Projectile Projections for Family Vacations (part 2)

The drive back home...

Snacks?  check.  Water bottles?  check.  Charged iPods?  check.  Puke buckets?  check.  GPS?  check.  Ok.. I think we're ready.

Four hours of driving to Fargo and everything went well.  No one got sick, praise be to God!  It was a time-crunch as we were arriving in Fargo for 12:30 so a quick stop at Costco for tasty, cheap lunch, bathroom break, and a quick shop and we'd be heading off again.  

Unfortunately, my husband contested my initial desire to update the maps on GPS prior to leaving for this trip and I had reluctantly abandoned my hope of doing so.  Well, my friends, Costco in Fargo is in a new development and we drove around for thirty minutes asking people at gas stations for help only to get about five or six different directions!!  

At 1:00 pm we finally peel the children out of a loaded (top to bottom) van and make our way into Costco.  Bladders cleared and bellies hungry, we anxiously sit at a picnic table with food for everyone, sing our Thank-You-Yaweh song to bless the food and begin to eat.  Avalyn is sitting between Anika and me and after a few bites of her hot dog, she begins to cough that cough... you moms know what I'm talking about... like something is trying to climb up their throat and it's making them cough.

No.  Please no.

That tiny little frame erupted with so much vomitous mass (yes, I just made up a word... trust me, it's deserved)... and it wouldn't stop coming out!  Onto the table, down the side, dripping onto her pants and floor.  Duane, being the calm person that he is, makes the observation "gee, I see the soup we had two nights ago!"  Duane and I tried with the napkins nearby but the sheer volume of vomit was too much.

In my head, I did not want to run back to the van to attempt digging through the mass of things to access the luggage AT THE BOTTOM.  So in what seemed brilliant at the moment, I said "that's it!  I'm grabbing an outfit right here and we'll hose her down in the bathroom and get her changed!"

I left my husband with four children and a mountain of vomit (yes, I see the folly to my plan now) and head straight to the neatly folded piles of kids' clothing.  I am burrowing through them looking for a size 3T outfit that has a sweater and pants and shirt only to discover that these people either discriminate against this size by not carrying it or every mother who has a 3-year-old daughter decided to simultaneously buy Costco out of this size just prior to our arrival!!  Finally I find ONE and run to the checkout only to be greeted by a very laid back checkout personnel who then takes his sweet time looking the outfit over... this side, inside, the other side, the back side, inside again... eegats, man!  I'm about to consider theft if this takes any longer!!

"Hmmm, this one doesn't appear to have a tag.  Manager!  I need help over here!"

To my dismay, the manager casually walks over only to do the exact same thing!!  "Hmmm, this one doesn't seem to have a tag.  Oh and look, it has a stain right here."  I finally say "FORGET IT!  It's OK... I'll go find another one!"

Back I go to the piles of clothes, flinging them around at this point, I grab a boy's outfit and run back.

I get back to Duane who tells me he watched as the poor manager gagged while mopping up Avalyn's chunky vomit.  And as people were walking past, they would suddenly realize what was going on and they would start gagging, too! 

When we finally got home (we refused to stop anywhere else and drove straight thru the remaining few hours), my mother was patiently waiting.  She had taken care of our puppy, Josie, while we were away.  We walked thru the door exhausted only to have dear Josie jump around so excitedly that she proceeded to pee all over the place.  I hadn't even taken my jacket off and I was already on the floor cleaning up dog pee.

Welcome home, indeed!

Honestly, I’m happy to leave any notion of a “holiday” behind me for a little while… sigh…. or at least until my long-term-memory kicks out again and we forget what these are really like and decide to plan another one.  At least my joy can come from knowing this is at least getting some chuckles out of someone!  I know, I know… I’ll be laughing before too long, too. 

For now, it is home sweet home!

Projectile Projections for Family Vacations (part 1)

I must be an eternal optimist, have no long-term memory or simply not have a terribly high IQ...

Duane and I decided to attempt another trip with the kids.  We kept it simple: few days in Grand Forks then a few days in Minneapolis, indoor water parks, indoor theme parks... life is good, right?  Not only this, but for a week before leaving, the kids all cycled through high fevers and illness.  Good!  Let's get that out of their systems BEFORE the trip!

Well...

Diary - Day 4 of trip - morning

True to form, on this vacation, the kids seem to be taking turns discovering a whole new virus causing them to vomit for 24hrs!  I haven't slept in 3 nights... It began with Avalyn a couple of nights ago who decided to "bless" my just-newly-purchased fancy pyjamas... and every towel we had in the hotel room... sigh.  I've been cooped in a hotel room for days now while Duane tries to take healthy children down water slides in the water park; however, ...

Yesterday, Duane decided to take all four kids (all of whom were feeling fine) all the way up ten flights of stairs to a "family raft ride."  With small children and grill flooring, Duane had to carry our youngest, Avalyn, up ten floors!  The lineups were huge, it seemed to take forever but finally, finally, finally, when they were third in line, Sivana tugged on Duane's shorts and said "my tummy hurts!"  

Duane assessed the situation to see if she could handle waiting and go down the ride or if they needed to manoeuvre their way back down ten floors through the crowd.  Judging by the look on her face, he deciding on the latter.  No sooner had they taken four steps did Sivana throw up!  Duane caught most in his hand, but he watched as some fell through the grid flooring to the people entering the water slide right below... unaware... likely assuming more dripping water from above... oy!

Down, down, down he goes with four children... vomit cupped in his hand while people are gagging and lunging away with disgust as he goes by.  The occasional knowing mother looks at him sympathetically.  Where was I, you're wondering?  This was the one moment I seized to have alone time... argh!!

But wait!

The whole point of the trip was for today, the last day, to be spent at Nickelodeon amusement park.  Sivana appears to be on the mend, but Ethan is complaining of his tummy hurting this morning.  Do we dare venture onto rides and more potential puking on others?  Is it sad that I'm so flippin determined to go that I don't care anymore if we do end up with a public display of tummy upset?  At least I won't have to talk to the poor lady at front desk again (with whom I am now on a first-name-basis)!

Argh!!!!


Diary - Day 4 of trip - end of day

Well, we decided to attempt Nickelodeon Universe at Mall of America.  Duane left after lunch with the little girls (who still weren't feeling great).  This morning, I clarified with hotel front desk about their shuttle to and from the mall of America, where the theme park is.  Their wording threw me off "every forty passed hour"... What the?  Every forty minutes?  Or every X:40?  "And which mall doors do we wait at?"  "East doors right at Sea Life exhibit."  "Right at those doors?"  "Yes ma'am."

I felt safe sending Duane back with the van because I figured Ethan, Anika and I could shuttle back later and bring supper with us.

Ethan wouldn't eat lunch but insisted he was well enough to stay and ride.  He's pretty self-aware so I took him at his word.  We spent four more hours at the park without any glitches and finally decided to pick up supper and make our way towards the East doors to catch our shuttle.  With relatively mild weather and not wanting to spend extra money on huge lockers for big winter jackets, we had decided to wear only sweaters.  Within a couple of minutes of shivering outside, I told the kids to sit along the wall just inside the main East doors where I could see them while I stayed outside trying to keep my eyes open for the shuttle with the hotel name on it.  It was 5:20 pm.

Well with the flux of traffic going through those doors I was twisting my head every direction making sure Ethan and Anika were safe, and trying to watch both directions for a shuttle, fearful of missing it... all with my black hoodie on tight around my face and carrying a big bag.  I either looked like a paranoid psychzophrenic or someone about to make their first drug deal!  Oh you think it's funny, but sure enough, 25 minutes later, cops show up where the kids are sitting...

I yank open the door and ask "is everything ok, officers?"

"Are these your kids?"

"Yes!  I'm trying to keep them warm while I watch for our shuttle."

"We got a couple of calls about abandoned kids.  It's good to see that's not the case.  But shuttles get picked up down by the metro.  You gotta cross the street and head down underground at that sign."

Flip floppin' frick fractor!!!!  (Don't worry, I didn't say that in front of the cops)

The kids and I politely excuse ourselves and race down across the street and head down some escalators to some shady metro station... If the front desk lady meant at forty passed each hour, then my little cop fiasco would have happened right at that time.  I see no "shuttle" signs anywhere and now fear that I missed the shuttle back up on the main floor!  Argh!!

I finally cave, turn on my cellular data willing to incur whatever roaming charges will haunt my next bill and call the hotel to get Duane to pick us up.

Finally back at the hotel, Duane drops us off at the doors and I start heading in with all four kids while Duane goes to park the van.  The little girls fight over who will push the elevator button to get to the 2nd floor for the umpteenth time while we wait for the painfully slow elevator.  I'm chilled to the bone and ready to chew through my arm as we finally get on the elevator only to look over at Ethan...

"Oh no, Buddy!!  Can you hold it til we get to our room?"

(Swallows uncertainly as his face turns more green) "I think so"

Stupid elevator door opens reluctantly slow as I push the two little girls out of my way and make a mad dash for our room door... Ethan on my heels... If I can just open the door, there's tile flooring right inside!  I scramble trying to get the card into the door, yank down on the handle just as vomit ricochets off the door and carpet... So close... and yet so far away.

"Hello front desk?  This is room 209... Again.  I've got another one down!  I repeat... I've got another one down!  I'm so sorry.  He almost made it but I'm afraid he got the hallway carpet just outside our door."  The all-too-familiar voice replies "Wow, it's just going through all those kids, now isn't it?"

I'll laugh about this eventually, I just know it... but in that moment... NO THANKS!

I run back to shuffle the girls inside while Ethan drags his lunch bag through the vomit.  "ETHAN!!  Pick up the bag!!"  Poor guy drops it and runs for the toilet.  

I quickly grab his "covered" shoes and start washing them in the sink when it dawns on me "OH NO!  Quick... Open door before Duane arrives and steps in..."

Door opens and there's Duane standing full blown in Ethan's vomit, a smile on his face unaware of the madness of the past five minutes or the mess under his feet.

"Oh Duane!!  You're standing right in it!!!"

All calm, he looks down at the squishy carpet under his feet and simply asks "oh... Which one?"

"Ethan."

"Cool."

From the bathroom, Ethan yells "it is NOT cool, Dad!!"

Duane heads back out moments later to bring stuff back to van.  Once again, while "momentarily" away, Avalyn decides to fart and I stop what I'm doing when I hear it's odd sound and I say "oh no, Avalyn... Did you just poop in your pants?"

All indignant she stands up and replies "no I didn't!!!"  But as she starts to walk away from me indignantly, I smell something foul, and sure enough, her indignant walk begins to look uncomfortable like something's not right. Sure enough, she turns around surprised and says "Mommy?  My bum is all wet!"

Folks... This has been a puke-filled, sh*t-your-pants kind of a day.  I'm ready to come home and trying not to fear the worst about the trek back home tomorrow!

FLORIDA TRIP PART 5: A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS (Minnepolis to Home… Take 1!)

We had our first flight under our belts with only Anika’s upset stomach as a set back.  We were now making our way to our gate for our last stretch of flight back home. 

It was now 9:15 pm and our flight was scheduled to leave at 10:00 p.m.  Duane still hadn’t eaten (bet he was willing to eat a frozen turkey sandwich now!), Ethan was fit to be tied, was not eating his meals that Duane was now eying up, and it was long past bed time.  Once at our gate, we noticed that it was packed, and we learned that the previous flight had been cancelled.  Great, we had an over-booked plane.  The gate clerks were chiming desperately over the intercom… pleading for five people to forsake their boarding pass… “was anyone willing to skip this flight and be compensated with a $600 voucher PLUS meals PLUS accommodations?” 

Hmmm, 600 times 6 = $3,600.  WOW!!  But are we that brave?

I looked at Duane whose eyes got bigger as it dawned on him that I was entertaining this notion.  “But we’re so close to home!” is what screamed to me from his eyes.  But think about it… we even had Ethan’s extra frozen soups… it COULD be done!  HOWEVER, we had originally booked Thursday flights home because we wanted to come back a day early to ensure there would be no issues picking up Isabel at our scheduled switch time on Friday after school.  This gave us a good fifteen hours of wiggle room should anything go wrong.  So to risk not being back in time was not worth it.  It would not have been fair to James, his fiancée nor to Isabel.

Sigh… farewell beautiful compensating opportunity!

It was now time to board the plane.  The flight was delayed by thirty minutes as they kept trying to get more volunteers to pass up their seats.  By this time, Sivana had been screaming a blood-curdling scream for the last forty minutes and Ethan was beginning to have his own meltdowns.  Sivana also decided to poop yet again (seriously child!) and I had the pleasure of changing her in what appeared to be a tiny linen closet with a toilet!  Hmmm, the humour was quickly beginning to fade.

Finally, two final people volunteered to forsake their seats, and I wondered how much Sivana & Ethan’s screaming aided in that.  Annoyingly, another thirty minutes later, our pilot piped through the intercom announcing that the delay was due to the fact that the last two people who left were circus acts and they had to dig for five large pieces of luggage from the plane.  What are the odds?  Finally we had the green light to take flight!  One more hour, one more hour, one more hour…. We were now scheduled to arrive just past midnight, but at least we would finally be home!

After thirty minutes of screaming & crying, Ethan finally collapsed into sleep on Duane’s lap & Sivana was beginning to settle down in my arms.

And then that feeling.  That blasted instinctive feeling…

Melina (who was sitting next to me) saw the look on my face and said “What??” 

“I cannot shake this feeling that we are NOT going to see our home tonight.”  Hmmm, I hope that feeling doesn’t mean we are going to crash!  Better keep that last thought to myself!!  And so began my prayers asking God to still my anxious heart, to give me deeper faith in Him and His plan and to be with all of us on our journey home.

Pilot piped in again as the plane began to move warning that the weather in Winnipeg was alarming but planes were still able to land and the forecast did not indicate worsening conditions.  Blizzards back home… what a welcome party… I hope our ride can make it to the airport without being in any kind of danger!

After what felt like forever, the plane took off as Sivana finally, finally, exhaustively fell asleep in my arms.  Sigh… this was looking promising.

But that blasted feeling…

The take off was bumpy and shaky (thankfully Anika had nothing left in her to throw up!) but we finally made it up to the sky.  To my horror, I heard some unusual sounds under our seats, not helping my anxiousness.  Sure enough five minutes later, the plane banked hard to the right as the pilot’s now familiar voice chimed in.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news, folks….”

As a mother with five children on board (one of which is my sister’s) can you imagine the many horrific thoughts that can cross your mind in that millisecond after those words are spoken?  I assure you, it is both impressive and terrifying!

“Planes are no longer able to land in Winnipeg, folks, as the winds and turbulence are impassible.  I’m afraid we need to turn around and land back in Minneapolis.”

Oh my goodness, Ethan’s food!  Hopefully it will only be a few hours delay.  Oh why did we pay the blasted $75 to check that luggage instead of taking on the challenge we did coming here?  But we honestly did not think things could be worse than our journey TO Florida.  Apparently I can lack imagination!

As the plane was landing, Ethan woke up suddenly SCREAMING and SCREAMING, “IT HURTS, IT HURTS!  MY EARS ARE BROKEN!!”  He was hysterical and Duane could barely hold him in his arms as he thrashed around.  Out came the water bottles hoping that drinking would help pop his ears from the descent.  He fought and kicked and screamed while Duane was short of restraining him and shoving a water bottle down his throat!  He finally got him to drink and Ethan’s ears must have popped as he stopped thrashing around.

But naturally, all the screaming woke up Sivana who was now chiming in as well.

Once off that plane, we were shuttled to a man at a computer who was to help us rebook our next flight.  When he announced that the soonest flight out for six passengers was on Saturday… TWO days from now… my jaw dropped.

Ethan’s food? 

Our winter jackets are back home and it’s flippin’ winter out there!  We’ll have to pick up jackets!

Our crew is too big for one hotel room… shoot, that’s two hotel rooms times two nights… oh my goodness!!  Oh and all the meals… holy smokes!  This will cost more than the trip to Florida did!!! 

Izzy’s Friday appointment will have to be cancelled… oh shoot, James… he’ll have to keep Izzy another day!  And our supposed ride from the airport??  It’s too late to call him now!  This is disastrous!!!

WHY DIDN’T WE TAKE THAT $3,600 DEAL???

You know those little wooden desktop birds that slowly move downwards then back up again?  Well, for two hours, we watched that not-so-helpful clerk type on his little keyboard much the same way… “we can fly you to Chicago?”

“Um, no!”

And down goes the little wooden bird… type, type, type, type… back up again… “We could get you to Regina?”

“NO, that won’t help us!  What about renting a vehicle?”

And down again to type away only to come back up to say “We can find you a sedan.”

“No, do you see our crew?  We need an eight passenger vehicle.”

“Oh, yes… hmmmm, we can get you a full-sized car?”

“NO… that will not hold 8 passengers, now will it?  Can’t we get a van or suburban??”

“You can’t cross the border in a rental vehicle greater than a car.”

ARGH!!!!!

“Duane, we should try to find out where the Ethan Suitcase is.”

“Yes dear, we’ll all make the long trek out to luggage claim when we figure this out.  For now, let’s stick together.”

As the reality of the situation was sinking in, I sat myself down and started crying.  Yep, plopped down on the chair and let the waters flow from my amply-supplied tear-ducts.  This apparently drew the attention of an airport Swahili worker who approached me with his best of intentions (or so I tell myself).

“Hey, hey… you not need cry!  You are ALIVE.  God has different plan for you!  And hey, you not DEAD!”  At which point he looks down at baby Sivana, our young Ethan and our sleeping Anika and adds, “But even if you DID die… this is BEST time… These little ones will NEVER remember you!!”

SAY WHAT?!

Everyone around us literally stopped what they were doing as I starred at this man whose big bright smile really did make me believe he was convinced he was helping.  Can you really punch someone whose innocence just stabbed you in the heart?  The pressure was on as everyone looked to see what I was about to do given the clear “stability” of my current mental state.  (Please note sarcasm here).

“OH… Okay, Sir… Um, thank you.”

“Yeah, they never know you!  It would be okay!”

“Yes, Sir.  That’s true… thanks for pointing that out.”

The man looked satisfied that I was no longer bawling and went back to his business.  At which point I slowly looked down at each of my precious babies still somewhat stunned and started to wail… albeit, a lot more subtly!!

Did that seriously just happen?? 

We finally spoke with a manager about SOME form of assistance for our newly anticipated MEGA EXPENSES and reluctantly we were given a voucher for two hotel rooms.  Phew… that covers $300!  I have no doubt that had that manager seen what had just unfolded with one of her employees, she would have made the Swahili worker pay for the second night!!

Finally, it was decided that we could get two flights home Friday at 1:30 pm with the rest of us on standby, two more on 5:30 pm flight (with the rest of us on standby) and all six passengers booked for a Saturday flight (as a worst case scenario… because as you can clearly see, our family HAS to plan for these worst case scenarios!). 

By this time, it was passed 1:00 a.m. and Anika was sleeping across two seats with her legs dangling off the end unto a piece of luggage.  Ethan, unsurprisingly, was still awake.

Finally after two hours of pleading, rebooking & being “comforted” by a Swahili airport worker, it was time for us to get our luggage and car seats.  I felt so close to the brink of a breakdown that I dared not speak a word for fear it would result in some kind of assault charges.  I had been anxious about getting to Ethan’s food suitcase so we quickly began the long several-mile trek to luggage claim. 

A little shuttle buggy was driving by and Duane, Anika, Ethan, Melina and Loreena were able to get on.  Unfortunately, Sivana in her stroller , my suitcase,  purse, carry-on and I could not fit on as well so we continued walking… trying not to focus on what felt like another jab from fate as they disappeared around one of many, many corners.  A few seconds later, I heard the sound of another little buggy “beep! Beep!”  Aha!  Perhaps things are not so unfortunate afterall! 

Lo and behold, Mr. Swahili-oh-so-helpful-comment guy is there with his big smile and his own shuttle buggy driving right next to me gesturing for me to “hop in.”

Oh dear me… I think I am about to snap… better just keep walking.  Please Mr. Swahili man, for your own safety, just keep going.

“Hey Lady.. it is very far walk… I give you ride!  Come, I give you and baby ride!”

Oh sure, and maybe you could accidentally drive into a wall, orphan my babies so they’ll never remember me!  ARGH!!!  (Where oh where could I find a good Samaritan / good Christian pill right now?).

I looked down the empty endlessness of the airport where Duane and the others were nowhere to be seen… okay, Swahili guy, but you’d better leave orphaning my children out of anything you have to say!

Thankfully, he did manage to get me to the luggage claim without any majorly unwanted comments and I was reunited with the others.  I had the luggage claim tickets in my pocket and handed them to Duane who was waiting patiently for them.  I took a few deep breaths trying to keep the reins on the floodgate of tears that still felt too close to the surface.  Keep it together, Rita.  For the sake of the kids (and those still in this airport) just keep it together!

Duane returned hesitantly and asked “do you have another ticket in your pocket?”

“What… do… you… mean?”

“Well, um, you only gave me four claim tickets… and we need five.”

My heart begins to beat alarmingly fast as I ask, “Which ticket is missing?”

“The Ethan Suitcase of food is missing.”

My breathing felt funny as I tried to keep it together.  I tried digging through my purse, my pockets, the file folder of impeccable organization (which did NOTHING to serve us in that moment).

How would we feed Ethan?  WHAT would we feed him?  Where is the stub???

I started throwing the file and dumping my entire purse desperately on the floor and finally falling to the floor and crying like a baby.  This was quickly becoming way too much for me!

Anything else, Dear God… anything but the Ethan suitcase… PLEASE!!!

Like an answer to prayer, Duane worked with a clerk and within minutes (to me it felt like forever) they found Ethan’s suitcase.  Loreena came down to the floor where I was, hugged me, and with her ever optimistic heart proclaimed “Hey, Tante Rita, this is still the best vacation ever!”  And now I know where the optimism pills ended up!

With our mountain of luggage, and mild twitch in my walk, we made our way to where shuttling services could be found.  We called our hotel only to have them tell us that their shuttle service ended at midnight.  We were on our own, transportation-wise.

“How much for a shuttle with you guys?”  Thank God Duane still had his wits about him because I was border-line rocking back and forth with a glazed-over look.

“We have six passengers, two car seats, an infant car seat, stroller and all this luggage…”

The lady looked at our crew, the mountain of luggage and said “$86”.

And now it was Duane’s turn to nearly flip out.  Oh this was going so well.  We were fast approaching two scoops of crazy with a side of coo-coo-catchoo!  After he choked, he looked around and saw two men standing by taxi vans just outside the doors.  He ran out and spoke with them, ran back in and said “these Swahili guys could do it for $36 in total.”

No!  No more Swahili guys!!!  (No offense!)

At this point, I had nothing in me to argue… I just wanted to crash somewhere before anyone else dared to speak to me.  Duane, Melina, Anika & Ethan were loaded into one van (the one with the Swahili guy who COULD speak English) while Sivana, Loreena and I were in the van with the Swahili guy who could NOT speak English.

I felt numb despite our guy driving alarmingly fast.  Within ten minutes we arrived at our hotel.  I started to unbuckle Sivana’s carseat when the driver gestured for me to “wait”.  I watched Duane bolt into the lobby and then bolt back gesturing “keep going!”

What do you mean, keep going???

Before I could ask, we were driving like mad 80 miles an hour on a freeway following Duane’s van (who had also taken up driving lessons from Thelma and Louise!) when suddenly our van lurched followed by a ka-thump-ka-thump-ka-thump-ka-thump sound rattling our brains!  Even I knew we had just blown a tire but the driver kept driving… at 80 miles per hour… on a blasted freeway!!! 

Maybe I could open the door and just let myself fall out… then this would all be over… oh who am I kidding?  Knowing my luck, I would survive!!

Finally I yell to the guy “I THINK YOU HAVE A FLAT TIRE!!!”

As a side note… why on earth do we assume that yelling at someone who doesn’t speak our language will somehow magically make him understand?

“FLAT TIRE!!  PULL OVER!!”

Finally the guy pulls into a gas station as we watch the red tail lights of Duane’s van disappear in the distance.  How on earth are we going to fix this?  The driver just sat there, I looked at Loreena… I looked at the dollar signs clocking higher and higher on his meter.

“Um, Sir… can you STOP the clock, please?  STOP the clock?”

“Yeah… yeah… we STOP.”

“No, I know WE are stopped… can you please stop charging me for sitting here??”

“Yeah, yeah… we stop.”

Oh good grief can someone just put me out of my misery??  Ten minutes passed (with the meter ticking the whole time) and another van showed up to pick us up.  I dug through my purse, pulled out a wallet only to realize it was Duane’s.

Are you flippin’ kidding me??

Do not, folks, in any circumstances ever ask yourselves “can things possibly get any worse?”  Because you will ALWAYS get your answer.  And that answer is “YES!!”

I panicked and say to my driver (as though he could understand) “oh my goodness, I have my husband’s wallet.”  At which point the driver of the van who’d just arrived to rescue us said “yes, I know… I was your husband’s driver.  I am here to pick you up… and his wallet!”

My cab driver prints off my receipt and points to the part that says “TIP AMOUNT”.

Yes folks, I burst out laughing.  Not a nice laugh but more of a slight crazed laugh of ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

We unloaded and re-loaded in the freezing cold and ten minutes later, I joined the rest of my family at the hotel and we finally walked into our hotel rooms.  It was now just after 2:00 a.m.  Anika & Ethan collapsed exhaustively into one double bed, Melina & Loreena in another one.  No crib so Sivana slept in her stroller and Duane and I each got our own double bed.

Exhaustion seized us both as we looked at each other much the same as I would imagine one looks over at their comrade in battle after a cease-fire.  It had been an onslaught of relentless misfortune in just four hours but we were now only moments away from much needed sleep!  We were unwilling to think of what tomorrow would bring and surrendered only to the overall blessing that no one was hurt, we had Ethan’s food & meds, and an oh-so-humorous God watching over us!

Where most people would have thought to themselves, “man, after all of this, I am going to need a vacation!” this thought offered anything but relief for me!  When this would be all said and done, we would be wiping "vacations" off the map for a LONG time!

FLORIDA TRIP PART 4: A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS (From Florida to Minneapolis)

(Finally, I am able to dedicate some time to finishing the chronicles of our family vacation back in February...)

Well, after quite the travelling adventures, our Florida trip came to a close Thursday February 17^th.  We spent the morning cleaning the villa, doing laundry, vacuuming, etc..  and trying not to think of the impending potential grueling process of travelling back home!  (Ah, if only I had taken a pill of optimism that day…)

The day was packed (pardon the pun) as I repacked everything: one massive suitcase of Duane’s and my stuff, the kids’ four small suitcases, six carry-ons, and finally… (sound of trumpets)…the Ethan Suitcase containing his precious, precious food).  We still had lots of leftover frozen Ethan-Meals and I debated whether to opt for convenience and ease of travel (chuck the soups) or ere on the side of caution (over-stuff the suitcase and risk potential border issues).  Being the queen of “worst case scenarios” and apparently having taken the pill of pessimism that day instead, you can imagine what I decided on.

While the memory of our, ahem… “adventure” getting here was fading with each day, the desire to make the trip back a little less “adventurous” was at the forefront of my mind.  Hence the humming and hawing about the potential “price” of convenience.

My logic was: do we swallow the $75 charge to check three carry-on suitcases and spare ourselves from dragging all this luggage between flights (especially given the flight is for late evening… will we really need the suitcases?) or do we indulge my pessimism and make overly tired kids drag these things again?  Short of turning to a coin toss for assistance, I finally opted to spare ourselves some heartache and to check three of the little suitcases: Ethan’s suitcase of clothes, Anika’s suitcase of clothes, and the Ethan Suitcase of food.  Let’s hope that doesn’t bite me in the butt!!!  (Sigh… if only I had taken a let’s-think-about-this pill that morning).

The day was long as we wrapped things up around 2:30 p.m., woke kids up from naps (always a bad idea) and made our way to the car rental place before being shuttled to the airport to catch our flight for 6:00 p.m.  Timing-wise, this had the potential of being really good… Ethan would be fed his last meal before boarding and the rest of us could grab a quick bite to eat (did NOT want a repeat of starvation for eight hours as we experienced getting TO Florida!).  I would quickly nurse Sivana, change diapers & do potty breaks.  The potential was there for flawlessness!!  (Oh where is that reality-check pill again?).

Self-check-in was our first roadblock quickly resolved after flagging someone down who puzzled through our six boarding passes for seven passengers with three different last names.  Next was security check... (hold my breath)…surprisingly (and thankfully) no alarms and/or meltdowns there.

After parking ourselves like a travelling circus at our gate, we scrambled to eat in shifts.  But poor Duane was the last to get food.  Amidst our feeding-frenzy scatterings, our flight gate was changed.  Precious time was spent shuffling our travelling circus over to the next gate, which cut into Duane’s “meal” run.  Boarding was imminent so a quick stop at a nearby newsstand with a cooler full of sandwiches was his only option.  To my surprise, he walked back empty handed… “Duane, where’s your food??” 

“The bread was stale and I bit into half-frozen chicken meat… I have rarely had issues eating anything put in front of me but I was NOT going to stomach that $7 sandwich!”

In the meantime, our dear Sivana had decided to poop again.  Once boarded and thirty minutes away from take-off, she filled her pants yet again (keep in mind that this lovely little girl usually only has BMs every other day… but apparently airports scare the “crap” out of her as much as they do me!).  Once in the air, would you believe the little “stinker” pooped AGAIN?  Sheesh… thankfully none required a change of clothes. 

The pilot happily announced we were thirty minutes ahead of schedule.  Well look at that… things really CAN go well when the Vaags crew travels!  Thank the good Lord!  (Could someone throw ANY pill bottle at me at this point, please?).

Sivana, fussed and cried for quite a few bouts of the three hour flight but it was manageable.  I just always feel bad for the people around us whom undoubtedly made note of our crew before boarding and thought to themselves “please don’t let me sit by them… please don’t let me sit by them…” 

Anika was happily looking out her window with Loreena next to her and Melina next to Loreena while Duane sat across the aisle from them with Ethan between us and Sivana on my lap.  As the plane started its descent, I sighed with relief thinking “one flight down… one more to go.”  Before I could get too relieved, the plane started bouncing around like an amusement park ride!  I heard Melina and Loreena shouting for the stewardess (who was restricted to her seat for descent).  I looked over to see Melina’s face and recognized that look of “I’m about to vomit”.  I looked beyond her to Loreena who was calmly cupping something in her hand and finally to my poor Anika who was throwing up all over the plane window which ricochet onto the poor gentleman behind her (who was now covering his nose with his shirt). 

Hmmm, I KNEW things were going too smoothly!

Melina’s familiar gagging sound filled my ears as I calmly reached past the baby on my lap for the diaper bag between my feet while a sea of puke bags got tossed at the girls from surrounding passengers.  I grabbed a handful of wipes as I unsympathetically started chuckling and tossed them at the poor girls who were being bombarded from every direction. 

Given that Anika had peed her pants at Sea World, we learned the hard way to pack a spare pair of panties and pants for her. Thankfully I had these in the diaper bag, but because my more-than-capable imagination did NOT anticipate this one, her shirts were stupidly “checked in” for our supposed “convenience”.  ARGH! 

Once the plane finally landed, Loreena worked diligently to sponge-bath Anika with wipes while passengers rushed passed us off the plane holding their breath!  Melina changed Anika’s vomit-drenched clothes, while I tried stuffing them in my plastic bag without getting it all over myself.  Between Anika’s dirty clothes and Sivana’s plethora of poopy diapers, this would NOT be a fun diaper bag to open when we got home!

Surprisingly, I was able to chuckle at this.  Afterall, one unfortunate event is NOTHING (and I was not the one who got puked on).  This was more than manageable especially given we were now just a small stretch away from home!

After purchasing an expensive T-shirt for Anika from the Minneapolis gift shop, we made our way to our next gate to catch our last swift ninety-minute flight back home… so close I can almost taste it!  (the good Lord knows, I could practically SMELL it!)

Florida Trip Part 3: Natal Attraction

Now before you are left to believe that this trip was a complete write-off, I will spend some of this posting focusing on the fun attractions we got to see.

Within "The Folder" were our e-ticket passes to Sea World and Busch Gardens.  When purchased in combination, there is a significant savings AND you get their length of stay benefits!  This means that you can return as many times as you wish over the course of fourteen days.  Naturally, given the costs, the goal was to spend at least two days at each park.

Not anticipating the extent of our "arriving adventure," I had planned for Friday to be Sea World afternoon day.  This would give us the opportunity to rest and get settled in Friday morning, grocery shop, and start the first steps in making Ethan's food (boil soup bones, roast chickens, make stock, etc...).    I was still high-strung, frustrated that the weather was soooo freezing cold, that our "heated pool" that we paid for was not heated at all (but later rectified) and that Anika was now exhibiting high fevers and a hoarse voice.  Great.

How's this for being a sympathetic mother... when Melina was sick just prior to leaving, do you know what "instinct" showed its ugly face?  Not a mothering one of "oh dear child of mine, lie down and get some rest."  Oh no, it was "for crying out loud!  I did NOT put all this work into this to have it RUINED!  We are going on that trip whether I have to drag you on a gurney or not!"

Yes, loving maternal instincts, I know.  Oh wait, what was that?  The doorbell ringing?  Ah yes, someone at the door (hopefully not CFS) because I think I just received Worst-Mom-Of-The-Year Award... again!

Anyways... this "maternal instinct" reared its ugly face yet again when Anika spiked a high fever and could barely speak that Friday morning.  ARGH!!!  "WE ARE GOING TO SEA WORLD, FEVERS OR NOT!!"

Isn't this fun, kids?

Okay, diaper bag... check.  Diapers for Ethan & Sivana... check.  Change of clothes for Sivana... check.  Hooter Hider & Moby Wrap baby carrier... check.  Hats, sweaters... check.  Ethan's snacks... check.  E-tickets... check.  GPS... check!  Kids layered in long-sleeved shirts & sweaters... check!  Good walking shoes... check!  Alright, folks, we're ready to go!

I cannot believe how HUGE these attractions are... and that's just the parking lots!!!  After our hike to the main doors, we stood in line patiently (is that possible with small children) and finally made our way to the ticket window.  "Ah Ma'am, these are e-ticket passes... you need to go to those gates over there."

DOH!

Thankfully "those gates" had no line ups and after a quick "bag check" (and by quick, I mean a couple of minutes going through diaper bags, small cooler bag for Ethan, and purses), we were through the main gates and in a whole new world... or rather, Sea World!

Where to begin?  The teenage girls made their way to the Manta roller coaster ride while Duane and I perused with the little ones.  Turtles, flamingos, sharks, penguins... on and on we went.  And at every main building, strollers had to be left behind... so much fun... NOT!

With so much to see, the kids were quite happy.  We all met up to see one of several shows hosted by Sea World.  This one was a Cirque-du-Soleil type of show which truly mesmerized the kids (okay, and us adults) but freaked the bejeebers out of Sivana!  Thankfully it was so loud that no one could hear her screams.  I did my best to cover her ears while nursing her in the dark theatre.

Thirty minutes later, the teenagers made another getaway to bigger and better things while Duane and I made our way with the little ones to the kids' play area.  There we would find some kids rides but other than the merry-go-round, our poor Ethan would devastatingly be turned away at all the other rides.  THAT sucked!

Then came time for the Shamu show of killer whales... truly breathtaking!  We all met up for that one and were also mesmerized by the relationship between the trainers and these massive mammals!  When little Baby Shamu came out with his mama and played around her as she performed her tricks, I was surprised at the tears rolling down my cheeks!

Please tell me I am not the only person out there who cried at the Shamu show!  Please?

Melina, of course, honed in on this "cheesy mom" moment and said "Mom?  Are you seriously crying?" and then lovingly whipped up her camera and snapped a picture of me.  Thanks kiddo.  I suppose I deserve it after my lack of sympathy for her health the day before!  Darn that poetic justice!  Short of sobbing like a baby, the show wrapped up and I pulled myself together.  Duane shook his head and muttered something along the lines of "...hormones..."  I let that one slide.  Okay, I was distracted trying to find kleenex in my purse.

As we were walking out, Melina and Loreena were adamant that I try the Manta roller coaster.  I have NEVER been on a roller coaster except for the little dinky one at Tinkertown in Winnipeg which is designed for small children and really only gives you a reason to visit a chiropractor!  I would LOVE to try a roller coaster but am also well aware that just WATCHING my kids on swings can make me nauseous some days!  But the excitement got the better of me and I asked Duane if he felt comfortable staying in the kiddie area with all three kids while Loreena, Melina and I rode the Manta.

It was thirty minutes away from park closing so we ran like the dickens for ten minutes straight (not a good idea when you are overweight and out of shape).  We make it on the ride... I managed a combination of laughing hysterically and screaming like a little girl... got off the ride... continued giggling incessantly while running like mad for another ten minutes back to the kiddie area.  My back hurt but I just figured it was due to the unnatural positions I tried nursing Sivana during the eight hours of travelling the day before and/or due to the roller coaster we just rode.

We got back to the kiddie section and I saw Anika wrapped up like a mummy in the Moby Wrap.  What the heck?

"She peed her pants in the sand box."

Crap... I did NOT pack extra pants and panties for Anika.  Why did I NOT over-think THAT one??

The park was now closed and we began our LONG thirty minute walk (and waddle) to the main gates followed by ten minutes of walking back to our rental vehicle.  Needless to say, we all collapsed when we got home!  We gladly welcomed Sabbath that night and soaked in the "rest" time all of Saturday.

Sunday was scheduled to be a full day at Busch Gardens.  We had to leave at 8:00 a.m. to arrive at park opening for 9:00 a.m.  Yes, an hour drive to Tampa Bay but supposedly it is worth it!  Melina and Loreena were super pumped about the major roller coasters they wanted to ride and despite still feeling exhausted, we hit the hay feeling excited about Sunday's itinerary.

I had a fitful sleep that night... tossing and turning.  I was starting to limp before going to bed and hoped that some rest would help.  By four in the morning, I was in such excruciating pain, I yelped for Duane when I tried moving.  Startled, he woke up and asked what was wrong.  I seriously could not move my left leg!  The pain was shooting so hard I kept yelping unintentionally, got mad at myself because I did not want to wake the kids up, then tried moving again only to yelp some more.  Finally, Duane helped me out of bed and the tears just started pouring!  What had I done??  I would rather go through all four labours again PLUS my c-section before going through that pain!

I knew it was bad when Duane braced himself... I could feel the light getting dimmer as I suddenly felt the need to vomit.  Oh no!  Duane said he watched all the colour drain from my face as I turned every shade of green!  Thankfully I did not throw up nor did I faint but I did sleep the rest of the night propped on the couch yelping any time I would try moving like a dog with Turrets!

Remember the lack of sympathy for my children when they were sick and the unyielding determination to NOT have this trip ruined?  Guess who would end up ruining it in the end??  Oh the irony... the sheer irony of it all.

Sunday morning, the teenagers woke up realizing it was long past our scheduled time of departure for Busch Gardens.  They saw me on the couch, looked at Duane and asked "What's going on?"

"Mom put her back out and can't walk... we're staying home today."

Of course, the over-thinking part of me starts thinking how can we still make the most of this trip with me in a wheelchair... and goodness gracious me, how on EARTH will we manage the travelling back home?  Every time my leg moves, the pain shoots through me like fourth of July fireworks!  But surely this could still turn out okay, right?  Tuesday was scheduled to be "stay home" day so I prayed and hoped that just swapping those two days would give my body the chance to heal!

It was such a long day for me!  A whole day on a couch... yuk!  Duane was stuck with EVERYTHING.  Thanks to the fact that I am lactating, I was at least able to contribute by feeding Sivana.  Thankfully we found the switch to run the hot tub and learned the hard way that it takes two hours to heat it up.  We cranked it that whole day and any time I could, I sat in there with the jets blasting at my lower back.  Another day came and went with absolutely no improvement to my back... great.  Just great.

And then Ethan's little prayer... "God, can you fix mommy's back? (moment of silence as though waiting for an answer)  Okay.  Thanks.  Yep, mommy.  God'll fix your back."  On that precious note, we said goodnight and I spent another night sleeping fitfully on the couch.  The next morning started early as we dropped off the teenagers at our friends' villa at Walt Disney World so they could spend a day at the Hollywood Studios Theme Park.  Duane and I would be returning to Sea World with the little ones for more shows and attractions.  If all would go well...

I was able to stand unassisted and could put some weight on my left leg again... oh thank you, God!  Maybe I could just limp the whole day at Sea World!  Would you believe that by the time we had breakfast, drove to Sea World and walked through those gates, I was walking as though nothing had ever happened???

Unbelievable!!!

This time we were equipped with a change of pants and panties for Anika and ready to face whatever challenges the day dared to throw our way!  Thankfully, it was a PERFECT day and quite frankly, the INCREDIBLE Dolphin Show was worth the price of admission alone!  Truly spectacular.  No, I did not cry this time.  Okay, maybe one tear but that was it!  These mammals are so majestic!  Thank you God for miraculous healing and an a day free of calamities!

The teenagers ended up having a blast and the evening was spent with our friends who chaperoned the girls that day.  The weather was getting better with every passing day.  The villa was beginning to feel like "home"... man, this whole "holiday" thing was really starting to feel good... finally!

The next day was Busch Gardens and the day started off with my excitement to see... ORANGE TREES!!!  Sadly, that was probably what I was looking forward to the most in coming to Florida... I just wanted to see fresh oranges growing on trees and to pick some by hand!  And there they were!  Right along the highway!

"Duane, pull over!  I want to just pick a few!"

"Are you kidding me, hon?"

"What?  There's no 'keep out' sign or anything!  Surely anyone can just pick a few?"

"Hon, people here carry guns... even under their car seat!  They don't need signs cuz they can just SHOOT YOU!"

So we did not pull over to pick oranges and I vowed that I was NOT leaving Florida until we found some fresh oranges to pick, whether that meant getting shot at or not!

Busch Gardens was a huge hit.  You definitely need at least two full days to make the most of seeing everything, if not more! They had a FANTASTIC kids playland themed around Sesame Street.  It far outshines Winnipeg's Tinkertown!  Tree houses, water log rides, mini-roller coaster and Big Bird walking around!  They had a little outdoor theatre where the kids got to watch a live performance of Elmo, Cookie Monster, Grover, Abby Cadaby and Zoe.  So much fun!

Another day come and gone without too many hitches.  Before the end of it, Duane and I asked the teenage girls to watch the three little ones while we ran to ride ONE roller coaster together.  This one in particular climbs 200 feet up and drops you straight down at 90 degrees for those 200 feet!  Not once, but twice.  Duane and I ran and stood in line.  Thankfully the line up was not too bad.  As we got closer, the crazy giggles started kicking in.  Finally, we were the next ones to board the coaster when suddenly, the gates shut and the riders who just came back from their thrill ride are not being let off...

A crew member was talking on his cell phone and before we knew it, some maintenance guy shows up.  Duane and I looked at each other like "this doesn't look good!"  The poor people were finally let off and the technician was working on one of the seats.  I am beginning to question whether I want to go on this ride at all anymore... but the fact that we are the NEXT ones keeps me standing there.  Finally, Duane convinced me to walk away... "But Duane, guaranteed the minute we're back down those stairs, they're gonna let people on again!  I just know it!"

We left anyways and sure enough... sigh.

When we got back home, the weather was just so beautiful we decided to go for a family walk and explore the whole area.  I jokingly starting clicking my tongue saying I was using sonar to detect the nearest orange tree.  Anytime we needed to make a turn, I would use this "sonar" and say "... this way!"

Well, I was just trying to be funny... but would you believe I led our crew out to a field and there at the end of this field were a couple of straggler orange trees, overgrown and all alone, with... wait for it... FRESH ORANGES???

We filled the bottom of Sivana's stroller and enjoyed fresh-squeezed orange juice for the next two days!  Oh it was sooooooooooo good!  You know, this whole holiday stuff was turning out to be FANTASTIC!  I was even beginning to forget the ordeal of getting there and looking forward to doing this again someday much the same as I seem to forget labour and the last few months of pregnancy and tell myself "we could do this again!"

Oh selective memory is grand, isn't it?

That night at bath time, the kids were exhausted from a full day away from the villa.  Poor Ethan cannot seem to poop if we are away from "home" and his discomfort was prevalent in the form of flatulence!  In the tub, this was apparently quite hilarious for Anika and Ethan.  Duane slipped out to turn the hot tub on while I was on the phone... the sound of the kids laughing hysterically in their bath... when suddenly there came a blood curdling scream from the bathroom.  Our prim and proper Anika yells "DADDY!!!  ESSAN POOPED!!!" followed by continued screams and cries "GET IT OUT!!!"

The teenagers run in, not to rescue the kids, but to assess the "comical" scene and run out of the bathroom laughing hysterically.  Duane and I try not to do the same as we watch Anika and Ethan cowering in the corner of the tub with a very "messy" scene quickly making its way to their huddled corner!

I take the kids out while Duane uses a yogurt container to scoop Ethan's daily "backup" into the toilet.  We have been trying to warm Ethan up to the idea of toilet training to no avail but somehow, watching daddy put his poop IN the toilet had him rather intrigued.  Duane explained to him "Ethan, poop goes in the toilet... not the bathtub, okay?"

"Okay, Daddy."

The next day, we finally enjoyed a family swim in the pool.  When it was time to get out, we stripped Ethan and Anika down to their bare bums while Duane and I quickly got dressed in our own room.  We were discussing the next day's plans when Duane suddenly remembered "Ethan is bare bum!"  He ran out to get a diaper on him, laid him down and noticed a bit of poop on his bum (yes... we speak far too much of poop in our home... but with three kids in diapers, it just seems to be everywhere!).

Somewhat panicked (yes, even for Duane), he asked, "Ethan.... did you do a poop?"

"Yep."

"Ethan.... WHERE did you poop??"  (I am thinking to myself... where on earth do I start looking?)

"In the toilet!"

"No, Ethan, WHERE did YOU poop?"

"IN THE TOILET!"

"Ethan, can you show daddy WHERE you pooped?"

Sure enough, Ethan led Duane to the toilet where a few remnants of toilet paper remained.  Could it be??  For real?  Oh dear Lord, let it be so!  After a thorough search of the villa, it would appear that our big boy climbed up on the toilet and pooped!!!  (A skill that has NOT been repeated since!).

So finally after a tumultuous journey to Florida and a few initial glitches, it would be safe to conclude that our time there would indeed be quite wonderful.  Lots of laughs, lots of crying (parents included... okay, ME included), a bit of shopping, TONS of walking, orange-picking, hot-tub-soaking and other great moments that have now seared themselves into the pages of my life book.  A book whose very existence would be threatened by the journey of trying to come back home!!!

Oh dear God almighty... buckle up because things are about to get bumpy!

Florida Trip Part 2: Planes, Trams & Automobiles

Simply trying to GET to Florida proved to me more daunting a task than even my imagination was able to anticipate!  Melina's fever was in high gear and one of my counted on "helping hands" was rendered useless!

Once arrived at the airport, a huge trolly was loaded much as one would see in a cartoon where the height could rival a small apartment building!  Duane's skills in this department are rather impressive although the mothering instincts in me shook its head as I imagined those around us in line to check-in being buried by the sudden tumbling of this teetering mount everest of luggage!  Had I not been so caught up with getting all seven passports and e-tickets ready, (and telling Melina & Loreena to keep the kids away from our luggage tower) I would have likely snapped a picture!

Instead, we stuffed all winter jackets and boots into a huge bag and watched Pepere (my dad) walk back to the suburban to keep them there until our friend would pick us up the following week... the only thing missing was the red suit and a jolly Ho-Ho-Ho and one would think he was carrying a huge magical bag filled with goodies!

The over-thinking part of me questioned if leaving our warm jackets behind was wise but I could not imagine how we could lug all this luggage AND jackets & boots, to boot!

The check-in line was more than manageable and before we knew it, we were standing before our "ticket guy" who did his best to piece together six people plus an infant, three different last names, connection boarding passes, etc...  Finally came printing the boarding passes and receipts which ended up jamming their printer.  I apologized profusely as I was convinced it was the size of our travelling crew that caused the problem!  The toddlers were good during this long process and even Sivana had smiles in her car seat / stroller duo.  Fifteen minutes, thirty minutes, forty-five minutes... the little ones are now trying to climb our mount everest of luggage and that honing device I mentioned about the "Ethan suitcase" quickly put an end to that.

How much longer is this going to take???  It is now 12:30 and the kids' low blood blood sugar is beginning to kick in.  This is the phase where we refer to our children as hypo-glycemic demon babies!  I cave and turn on Dora on my iPod only to have our guy finish fixing the printer & give us our twelve boarding passes (for connection flights, as well), receipts, and baggage claim tickets.  Off we go with our caravan towards customs where all electronic devices need to be turned off...

Have you ever turned off a kids' show not even three minutes into it?  Have you ever made this dangerous attempt when your children have not eaten lunch yet and are fast approaching missing their nap time, too?  Beware the resulting wrath and impending doom!

Cue the meltdown and Ethan's blood curdling screams... sigh.

The one advantage to this is the impressive collective effort from the customs staff to corral us through very quickly!  The stern elderly man in uniform with the serious countenance who was stamping our passports finally cracked a small smile at Duane and my attempt to keep the chaos at a minimum... he looked at me, leaned in and said "my wife raised our six children... I found it far easier to be in combat than to be at home!  Good luck with your travels!"

Gulp!

Okay, passed customs without issues and now to security... Dear God almighty, do not let them confiscate any of Ethan's food!

We had to bid adieu to our handy luggage trolly and its impressive balancing act and put our carry-on suitcase boot camp training to the test.  Apparently we needed to work on sharp corners...

After the few tumblings of Ethan's suitcase and resulting angry screams (from Ethan, not from me!), we were once again taken through a "special" line where we all scrambled to remove shoes, watches, hair clips, belts, sweaters, took out electronics (which I kept in my designated carry on suitcase) and finally... placed the Ethan suitcase on the scanning table....

I'm sure that my breaking into a sweat was a red flag for these officers... and that conviction was not helping my breaking into a sweat!!  Then it was walking through the metal detector.  Me first, then it was trying to convince Ethan to walk through this daunting device towards a mom whose look on her face was not reassuring... nor the sweat dripping off her forehead!  "Come on, Ethan, walk right through the middle!  Come to mommy!"  (Nervous laugh).

Did I already mention he was in a "fine mood" at this point?  (Twitch, twitch)

Finally, after much coaxing, he ran through that thing like he half expected it to blow up.  One kid down, several more to go.  Anika was pretty good... then Duane and the baby, Loreena and finally Melina, who looked so sick at this point, I was sure they were about to turn us away for fear of H1N1 or something.  No alarms... yet.  I look over to the staff scanning our luggage and they are stuck on my suitcase with the cameras, baby monitors, GPS device, batteries, video camera, etc... where is Ethan's luggage??  Still has to be scanned!  Gulp!

I have GOT to quit sweating like this!  Duane as always is calm, cool and collected... darn it, why can't I be more like him?!  Act normal, Rita.. just act normal... crap, my normal can come across as kinda scary... okay, DON'T act normal, Rita... DON'T act normal... ARGH, I'm making this worse!

The electronics finally go through... phew.  Here comes Ethan's suitcase...

"Um, ma'am, can you please open this suitcase and remove all the liquids."

"Oh, sure!!"  Why is my voice shaky and why did it just go up two octaves??  Snap out of it, Rita!  Everything will be just fine!!!

"I have apple sauce here... oh and frozen soups here... I was hoping that because they were frozen, I could keep them in containers greater than the recommended 125 mls... (nervous laugh)... I have letters... oh, the epipen... crap, I'm not making sense am I.... (nervous laugh... oh Dear Lord, I am going to get arrested!)... here's his apple juice but I was hoping that because it's unopened, this would be okay... but I also packed smaller ones in case this was an issue... is this an issue?  (Nervous laugh)  This is his meal supplement powder... did I mention his allergies?  Look, this is his "special bracelet"... (shut up, Rita, shut up)... Is powder an issue?  The rest should be dried goods.... are we good?"

Holy smokes, is it just me or is it flippin' 200 degrees in here???  I had better not be getting whatever Mina has!

Would you believe his suitcase went through without a hitch?  Nearly gave myself an ulcer... for nothing!  And there was my darling husband looking at me with that "See, I TOLD you.  When will you just relax?"

Took a deep breath and headed towards our gate.  Oh dear, escalators... how on earth do we tackle that with all this luggage, two young kids dragging their suitcases, a stroller and an infant??  Considering I wanted to get far away from security as quickly as possible, Duane and Ethan took the elevator and the stroller while I picked up Anika and two suitcases up the escalator!  Almost at the gate... almost there!

It was horribly crowded with no sitting room and I had to find a way to nurse Sivana, feed the little ones and grab a bite to eat, too.

Is it too late to turn around and go home??

Sent Melina and Loreena to buy us sandwiches and drinks... I nursed Sivana while Duane took out Ethan's soup and started feeding him a few bites.  The kids came back and I nearly choked as they said these small sandwiches all cost us nearly fifty dollars!!  Whatever!  "Okay, big girls, chow down your sandwiches, help Anika eat hers..."  "Oh, you didn't mention buying one for Anika."  ARGH!!  "Okay, feed her half of mine."

Five minutes later, the announcer says they are now boarding the elderly and those with small children.  CRAP!  Half a nursing for Sivana, no lunch for me, Ethan had only a few mouthfuls... toss everything in a bag and let's GO, GO, GO people!

Our plane was so small that we had to gate check our carry-on suitcases... yes, even the Ethan-Suitcase... After hyperventialating only momentarily, I eyeballed the people who were now responsible for my son's food for the week... just in case.  Attempting to move down the aisle carrying an infant and carry on bags was down right comical at this point and we could barely fit our carry on bags at our feet!  Oh this is going to be a fun hour and a half!  Duane and Ethan in two seats, Loreena and Melina in the two seats in front, and Anika and I (with Sivana on my lap) across the aisle from Duane & Ethan.  Anika pulls out the safety pamphlet to look at and says in a cheery voice, "look, mom, this plane has fire on it... and this one is in the water!... I love blue."

Great.  If I wasn't paranoid about the plane crashing to begin with, this was NOT helping!

The Stewardess comes by and says "Ma'am, are you familiar with the safe way of holding your infant during lift off and landing?"

"Aside from just holding her on my lap?"

"Yes Ma'am, you need to cradle her across your chest to best brace her neck and spine."

Gulp.  "Oh, thank you... I did not know that."

Why is everything 200 degrees around here???  Crap, did I remember deodorant??  Will that matter if the plane crashes??  ARGH!!

"Isn't this fun, mom?"

"Yes, Anika, this is quite the adventure, isn't it?"  I think I am about to faint.  I look over to Duane for that reassuring calmness I can always count on and instead see a look of "I didn't mean to... I'm sorry!"

"What's wrong??"

"I THOUGHT I put the lid on his soup back on properly..."

"Oh please tell me you are joking... please?"

Before the plane had even taken off, we lost Ethan's first meal for the day.  Not only did we lose the soup, everything in his carry-on cooler was now buried in soup.  "And I can't find his spoon."  Thankfully I anticipated these things in my over-thinking process and had a few extra meals (and utensils) which I thought were cleverly placed in side pouches of the portable cooler but apparently were not there.  At least there were tons of napkins.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are preparing for take-off, please take your seats and remain seated until further notice."

Sniff, sniff... I think Sivana pooped.  Oh good grief.

"Mommy, I am really, really, really hungry... and if I don't eat, I am going to die."

"Anika, your body would have to go without food for about seven days before it would die... you're good.  I'll feed you some of mommy's sandwich when we are up, up, up in the sky, okay?"

"But moooooom!  I'm hungry NOW!"  Cue crying Sivana... look over to see Duane trying to dig around in the soup-filled bag to find Ethan's needed utensils... what have I done?  Why did we think this was a good idea?  We have seven hours of travelling still to go!

Finally the plane takes off and we are up in the air... still alive... no one left behind.  I shove my sandwich into Anika's mouth as I try to nurse Sivana behind my handy-dandy hooter-hider.  This proves unsuccessful as I bang her head on the metal arm rest after she pushed off the other one with her feet.  Cue screaming baby... again. Ah screw trying to conceal everything!  I need to see my baby and nearby metal objects!  Goodbye humility and hopefully no one turns around in their seat or they will get to know way more about me than they bargained for!  And at this point, I really don't care!

Mental numbness was beginning to kick in as the stewardess rolls her little trolly down the aisle handing out a) pretzels, a nemesis of mine; b) cookies, and c) PEANUTS.  Please, God, keep Ethan safe from any flying peanuts!

Before we know it, we have landed in Minneapolis and it is time to truly put my organizational skills and training to the test.  Well, we collected all gate-checked luggage, loaded them with the carry-on bags, everyone grabbed their designated bag, Sivana was loaded in her infant car seat which snapped into her stroller (so smart) and off we went!  We had little time to get from one end of this massive airport to the other and it would require several elevators, trams and escalator-type moving floors.

Oh goodie.

First the glass elevator... We barely fit in it and Ethan was hesitant stepping over the crack between the floor and the door.  Once we were finally crammed in, we pushed the button for the lower level... and waited.  And waited.  "Mina, push it again."  The door shuts.  Oh phew.  We don't move.

"Maybe we weigh too much?  Mina push the button harder!"

The door reopens... not helpful.  Finally it shuts and goes down to the lower level, does NOT open the door and then takes us back to the floor we had just come from!  What the heck???  Is this thing broken? We see a stewardess and I yell out "Do you know how to work this elevator??"

Great, mother of five who cannot work an elevator... do I even want to know what her thoughts are right now?

Finally, Melina points out... "Ah you guys... we ARE on the 1st floor!  We needed to push the button for the basement!"

"Ah never mind... (nervous laugh)... we figured it out."  All thought of homeschooling going out the window right now given this mother cannot even figure out what floor we are on!

Off the elevator and off to the moving floors.  Ethan again is hesitant in stepping onto it, I nearly fall backwards with the stroller failing to anticipate the physics of how quickly one can lose their balance stepping onto a moving floor, and Anika has dropped her suitcase in a pouting attempt to protest any further lugging around.  By the time we reached the third "moving floor," we had it down to an art!

Next was the tram.  This could potentially be pretty cool for the kids!  Finally!  We step onto this thing and I notice a few poles.  The tram begins to move and I finally understand WHY the poles are there!  After I do a crazy dance trying to keep from falling over, I lock Sivana's stroller wheels in place and commend the other kids for having half a brain to figure out holding on would be a good idea.  Even Ethan had been holding on... sigh.

We walk past wonderful smells of food, realize we still have not eaten, but arrive at our gate just in time to begin boarding... a much larger plane!  Three seats on each side!   Duane, Loreena & Ethan in one row, Anika & I (Sivana once again on my lap) in front with a mystery person scheduled to sit at the window and Melina stranded at a window seat with strangers a couple of rows down.  Hmmm, maybe whoever sits at our window seat will be willing to trade with Mina!

After we held up the plane trying to place our suitcases & bags in compartments above our heads (and those of our neighbours), we took our seats.  Anika is once again fascinated by the safety pamphlet and its lovely colours of red and yellow where the plane is on fire.  "Mommy, I really want to sit with Loreena!!"  Duane and I make a child swap and Ethan is now sitting beside me.  A woman approaches where we are sitting and looks at the window seat... aha!  Before she sticks her luggage above us (assuming there is any room) I say "Ma'am, would you be at all willing to trade window seats with my teenage daughter just two rows over?"

She looks at me, Sivana and then Ethan (if that's not encouragement for someone to change seats, I don't know WHAT is) and looks at me rather annoyed.   She sighs heavily and says "well, my husband is sitting right in front of me... so no."

Seriously?  Wow.  Okay... remember to love unconditionally, Rita.  God breathed His precious breath of life into her and that makes her on this planet with a purpose.  She is your sister in Christ.

Then she sits next to Ethan, looks at him with slight annoyance and says "Won't this be fun."  At which point, Ethan glares at her suspiciously, puts his head down on my arm and the woman adds "... or NOT."

Wow, you are a peach, Lady!  Suddenly all concerns of Sivana crying or of Ethan squirming and kicking those sitting next to him went out the window.

Before we know it, we are in the sky once more.  Ethan is now crying to sit beside Loreena and Anika is  nearly fit to be tied.  Finally, Loreena and I trade spots and I am now sitting beside Anika & Duane.  Anika starts wailing that she wants to sit beside Loreena and for the sake of other people's ears on the plane (minus lovely anti-seat-trading-lady now sitting in front of me), we plunked Anika next to Loreena, gave her an electronic device to play on, plunked our now upset Ethan between Duane and I and started playing an episode of Dora the Explorer on the iPod.  All was finally peaceful.

With the plane being as large as it is, a beverage & snack trolly was coming towards us from the front and one was coming towards us from the back.  Out of nowhere, Ethan suddenly panics, stands up on Duane's lap and yells "My BUM is hurting!  My BUM is hurting!!  Daddy it hurts!"

What on earth?  This has never happened before!  As Duane looks at me not knowing what the problem is, his eyes go big as Ethan unleashes the biggest poop imaginable!  Thankfully, his poops are not usually that stinky... usually... but before we know it, a blast of indescribable stench fills my nostrils causing me to throw my head back to get away!  Now what?  The trollies are closing in, we have no way of escaping and I DARE NOT try to change his diaper on the seat here and unleash the full extend of that stench!

And then an unchristian moment... oh I hope Anti-Seat Lady is regretting her decision right now.

Sivana has now pooped (again) and thankfully I can whip a new diaper on her while lying on my lap in record time!  But as the stewardess comes closer to our seats, she also throws her head back and that fake smile turns into a sour mouth as she waves her hands in front of her nose... yes, it was that bad.

I cannot help but burst out laughing (it's either that or cry at this point) and say "I know!  We're so sorry!  We're just waiting for the trollies to get out of the way so that we can change his diaper."

Before you know it, a few shouts later and they have wheeled that second trolly out of the way to make room for Duane to walk down most of the plane carrying Ethan and the chemical warfare that is his diaper!  No one on that plane went without knowing the wrath of stench contained therein!

So we have covered the planes and the trams... how do automobiles fit into this?

When we FINALLY arrived in Florida, it was 8:30 p.m. local time with all of us having only eaten parts of sandwiches.  We made our way to baggage claim (which took an additional twenty to thirty minutes) as we would not be able to pick up our rental vehicle without the kids' car seats.  We stationed our crew in a corner, Duane parked himself near the mile-long moving track while I tried to feed Ethan his chicken nuggets, fries and veggies.  Melina was nearly passed out on the floor but our ever optimistic Loreena was running around with Anika.

An hour came and went as we watched helplessly while everyone found their luggage and kept on with their day.  We were the last ones there before Duane finally asked someone "where on earth is our luggage?"

Folks, we had been standing at the wrong baggage claim.

Okay, now things are really starting to NOT be funny anymore.  Really.  By the time we walk to the other baggage claim area, it is empty of people.  Thankfully Duane spotted our luggage and car seats.  We changed diapers and had potty breaks while Duane re-created our teetering tower of luggage on a $4 trolly.  Now to find our rental vehicle...

At this point, I was not much fun and that unconditional love for strangers had been spent on Lady-Lovely on the previous plane ride and it looked like we had another mile-long area to cover a plethora of rental companies.  So when this man approached us to "help" us, I was ready to just keep right on walking!  But I did yell back "just looking for our rental van!"

"Which rental company?"

"Payless."

"Oh, they are not located at the airport."

I stop dead in my tracks... "What?"

"You'll have to go to the lower level and catch a shuttle bus outside."

Are you flippin' kidding me?  When I booked this rental, I had requested ON SITE for airport vehicle rental services!!  How are we supposed to lug all of this stuff onto a shuttle bus??  We start walking to the nearest elevator... "not in service".... move the army to the next elevator... "not in service"... okay, C'MON!  Finally we find an elevator that works, walk out the doors to discover it is near record-breaking cold for Florida!  Yep, about four degrees celcius and my kids are only in T-shirts and sweaters... great.  Not only that, but we realize that the shuttle bus we needed was pulling out of its station!  I wave frantically while trying to push the stroller only to watch the bus drive away...

It is now 10:30 pm and I am ready to bite someone's head off.  We waited about thirty minutes before another one showed up.  The kids were exhausted, I was fuming, we were all starving and I did NOT have a map from the rental company to our villa because I had printed a map from the airport instead!

We got to the rental company and I stood guard around the mountain of luggage on the curb in a freezing frenzy while the teenagers and the little ones went inside to watch the movie playing in the waiting area and to keep warm.  I handed Duane the necessary paperwork and was looking forward to calling it a day before too much longer!

Ten minutes, twenty minutes, thirty minutes... nearly forty-five minutes later, Duane finally comes out with a set of keys!  "What on EARTH took so long??  I think I just lost a toe to frostbite!"

"Forget about it, let's just get to the house."

After installing car seats, loading up the van with luggage and trying to figure out our GPS device (as this was our first time using it), we were FINALLY on our way to our home away from home.  "Duane, we need to eat something!  I know it's nearly midnight, but I am starving."  We order from McDonalds (you KNOW we are hungry when we are willing to eat McDonalds!) and continue on our way.  We reach what they call a "Toll Bridge" or something like that and discover we need to pay $0.75.  Duane hands the guy a canadian looney and the guy says "I cannot accept this."

Duane (whose patience is now running out as well... did not think this was possible) says "buddy, it's worth more than your U.S. coins right now!"

"Sorry sir, I cannot accept this."

For crying out loud!  Hopefully this kid can break a $50 bill because we did not bring any loose U.S. change!  Bless Loreena's heart, she happened to have a $1 bill!

Please, can we just get "home"?

And so we finally did!  It was freezing cold as we could not figure out how to set the thermostat (this was definitely the vacation of "feeling dumb") and poor Anika was shaking like a leaf.  This would later turn into high fevers, but that will be covered in Part 3.

So there you have it, folks... the journey towards our "vacation" which rendered us numb, starving, grumpy and freezing cold... and with an impending vow that we would never do something this stupid again!  Let's hope the rest of the week makes all of this "worth it"!