Flippin' frustrating!

You guessed it... I am 37 weeks pregnant, officially full term, and the baby is still breeched (or at least that's what the professionals are guessing from outside palpitations).  I am being sent for a fetal assessment on Friday at 11:00 a.m. for further assessment and to discuss a course of action.

A course of action... Here are the options:

a) If baby is still breeched on Friday, the obstetrician on hand is one who is willing to attempt a Version (manually pushing on the baby to manipulate it into a head down position).  This is done in the Operating Room with ultrasound monitoring to assess the baby's well-being and to ensure that the flipping around does not cause any obstruction to the umbilical cord.  If so, an emergency C-section is performed.

b) If baby is still breeched on Friday, we can opt NOT to attempt the Version.  This means waiting until true labour kicks in where they would do a quick ultrasound to see WHAT position the baby is in.  There are three breeched positions and only one of them can be successfully delivered naturally.  If the baby is in the successfully breeched position, we head off to the OR and attempt a natural delivery ready for an emergency C-section, if needed.  The risk is to make sure the baby's chin does not get stuck in the birth canal while pushing... that the baby does not try to take his/her first breath in the birth canal, and that the umbilical cord is not prolapsed (caught somewhere in the feet).  If baby is in either of the other two breeched position, it is an automatic C-section.

c) If baby remains breeched, we can simply go straight to a scheduled C-section.

There are so many fears juggling around in my head and so many to surrender.  And one of them that I must face is the fact that the only obstetrician on hand immediately is the same one who handled my emergency c-section with Isabel.  While some would find comfort in the history connection, I have the most traumatizing time in my life associated with him.  He is extremely well-respected but I was left with uterine lining in my seal which meant excruciating endometriosis pain for several years before they discovered that's what it was.  Then he was the one to re-open me and remove it.  My only physical traumas in my life are associated with this well-respected obstetrician... is God calling me to finally heal and get over it?  Or is it a big slap in the face?

And then there is the whole dream just before I got pregnant with this one...

I know I've mentioned it before.  And at the end of the day, it's just a dream, but I've had enough of these "dreams" to know when there is a message in it, whether I comprehend it, interpret it correctly or not.  In this dream, an angel had appeared to me and said "You are about to conceive a child.  It will be a little boy.  But I will be back for you when you deliver him."  In my dream, I was sad but peaceful and surrendered to God's will.  For the nine months, I made the most of my time and cherished the life I had.  When I delivered in my dream, it was a natural delivery... or at least I recall holding my son in my arms but saw the angel waiting at the corner of the room.  Only then did I turn to Duane with tears flowing in my eyes to say "I have to go now.  But I love you with all of my heart and will ask God to watch over all of you."

When I woke from that dream, I was crying and woke Duane up.  I told him about it and he shrugged it off (as one can only do when one's wife has strange dreams on a regular basis) but something did not sit well with me.  Without our realizing it, our Little One would be conceived within 24 hrs of that dream...

So is it a boy?  Or is it a girl?  I have refused to find out in faith that God had revealed to me that this was our second son.  Have I been wrong in my interpretations before?  You bet!  I remember when I spent two years before my sixteenth birthday convinced I'd received the message that I would die right before I turned sixteen!  So much so that I wrote goodbye letters!  Three months before my sixteenth birthday, I discovered I was with child... the death I had interpreted did not end up being one in body, but one of my life as I had known it... a death of my childhood.  As it turns out, with all "deaths" so-to-speak comes new life.  And so it did!

What of this message of death?  Does it mean a new beginning?  Does it mean an ending to our lives as we know it right now?  Does it mean nothing at all?  Does it help when your three year old says to you "I think this baby is going to die."  Oh golly gee... where does one go with that one??

"Well, death is real and possible for all of us at any time.  But let's ask God to keep this Baby safe in His hands, ok?"

So here I am questioning the depth of my faith, the depth of my surrender and willingness to trust Him completely.  I come to this place so many times, it seems.  It's a hazy place and one of great weakness for me.  How easy it is to "cover my bases" thinking I can outsmart God's will and bend it to my desire.  But He has always known best even if it has not been made obvious to me for many years later.

I know He must love me.  I love Him with all that I am!  I don't understand this moment in my life but surely as He loves me, He is keeping me and this baby safe?  And if not, surely there is purpose even in that?

So everything could change this Friday, or nothing could change at all.  We could risk holding out hoping this baby will flip of its own accord, or hope that a natural breech delivery is possible.  At this stage, I am being signed off by my midwives into the care of qualified obstetricians as I am once again labelled "high risk".  A place that leaves me wondering where this delicate state will leave our family.  I am eager to know its outcome and afraid to face it at the same time.

Let us see where my faith will lead me, what the Lord has in store for my life and for this Little One whose entire being is wrapped around an enigma... puzzling anyone who has had to work with him/her! Whose soul I am madly in love with and connected to beyond my womb.  And whose precious little life reaches deep within me beyond my wildest dreams.

Keep Little One in your prayers... and may my own switch from asking the Lord to "hear my prayers" to "Lord, let me hear YOU."  May the Lord be with you all!