FLORIDA TRIP PART 4: A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS (From Florida to Minneapolis)

(Finally, I am able to dedicate some time to finishing the chronicles of our family vacation back in February...)

Well, after quite the travelling adventures, our Florida trip came to a close Thursday February 17^th.  We spent the morning cleaning the villa, doing laundry, vacuuming, etc..  and trying not to think of the impending potential grueling process of travelling back home!  (Ah, if only I had taken a pill of optimism that day…)

The day was packed (pardon the pun) as I repacked everything: one massive suitcase of Duane’s and my stuff, the kids’ four small suitcases, six carry-ons, and finally… (sound of trumpets)…the Ethan Suitcase containing his precious, precious food).  We still had lots of leftover frozen Ethan-Meals and I debated whether to opt for convenience and ease of travel (chuck the soups) or ere on the side of caution (over-stuff the suitcase and risk potential border issues).  Being the queen of “worst case scenarios” and apparently having taken the pill of pessimism that day instead, you can imagine what I decided on.

While the memory of our, ahem… “adventure” getting here was fading with each day, the desire to make the trip back a little less “adventurous” was at the forefront of my mind.  Hence the humming and hawing about the potential “price” of convenience.

My logic was: do we swallow the $75 charge to check three carry-on suitcases and spare ourselves from dragging all this luggage between flights (especially given the flight is for late evening… will we really need the suitcases?) or do we indulge my pessimism and make overly tired kids drag these things again?  Short of turning to a coin toss for assistance, I finally opted to spare ourselves some heartache and to check three of the little suitcases: Ethan’s suitcase of clothes, Anika’s suitcase of clothes, and the Ethan Suitcase of food.  Let’s hope that doesn’t bite me in the butt!!!  (Sigh… if only I had taken a let’s-think-about-this pill that morning).

The day was long as we wrapped things up around 2:30 p.m., woke kids up from naps (always a bad idea) and made our way to the car rental place before being shuttled to the airport to catch our flight for 6:00 p.m.  Timing-wise, this had the potential of being really good… Ethan would be fed his last meal before boarding and the rest of us could grab a quick bite to eat (did NOT want a repeat of starvation for eight hours as we experienced getting TO Florida!).  I would quickly nurse Sivana, change diapers & do potty breaks.  The potential was there for flawlessness!!  (Oh where is that reality-check pill again?).

Self-check-in was our first roadblock quickly resolved after flagging someone down who puzzled through our six boarding passes for seven passengers with three different last names.  Next was security check... (hold my breath)…surprisingly (and thankfully) no alarms and/or meltdowns there.

After parking ourselves like a travelling circus at our gate, we scrambled to eat in shifts.  But poor Duane was the last to get food.  Amidst our feeding-frenzy scatterings, our flight gate was changed.  Precious time was spent shuffling our travelling circus over to the next gate, which cut into Duane’s “meal” run.  Boarding was imminent so a quick stop at a nearby newsstand with a cooler full of sandwiches was his only option.  To my surprise, he walked back empty handed… “Duane, where’s your food??” 

“The bread was stale and I bit into half-frozen chicken meat… I have rarely had issues eating anything put in front of me but I was NOT going to stomach that $7 sandwich!”

In the meantime, our dear Sivana had decided to poop again.  Once boarded and thirty minutes away from take-off, she filled her pants yet again (keep in mind that this lovely little girl usually only has BMs every other day… but apparently airports scare the “crap” out of her as much as they do me!).  Once in the air, would you believe the little “stinker” pooped AGAIN?  Sheesh… thankfully none required a change of clothes. 

The pilot happily announced we were thirty minutes ahead of schedule.  Well look at that… things really CAN go well when the Vaags crew travels!  Thank the good Lord!  (Could someone throw ANY pill bottle at me at this point, please?).

Sivana, fussed and cried for quite a few bouts of the three hour flight but it was manageable.  I just always feel bad for the people around us whom undoubtedly made note of our crew before boarding and thought to themselves “please don’t let me sit by them… please don’t let me sit by them…” 

Anika was happily looking out her window with Loreena next to her and Melina next to Loreena while Duane sat across the aisle from them with Ethan between us and Sivana on my lap.  As the plane started its descent, I sighed with relief thinking “one flight down… one more to go.”  Before I could get too relieved, the plane started bouncing around like an amusement park ride!  I heard Melina and Loreena shouting for the stewardess (who was restricted to her seat for descent).  I looked over to see Melina’s face and recognized that look of “I’m about to vomit”.  I looked beyond her to Loreena who was calmly cupping something in her hand and finally to my poor Anika who was throwing up all over the plane window which ricochet onto the poor gentleman behind her (who was now covering his nose with his shirt). 

Hmmm, I KNEW things were going too smoothly!

Melina’s familiar gagging sound filled my ears as I calmly reached past the baby on my lap for the diaper bag between my feet while a sea of puke bags got tossed at the girls from surrounding passengers.  I grabbed a handful of wipes as I unsympathetically started chuckling and tossed them at the poor girls who were being bombarded from every direction. 

Given that Anika had peed her pants at Sea World, we learned the hard way to pack a spare pair of panties and pants for her. Thankfully I had these in the diaper bag, but because my more-than-capable imagination did NOT anticipate this one, her shirts were stupidly “checked in” for our supposed “convenience”.  ARGH! 

Once the plane finally landed, Loreena worked diligently to sponge-bath Anika with wipes while passengers rushed passed us off the plane holding their breath!  Melina changed Anika’s vomit-drenched clothes, while I tried stuffing them in my plastic bag without getting it all over myself.  Between Anika’s dirty clothes and Sivana’s plethora of poopy diapers, this would NOT be a fun diaper bag to open when we got home!

Surprisingly, I was able to chuckle at this.  Afterall, one unfortunate event is NOTHING (and I was not the one who got puked on).  This was more than manageable especially given we were now just a small stretch away from home!

After purchasing an expensive T-shirt for Anika from the Minneapolis gift shop, we made our way to our next gate to catch our last swift ninety-minute flight back home… so close I can almost taste it!  (the good Lord knows, I could practically SMELL it!)

The Whole of the Net

We have some neighbourhood boys who have taken delight in our big net-enclosed trampoline.  They head on over with their quad, ring the doorbell and ask if they can jump away.  I always smile and say "of course!"  Finally, I told them they were welcome anytime and did not have to ask each time.  So every now and again, I would glance out the front window to see these two boys jumping with big grins on their faces, doing flips and other acrobatics that leave me cringing inside for their safety, but thanking God for the safety of the net around them!

Sigh... I do suppose boys will be boys, right?

For weeks now I have watched them but earlier in the week, Anika came running in from the front yard yelling "THE BOYS MADE A BIG HOLE IN THE NET!!"  I made my way to the door only to watch the boys leaving on their quad.  Sure enough, I followed Anika who showed me a six square-inch rip at the base of the net.

At first, I felt really disappointed.  Could it be that the boys did not realize they had ripped the net?  That's a pretty significant rip to not have to have pulled your own foot out of.  Did one of the boys get hurt?  Did they take off because they felt ashamed or scared that I would be angry with them?  Should I go over and speak with them or wait until they come back?

Finally, Duane was the one who wisely said "Sometimes with boys, it takes them a few days to fess up to something they feel bad about.  Give them some time and they'll come by."

But several days came and went and I was sad to see that they weren't coming by anymore.  More than anything, I missed seeing their big goofy grins as they jumped ridiculously high.  I missed knowing we could provide these boys with something that made them laugh as they would.  As each day passed, I was sad that they were letting what I assumed was their shame from coming back... and I missed them.

To my delight, a couple of days ago, the eldest of the boys came to my door.  He looked truly sorry and could barely look me in the eyes.  I was just so happy to see him as I knew exactly why he was there.  He shuffled his feet and said with great remorse, "Mrs. Vaags, I am really sorry about breaking your net."  I just couldn't help myself and asked him if I could give him a hug and he nodded and let me pull this big tall young man into my arms.  I looked him straight in the eyes and said "I am so proud of you for coming and telling us.  I was hoping you would do exactly that.  We know that accidents happen and that you did not mean to break the net.  It's okay."  He seemed a little choked up as he asked "Is there anything we can do to fix it?"  I simply replied that we would do what we can to mend it but that in the end, it is just a net.  Finally I asked "Is this why you haven't been by?  Because you felt bad?"  He looked at the ground and nodded.  Again, I looked him straight in the eyes and said "I want you to know that you can always come to us if something has happened that you feel bad about.  I have missed your big smile when you jump on that trampoline and I'm just glad that you came by as you did."

As I watched him walk away, I had to fight the tears from my own eyes as it hit me like a tonne of bricks how often I have "hidden" myself from God because I have felt ashamed of my own choices.  How often has He simply waited for me to come to Him with the information He is more than aware of to be accountable?  How often has He missed me while I struggled with my sins?  And does He feel this happy when each of us finally takes that walk up to His door, dreading His wrath or judgement, only to be met with the sheer joy that shame has not kept us apart anymore?

So these boys reminded me of a very valuable lesson in my own faith.  Even as I type this, I think of how meagre my own joy is in comparison to what our very FATHER would feel when we finally come to Him!  I am grateful that there is a hole in our net.  Part of me doesn't know if I want to fix it or not (although the practical side of me says 'um, yes, small children need to not have their legs fall through that hole!).  But I am glad that even if fixed, the marked difference will be our reminder not to hide from our Father because we feel ashamed.  There is nothing He does not already know and He misses us more than we can realize when we create that separation from Him.

May these words find you thinking of times you have felt frustrated by something going wrong and the hidden message God slipped in there for you.  May you look back on those moments with the eyes to see what He longs us to see.... and may you feel lifted as you let go of past hurts realizing they have been your blessings all along.  Isn't that just how He works?  What initially feels like a punishment, is an incredible opportunity to see His grace and His love!  How many times have I missed it?

God bless you all out there and may you close that gap of shame that keeps you from knocking on his door to say "I am sorry."  He waits eagerly and misses you with all of His big heart.  And if you find there's a big lineup to His door, chances are you'll see me there, too!

A Glimpse Into our Sabbath

Shabbat Shalom, dear ones!  Finally another week has wound down and I am actually sitting down to do things NOT on my ever-growing list of To-Do's!!  Ah... it's so nice to sit down guilt-free and do what I actually LOVE to do!  Sweet, sweet Sabbath, indeed!

On Friday nights when we watch for the sun to touch the horizon, we anticipate the start of Sabbath with cups of "Sabbath Juice" (grape juice) and a readiness in our hearts to reflect on the past week.  We start with the littlest one (who still grows in my womb) and we ask the question "What was the best part of your week?  What was the worst part of your week?  What would you like us to pray for?"  For our Littlest One, the best part of the week is usually "growing a little bit bigger and stronger!"  The worst part is "finding it getting squishier in here!"  The kids usually giggle at my attempt at a high baby voice but they love asking the baby these questions.

Next we go to Sivana who has typically already been put to bed by this point but whose highlight of the week is usually things like NOT getting any more bleeding noses (will explain another time) or eating food.  Worst part of her week is usually that she STILL has only TWO teeth!!  This makes enjoying her food a little more challenging.

Ethan's highlight of his week is, without fail, consistently "going for FAST quad rides on the bumpies!"  We have some big mud hills by the ditches around the farm and Duane often takes the kids up and down the sides of the ditches (not MY idea of safety, but the kids sure love it).  And Ethan's worst part of his week is when he DOESN'T get to go for a quad ride!  He always asks to pray for more rain for the fields... too cute.

Anika has a more worldly approach.  She gets the rolls of the eyes from Mina & Duane but I definitely get her heart.  She wants us to pray for the world, or for love, for everyone's family and friends.  The highlight of her week is usually when she gets to be helpful to Melina with chores and the worst part of her week is when she chooses to make bad decisions.  I get her heart because this is how I think about things, too.  But she and I are definitely considered the "cheese" factory of the family!!

Isabel's highlight of the week is when she's had fewer seizures and the worst part is often having had one big seizure that was scary.  As for prayers, we ask for continued health and safety for her and a life of less suffering.

Melina is usually glad that Friday has finally arrived and this marks the highlight of her week.  Worst part of her week usually has to do with disappointment with bad choices she watches her dear friends beginning to make and resulting sense of separation.  This saddens her but I have talked with her about this for the last few years telling her to watch with open eyes for these changes and to choose for herself if she wants to follow blindly like a sheep for the sake of being with all those peers or if she is ready and willing to take the narrow road which often looks like it will be lonely, but she will be most delightfully surprised at the presence of God she will discover there.  I am so proud of her wisdom and the journey she has embarked upon from wanting nothing more than to fit in with the rest of the world, to recognizing the true value of being WHO she is fearless of whether this finds her standing alone or not.

Someone once said, "It's better to be hated for who you ARE than to be loved for who you are NOT."

Duane and I take our turns summarizing highlights and downfalls of the week... my highlights having to do with new discoveries or special moments shared with someone and the downfalls being discovering a new weakness or inner struggle.  Duane's highlights have to do with the farm and his disappointments also reside in his deep desire to understand how to farm nourishing foods successfully without the use of any chemicals.  He longs more than anything to farm full time but with the big losses we've endured these last few years, had it not been for his firefighting job, we likely would have filed for bankruptcy twice over by now!  This obviously weighs very heavily on his heart.

With all of our hearts poured out, we join hands and bow our heads as Duane prays a blessing upon each one of us.  Then we lift up our cups and shout "SHABBAT SHALOM!!!" and the clinking of glasses resonates as we celebrate the start of a special day.

With a big purple moustache on the kids' faces, and Ethan licking his chaps and asking for more Sabbath Juice, I pick up the guitar and we sing some of our favourite songs starting with "Thank You God".

The time is sacred and had God not commanded this of us, the sad thing is that I do not know that we would have chosen this for ourselves.  But now that we do this, I could not imagine a greater blessing upon our family!  Just goes to show that He really does know best, doesn't He?  How many times have I sat there thinking that I am the ruler of my own life, that I know what's best for ME only to discover that what He had in store for me far exceeds my wildest imagination?

And as I learn His laws and discover the significance behind them, it is becoming easier and easier to TRUST that these rules are laid out for a LOVING purpose!  I seem to resist them at first, not recognizing the gift in them but surrender to them through obedience, only to discover the life-giving aspect of them to the point where I honour them through my love and TRUST in God.

Sometimes I sit and laugh at some of the 613 conditions as I cannot understand WHY certain processes are expected of us... but I realize now I am trying to pour the ocean into my limited bucket of understanding!  It is impossible!

But I see more and more everyday that I am WILLING and TRUST His word and His desire for us as His children.  He is proving beyond a shadow of doubt that His perfection and magnitude far exceeds what I can fathom or ever understand... that as He alone created the story from beginning to end, who am I to question such a meagre part of the middle where this tiny grain of sand now stands?

What a gracious God that He would grant us salvation through the blood of His sacred son, and what a gracious God that He would lay out for us His rules to live by that ensure we do not follow blindly like sheep being led by a wolf cleverly disguised... but rather EQUIPPED to know when we are being misled and strong enough in our love and desire to be with Him to turn away from the current of the crowd to seek His truth... even if it feels that we stand alone.

So my darling brothers and sisters... today I pray that your hearts recognize His truth within you.  It is there.  He has said that it is there.  It is His breath of life... His RUACH (spirit of God) that thrives within you, in the very temple that is your body.  So you ARE equipped to know what is truth and what is not.  So be fearless in honouring what draws you nearer to Him even if it means stepping away from the comforts of tradition(s).  Close your eyes and feel the very life flow through you... you, who are sacred to Him.  You, who are beautiful to Him.  You, whom He longs to be with.  He alone is our Shepherd who could never lead us astray.

I love you all out there... you, my brothers and sisters.  God bless you all.

Truly a day of rest!

Ah... the end of another Sabbath.  Duane has had to work at the firehall for the past four Sabbaths so today was the first time we felt united as a family in nearly five weeks... and it was beautiful.

To update you somewhat on our lives, the young woman I referred to as a potential live-in nanny was officially hired three weeks ago.  She has been immersed in our family and has been grafted in as a member!  She is like a younger sister / daughter to me and nearly our every conversation is about God.  She is passionate about sharing her God-given gifts in any way she can, being a servant unto others, singing His praise and offering up her life to Him.  Somedays, in the midst of the chaos that is our lives, I stop and ask her "any regrets joining us?" and she gets a big grin on her face and says "no way!"

Needless to say, she is a blessing to us and we pray to be as much a blessing to her in any way we can.

Our lives have certainly picked up a busy pace as school has resumed.  This means that every other week, I am driving nearly four hours a day bringing Izzy to and from her school in the city.  With our new live-in help, it is a HUGE blessing not to load up three small children and having them spend four hours of their day in a vehicle!  Now with harvest mostly over and our busy farm season slowing down, Duane will be able to help with some of those drives, too.  Three days a week, I stop at the gym for a good vigorous workout.  I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life and my concern is for my growing baby.  As long as I am pregnant or nursing, my body does not shed any weight so there has been no difference there despite five weeks of active vigorous workouts, but at least I feel healthier and like I am playing an active role in my overall well being.

Monday mornings, Anika has swim lessons.  Tuesdays, Melina has voice lessons.  Thursdays Anika has preschool while I do my weekly grocery shop and Fridays are busy with Sabbath prep and winding down from another busy week.

So today was a much welcomed rest!  Shalom (peace) filled our home and the praise that spilled forth from my heart was abundant and energizing.  I began to write a song about Jesus' quote "Let the children come to me."  Mostly it is about how they are given the eyes to "see"... that while I have often prayed for the little ones who are abused, raped, killed, abandoned, etc.. I often forget to pray for those who oppress them.  Afterall, I have known first hand what it is like to fall away from God and how darkness fills your head with thoughts that you no longer deserve to be in His light.  Something convinces you that you are undeserving, that you will never be worthy therefore why bother trying to change?  These are clearly thoughts from darkness but I know them all too well.  Even those who oppress children are still deserving of His grace... otherwise He would have never sent Jesus.  So the song is remembering that if He has given children the eyes to see, perhaps He has given them the strength to recognize that it is their oppressors who are not free.  And in the end, we are ALL His children and He wants us all to come to Him.  So that is the song in the works as of today.  We'll see where it goes.

I was also finally able to go next door to visit our ninety-four year old widowed neighbour.  I was able to bring her some soup and some apple crisp and some fresh coffee to share together.  She is feisty (I think you have to be to live to ninety-four and STILL live on your own in the country!) and I loved every minute with her!  She shared how she wept for three years when her husband died... in fact, I learned that he died right here on our property!  He had been sick for a couple of weeks and just wanted to get out of the house for a while and came by to visit Duane's father and to pick up some hay, but he collapsed and never got up again.  I felt honoured that she shared what she did.  It was nice to be with her and to listen to her stories.  She truly is an amazing woman!  I only pray and hope I can work even half as hard as she has in her life and with the same amount of gusto!  "I will never leave this place" she said to me "even though everyone says I am crazy.  But it would kill me to leave here... this is where my husband's memories are."

The day was filled with the Lord and it felt so blessed.  I wish every day could be like this but without the piling up of dishes!! :)  It feels right when every conversation comes back to God... as though He himself is the very foundation of everything!  After all, I suppose He IS our rock from which we are to build our house!

The children rejoice in days like today, too.  Mommy and daddy are present, reading books and singing songs together, making time for each other and for the sake of togetherness.  And the mental permission to be at rest in every way makes it easier to surrender fully to a holy day, and to greet these family times with more patience and grace.

So there you have it, my dear loved ones.  Life is abundant and your prayers bless our family beyond words.  My baby grows healthily and my hand is often making its way to rubbing my belly again.  I cannot imagine a life richer in blessings than ours and I feel as though it is thanks to the blessing of your prayers out there.  I hope so much that our prayers for all of you are near as potent as yours!

May this find you enjoying whatever moment you have right now.  May the peace of our day pour forth through these words and find their way into your hearts.  May you join us in the sanctity of this day through your willingness to be a part of our family through this little blog.  And may our prayers reach you and bless you as you have blessed us.  In Jesus' precious name... Amen.

Hearing the hearts cry out

I was laying there trying to rest this afternoon while the little ones were sleeping when I felt stirred to come down and reconnect with all of you.  So hello, my dears!  I have missed you!

My thoughts have been to many places but just now they landed on the realization I have had since I was very little... that fear keeps us from being WHO we are.  Fear of what others may think, fear of awkwardness, fear of rejection and/or ridicule.  These are all very real and hurt very deeply when we put ourselves out there only to feel as though the door has been slammed in our faces.

That's when God taught me to give from my heart so that once it leaves who I am, it is no longer mine... whatever happens to it cannot affect me.  Then my heart can truly become, a gift.

So I have often asked myself "what fear is keeping me from being completely myself?"  And "what am I prepared/willing to do about it?"

And so I will share with you something about who I am that I often reserve for when I have truly gotten to know someone.  Even then, there are times I think it may create too much awkwardness and I merely keep it to myself.

Well, I no longer want to be the judge of what other people can handle or not.  I will be authentic, real, genuine and trust that you will decide for yourself if you want to create awkwardness between us, or accept that this may be "unique", or appreciate the risk I have taken to be as real as I can with you... without fear.

Here goes...

Since I have been little, it's as though I can "see" people's hearts.  Perhaps "feel" their hearts is a better word to use here.  I think that is why people's anger towards me or harshness does not always cut deep because my eyes see past that to their hearts and the cross that they bear in their life and I see my equal as a sinner, as a child of God, as someone struggling in this life no differently than I am.

Some people have a light that shines through their eyes.  I call it "God light."  These are people whose hearts I can feel serve others, give unconditionally and rejoice at being a servant unto others.  It's not to say they are faultless... none of us are!  But their hearts emanate a strength or harmonious rhythm that is in sync with God's love.  Does that make sense?

I actually believe we ALL have this ability... to see each other for who we really are, but sometimes we let our egos and hurts or FEARS build up walls or barriers that make us turn a blind eye to what is real in our fellow brother or sister.  In fearing being seen for who we really are, we miss out on seeing who others truly are.

Sometimes this gifts extends into that person's health.  I have sometimes sat next to someone and have felt overwhelmed with the pain emanating from a specific part of their body.  Other times it comes in the form of an image.

I sat next to a young woman once at a party whom I did not know, only her name.  I felt a great heat radiating from her stomach and I swallowed my fear of making a fool of myself and asked her, "are you suffering a great deal with stomach pains?"  She blinked at me in surprise and looked slightly uncomfortable but answered "yes... very much so."  The feeling of motherhood swept over me and the image of two siblings so I asked her, "you have two siblings?"  Again she blinked and said "yes."  "You are not the eldest but you take care of both of them, don't you?"  She nodded in dismay.  Then a fatherly figure flashed before my mind with a crippled left arm so I interpreted that to the best of my ability and continued, "Is your father quite sick with a crippled left arm?"  At this point, she seemed to have surrendered to whatever you'd call this interaction (almost relieved) and said "yes, he has cancer in his left arm."  "And that is when your stomach pains started?"  At that question, she did the math in her head and seemed amazed that the two incidences seemed to coincide.  Her heart was heavy with the burden of parenting her two siblings and the stress/fear of it all was affecting her stomach.  She suffered this quietly, which is when someone's heart cries out to me the most, as these are the ones that suffer the most.  Finally I said to her "Everything will be just fine regardless of what you do.  Please resume being a loving sister and daughter and know that you cannot control whatever the outcome may be.  But know that whatever that outcome is, all will be perfectly fine."

To my dismay, tears were falling from her eyes and she gave me the biggest hug.  I have no idea what the outcome turned out to be but I took a big risk because I feared her own heart's well-being over my being ridiculed.  My ego was no match for what I felt crying out from her heart.

One time I did let awkwardness keep me from speaking out.  There was a man in his late forties whom we saw on a weekly basis at community gatherings but he and his family mostly kept to themselves.  One day I looked at him and was amazed to see a very old and sickly man!  I had to blink my eyes as I thought perhaps the lighting was playing tricks on me.  And then I felt a cry from his colon (yes, I know that sounds positively silly) but I even said to Duane, "I think that man has colon cancer."  Duane seemed surprise as this was a very healthy family and this man was still so young but sure enough within three months, it was announced that he was diagnosed with progressive colon cancer.

If I had not been afraid of misinterpreting the "feeling" and of creating awkwardness between us and this family, could I have helped them gain some critical time in fighting this?  Why did I let fear keep me from sharing what I felt?

I am amazed at how much our body's ailments seem to coincide with things we have struggled to let go of.  And that is sometimes where people's hearts cry out.  Sometimes I hear them, sometimes I do not.  I pray that these instances are gifts from God but sometimes I feel afraid that they may not be.  Afterall, what am I to do with them?  There are many times I have kept my mouth shut for fear of ruining the relationships I have, or for fear of misunderstanding the "feelings."  But do I "see" these things because they are meant to be addressed?  How can this bring glory to God?

I know He changes my heart when He does these things because it challenges me to look beyond a person's current state of mind (grumpy, irritable, angry, vengeful) to see deeper to the heart of the matter.  Every single person struggles through life... I have not felt a single heart that did not have to push through traumas, painful events, etc...  Maybe that is why it feels effortless to love you all out there... I KNOW you suffer.  I KNOW you weep.  I KNOW you feel afraid of what you may be or what you may not be, and of what others think you are.  And worst of all, I know so many of you suffer these fears ALONE.

And it makes me wish that God would grant me the biggest/longest arms in the world that I could stretch out and collect every one of you, and rock you lovingly on my lap reassuring you that you are precious, that you are designed to heal, that nothing can touch your soul... not your past mistakes, not the ones you make willingly, not the ones you make unknowingly.  Your soul belongs to God and God alone which means you contain His beauty within you.  Do not ever LIMIT yourselves to your mistakes!  They could never DEFINE you!  But they will play key roles in SHAPING you!  Do not let shame prevent your mistakes from teaching you... and do not let shame keep you from sharing your new-gained wisdom with others.  We're in this life together, good and bad.  May we be loving and gracious in our interactions with each other.

And please, please, please, do not rob yourself of healing by telling yourself you cannot share your pain with others because you may be perceived as weak!  It takes far more courage and strength to reach out with your pain than to contain it within yourself.  And trust me, I hear the hearts cry out whose suffering is so loud with loneliness and no one on this earth should bear that burden alone.  No one.

So may this posting reach out to you and love you just as you are.  May you be freed from fear of being alone in your faults and mistakes.  May you be loved for being here by God's Will... and may you forgive yourself your mistakes and let them shape you in wisdom.  I love you very much, truly, from the bottom of my heart.  And if this meagre, struggling human being can love you this much, just imagine how much God must love you!!

God bless you all out there!

And then there were six!

There must be some incredibly potent prayer warriors out there because the transformation that has swept through our home since my last post has been phenomenal!

First and foremost, it was finally revealed WHY I was feeling so out of sorts... we are having another baby!  This wee one is truly just "wee" as I am only six weeks pregnant.  But it absolutely astounds me how instantly I fall in love with the little life growing within me!  The breath of God is at work within my womb once more and the honour is so humbling that tears fill my eyes even as I type these words (and these tears reach even beyond my hormones!).

I thought I would be afraid but this little one's presence has filled me with such peace.  Duane and I had spent the last couple of months debating whether or not to get a vasectomy... and depending on the day, we were short of a pop-in visit at the doctor's!!  There is almost relief in knowing the decision is already made.

And it affirms what I have known in my heart for the last two years... that we were meant to have two more children, a girl and a boy.  Sivana Grace was born and so I am left to believe this is the little boy I "felt" in my heart for two years now.  (Well, we'll certainly laugh at me if we end up having yet another girl!!).  At this point, we are so happy with our beautiful family and pleased with how special each child is that we are truly in a space of celebrating merely a HEALTHY child.  If it's a boy, great... my instincts will have been right.  If it's a girl, great... the good Lord has a true sense of humour!

And if it's twins... well, we just won't even go there!

We have decided to hire a live-in nanny for the next two years.  This will allow the four youngest to stay at home Mondays through Fridays when I make the four hour daily commute driving Isabel to and from school.  I have also decided to register with the YMCA/WCA and to make time for self-care three days a week after dropping Isabel off at school.  I am currently the heaviest I have ever been in my life and I am worried about the baby's well-being so a slow and steady fitness regimen is in store.

Thanks to my mother's help these last two weeks, I have already felt the incredible benefit mentally to taking that time to nurture my well being.

I have also registered Ethan and Anika for swim lessons in the Fall.  This next year is going to be incredibly busy and you may not see much of us as we prepare our home and our lives for our last baby but I feel this is a sacred task and I do not want to take it lightly.

We are in the process of interviewing a potential candidate to come live with us and God has been unbelievably gracious in placing an exceptional young woman in our midst....

She was home schooled from grades 8-12, grew up on an organic farm, is an aspiring musician (who is currently making her own CD), has six siblings PLUS two foster-siblings, believes in natural medicine and best of all, has a powerful heart for God!

You guys know me... I set up a brutally honest profile on www.greataupair.com thinking that no one in their right mind would tackle our family!  But here was this young woman who SOUGHT US OUT!  Can you believe that?  Rather than us finding potential candidates, she CHOSE to register with the website for the sole purpose of reaching us.

If that's not someone pretty exceptional, I don't know what is!

Finances will be tight but God has ALWAYS ensured our every provision and we have been richly blessed with His bounty.

I leave you all on this note.  But I also want you know that something truly mind boggling has come to our knowledge... and it has to do with September 27th.. the eve of the Feast of Trumpets.  Duane and I have a little more research to do yet, but for what it is worth, please read up on the Feast of Trumpets and its theorized messianic significance of representing Christ's return.

In the meantime, I pray for all of you out there with all the love in my heart.  You are my brothers and sisters and I long for our voices to be united in singing God's praises.  His perfection pulls me to my knees and his words resonate through all the universe... even the stars and the planets bow to Him and His every command!  And yet, He knows every hair on your head!  On my head!  All the hairs that will be on this blessed baby's head... incredible!

We will keep you posted!  God bless you all out there!

From Week to Weak

Wow... has it seriously been that long since I last found myself typing in www.blogger.com??  I guess with the fact that I hesitated to remember my password, I would say YES!

I wish I could say to you that I have been non-blogging due to renewed energy around the home after my last confession but sadly, I have found myself struggling with a strange low.  Somedays I feel like a strange science experiment... like I can step outside of my own body and look at myself analytically, making notes of behavioural changes, physical indications, etc... and other times I feel lost in whatever universe I feel that I have created within myself.

This past week, it's as though I stepped outside of my body and have watched an unfurling of strange behaviour, wondering if I am even watching "me" at all!

What has bothered me the most is that despite constantly sorting through emotions, events, reactions, etc... I can't seem to pinpoint what triggered this "episode", why it's happening, or what it means.

I have felt my body shutting down, which I do not have time for nor the means to truly rest to nip it in the butt.  Sure enough, I have had low-grade fevers, chills, hot flashes and since yesterday, a lost voice!  Hmmm, run down.  Okay body, fine, I hear you but how on earth do you propose we tend to this home and this family if you are run down?  Work with me here, will ya?

Then comes the energy level... or lack thereof.  If I could curl up in a ball and sleep for three days straight, I think that I would!  Where is this fatigue coming from?  I went twelve years without sleeping through the night and managed better than this and here I am actually getting six hours of consecutive sleep this past week (as we have enforced some better sleeping patterns on Sivana) and I am more exhausted than ever???

Or is my body protesting saying "um, excuse me... but I can't help but notice that is is possible to get more than two hours of sleep at a time... we have some serious making up to do here, lady!"

And then there are the emotions.  Man o man I don't know what concoction of potent emotions my brain decided to dip itself into this week but it must be some kind of bad batch!!  Crying to yelling, laughing to crying again, trusting to mistrusting, understanding to defensive... I have travelled the full gamut of possibility this week, folks, and I dragged my family along with me... unwillingly!

And now I understand the saying "if mama aint happy, NOBODY's happy!"  (Yes, I seriously just used the word "ain't"... I'm as sad about this as you are!).

I think I also understand the concept of CAVES now, too.  I think the world would have been better off if I had found one this past week and did not emerge until Mrs Hyde went away on permanent vacation!

Oh... did I mention the shame?  I can see how irrational I am being.  I can see how my reactions are spiteful and hurtful.  I can see that I am intentionally careless in my words and responses.  To those whom I love the most, I am watching them retreat from the ricochet of my wreckless emotional onslaught.  I am standing outside of myself watching in horror, not understanding why I am ALLOWING this... why I am not jumping back into my skin and taking over whatever monster has just taken up residence instead!

How weak!  How pathetic!  And now these are apparent to those whom I love the most.

It has been the strangest week.  I don't understand why.  Today I feel a little better but I can feel tears close to the surface.  Even last night, Melina was joking about when Duane and I used to tuck her into bed (we'd read a bit of the bible together and each take a turn to pray).  She laughed as she said "I remember I would pray first, then you, then Duane.  When it was your turn, you'd say stuff like 'as I look around at your beauty and see the trees budding to life, and the water traversing its journey towards the ditch... blah blah blah' and Duane and I would look at each other & roll our eyes.  After ten minutes when it was finally Duane's turn, he would just say 'Amen.'"

And Duane and Melina laughed.

Normally, I would laugh, too.  But for some reason, last night, that hurt.  Everything seems to hurt this week, like my usual logical filters have been shut down or else defensive filters have been put up.  I let it sting.  And really, they were right.  You guys know it well from my long-winded blog entries... I can really go on and on and on about details!

But in my heart, God took the time to make these details.  And I don't want to miss them!

Regardless, they were right but instead of joining in their laughter, I found myself feeling deeply hurt like being "me" was annoying and that people often look at each other behind my back and roll their eyes.  But normally, other people's opinions about me don't bug me.  They are entitled to think whatever they want.  That's their right.

So why did I let that hurt so much?  Will it still hurt when I climb back into my skin and take over this foreign being again?  What happened to "me"??

And there you have it folks, after a long, long time, I finally log back in only to confess a truly ugly image of whatever it is I have been this past week.  I hope that the next time you hear from me, I can look back on this and laugh.  I don't like feeling fragile like this... unstable.  It scares me and I think it scares my husband and kids.

Today, I would like to reach out to you with whatever prayer that emerges... perhaps something along the lines of "Heavenly Father, I ask that you bless your children out there... all of them created from your breath... your will.  The ones going about in their day and those taking the time to read these very words.  Bless them, Father.  Give them continued clarity to know WHO they are and to recognize anything that knocks them off kilter.  Give them the support and the strength they need to re-balance and rediscover WHO they are, to be freed from whatever bears them down and free to soar above their hardships.  For their loved ones standing on the side-lines, may they be kept safe in knowing it is just a bump in the road and all will be well soon enough.  And for those who do not find themselves struggling with these feelings at all, may you continue to bless their strength of mind and of heart.  Thank you for the beautiful people you have placed in my life and the support they are to me through these moments.  Thank you for life and yes, the intricate details you take time to make!  Help us all to laugh at ourselves and be freed from fear of other people's opinions.  In Jesus' precious, precious name... Amen."

Wind in my Sail

I was sitting on my veranda just now with my cup of coffee in hand, my heart feeling unsettled and restless.  In fact, it has felt that way for a couple of weeks now.  Right after I posted about going on a near ten-week stretch of being on top of my household tasks, I began to notice a dwindling.  At first, I figured maybe it was just an off day but that lull has been making itself at home and is beginning to overstay its welcome!

So I walked away from a disorderly kitchen this morning with the need to turn my heart to God.  Afterall, those ten weeks were filled with my singing His praise for the energy and self-discipline I felt He was blessing me with.  It felt like an undeniable reward for the complete willingness and surrender of my heart to embrace His appointed time, Passover.

It was so affirming.

But fifty days after passover is Shavuot which perfectly aligns with Pentecost.  While Shavuot was Moses coming down from the mount with God's laws, Pentecost was the gift of the Holy Spirit (the law within our hearts) fifty days after Jesus was resurrected.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Shavuot was fast approaching but instead of turning my heart to His appointed time, I got caught up within my self and what I wanted and watched Shavuot come and go with no special attention from me.  "Oh well, next year I will be more diligent."

It has only been the last few days that I have been connecting the dots and adding up how long I have been feeling deflated and it hit my like a tonne of bricks that my fatigue and sheer exhaustion coincides perfectly with Shavuot.  Could it be??

So my spirit fell to its knees and asked forgiveness for fearing pleasing those of this world over pleasing our God!  His special day had been filled with my attention placed on things and people of this world rather than on Him and the simple commandments He asked of me.

Yes, they are simple.  Far more simple than the complicated webs we weave in this world of proper etiquette in pleasing others!

"Love me and do as I say."

As I sat there just moments ago, a prayer poured forth from me and words flowed through me that revealed so much more than just a questionable unrest.

"Father, I come to you now feeling as though I have lost the wind in my sails.  Forgive me, Father.  Look at the environment around me, the luxuries that I know... the freedom I live!  This is the life of someone who has been richly blessed.  Forgive me that my gratitude is so fickle that I am so easily distracted by my own heart's desires and far too willing to push you to the wayside as I pursue what I want.  In so doing, I turned my back on you at Shavuot.  You did nothing but wait lovingly for me and I did not come.  And now I am restless with missing you and feeling distant.  I know you have already forgiven me so I ask that you help me to forgive myself.  I ask that you help me shed whatever it is that inhibits my sail from rising up and catching wind of your Holy Spirit once more... to propel me forward towards your good and pleasing Will.  Help me to rejoice in my daily tasks and the ABILITY you give me to administer them.  I love you so much.  Thank you for your constant willingness to work on me, to refine me, to believe that I am worth the work.  In Jesus' precious name... Amen."

With that I hopped up and came right to you to confess what I have struggled with these past couple of weeks.  And as I typed about the meaning behind Shavuot, I literally gasped in realizing how much it aligned with my prayer!  The literal feeling of the "wind in my sail" and feeling its absence affirmed the discord with my soul about Shavuot... the giving of His laws, the giving of His Holy Spirit.

Oh how He is gracious and patient with me despite such obvious "connect-the-dot" moments.

So there you have it folks.  I've shed some healing tears and have tasted the freedom of humility from the revelation given to me thanks to the time taken this morning to truly SEEK what has been inhibiting me.  No distractions, just the truth, please.  And He gave it to me in full dose.  Praise be to God!

Once again, I cannot thank you enough for the freedom of expressing my journey and the comfort of knowing you care enough to touch base.  May you feel my love pour forth towards you this morning with the humility of knowing I am your simple servant, ever striving to look outside of just my SELF and to truly reach out with purpose and above all, love.

To Pee or Not to Pee

Apparently this is the question Ethan's bladder does not always let his conscious mind in on!

Ah yes, you guessed it... Potty Training.

As if my days were not filled enough with household tasks, custom meals, chauffeuring, etc... we now have to add a ridiculous amount of time spent sitting on a bathroom floor coaxing my two year old son to let all the "pee pee and poo poo" out into the cool red potty.

Cue tangent #1
I remember dreaming of the day I would be a mom.  You know, cute babies cooing happily, onlookers smiling at the sight of your darling little angels, patty-cake and first steps, etc...  Yeah, no one EVER warned me that my life would completely revolve around other people's bodily functions!  And that I would barely have time for my own!!

Sigh.

Between changing Isabel's diapers, cleaning up Ethan's accidents, getting wacked in the back of the leg by Sivana in her walker signing "DIAPER" because she's pooped... again... yelling at Anika to sit on the toilet because she's doing the pee-pee dance... again... as I step into a "puddle" Ethan did not yet tell me about.  In this blasted heat, I go to the bathroom to splash some water on my face and wipe my face thoroughly on the hand towel lying next to the sink only to hear Anika yell "ETHAN POOPED ON THE FLOOR!"

Okay, in all fairness, Ethan has only pooped on the floor about five times thus far into two weeks of potty training but it sure feels like more!

Hose down Ethan and his new Thomas the Tank Engine underwear, wash his hands that were too curious to pass up feeling what was sticky on his bum... sigh... (and if I wasn't so tired, I would even say EWWW!!!) go back to the kitchen where I have been trying to get lunch made for the last hour... wash my hands AGAIN... only to hear the water running in the bathroom.

There is my son dumping his pee-filled potty in the sink and wiping it with the hand towel!!  GULP... the one I had been wiping my face with ALL DAY!  How many times has he done THAT???

Okay, now I am NOT too tired to exclaim EWWWW GROSS!!!!

It's at the point now where going out in public visiting with other adults feels... well... like something is missing!  I have to squelch the instinct to ask if I can double check to see if they've wiped their bums properly and did they wash their hands?  Did they pull their pants all the way to the floor to make sure they did not pee on it?  Or clap my hands excitedly when someone walks out of the bathroom and say "YEAY!!!  WHAT A BIG KID!!!"  Or look at my watch and say "Hey Mr. ______, it's been two hours since your last potty break.  Do you need to do a pee?"

Maybe there's a reason us parents are house-bound when the kids are little!  We'd risk acquiring restraining orders otherwise!!

Melina is having a birthday party as I type this... ten sixteen year old girls... on the brink of realizing that other people's opinions do NOT have power over them... but still blushing at moments that could/should be embarrassing.  My younger children do not clue in on social awkwardness (heck, neither do I!) so much to these girls' horror, Ethan was just sitting on his potty with me holding a book in front of him while Anika was on the big white toilet next to him, both of them grunting up a storm... bathroom door wide open as the girls are needing to use the sink to wash off the makeovers they'd been doing.

I cannot help but laugh.  "Sorry for the grunt fest over here, ladies."  Their nervous giggles make me laugh even more!  But it's Ethan exclaiming "Mommy, (GRUNT) I think my poop is still shy!" that has the girls scurrying awfully quick out of the bathroom.
 
Lastly, there was the time when Duane and I finally stole a moment of just sitting together before being swept away by our hectic lives.  It had been a day of split kiddie tasks - he was responsible for Isabel and I looked after the three little ones.  The day presented this precious, precious moment of just breathing together.  To make it even sweeter, Duane started to caress my face gently as I closed my eyes soaking up every glorious sensation and act of gentleness.  Around my eyes, down on my chin, along my cheek and my upper lip... sniff... along my cheek again.... without opening my eyes, I felt the moment slip away from me all too quickly as I asked him slowly... "did Isabel have a poopy diaper?"  Still loving with the moment, he continued to caress my face as he answered "Yes."  "Duane, did you wash your hands?"  His caressing fingers froze right over my upper lip... "Yes."  Which is a testament to the potency of Isabel's... aroma... and the fact that despite our raw hands from constant washings, not even a tiny moment of togetherness can occur without an interruption of pee or poo.

Ah sweet dignity!  By any other name would it still smell this NOT-so-sweet???

Tractor songs!

For all you moms and dads out there who are looking for fun-filled and colourful songs for your kids to enjoy!  Or if you're like me and enjoy these whether the kids are sitting next to you or not... hee hee hee!