Butterflies, Dreams/Prophesies and Deuteronomy 13

Shabbat Shalom (peaceful sabbath) to all of you out there!

I am emerging from a spiritual cave, if you will, and greeting the sun on my face (despite a current thunderstorm outside) with a renewed peace.  These last few years, nearly ever free moment of my time has been spent with my nose in scripture, seeking understanding and discernment in accordance with the Word of God... eager in my expectation that He would grant me wisdom because I have asked believing fully He will deliver.

But my timing is certainly not God's timing!  However, I am learning that His timing is far more gracious than even my imagination could fathom.

Patience and diligence are becoming all-too-familiar words of "reassurance"... sometimes met with annoyance and other times met with humility.  But the journey is one leaving me deeper and deeper in love with the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob... the one and only everlasting God who is steadfast in His love, slow to anger, merciful and just in all His judgments.  And to Him belongs all glory, forever and ever.  Amen.

So why the cave?  Perhaps cocoon is a better description.  I am undergoing a transformation, if you will, as I let the Word refine, rebuke, reshape all that I once believed was Truth.  My old self has experienced a death as God revealed to me where I had elevated my own definition of Truth above His universal one for all peoples for all time.  I thought my understanding of Love was truth but He is showing me how HE defines love... and it is drastically different than what my own understanding had perceived.  To my horror, it left me empty before the question "do I LOVE God?"

No matter how well-intentioned I thought my heart was, I have been deeply humbled by a veil being lifted by the grace of God allowing my eyes to see the god I placed before Him... my own understanding.

"Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding."  (Proverbs 3:5)

As I have been transforming, my natural desire has been to share all revealed knowledge with anyone and everyone... whether they asked or not!  "Look!  Look!  Look!  Behold the manna of life!  It will humble you to the point of dying to one's self but see the life it gives!!  Repent!  Repent!  For we risk worshipping in vain!!"

Hmmmm, can you imagine how well THAT message feels to loved ones who never asked for it?  Before I realized it, I was becoming a sledge-hammer whacking anyone near me with a sword of truth I thought would shed light and bring life.  After all, isn't that what anyone wants for those they love?  Well, cue in dose of humble pie number one of... well... countless to come.  Sigh.

I was yielding a sword that left me standing in the blood of a spiritual massacre, trusting that God would breathe life back into His people!  But I ran into battle without waiting for Him alone to say "go... I will be your front guard and your rear guard."

I withdrew as I observed loved ones pulling away rather than drawing near.  How is THAT glorifying to God?  His word should burn like a burning bush and cause others to draw near, just as Moses did... not flee in the opposite direction!  But by the same token, His truth truly IS a double-edged sword cutting through flesh and marrow and revealing the true intentions of the heart.  If that revelation stings (which it ALWAYS does), not everyone will eagerly declare, "Oh please, sign me up for some spiritual torment!"

But...

God is looking for the humble and contrite and let me testify, nothing in my life has humbled me as the chastisement of His word and revelation of His truth.  It is fearfully beautiful, humbling and glorifying, terrifying and glorious all at once.  It is the deepest hurt and death I have experienced and the greatest joy and life I have encountered.  I don't know how He manages to encompass all of these extremes in one but it sheds light to His truth that He is indeed "the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end."

So I have been cocooned in hopes of emerging a new creation... His new creation... in submission to His everlasting and unchanging word... declaring His word, not by whacking people over the head or yielding His sword carelessly around those who never asked, but by living my life as a living testimony to it.  And should my life burn with His light, then He will stir something in others that will cause them to draw near.  Only then, when a heart wants to know and consequently inquires will I be able to answer to the best of my ability... knowing it will never be by my words that one will see and know but by His grace alone that a seed will germinate and bear fruit for His glory... by His calling alone... just as Jesus alone lifted the veil from his apostles in Luke 24 allowing them to "see" Him in all the scriptures (Torah - books of Moses, Neviim - prophets, and Ketuvim - writings (psalms, proverbs, ecclesiastes and song of solomon).

Having said this, I emerge with the hope to share my journey with a humble heart... praying that no one feels the need to withdraw, run away, or take offence, but rather to simply know it as my testimony for others to do with it as God alone inspires them to do.  I am now ready to share because I no longer feel the need to "prove" or "defend" what I understand as if one little person could make a difference in the big picture, but rather to simply testify to what has always been and will always be, truth.

All of this to say my next few posts will likely be dedicated to sharing this journey.  I have taken Deuteronomy 6 very seriously (the Greatest Commandment) and am devoting my motherhood to teaching my children the word of God.  I will indeed talk about it when I am sitting in my house, when I am walking by the Way, when I lie down and when I rise.  I will keep them as frontlets between my eyes and bind them as a spiritual sign on my hand.  And I will indeed, teach them diligently to my children, too.  That the world may know that the Lord our God is ONE.  Not one God for Israel and one God for Gentiles... nope.  One God.  One righteous rule.  One Shepherd.  One bride.  One faith... united through the blood of a Passover Lamb.  Just as Egyptians left with the multitude of Israelites after the 1st Passover and God addressed this WHOLE mixed multitude as "Israel"... so does He look upon Gentiles grafted in to Israel through the blood of the Passover Lamb whose name is Immanuel.  God has indeed fulfilled the promise spoken through Abraham that "God Himself will provide the lamb."  And just as the Gentile, Ruth, declared "Your God will be my God" so do we who have faith through the blood of Yeshua declare this same redemptive work through the outstretched arm of God.

I have known my whole life that I was living in a precious time.  Prophecy is unfolding before our eyes and I feel privileged to live in such a time as these.  I have had dreams and visions for as long as I can remember.  At age five I shared this with my parents concerning God's will for His creation... "God intended His church to be a place of healing, not of judgement."  Even back then, my heart knew this was not concerning a physical building but rather His dwelling among the people... His ecclesia.

It has been pressing on my heart to share some of these dreams knowing full well there could be nothing to them.  But also knowing that God uses dreams and visions to reveal His will.  However, these visions and dreams MUST align with His word or it fails the Deuteronomy 13 test which states that should a dreamer of dreams or prophet come and these visions come to pass BUT this dreamer of dreams or prophet teaches God's people to move AWAY from His Torah (instructions), then these are FALSE PROPHETS sent by God to test our faithfulness to Him.

So I share some of these dreams praying that someone out there, anointed by God, may shed light on their meaning, should there be any.  Again, perhaps they mean nothing but perhaps they mean something.   I put it out there trusting God will reveal which it is.

With much love in my heart, I leave you with this blessing which reaches deeper than my own prayers for you ever could:

The Lord spoke to Moses, saying, "Speak to Aaron and his sons, saying, Thus you shall bless the people of Israel: you shall say to them, 'The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace.'  So shall they put my name upon the people of Israel, and I will bless them."  (Numbers 6:22-27)

Purim-ification!!

Alright everyone... take in a deep breath... hold it... hold it... hooooold it... and now, let it all out.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.  Squeeze out just that last little breath and the next breath you take in will fill you with release, more oxygen and a feeling of intention that you have just taken a second to look out for "you".

And that is what Sabbath feels like for me!  Oh beloved Sabbath!  Do I dare imagine where my mental state would be without you?  Do you know what dawned on me not too long ago?  When God commanded us to rest on the seventh day (as He did), He sanctified that day... not for Him... but for US!  I did not quite understand that at first, but man o man, does it make sense to me now!

I have no doubt that you know the attempts at "rest" when your  body is crying out for it only to have the mental background noise kabosh any true rest due to the nagging haunting "to-do's" and "you should be doing..."  It's as though Sabbath is a commandment for our brains to stop, allowing us to commune more meaningfully with family and/or friends.  It's our PERMISSION to rest!

I did not realize how much noise my brain made until we started observing Sabbath (from sun down on Friday to sundown on Saturday).  The mental hubbub gets swept under the rug (or generally tossed out the window!) and I can literally feel the smile growing on my face, my shoulders dropping down (why on earth were they up to my ears in the first place) and peace settling into my soul like a welcomed visitor!

This is actually the first Sabbath our family has had in a couple of months!  Not by failure on our parts to TRY to observe it but just due to life in general.  With Duane's shift work, he worked for quite a few of those Saturdays and for about four of them, Melina was invited out to be with either family or friends.  With me at home alone with all the critters, Sabbath was not feeling "set a part" but just like any other day!

So today, I relish in this opportunity to simply "BE" together... (as I leave my family to stare at my computer screen... the irony is just hitting me now).  Duane is usually quite purposeful (taking kids outside) in giving me these chances to connect with you all.  You know, there really is something prayerful for me to open my heart and share my thoughts and life events.  It brings me great peace and I pray that it can give you something, too!

There is so much to catch up on!  For instance, there was my pathetic attempt at honouring Purim a few weeks ago...

Purim is not one of God's appointed times but it is a significant historical event for the Hebrew nation when one of their kind was taken in as Queen at a time when a royal decree was proclaimed to slay all Hebrews (men, women, children) on a certain day.  If you have the chance, read the book of Esther (it's a quick read) and be amazed at the "poetic justice" enforced upon the man whose heart served only himself.

Anyways, the holiday is celebrated by feasting (of course) and sharing meals with others, particularly neighbours, the poor, the shut-ins and the widows.

And this is a part where I reveal a weakness or shortcoming of mine.  Whether this "instinct" comes from having been a single mother living on very little income, I do not know, but it is one I am in the process of "shedding".  What is it, you wonder?  (Deep breath)  I struggle with GIVING things away to others.  Oh I can lend things out, but not without making a mental note of making sure I eventually get it back.

It sucks.  It feels selfish, untrusting and just so petty.  I literally have a mild panic attack wondering "but what if I will need it?"  How silly given the fact that it may be something I have not used in a long time and regardless of the fact that I MIGHT need it someday... the fact remains that someone could use it NOW.

Duane gives of anything and everything he has!  His vehicles, his time, his machinery, his tools... anything and everything... no questions asked, no hesitancy on his part.  It drove me nuts at first but now it just humbles the bejeebers out of me!  Besides, WHAT we have is not by a result of OUR own means!!!  Our provisions are just that... provisions!  All that we have is thanks to God so in essence, if it comes FROM Him, then it belongs TO Him!  If what I have came from Him, why would I ever adopt the notion that is is mine?  If someone asks for something, should it therefore not be giving out without a single expectation of having it returned?  Shouldn't it be given out as though passing on a GIFT from one to the next?

There are times where this can happen, no problemo.  But other times where I find myself making that mental note.  Quite frankly, I want to get rid of that reaction.  And Purim was presenting a fantastic opportunity to do just that!

One of our next door neighbours (about a five minute walk away), is 93 years old, near blind (yet still shovels her walkway as though no snow has ever fallen) and has been a widow for many, many years.  I have been her neighbour for over four years now and not once have I ever walked over to introduce myself, to bring her a meal, or just simply offer her the comfort of knowing I think of her and wish her well.  For days, this weighed heavily on my heart.  Like an answer to prayer, the weeks leading up to Purim, my readings delved further into its historical significance and hope began to flicker inside my heart as I imagined making a few pots of soup for our dear Mrs. Oliman (whose name I have changed for privacy's sake) and bring them to her in individual servings.  I could even make it a Sabbath tradition... bring her some soup and challah bread (when I'd finally get back to making it!).

Oh the feeling in my heart was incredible!  Finally, I could use our provisions (provided by God) and share them with those He has trusted in our care!

A few days went by and we suddenly received a call from Mrs. Oliman's grand-daughter.  She was rather upset asking us to please run over to make sure her grandmother was okay.  She had been trying to reach her since the night before with no luck.

And what does my guilt do?  "See?  If you had just been a present neighbour, this would not be happening!" 


"Duane!  I am going with you!  I want to make sure she's okay, too.  And I owe her an apology."

So off we went, nervous and scared at the moment that was impending.  Duane banged loudly on the door (as she is losing her hearing, too) and we heard shuffling within.  (sigh of relief).  She opened the door and I proclaimed "MRS OLIMAN!  I AM YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR, RITA, AND I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR NOT COMING OVER TO MEET YOU BEFORE NOW."

Now I have heard some tales about this woman and I am sure you can imagine how "feisty" this woman must be given the fact that she is living fully independently (on a farmstead) at ninety-three years of age. I think part of the reason I had not come to meet her was because I was afraid!  (Boy, I am sure doing a fine job of painting a lovely image of my weaknesses today).

She looked at me (or slightly passed me as her eyes do not work) as we both stood there for a moment... my thoughts: did I say that loud enough?  Should I hug her?  Is she contemplating calling the cops?  Suddenly her stern look relaxed as she said "Oh... come, I give you coffee."

As we sat at her table, Duane looked over at me with a warning look and hand gesture of "do NOT drink the coffee!"  I looked angrily at him hoping he could read my mind of do NOT make gestures around a blind woman! And besides, I also wondered how much that "sixth sense" could come into play here, too!  Regardless, given the debt I felt towards this woman, I would have accepted a cup of fermented fish heads!  Thankfully, it was instant coffee instead.

It fascinated me to watch her manoeuvre around her kitchen so effortlessly despite being blind.  She called me over to the cutlery drawer and said "Here.  You put how much coffee you want in your cup"

I looked down at the fork she offered me and said "Okay, but I might be here for a while."

She grabbed it back, put it directly in front of her eyes and said "Oh... I get you a spoon."

Before long, we were sitting at her table with a package of cookies before us.  Would you believe she said that she was happy to finally meet me and that she had often debated walking over but was worried she would get hit by a vehicle?  (And cue the tears of guilt)

No, I did not actually start to cry but I did reach out to touch her shoulder and say, "I am glad you did not put yourself at risk... again, I should have been here sooner."

And then I asked "Mrs. Oliman, do you like noisy children?"

"Yes, I LOVE them."

"Good, because I happen to have a few of them and I would like to bring them to meet you."

"Yes, yes!!  I would LOVE that.  I will play with them!"

By then, her granddaughter had arrived proclaiming "GRANDMA!  You scared the crap out of me!!"  So I got to meet her granddaughter as well.  At Mrs. Oliman's previous comment of wanting the kids to come over, her granddaughter leaned over and said "Good luck with that one... it is a minefield around here!"

Sure enough, i finally began to look around and noticed the plethora of porcelain decorations everywhere.  Yikes, hopefully Mrs. Oliman is better at parting with earthly belongings than I am!!

(nervous laugh of shame)

We left and I was that much more determined to step out of my lovely world of intentions and step into the world of ACTION.  Oh trust me, in my pretty world of good intentions, I am such a wonderful person!  In the world of following through with action?  Not so good.  Okay, okay... I suck!

But along came Purim!  Finally, an opportunity to take out those brand new casserole dishes we got for our wedding nearly five years ago (yes, I really am aware at how ugly a picture of myself I am painting here but I vow to be honest with you all... and myself) and decided I would make a few casseroles and bring them to surrounding neighbours (two in particular who appear to be struggling with paying their bills).  It is time to let them know that I am here for them in any way that I can be, that I think of them and that I want nourishment for them... and a casserole dish!

(Cue Mega-Nice-Mom of grandiose - and unrealistic - dreams)

And then I can make a big pot of spaghetti sauce and bring a jar to ALL our neighbours on our road!  And Melina and I can bake two separate kinds of cookies and have a lovely plate of cookies, too!  Oh, and the kids can do craft time and make lovely "Happy Purim" cards!  Oh it will be a happy Purim for EVERYONE!  And the world will hold hands and sing Kumbaya... all will be good!

Told you my world of intentions was real perdy.

(Cue reality)

Purim was finally here and Duane was gone all day in a meeting and then off to work a night shift so it was me and the five kids.  For some reason, I thought it would be smart to start this whole "project Purim" when the kids would go down for nap in the afternoon.  Stupidly thinking that Anika might want to partake in the baking part, I let her stay up... which meant Ethan had to stay up (darn those puppy dog eyes and his pleading to stay up with Anika!).  Alright, so I figured I would put a movie on in the living room with pillows and blankets so that Ethan would eventually fall asleep.

Next, I told Melina to choose one of the two cookie recipes.  "Mina, keep it simple... something quick and easy but delicious."

I had chosen cowboy cookies and she opted for some strange "healthy" recipe out of my "healthy cooking book"... not a place I would have looked for a yummy cookie recipe... but hey, I gave her my criteria and I trusted her.

Next was "make a list of the ingredients we'll need for both recipes and I'll run to the store quick to get them."  Off I went into the nearest town.  It wasn't until I started grabbing plain yogurt that I started questioning the recipe Melina chose.  But there was no time for questions... we had to bake these cookies and make a spaghetti sauce in time to drive up and down our road to about ten families with a meal, desserts, homemade cards and a friendly introduction!

Got back, had to nurse Sivana, then it was change diapers (including Isabel's).. oops, forgot about getting Izzy her water and setting up her feeding... and did Ethan poop again?  Naps did NOT happen so we were ambushed by crying fits and meltdowns.  And shoot, how would we distribute all these things?  Do I just leave Isabel, Anika, Ethan and Sivana in the van still running while Melina and I run to these people's doors bearing gifts?  It takes about forty-five minutes to dress & load all the kids... we are quickly running out of time!  And will this be well received or am I just going to freak out the neighbours?

We got one batch of cookies made.. phew!  Spaghetti sauce was well on its way.  Then it was time to tackle "Melina's" cookie recipe.

Good grief!  I should have definitely doubled checked!!  Mix flour, cut in butter, add yogurt, form dough, roll into ball, REFRIGERATE FOR THIRTY MINUTES (are you kidding me?), then cut into sections, roll out each section.... oh and then it's create inner mixture via food processor, add to individually rolled out pieces, ROLL each piece, then CUT into 1/4 inch slices (which caused each piece to unravel... so in essense it was 'cut each piece, re-stuff it then re-roll it"... ARGH... lay on cookie sheet, bake for... get this... THIRTY MINUTES, turning over once half way through!!!  Cripes!!!  I doubled this blasted batch!!  We are not going to be done making these before nine o'clock at night!!!

The kids are screaming around us, I am barking orders at Melina who is now looking ready to pack her bags and hitch hike her way to "anywhere but here!" and the sauce burned to the bottom while I was trying to make these horrific nightmarish "cookies"!  The kitchen is an absolute battle zone of allergens, the kids are now colouring on themselves rather than the Happy Purim cards and someone is now knocking at the door....

Are you kidding me??  (And this is why I live happily in my world of good intentions!!)

By the end of the day, we finally ate our supper around 8:00 pm, the kids were fit to be tied (napless and hungry), Isabel was crying to have her movie restarted, Sivana was an hour past her bedtime, Melina was in tears feeling guilty for the horrific disaster that was "the cookies" and I was nearly crying myself from feeling like I cannot get anything right!!

Happy Purim, everybody!!!

So there you have it, folks, I have successfully revealed to you that I am a hoarder who struggles sharing unconditionally what is not even hers, I yell at my fifteen year old daughter for picking a cookie recipe that I should have double checked, I do not visit elderly neighbours or bring them soup until it is nearly too late, and I thrive cowardly in my world of intentions because I let the real world of action overwhelm me.  Any of you want to be my best friend??  (sad laugh)

Sigh.

Oh the work that is needed in my heart makes me sad some days.  But those are the humbling moments that remind me never to judge anyone else... to never point out the fleck in someone else's eye due to the monumental log in my own!  And as I struggle to be the person I WANT to be, it reminds me to love everyone else for being on that same journey.  None of us are perfect... and I think that's what I like most about it... I get to love you from the bottom of my heart (and all its own faults) for simply "being".

God bless you all out there.  May this find you laughing at the very challenges in your own life that stretch you and force you to grow... and may you love yourself unconditionally in that process... because SOMEBODY does!  And that in my perfect world of returning emails promptly (or at all!) and/or phone calls, I have sought each of you out to hug you and thank you for being here by the sheer will of God!  I humbly love you!!

Our family Sabbath song

So here is our family gathering just after sundown to sing our "Sabbath song."  This is a song I made up for each of us to have the opportunity to share what we are most grateful for that week (or day).  This week, Sivana was grateful for good milk, Ethan was thankful for movies, Anika was thankful for castles, Isabel was thankful for pictures, Melina was thankful for 2nd semesters, I was thankful for family and friends and Papa Bear was thankful for finally being at home after a week of constant driving around and feeling a part from his family.

The words are as simple as can be!  Some of you have joined us on Sabbath and have added your own "thankful for..." comments for us to sing to.

Hope you enjoy being a part of our "singing" that happened last night (which also happened to be my birthday).  

Much love to all of you out there and may you find yourself singing this tune with your own little things to be grateful for!

A little too "Rood" for some!

How beautiful are all of you out there??  Bless your good hearts and the loving connections you've made to give direct feedback regarding the Michael Rood video that I posted!  Those connections ranged anywhere from those of you who said "kuddos for sharing! That was a real eye opener" to "yikes, Rita, we are rather concerned for you!"  The full gamut was very intriguing and has left me questing for more answers!  And that's exactly why I shared what I did... can it stand on its own two legs?  If not, then it is weak and cannot bring glory to God!

So I am proud of you who took the courage to connect with me directly.  I know some of you were very hesitant for fear of offending but I say to you, anything you say will be taken in, weighed heavily, mulled over and applied to the growth process... no worries about offending!  Did my heart ache in some instances?  Yes.  I did ache especially for my darling mom who phoned because she was concerned about her Christmas gathering scheduled to be hosted in our home today and the possibility of compromising/offending our belief system... (bless your heart mom!  And if I could have crawled through that phone to hug you and reassure you of how much I love you, I would have!!).  In fact, we ended our phone conversation with her loving heart expressing "well, that's just one more ingredient to our family that we get to celebrate!  Maybe I'll buy you a menorah for Christmas!"

I love my family!

And another dear friend shared a book her father wrote on the history of Christmas and an open invitation to have tea with him and delve into candid discussion on the topic!  Given his twenty years of field research in this area, I am really intrigued by this opportunity!! 

So bottom line, there is a part of me that longs to apologize for the harshness of Michael Rood's approach to the information to those of you out there who were offended.  I was so hopeful that people would look past the messenger to see if the message itself, the historical data shared, was of value or not.  If any of you are interested in a more "tactful" man who shares this info from his own perspective journey (far more loving in his approach BECAUSE of his experience with Christmas) then I would suggest Jim Staley of Passion for Truth Ministries.  Again, I need to reiterate that the first time Duane addressed this with me, I was horrified by his opinion, did not believe the background info and was very angry (quite frankly) that he dared threaten to take away from me something as precious as the family treasured memories of Christmas... So trust me, I get the whole "feeling offended!"

But a seed was planted.

And that seed grew and grew and suddenly my eyes were beginning to see things in a light I had not imagined before and enough information surfaced that I could no longer say I was 100% convinced that our version of celebrating Christmas did not go against God's requests and commands in some way(s)... enough that the conviction was no longer strong enough to choose to continue that tradition in our own little family (or not so little).  That realization created a sense of urgency in sharing that with you all for fear that any potential validity to those historical claims could threaten the beautiful faith I have been witness to in all of you around me as it felt that it had threatened mine.  And beyond that sense of urgency, there lay a loving respect for our loved ones for the choices they make and the journey they themselves are on!  BUT if we have been deceived in any way, I wanted to blow that whistle so loud that God's light would cast away ANY shadows that could blind us unknowingly in any way!

That is our family's journey, open and raw, still in the process... but shared with you openly every step of the way.  And those of you who love us and are witness to this journey... you have blessed us with your prayers, your concerns, and the information you've shared, pro and con.

So let me say it again... you have such beautiful hearts!  You are so very loving and I am glad that I can share with you the good and the bad of this journey I call "my life".  God bless you all out there, know that you are loved, that you are my brothers and my sisters of this world, that I wish you Truth and growth every step of the way... In Jesus precious name, Amen.

Holiday introspection

The snow is dancing in the air like soft kisses being blown down from heaven... it is beautiful and there is always such a gentleness that slows me down when I peek out the window to glimpse the mood on such days. The sun is hiding behind a grayish-white sky creating an illusion that the treeline rests against a seamless blend of earth and sky.

Ah, God's masterpieces never cease to take my breath away! To craft such beauty so effortlessly must be a testament to His endless beauty! How I look forward to behold all that He is someday.

And with that feeling in my heart today, I am asking myself a heavy question that blankets my thoughts much the same as the snow blankets the ground around me... "what traditions do I want to pass down to my children?" It is so simple to find comfort in the traditions I have always known: birthdays, Sunday mass, Reveillon (french catholic tradition on Christmas eve) and Christmas itself, etc... The natural instinct is to just keep doing what I have always done. No questions asked.

But therein lies a dilemma.

Traditions are essentially a gift passed down from our parents to us, etc... They are so easy to accept especially when nostalgia leads us away from examining in greater depth with discernment whether or not that "gift" serves ourselves or if it serves God. So many of our childhood memories are wrapped around them like candy wrappers! Not to mention, we trust that what is given us from those whom we love... is good, right?

Nearly four years ago, my husband planted a seed in my mind (and it was NOT well received). He asked me if I knew the origin of the Christmas tradition. In all honesty, I did not, nor did I care. Regardless of where it came from, what mattered was its significance to me and my intentions today. I figured that God knew my heart and if Christmas was a beautiful time of year for me (being generous, thoughtful and family-oriented) than surely this was pleasing to Him.

Not to mention there were so many theories on the origin of Christmas, that rather than tie myself to one of them, I wanted to focus on what it had become for me personally.

But it was enough of a seed that doubt was planted and I began to move away from what felt warm and good into a place of responsibility, whether I wanted it or not. After all, I am responsible for teaching my own children what they in turn will pass down to their children and their children's children. One of those teachings will be to question what even I hand to them as my understanding of truth. As parents, Duane and I want to do our best in teaching them what we believe is asked of us by God but in the end, I pray that our children will learn these things for themselves, challenge it and solidify it beyond mere "tradition" by the truth they will have discovered for themselves. No differently than we can tell them about faith and God, but until they experience Him for themselves, it will remain only words of wisdom.

And perhaps through their own seeking and challenging, they will discover something we have missed. Because where/if we are wrong... WE WANT TO KNOW! If we are wrong, then we want to delve further in our research and understanding so that we can change or grow closer to His truth. I always thought that I welcomed challenge as this was my opportunity to discover if what I believed could stand up to it. And if it couldn't, how then could I stand firm on a belief that could not stand on its own two legs?

Yet here I was four years ago, enraged that Duane would dare to challenge such a feel-good tradition that I believed honoured the birth of our Jesus Christ! I wanted my Christmas tree and decorations... the little hand-made ones that Melina made when she was just little. The tiny porcelain slippers for "Baby's first Christmas" that marked a milestone for Melina and Isabel! I wanted the feel-good gifts under the tree and the delight in my children's eyes when they saw all those beautifully wrapped boxes and the mysteries contained therein.

I wanted... I wanted... I wanted...

And only this year have I gasped at my own reluctance in realizing my motivation had nothing to do with serving God... but rather my own desires. How grotesquely humbling!!! That I dared hide behind the excuse that "God knows my heart and that's what matters" and "that's not what it means to me." Oh dear Father in Heaven... all of these statements revolve around ME!

So I have willingly (and oh so humbly) done a little more delving using the bible as the reference tool. And boy oh boy a whole new world feels revealed! The video that impacted me the most was done by Michael Rood and I invite you (yes, even the reluctant) to view it and leave any feedback that would challenge it or defend it. I want my eyes opened completely, so if you see/hear/know something in this video that does NOT align with scripture or historical facts, PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

Remember that this is our own family's journey and by no means do we hold ourselves up above anyone else. We have been humbled over and over again on this journey which has revealed to us not to be so cocky in our beliefs! Because all too quickly, new facts can emerge that bring us right back to the "drawing board" so-to-speak. Just know that I believe strongly in sharing my own heart with you all, whether we agree or disagree.  To share with you the stirrings in my heart that pull me in different directions... and my goals as a mother to decipher all of this in hopes of handing something down to my children that can make sense to them.

May the Lord bless and keep you this day as your thoughts wander back to the values you have or are instilling in your own children or those around you.  It is a humbling task!!  And I pray you are uplifted in it and may the traditions that come forth from you be beautiful and bring glory to God!  Much love to all of you out there, and God's richest blessings your way!!  Thank you for being witness to my family's journey!