun to have them feel that the baby is already apart of what's going on long before he/she is out of the womb).  Lately, because everything that comes within Avalyn's reach goes straight to her mouth, when she "talks" to the kids, it involves "Oooh, I like that... but can I EAT it?"

The kids find this hilarious.  If they try to show her a picture they drew, I'll say on behalf of Avalyn "Oh, I like the blue and the purple... can you bring it closer so I can EAT it?"  They laugh and say "Avalyn, you can't eat it!"

So Ethan was happily holding Avalyn and she just LOVES her big brother.  I was right there to make sure Avalyn sat safely on his lap and the conversation began...

"Oh Ethan, I like your shirt."

"Thanks, Avalyn, I like it too because it has red.  I like red."

"Yeah, red is nice.  But can I eat it?"

(giggle)  "No, Avalyn, you can't eat red and you can't eat my shirt.  But someday you'll be bigger and you'll be able to eat real food."

"Can i eat food like you, Ethan?"

"Well, you'll be able to eat food but not the food I have to eat.  My food is different."

"Why is your food different, Ethan?"

"Well, God chose to make me different so I have to eat food that's different from everyone else's."

(GULP)... At this point, I'm wondering who this is more therapeutic for!  Figured we'd keep going with this...

"God made you different?  Do you like being made different, Ethan?"

Here there was a slight pause as I watched my four year old son ponder the question.  And then he looked back at his little sister on his lap and said earnestly:

"Yes, I like that He made me different.  But sometimes it's lonely."

Well, I'm sure you can imagine the tears that welled up in my eyes and I just couldn't play the game anymore.  I hugged my son and said "Thank you, Ethan for being willing to be made different for God.  You are a very special boy and I love you so much.  I'm so sorry it feels lonely sometimes.  We'll always do our best to be there for you.  And I hope that even when you feel lonely, that you remember that God is always with you."

My beloved dear ones... is this the faith of a child that Jesus spoke of?  Is this true willingness of heart to surrender to God's will even when it means walking a lonely road?  What does this say when a child can accept a road set a part for the sake of BEING WITH God?

I tell you, I was greatly humbled.  I looked at my own life and smiled at the moments of fearlessness where I felt set apart, but alone... but gloriously alone.  Alone, not in a way where you are fragile and forgotten, but alone in a way that I would imagine Moses felt when he saw the burning bush and knew that no one else could ever understand this moment.  Alone in the way a bird would rise above a set of clouds and feel as though the Creator Himself could see him.

Yet how many of us fear being alone?  Perhaps we fear that very feeling of being completely exposed to Him?

But He has known you since before He formed you.  Somewhere in time, as God rules it, there was a moment between just you and Him.  It was sacred.  You were set apart in that moment.  I share this post with you, not just because what I witnessed between my son and his little sister touched me so deeply, but because I hope it stirs some deep memory from within... so deep you cannot even place your finger on it.  I pray it reawakens your confidence in WHO you are and WHAT He has called you to do with your life.

Not to be perfect, but to be His.

Not to be afraid, but to be His light... even if it means standing alone.

My prayer for you tonight is that you find peace in the moment your soul was created... to embrace the moments you felt alone in your life and see if your eyes can look back to see HOW He sought you in those moments.  Did you seek Him?  Did you find each other?  If not, revisit those moments with your arms open to receive Him in your loneliness.  Rise above those clouds to where the sun beams embrace you and feel our Father SEE you.  I pray you do not seek comfort in hiding among the popularity of mankind, but rather rejoice in the ways you were set apart.  In Jesus' name... Amen.

Ethan on IV antibiotics

I just wanted to let u all know I took Ethan to Children's emergency tonight. His eye has been oozing for a week but swelling since yesterday along with fevers.  You know it's not good when u walk into emerg and the waiting room is packed but they bring u straight in!  It appears to be a skin infection around the eye along with a red nasty left ear.  IV antibiotics for two days.  He was so brave despite being poked three times before finding cooperative vein.  And nothing makes things better than stopping at the firehall to tell dad all about his "adventure".

Sent from my iPhone

To Pee or Not to Pee

Apparently this is the question Ethan's bladder does not always let his conscious mind in on!

Ah yes, you guessed it... Potty Training.

As if my days were not filled enough with household tasks, custom meals, chauffeuring, etc... we now have to add a ridiculous amount of time spent sitting on a bathroom floor coaxing my two year old son to let all the "pee pee and poo poo" out into the cool red potty.

Cue tangent #1
I remember dreaming of the day I would be a mom.  You know, cute babies cooing happily, onlookers smiling at the sight of your darling little angels, patty-cake and first steps, etc...  Yeah, no one EVER warned me that my life would completely revolve around other people's bodily functions!  And that I would barely have time for my own!!

Sigh.

Between changing Isabel's diapers, cleaning up Ethan's accidents, getting wacked in the back of the leg by Sivana in her walker signing "DIAPER" because she's pooped... again... yelling at Anika to sit on the toilet because she's doing the pee-pee dance... again... as I step into a "puddle" Ethan did not yet tell me about.  In this blasted heat, I go to the bathroom to splash some water on my face and wipe my face thoroughly on the hand towel lying next to the sink only to hear Anika yell "ETHAN POOPED ON THE FLOOR!"

Okay, in all fairness, Ethan has only pooped on the floor about five times thus far into two weeks of potty training but it sure feels like more!

Hose down Ethan and his new Thomas the Tank Engine underwear, wash his hands that were too curious to pass up feeling what was sticky on his bum... sigh... (and if I wasn't so tired, I would even say EWWW!!!) go back to the kitchen where I have been trying to get lunch made for the last hour... wash my hands AGAIN... only to hear the water running in the bathroom.

There is my son dumping his pee-filled potty in the sink and wiping it with the hand towel!!  GULP... the one I had been wiping my face with ALL DAY!  How many times has he done THAT???

Okay, now I am NOT too tired to exclaim EWWWW GROSS!!!!

It's at the point now where going out in public visiting with other adults feels... well... like something is missing!  I have to squelch the instinct to ask if I can double check to see if they've wiped their bums properly and did they wash their hands?  Did they pull their pants all the way to the floor to make sure they did not pee on it?  Or clap my hands excitedly when someone walks out of the bathroom and say "YEAY!!!  WHAT A BIG KID!!!"  Or look at my watch and say "Hey Mr. ______, it's been two hours since your last potty break.  Do you need to do a pee?"

Maybe there's a reason us parents are house-bound when the kids are little!  We'd risk acquiring restraining orders otherwise!!

Melina is having a birthday party as I type this... ten sixteen year old girls... on the brink of realizing that other people's opinions do NOT have power over them... but still blushing at moments that could/should be embarrassing.  My younger children do not clue in on social awkwardness (heck, neither do I!) so much to these girls' horror, Ethan was just sitting on his potty with me holding a book in front of him while Anika was on the big white toilet next to him, both of them grunting up a storm... bathroom door wide open as the girls are needing to use the sink to wash off the makeovers they'd been doing.

I cannot help but laugh.  "Sorry for the grunt fest over here, ladies."  Their nervous giggles make me laugh even more!  But it's Ethan exclaiming "Mommy, (GRUNT) I think my poop is still shy!" that has the girls scurrying awfully quick out of the bathroom.
 
Lastly, there was the time when Duane and I finally stole a moment of just sitting together before being swept away by our hectic lives.  It had been a day of split kiddie tasks - he was responsible for Isabel and I looked after the three little ones.  The day presented this precious, precious moment of just breathing together.  To make it even sweeter, Duane started to caress my face gently as I closed my eyes soaking up every glorious sensation and act of gentleness.  Around my eyes, down on my chin, along my cheek and my upper lip... sniff... along my cheek again.... without opening my eyes, I felt the moment slip away from me all too quickly as I asked him slowly... "did Isabel have a poopy diaper?"  Still loving with the moment, he continued to caress my face as he answered "Yes."  "Duane, did you wash your hands?"  His caressing fingers froze right over my upper lip... "Yes."  Which is a testament to the potency of Isabel's... aroma... and the fact that despite our raw hands from constant washings, not even a tiny moment of togetherness can occur without an interruption of pee or poo.

Ah sweet dignity!  By any other name would it still smell this NOT-so-sweet???

Kitchen Windows, Epipens & Sore Thumbs

It was a beautiful Tuesday morning and the old farm equipment was groaning with protest at being wakened after another season's hibernation.  Duane was pulling out the old grain trucks for cleaning and fixing with the usual hope in his heart that the crops this year would finally see fruition!  Three consecutive years of crop failures has left a looming heaviness on his heart at the increasing debt load on our family.  I do not envy the constant debate in his mind nor the temptation of turning away from his integrity of farming naturally & ethically to using modern day fertilizers on genetically modified crops with supposed "guaranteed" harvests.  It makes one appreciate the challenge EACH farmer faces especially when they have mouths to feed!

Thankfully, Duane's father had always strongly encouraged him to have a steady job to supplement any potential farm income or debt.  So the luxury of choosing to farm according to his heart's desire is more possible than most farmers out there.

So this time of year is always kind of neat for me to see his spirits lifted with the promise of harvesting successful organic crops... of learning new ways of making organic farming work despite our clay soils, abundance of persistent weeds, and all-too-wet conditions... and of helping others make that same transition.

The burden is great on his shoulders and I see it some days more than others.

"Why would anyone be tempted to change their farming ways if I cannot be an example to them of how it can WORK?"

"Let God do that THROUGH you and your genuine desire to help take care of His earth and the people in it.  It cannot be through your efforts alone, but by His Will, His strength and YOUR willingness."

"Sometimes I think He pushes me to the point of giving up to see if I am really committed to this and my TRUST in Him."

"Then I am sorry for the times that I pressure you about the debt load.  You have to do what you believe is right.  And I need to support you in that."

With those words in the back of my mind, it was with pleasure that I looked out my kitchen window this past Tuesday, and smiled as I watched him tend to his father's old farm equipment with our son eagerly hanging around him.  Up into the truck went Ethan as Duane sprayed the engine clean with the pump hose.  I thought to myself, "you know... I am going to MAKE time today and blog about this window and the many times I have felt privileged to look out of it to see the beauty of our world here."

Before I could even finish that thought, I looked up from the sink again to see Duane running towards the house carrying Ethan.

Now hopefully you have figured enough out about Duane from my blogging that nothing excites him terribly much.  An essential trait to have as a firefighter but annoying for this mother who feels that he downplays serious situations!  Duane does not "run" for anything unless it is seeding time or harvest.  Needless to say, this sight caused me to stop dead in my tracks.

As he got closer to the house, he saw me in the window and signalled for the puffer.  Ethan's blue puffer... his rescue puffer.  I ran to the bathroom and grabbed it quick and met him at the door.  But when I saw Ethan, my heart began to pound in fear...

His eyes were so swollen and covered in hives.  But worst yet was his breathing!  He could barely breath properly and was trying to cough.  He was scared and trying to cry which did not help.

"What happened???"

"He was fine in the grain truck one minute and then the next he was screaming and scratching at his eyes and coughing lots."

"Duane, this is not a 'puffer' situation... this requires his Epipen!!"

Would you believe that despite all the mental training for situations like this, my mind literally drew a blank?  We have three epipens in our house but do you think I could remember where any of them were in that moment?  To hesitate in a moment like that feels like you are wasting precious, precious time.

"Where on earth do I keep his epipens again??"  Finally it came back to me... one in my purse, one in his backpack and one in the medicine cabinet... Medicine cabinet... start there!

I grabbed it and pulled off the grey cap as my mind went blank all over again on HOW to administer this thing!  Which end??  Duane was holding Ethan on his lap who continued sputtering and coughing for air while pulling away from the epipen.

"Duane!  How do you do this again??"

"Doesn't it go the other way??  Quick!  Give it to me!"

So I gave it to Duane who is technically trained to deal with these situations as an emergency responder.  But with the heightened stress of watching your own son struggle to breath, even his state of mind was challenged as he jabbed the epipen against Ethan's outer thigh only to have the needle spring out the other end into (and right through) his own thumb!

"OH MY GOODNESS, Duane!!!"  But the situation at hand needed my full attention on Ethan.  So I turned away from Duane whose finger was now bleeding quite a bit to searching like mad to find the second epipen.

Thankfully, logic began to set in again and I remembered what I had practiced so many times with our trainer epipen (which you can order online at epipen.ca).  I got it into Ethan's leg, counted to ten, and placed a bandaid on the sore spot on his leg afterwards.

His gasping stopped almost instantly.  He stopped crying within seconds and our son was breathing... but now was the mad rush to pack things up quickly and get him to Children's Emergency before the epipen wore off!  They would want to keep him under observation over the next four to six hours.

Duane's thumb was now white and a little piece of his nail was embedded in the tip of the epipen needle.    Given the time sensitivity of the matter, Duane would take him as I needed to stay back for Sivana's nursings.

I looked into my son's swollen eyes and held him so tight.  "I love you, my boy.  You be good for Daddy, okay?  And mommy will pray and ask God to help heal your body fast, fast, fast, okay?  Thanks for being such a brave boy."

I watched them drive away and felt a sudden shiver of intensity over what had just occurred in the past five minutes... it felt like enough to last a lifetime.  And the tears began to flow for the helplessness of my son's lot in life... of feeling like an error on our part could cost him his life... for the fragility of life and for the gift of every breath... literally!

I called my mom right away and asked her to come and be with the little ones.  I would cook Ethan's lunch, nurse Sivana once she awoke and would head down to join my boys at Emergency.  I sent an email out to immediate family asking for prayers which finally allowed my heart to settle into peace in trusting that those very prayers would find my son and keep him in the palm of God's hand.

Looking at my daily chores list, I numbly turned towards the dryer to pull out the latest load of kids' clothes.  My hands were a bit shaky as I pulled out Ethan's little jeans and the tears started flowing amply again.  I do not ever want to pull out my children's laundry and not have his little clothes to fold.  I don't ever want to lose him!  The times he drives me nuts or I lose my patience with him seem so trivial in the grand scheme of things.

Every moment with my kids is a gift and I don't want to waste ANY of that time in anger, frustration or disappointment.  It sucks that too many times, it is wasted.

My mom arrived and we waited to hear from Duane who called an hour later to say that Ethan's heart & lungs sounded good and we seemed to be in the clear.  I had not realized that I had been holding my breath because suddenly I finally felt like I could breathe!  They would be home not long after lunch so I did not need to bring them special Ethan-food.

When Duane got back, he told me about refilling the two epipen prescriptions with poor Ethan sitting in the shopping cart, big puffy eyes, saying to the pharmacist "Our Tractor is brooooken.  It doesn't make noise anymore.  But the good guys are going to fix it!"

Apparently the pharmacist did not know what to do with that info and at first I was disappointed that she didn't go along with it (ie: oh really?  What colour is your tractor?  What noises did it used to make?).  But thinking about it, I had to chuckle at what it must have looked like for that pharmacist: two year old boy with swollen eyes filling out TWO prescriptions for epipens and talking about a broken tractor...

I suppose even the best of us would hesitate at that one!

Duane professed that he is batting 0-1000 where administering Ethan's epipens are concerned and has crowned me "official epipen-giver" from now on.  We did have to chuckle together at that one.  (First time, he put it through Ethan's INNER thigh just missing a major artery!).

"It sure is different when it's your own kid."  Is all he needed to say.

Bottom line, Ethan is doing good.  His eyes were swollen for a couple of days but he's right back to his old self.  We are so appreciative of family's support (even Duane's mom had called to say there were collaborative efforts in place to watch the kids so I could go to the hospital, too).  It's a huge relief to know we have a network of loved ones ready and willing to help us in a moment's notice.

My heart aches for the families out there who face these challenges alone.  I could only imagine...

So may this find you all doing well and enjoying the very breaths you have taken unknowingly as you have read this entire outpour!  May you give thanks for the miracle of the intricate details God looked after in creating such incredible bodily functions.  And may you be blessed with the support of loved ones in your life... or BE a support to others.  We are all in this "life" thing together... and thank God for that!

Tribute to Ethan's 2nd Birthday

Scrapbook customized with Smilebox

October thirteenth marked yet another year of life with our son, Ethan. Duane and I often look at each other in amazement at his dare-devil approach to life and his ability to turn on the charm in a split second!

Just the other day, Melina had one of her girlfriends sleepover. She is tall, blond and beautiful... we laughed in amazement as Ethan found a little toy flower and gave it to Melina's friend with a little coy smile! This he did NOT get from Duane... hee hee hee!


He is slowly learning the art of self-control (something I am still trying to master when I know cookies are in the house). Anika and Ethan have been playing beautifully together but every now and again, what seems like a great time for them quickly turns into what looks like a cat fight between declawed cats! They begin yelling and wacking each other's heads and will sometime even take turns! Anika will smack him on the head while Ethan just stands there, then he'll reach out and smack her on the head while she just stands there, etc... I am doing my best not to start laughing at how ridiculous the whole thing looks! Eventually, I finally intervene and remind them that this is NOT how we treat each other.

"Ethan, say sorry to Anika for hurting her body."

"Sorry, Anika"

"Anika, you say 'okay, thanks Ethan'."

"Okay, thanks Ethan."

"Now Anika, you say sorry to Ethan for hurting his body."

"Sorry, Ethan, for hurting your body."

"Okay, Ethan... now you say 'thanks Anika'."

"Thanks Anika."

"Now remind each other that you LOVE one another."

"I wuv you, Ethan."

"I wuv you, Anika."

And the two give each other a great hug and sometimes even a kiss on the head where they smacked each other!

However, the other day, I could sense that the two were building themselves up for another cat fight and luckily I walked into the room to watch Ethan winding up for a big smack on Anika's head. He stopped in his tracks, looked at me and said,

"Mommy, can I smack Anika?"

"No, you may not smack Anika."

Slight pause for a moment... and then with his hand still wound up he said, "Mommy, can I smack YOU?"

"No, Ethan, you may not smack Mommy. How about you go smack that big soccer ball and see how far it can go?"

And thankfully, Anika was spared a whack on the head and I successfully held back my snickering. And I was impressed with my son for stopping himself in his tracks before initiating a fight... a self-control so few of us possess even in our "wise" age!

Another funny incident recently was that of Duane growing a beard for the month and a half he had off after Sivana was born... well, growing the beard wasn't the funny incident (completely). Ethan LOVED Duane's fuzzy beard and once again I was able to refer to the two of them as "itchy" and "scratchy" as I watched Ethan rub his head against Duane's fuzzy face like a cat against a scratching post!

The funny incident was when Duane shaved his beard after the kids went to bed and was the one to greet them first thing in the morning. I could hear over the baby monitor the whole interaction...

"Good morning Ethan and Anika!" said a chipper daddy.

Long pause and hesitation... and then Ethan's voice "Daddy, what's wrong with your face? You have a funny face!"

"Ah gee, thanks Ethan."

"Daddy, you have funny face!!"

"Yes, Ethan, you pointed that out already. Now come see daddy."

"No!"

And with that, Duane and Ethan required a little more re-acquainting before Ethan would go to his daddy, given his new funny face.

Lastly, (because I really could go on forever) is the fact that my dear sister Linda (who has been living a gluten-free and dairy-free lifestyle these last few months) found a cake recipe that was actually edible! Not only edible... it was DELICIOUS! And what we call, Ethan-kosher!

So with that, our son was able to enjoy his very first birthday cake, which he told EVERYONE and ANYONE about for the last month!

"I had BIRFDAY cake!!! I had CHOCWAT Birfday cake!!! I WUV it!"

And when we celebrated his birthday with Duane's family, he was gifted with the most perfect mini firefighter suit and some toy tractors! Our mini firefighter/farmer! He actually lay on the floor (wearing his costume) and just rolled those tractors back and forth quietly for nearly forty-five minutes! Quiet and still for forty-five minutes!! This is a miracle, folks!

On that note, I bid you adieu as I smile gratefully for the adventure in my life that I call "Ethan". And I reflect on how far he has come and how much he fills our family with shaking heads while laughing.

Much love to you all out there!!

Digging for gold... or hairclips?

My darling twenty-three month old son is NOT lacking in character...

Every day is an "adventure" where he is concerned. What will he hit his head against today? What will cause him to bleed today? What will he attempt to climb, or conquer, or fall off of today? Will he eat his food or will it have to be shoved in again? Will he wake up happy or screaming?

Well, apparently I should ask myself "what strange and unexpected thing will he SAY today?" Usually that department is left to Anika who often talks about the rainbow frog in her tummy that hurts her from time to time. Apparently it's the same rainbow frog that hurts grandpa's tummy. I have no clue why it is a frog or why it is multicolored, for that reason, or most importantly - why it hurts her tummy! But she has also talked about back when she was a boy and used to drive a tractor!! And elephants that swallow her.

Okay... not lacking in the imagination department over here!!

But the other day, the tables were turned (almost literally) as we went from paying attention to Anika's anecdotes to looking at Ethan whose finger was up his nose alarmingly high! We all went quiet as we watched in amazement how this child could practically tickle his own brain at this point and finally I asked him "Ethan, what are you looking for up there?"

Without missing a beat, (and with a nasal voice) he replied "a hair clip!"

YIKES!

Thankfully none of my hair clips have gone missing. Even as I type this, he has just walked up to me wearing his favourite butterfly headband and has just knocked his head (twice) on the desk.... knocking OFF the headband and now running away yelling.

Sigh.

Well, I will never EVER complain that my life is boring, that is for sure!!

So may this reach you out there maybe laughing at any "digging for gold" stories that have been in your own life. (I am reminded of my old friend whom at the age of fourteen thought it was pretty darn cool to snort a cooked spaghetti noodle up her nose and pull it out of her mouth... until one got stuck and she ended up in emergency. Hee hee hee!) Oh the things we do in the name of entertainment!

God bless you out there and anything that may reside in your nose!

Praise item AND prayer request

Two things to address today:

One being that today was our appointment with the allergy specialist. They could not believe how BEAUTIFUL Ethan looks! That's right, his skin is the most clear it has ever been! Granted he had a little flare up when we brought some dairy into the house but two days of discomfort is a far cry from the months of pain the poor kid knew!

He is now over twenty-four pounds and I forget how many inches long... way to go motherhood brain... but at least he is in the fiftieth percentile! :) We tested him for a few more things NONE of which came back positive! Granted, he has only been off his hydroxizine (sp?) or rather, antihistamine for three days (supposed to be five for more accurate allergy results). So beet greens, here we come! And seal oil as a source of omega three!!! FINALLY a non-allergen source of omega-3!! Chia seed also came back negative... I know, I know... you're probably looking at the computer screen going "wha?? beet greens? Chia seed? What the heck is chia seed?" We get the very funny looks when we bring in our own "stuff" for allergy testing. You can tell they are holding back the question: "are you serious?"

But give me all the coo-coo looks ya want... we found a source of omega-3! PRAISE GOD! So there you have it. Ethan is nothing short of a walking miracle... an answer to prayer... YOUR prayers! Ok, OUR prayers! Together we united our heart's intention of healing and LOVE for this little boy, and he is doing the best EVER.

Have I mentioned that he is sleeping through the night????? Cue the hallelujah chorus...

Which leads me to my new prayer request. Last week, we brought yogurt back into our home and Anika has been DELIGHTED to have her beloved dairy again. Duane and I had noticed a significant change in her behaviour last year when we removed dairy and gluten from our diets. She stopped getting bladder infections, any behavioural concerns (which were quite minimal) just about ceased altogether, her BM's were finally normal (and there is the poo entry of the day... wait, that is terrible phrasing... there is the poo COMMENT of the day). We have noticed setbacks with any gatherings where she has had dairy and gluten. It's like a whole other Anika for a few days... not fun.

I figured yogurt would be the least harmful of all dairy products... the stuff is half digested already for crying out loud! A couple of days ago, she started doing the sign for "sick" and she said "mommy, I getting sick." I just comforted her and really didn't do anything about it thinking this was just a comment for the sake of conversation. Then a couple of days ago, she passed something in her stool (yes, I am seriously going there right now... for those with weak stomachs skip to the next paragraph...)

Got ya...

Seriously, skip this paragraph if you've got a weak stomach... Ok, she passed something in her stool that seriously looked like intestinal lining. You know that thin wrapper/lining they have on sausages? )Yes, I will have ruined all future sausage-eating moments for you from now on). Well, it looked like that! I called Duane quite concerned but Anika was not bothered by it and Duane didn't seem to think it was a big deal so I felt like I was overreacting.

Welcome back, those of you who were wise and skipped the previous paragraph and can therefore still enjoy sausage. Yesterday, it was very evident that something was not right with her. Sure enough, by bedtime, she was burning up. She didn't sleep all night and Duane and I had to take two hour shifts of lying down in her bed with her. Her stomach was making the same strange gurgling/churning/twisting sounds they would make when she was on the verge of a bladder infection. She swallows lots of air in those moments for some strange reason which just compounds the issue. She told me her stomach and back were hurting. But by this morning, she seemed much better. Still not herself, but much better. Tonight, she is still waking up crying out loud for me. She is in pain but I don't know WHAT is going on.

Is it the gluten she's had? Could she be celiac? My celiac friends out there, can you describe the pains of an attack? Could it be the dairy? She always behaved very strangely if ever we gave her probiotics... could she have an issue with certain bacteria? Or does she have a structural renal issue? There is some renal health history concerns on Duane's side... should we be looking into this?

Or is it just the flu?

Either way, it sucks. I am going off of four hours of sleep in two days and I have no clue how to fix Anika's health issue because I do not know what it is exactly.

So considering the power of your prayers, if I may be so selfish as to ask that you pray for Anika's body to heal and rectify whatever issue has arisen, that would be fantastic. And if we can be made AWARE of what it is so as to make sure it doesn't happen again, that would also be super duper awesome.

Therefore, praise God for the health that we each know, for the healing we have all experienced, the gift of breath, of rest and of hope. For loved ones who look out for us and wish us well and for the goodness of wholesome living. Here's praying that you all have your fair share of all that good stuff! God bless you.

Gut wrenching experience

Sheesh... this whole "tasting all the stuff I have missed" isn't turning out to be so much fun afterall! I had cream in a cup of Mate yesterday and my stomach went into instant knots with strange gurgling sounds followed by intense abdominal pain within the hour! What the heck???

Then being the not-so-bright person that I am, I tried cream in my hot drink AGAIN today only to experience the pain even more intensely.

Wow, so glad I waited a whole year for this. That pretty much confirms the research I did that stated we are actually not designed to consume dairy beyond the age of two. My gut would certainly agree with that statement about now.

Not only that but Ethan has been sleeping through the night for the last couple of weeks (I didn't want to say anything to jinks it in any way). Tonight, as I type this, he is screaming bloody murder. I tried going in to comfort him but he was clawing at his face and ears. Did my handling dairy do this? Did I have some remnants on me while handling him? What went wrong?

Conclusion? I think we are going to just stick with the NO DAIRY policy. And judging by the screaming child, anticipated sleepless night and my gurgling/complaining gut, I think it's safe to say it won't be too difficult to stick to that policy.

Wish me luck... and for goodness sakes, pray for Ethan to be free of his current discomfort. Thank you so much.

Big step for little feet

This is huge for me...

Yesterday morning was the last time I nursed Ethan. Fourteen and a half months of intense reality wrapped around this simple life-giving act. I will never forget this time last year when Ethan began to exhibit serious health issues that only seemed to worsen. I remember the fear as I watched helplessly not knowing WHY or HOW to fix what was rapidly unfolding before my eyes. The dread of feeling like the knowledge and answers were out there SOMEWHERE and the race to find it.

The guilt of feeling as though it was MY milk causing him the intense physical pain, the oozing eczema skin reaction and writhing pain.

I remember when he stopped having wet diapers... the weight he lost... Duane, my rock of all rocks breaking down when he admitted he feared having to find a small coffin. The tears we shed together when we lathered him in silica gel and he stopped screaming for the first time in weeks and actually opened his eyes! Oh that memory...

Duane yelled for me as it dawned on me that there was suddenly the absence of a screaming child. We had just grown so accustomed to his constant pain. Duane had just bathed him and was lathering him in the silica gel (one of our many, many trials to ease the little guy's burden). I ran upstairs because I feared the worst... I have never heard Duane yell for me like that before and the fact that the crying had ceased gripped me so tightly in the chest. My feet could not move fast enough!

There was our son, sores all over his little naked body, but quiet, calm and starring back up at us. We wept and wept and praised God for the first ray of hope we'd had in what felt like forever!

These are the moments I will never forget!

And the allergy specialist meetings and the search for a formula that he would not be allergic to thinking he needed to be off my milk. But the endless challenge of getting him to take a bottle.

Even now, I see how God played His "fate" card here, too. But at the time, I felt CURSED that I couldn't be free of nursing and the challenge of eliminating (and discovering) all of his allergens. This changed our family's life! For the better.

All of those family gatherings with delicious-looking meals that I could not partake in, the little containers of plain Ethan-friendly food. The countless conversations of "when I am done nursing, I will eat..."

And here I am. I feel like I am holding my breath... like something isn't quite right. But my breasts have already deflated like withered balloons (I know, I know... always too much information but I just gotta be me). Perhaps a more medical term would be "pendulous breasts"... yes, this is actually a term they use for women who want to get a breast lift. Pendulous breasts... phhhft! They've just had the life sucked out of them, that's all!

Sigh.

But here I am... suddenly free of the allergens that have bound Ethan and I together on this long journey to-date. I thought I would be a the Tim Horton's drive-thru by now getting my large double-double and blueberry fritter. Instead, I am contemplating sticking to these countless restrictions for the sake of still being bound to Ethan through them. So he doesn't go through this alone.

I really don't know how we are going to proceed from this point onwards. One thing I DO know... I am eating Sushi for my birthday at the end of this month!!! Sweet glorious sushi from Wasabe on Broadway! But even then, my brain kicks in (as it has been well-trained) and I think "oh the egg in the mayo simply won't do and the fish is too serious an allergen to even be near."

So I will chug a gallon of listerine when I am done!!!

Hunh. Freedom. I thought there would be trumpets sounding or something. That simple, eh? Just... freedom? But I praise God for sustaining Ethan's life through the foods he CAN eat. For the freedom from the fear of me dying unexpectedly and the consequences that would have on Ethan's life. Everything really IS going to be okay.

And THAT is probably the feeling that is gripping me the most at this moment. Now it's time for Ethan to truly start his life... and it really is going to be okay. Thank you, God!! Thank you all for your prayers that have carried us through this journey. We love you so much!

"Open" house

I am sitting at my kitchen counter typing away on our computer... kitchen counter? You wonder? Yes, our home addition for Isabel is well underway and my little tiny office space is now a big gaping hole into the new addition... a hole that will soon lead to our spacious entrance with 3-foot wide door and no lip at the base of the door for Isabel's wheelchair to bump onto. I anticipate the many people who will be welcomed into our home and I am sooooo looking forward to loving every one of them in hopes that they will feel God's love for them and from us.

The home I have always desired... not filled with "stuff" but with the "stuff life is made of." My sincerest desire is to make our home a place where others feel welcomed, invited and appreciated.

I think that's why all of this allergy stuff has hit me so hard. Here I am at a phase in my life when I finally have the space to host and have people over (and for the longest time, there WAS always someone here) but with my fears of harming Ethan with his allergens, our home went from being wide open to feeling like some bio-hazard closed off area!

But as he gets older, stronger and we see first hand that his allergens are not "killing" him, our hearts are becoming more peaceful. Once he is weaned, we will likely reintroduce some foods into our home (I really cannot live without garlic) and I will be able to cook my meals again and feed others.

I miss feeding others...

Even with the construction crews around, it feels wrong not to invite them in for hot bowls of chili with fresh bread and homemade butter. Or to offer fresh cookies or muffins. There is such a sense of love when you can nourish others. I love it! (Except when I flop with a recipe... then I just feel like an idiot!). :)

After my last post, I believe that brought us to day four of Ethan's skin clearing up miraculously. And staying true to form, after those magical four days, Ethan's skin began to deteriorate again. What is the culprit? I have no clue... could have been the gluten-free elk sausage that we tried (garlic in it?), could have been my cinnamon roiboos mate (the first I have had in many, many months), it could have been the olive oil on the chicken I baked for him... or something in the celtic sea salt... Maybe it was the stress of all the clanging and banging...

I really don't know.

Melina was wise and said to me yesterday, "Mom, I feel as though God has given me a sentence to pass along to you... 'when you accept it, things will change.'"

Wise words that I have known in my heart all along. Once I let go of thinking I can control Ethan's outcome based on my research and efforts, the sooner I can let go and give room for God to do His bidding. And who better to heal Ethan than His very own Creator? I know this in my head but my heart just won't let go yet. And that delay makes me feel as though it is at Ethan's expense. But even Jesus praised God in Matthew 11:25 "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children." No amount of knowledge and education can outsmart the will of God.

Sigh.

Always a journey of humility and submission. "Let not mine but your will be done." Can you imagine Christ's intense faith and submission? Knowing what was about to unfold, the pain he would have to endure? And in his moment of pleading with our Father in the garden of Gethsemane, He catches himself wanting "this cup to be passed" from Him, and CHOOSES to submit... submit fully... letting go of all control over the situation and trusting that God's Will encompassed more than the immediate future.

And indeed it did...

Why then, with a most perfect example of submission under the most intense of situations, should I even STRUGGLE with letting go and trusting God?

"But what if I don't like His outcome?" Ah... but I cannot imagine that Christ was too keen on the immediate outcome following his prayer in the garden. And yet, the outcome was far greater and for a purpose more grand than anyone could have fathomed.

So perhaps my prayers should not be for miraculous healing. Perhaps it should be for submission and trust. Faith. Trusting that Ethan's suffering is for a greater purpose. Perhaps he is meant to touch many other people's lives as Isabel has done in her state of suffering. Perhaps always fearing pain, suffering and hurt are fears that keep us from fulfilling a bigger picture.

So as I watch Ethan worsen yet again, I praise God and give thanks for the moments He grants us of health, rest, laughter and renewed faith. Because life would be much worse if those moments did not occur at all.

And in the wise words of my daughter, I will continue to work towards accepting where we are all at in this and praise God as Jesus did in Matthew for revealing His truth to the beautiful hearts of our children that we may learn from their unconditional love and reverence for all of His creation.

In Jesus name, I pray... Amen.

A whole new Little Man

And by that, I do not mean that we traded Ethan in... although it almost feels that way! I am telling you, miracles of miracles, he is the most beautiful, the most calm and content he has been since birth!

Days into our therapeutic doses of iron, I noticed his attention span getting better. A few days after that, he decided to start walking! And a few days more, he finally began using sign language (all of my repetition and diligence was ACTUALLY registering in his over active brain!).

He is so delightful! Busy... oh dear Father, is he busy, but truly delightful. He walks all over the house yelling "daddddeeeee... daaaadeeeee". He chuckles and chases Anika.

These days, he eats like a horse! I do not even want to imagine what his appetite will be like when he is a teenager!! I think my father hit the nail on the head back when he was three months old and everything started going down hill: "the poor kid is starving! Feed him meat & potatoes."

I thought he was crazy! But I have been boiling our grass-fed beef short ribs, freezing the broth in ice cube trays to blend with his food and feeding him the delicious meat with most meals, and I tell you, he is a whole new little man. He LOVES meat. That's all he wants to eat... that and grapes... just like Mina did.

I have even been able to sit and READ books to him! And I am not talking about the lightning speed reading of yelling out random words as the pages fly by my face due to busy little hands who couldn't be patient enough to WAIT for me to turn the pages.

My little Ethan is coming out of his itchy shell. Iron deficiency and garlic have been the major culprit all of these months! Goes to show the blatant denial on my part... garlic was one of the only remaining food items that I consumed in large quantities on a daily basis... you'd think I would have made the link but nope. I had it in my mind that no one could possibly ever be allergic to garlic! It's practically an herbal gift directly from the creator!! I mean, c'mon!

Sigh.

But alas, meals have certainly become simplified and I think Ethan is starting to wean himself. He actually slept for a seven hour stretch last night!

Joy of joy! Your prayers, our prayers have been answered! More answers that have finally led us to Ethan's basic needs. And the successful protocol? He is on a hypoallergenic probiotic called EMF Super Powder, Licorice Root extract, L-Glutamine, Iron, and Baby Ddrops. Foods consumed daily are bananas, applesauce, avocados, grapes, yams, beef, chicken, beans, carrots and zucchini. He gladly gnaws on raw red pepper so his vitamin C consumption is finally greatly increased.

Lastly, we add a scoop of Metagenics Ultracare for Kids (food supplement) and have truly loved the added nutrients, prebiotics, and amino acids he gets from it.

It has taken a LONG time (or so it feels that way) but we finally have our son back. He is beautiful, pink, plump (he gained a pound and a half these past three weeks!) and he is exploring his surroundings and communicating so well. He signs: grapes, banana, more, all done, milk, hat, wind, train, tree, shoes, help and eat.

I should really reflect and structure this entry a little better instead of blurting out my excitement as though I were yelling out instructions to a babysitter while trying to run out the door! But I am so grateful to you all for keeping our son in your thoughts, your prayers and your healing intentions.

We are so richly blessed and we thank you for your part in that. God bless you all!!

Anything but that!!!

That does it! I am going to have to sell my poor Ethan on Kijiji or something. I told God "I am willing to give up everything except garlic" which I should honestly know by now is an invitation to have that very thing you are UNWILLING to give up forcefully taken from you.

I am talking about this morning's appointment at the allergy specialist's office. We skin pricked him for Vegenaise (our egg-free mayo), Hemp seed (because I am DETERMINED to find a source of Omega-3 he is NOT allergic to), tomato, honey, turmeric (super incredible healing properties), lime, Agave Nectar (only form of sweetener he does NOT seem to react to), red pepper (a non-citrus source of vitamin C), onion (cuz it goes in everything we eat) and our beloved, sacred, creme-de-la-creme... GARLIC.

Surely he wouldn't be allergic to garlic but I figured the kid still hasn't cleared up despite eliminating just about everything else. His allergy to garlic is as high up there as milk and eggs and fish... ARGH!!! At least now we know WHY he hasn't been clearing up all this time.

But seriously... garlic? C'mon! That's just mean! Anyways... just thought I'd update you on the newest developments: severely allergic to garlic & vegenaise, highly allergic to hemp seed, tomato, honey and turmeric, NOT allergic to lime, agave nectar, red pepper, onion & mushrooms. Take care out there! And enjoy your garlic!!

Pumpin' Iron

Amazingly, the therapeutic doses of iron had incredible effects immediately! Within 24 hrs, Ethan's skin healed and his overall mood was very happy... just in time for his Birthday celebration with Duane's family.

It was wonderful! He even took a few steps. His favourite thing in the world is STAIRS! Once he spots stairs, he just cannnot seem to resist. Up and down, up and down, etc... He has mastered flowing down the stairs on his stomach at an alarming rate. I have to keep him in onesies just to make sure he doesn't rub the skin off his stomach!

The iron has clearly helped him out. We saw the naturopath on the 21st and he gave Ethan a B12 shot, "prescribed" some licorice root, L-Glutamine to heal his guts and said to continue with the vitamin D drops, too. All encouraging stuff.

However, today Ethan's skin has broken out in brutal eczema spots again. I have no clue what the culprit is/was. I had blueberries in my bland rice & sorghum porridge this morning... could that be it? I had salsa at lunch... could it be the tomatoes? I put a little licorice root in his food at lunch... is that it?

Well, at least I feel confident that his red blood cell count is climbing every day. So that's Ethan's update, to-date for this date which leaves you up-to-date. Can you tell I still need a little more sleep?

Some day. There will come a time when I sleep seven hours straight... someday.

Our not-so-Iron little man

Long time no type! I have been dedicating ALL free time (if any) to researching sources of omega-3 essential fatty acids and more recently, iron deficiency so I apologize for the delay in updating you all.

Ethan turned one this past Tuesday... a milestone I remember fearing he would not see when he first took a turn for the worst only months ago (seems like an eternity ago). Needless to say we delighted in the privilege of his health and strength. He has been fighting a cold for a few weeks now so Papa kept him home during Thanksgiving festivities.

So what do you do as a birthday celebration for a highly allergic one-year old boy? Well, take him to two doctor's appointments, of course! Yes, happy birthday precious Ethan... here are some skin pricks to test more allergies, a puffer prescription to treat asthma, and an eczema protocol that includes antibiotic & hydro cortisone creams... again.

Sigh.

What of his birthday cake? Oh silly, silly you... unless you can find a gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, nut-free, soy-free blah-blah-blah-free cake (THAT IS EDIBLE) I am afraid it is sweet potato puree with a hypothetical candle on top!

What of his presents? A high quality Britax car seat and the added discovery that he is highly allergic to mustard, curry and mildly allergic to lentils. But we also learned that he is NOT allergic to kidney beans, dill, zucchini, olives and watermelon. Another "gift" was the results of his hematology report which showed extremely low red blood cell count (104 when normal is 140-175... and below 100 can cause serious damage to the heart & other major organs). Within that test, they also discovered that his iron stores (ferritin levels) are alarmingly low measuring in at 6 ug/L (normal range is 20-250).

Our son is quite anemic and the neurological long-term damage if left untreated could be significant.

Now, try finding a bio-available source of iron (preferably ferrous fumarate which has 33% availability for absorption) in liquid form WITHOUT additives such as citrus flavour or berry flavour... crap he is ALLERGIC TO!!! Good 'ol enfamil's Fer-in-Sol will have to do for now as we try to treat him with therapeutic amounts of iron without toxicity issues.

For your own info, should you experience major fatigue, dizziness, inflamed tongue, destructibility... (later edit... just noticed the word DESTRUCTABILITY instead of disTRACTability! Hee hee hee) you might want to look into this iron supplement fact sheet.

As for taking in adequate amounts of iron through diet, he is allergic to the fish, eggs and dairy but can eat red meat, fortified cereals and chicken (thank goodness). Further research shows that calcium interferes with iron absorption so try avoiding taking any supplements (or eating iron-rich foods) along with calcium. But vitamin C is welcomed during iron-ingesting time! Oh yes, it plays a key role in its absorption. Hooray vitamin C!

Delving deeper into issues creating hemoglobin, I discovered a huge link to vitamin B12 deficiency which correlates with my theory about his gull bladder affecting his fat-soluble vitamins... there is a bigger picture and I feel like I am working on a 2 million piece puzzle with little to no time to work on it! And by the time I get to it again, I forget where I left off in organizing my pieces!

Suffice it to say that I am determined to find the ROOT CAUSE of this eco-system of off-kilter-ness (if that is a word... highly doubt it is but it sure sounds good). My concern is the link between iron deficiency and ADHD... as my son is pulling out every kleenex from the box at my feet... oh and chewing on it now... sigh. Thank goodness he is not allergic to kleenex... Wow, who am I claiming is ADHD? I can barely focus on one paragraph over here!

Bottom line, we are getting answers that lead us to more specific questions which means we are on the right track. Luv you all!

We're home again

You prayer warriors are amazingly gifted! As is typical of any child brought into emergency, Ethan's symptoms seemed to miraculously dissipate as I stood there looking like an idiot saying "Um, he was having lots of trouble breathing."

His sats were great, his heart rate was quite elevated from working so hard & from the dose of ventolin I had given him at 9:00 pm. He still had indrawing at the ribs and the trachea (where he is working so hard to breath that you see his lungs sucking back the skin in those areas). He was now breathing 40 breaths per minute instead of 60.

Doctors looked in his ears - all good. Praise God! They took his temperature and it was not alarming (101). They listened to his chest and agreed that he was having some difficulty breathing but that it was likely virus-related and/or asthma related.

They advised to continue watching him and that should he seem distressed by his breathing (which he wasn't last night) to return immediately.

So that is that. Amy, you hit the nail on the head with your comment... his little body is stronger than I give him credit for and he is WINNING this fight against whatever is trying to get a foothold on his immune system.

I am wickedly pooped today. Every now and again my eyes get out of focus (either that or I am aging prematurely!). The body is an amazing thing the way it copes and heals. I am blessed to have my health and thank God for every winning moment Ethan knows in his own battles.

And for you, his prayer army, that is right there behind him. How you are all so beautiful to me... how your prayers call out like a chorus of angels. You make me feel like Ethan's suffering can bring glory to God in the ways you come together in spirit so selflessly, so lovingly.

You are all so beautiful to me! God bless you from the bottom of my heart and from the deepest realms of His heavenly grace.

Melt down 101

Um, yeah... too bad the new-found serenity from my previous entry didn't last into this past moment!

Can you guess who is causing the upset? Could it be my healthy Melina? Nope... Could it be my healthy Isabel? Ironically, no. Anika, you wonder? Nope! Once again, my Ethan's health is spinning my head into a frenzy.

We took some family pictures outdoors on Sunday which ended up being quite a chilly day. I thought I had Ethan well clothed but he woke up Monday morning with a runny nose, congestion and the beginnings of a cough. Anika began complaining "mommy, I tired." So I knew something was up with her, too. That and she kept running up to me yelling "I NEEEEED a kleenex, mom!"

Great.

Sure enough, today both kids have full blown (pardon the pun) colds. Thankfully, Anika's mood is not affected by it. She has been sweet as pie these last few days but poor Ethan's breathing has been getting progressively worse. Earlier today, he was beginning to develop a fever and tonight, his breathing is laboured. He is miserable and can barely nurse due to stuffiness & a runny nose. His fever is getting worse and he is growing more and more irritable.

So is this a minor cold or did he contract the feared H1N1? You know, if he was a normal child, I wouldn't get so scared when he gets sick like this. But he is not a normal child health-wise and I am DEAD scared of what a powerful virus would do to him.

And with that fear in my heart, I attempted to take his oxygen sats using Izzy's machine but it requires sitting still with the probe on your finger for several seconds. Well, have you met Ethan? Add a dose of irritability and it's like trying to probe a jumping Mexican bean... or some other legume he is NOT allergic to.

I lost it and spanked his little padded bum because he was just screaming and screaming and flailing and all I wanted to do is make sure he doesn't need emergency care. That frenzied moment where you just don't know what to do anymore and stupidity takes over.

Recognizing that I was in "the danger zone" (you know that fine line between sanity & insanity?) I quickly brought him upstairs, put him in his crib and left the room as fast as I could. I came back downstairs to my supper that was now burning due to being side-tracked and Duane calls from work (at the time he would normally be arriving home) to say he got held back and would be home in the next twenty minutes.

Ethan is screaming on the monitor and I don't know how to fix him, how to find out what is happening inside of him... and is it a tantrum or is it pain? What is happening and when will I ever get the answers?

And the internal voice yelling at God begins "If you're planning on taking him early anyways than get it over with already! I can't take this anymore!"

...And cue the flood of tears...

With every day that he grows more and I learn more about him, the more I love him. The longer we go down this road the more heart wrenching it would be to lose it. Are we fighting a losing battle? I just want to know if my heart will be ripped from my chest... is that too much to ask? I feel like my faith is on the brink of jumping off the cliff. I know I have many blessings to be thankful for... just read my next entry and it is obvious that the blessings are abundant. But these deep pains where my children's health is concerned are just cruel.

First Isabel... years of not knowing from one day to the next if she would make it. All the vomiting up to twenty times a day, all the trips to emergency, that blasted moment in the resuscitation room... all those moments where my heart stopped beating for fear it would go on WITHOUT my precious little one. It took nearly eight years but she finally attained health. Now she is hardly ever sick!

But now there is Ethan... my heart feels so much where he is concerned. Just last night I was telling Duane that I am more than willing to keep nursing and being restricted in every single thing I put in my mouth if it means Ethan is healthy and with us. I don't want to complain about how hard it feels because I would kick myself for it if we ever lost him. And then I wonder if in eight years, I will look back at this time and be glad it is over? Just like I am doing with Isabel? What is in store for Ethan?

When he gets sick, it scares me so much. How long before we seek help? How can we help him in the meantime? Like I said, if he was a "normal" child, this wouldn't bother me nearly as much as it does.

So there you have it. My ugly meltdown of October 7th, 2009... less than a week away from Ethan's first birthday. My son who was born on Thanksgiving day... perhaps there is more link between these last two entries than meets the eye. I will have to pray and seek further guidance, a stronger heart and a faith more willing to submit lovingly to God's plan. Wherever you are as you read this, I love you for being part of this with me. You in Netherlands! You in Korea! You in Oakbank and Dugald! You in Brandon! Etc... All of you... thank you so much. I do not feel alone in this.

I do not feel alone.