Our family Sabbath song

So here is our family gathering just after sundown to sing our "Sabbath song."  This is a song I made up for each of us to have the opportunity to share what we are most grateful for that week (or day).  This week, Sivana was grateful for good milk, Ethan was thankful for movies, Anika was thankful for castles, Isabel was thankful for pictures, Melina was thankful for 2nd semesters, I was thankful for family and friends and Papa Bear was thankful for finally being at home after a week of constant driving around and feeling a part from his family.

The words are as simple as can be!  Some of you have joined us on Sabbath and have added your own "thankful for..." comments for us to sing to.

Hope you enjoy being a part of our "singing" that happened last night (which also happened to be my birthday).  

Much love to all of you out there and may you find yourself singing this tune with your own little things to be grateful for!

Confessions, birthdays, magical tears and some upchuck

You might be asking yourself, "how can all of these things come together?"  Well, it begins with two confessions I need to make:

1)  I am finally updating my blog because I am avoiding doing the dishes right now, and
2)  I have not updated our family picture on this blog (pretty sad given we've added a child in the meantime!) because I am embarrassed about my weight gain.

Phew.  There... I feel much better confessing these things!  Oh by no means do I feel better about DOING these things but I am relieved to not hide behind them anymore.  Seriously, every time I log into my blog, I smile looking at our family picture, then I do a sad sigh longingly as I look at the fact that I was FINALLY just fitting back into my size 9/10 clothing (had finally lost the double chin), then I chuckle realizing that I would unknowingly become pregnant within a month of taking that picture, and then I nearly shed a tear at the fact that our dear Sivana needs to be included in our family picture!

Yes, these are the joys of being a woman and running through a full gamut of emotions within a nano-second!

Sigh.

Hmmm, I am realizing I sigh an awful lot in my posts!

Next we have a birthday adventure.  Anika turned four on the 18th and we headed out for supper at Boston Pizza followed by the whole brood heading off to watch Tangled at the "big, big movie" as my little ones call it.  Thankfully we invited Grandma Jacquie to join us at the movie because as it turns out, we definitely needed an extra set of hands!

Our tickets came with complimentary popcorn and drinks which we kept at the opposite end from where Ethan was sitting.  Thankfully he could have the iced tea.  It is rather amazing to watch a two-year-old boy consume his weight in iced tea within thirty minutes!!  He sat happily on Melina's lap watching and slurping away at his drink.  Anika sat next to me dazzled by the big screen movie and the story unfolding before her eyes.  Sivana nursed happily in my arms and even sat watching the movie, too, until she got fussy and needed to be taken out by Grandma Jacquie for a quick stroll in the lobby before falling asleep and returning to the dark room where the rest of us sat mesmerized.

I thought to myself "hey, this is actually working out" only to have that thought interrupted by Melina whispering traumatically "EW MOM, GET HIM OFF!!"  Apparently iced tea goes right through two year old boys who consume their weight in fluid!... and down Melina's lap onto the nice comfy theatre chairs!  And apparently fifteen year old girls do NOT appreciate the lack of "coolness" factor being at the movies with their toddler siblings AND looking like they just peed their own pants, too.  In all honesty, she probably would have been happier if it was her OWN urine rather than her little brother's!

In the dark I began digging around in the plethora of diaper bags we have to bring with us everywhere we go (change of clothes for each of the kids, epipens, diapers for Ethan, diapers for Sivana, wipes, drinks, Ethan-kosher-snacks, etc...).  Would you believe that in this particular diaper bag, I was out of Ethan's diapers???  Off Duane goes to get Ethan a diaper (thankfully my mother had returned with Sivana at this point) and Melina was off to the bathroom to use one of those hand-dryers to eliminate the impression that she just peed herself.  Anika was happily oblivious to all that was unfolding before her and thankfully no one in the theatre was yelling at us (yet).

Finally, Ethan is changed, Sivana is sleeping, Melina seems less upset and we are all enjoying the movie as it builds up to a highly intensive part.  You can feel the whole theatre holding its breath in anticipation of the next moment only to have the big screen suddenly go pitch black as the theatre lights come back on.

Everyone was stunned and looking around like "is this a joke?"  Anika (who is NOT a fan of any movies being interrupted) turned around to look at where the movie had been projected and yelled in her sweet voice "Um, excuse me?  Can you turn it up a little bit, please?"

Needless to say, the whole place burst out laughing and thankfully the movie came back on, the lights went out and without further a do, we were all pulled back into the story.  Another minute in, (and still intense) the main character sheds a tear and it lands on the face of someone dying in her arms... very intense moment and you could cut through the silence with a knife... the tear fell onto the character's face and something magical began to happen... but before anyone could really "soak it in", Ethan yelled "She just made that guy all wet!"

Once again, despite the moment, chuckles filled the room.  (I am really lucky no once chucked popcorn at us).

It was late when we finally got back home and the kids were swiftly tucked into bed as we tried to wind down from the day.  At 11:00 pm, after everyone had gone to bed, Duane and I chose to relax in a hot shower... I know, I know... too many details for some of you (sorry mom and dad) but you have to understand that Duane and I almost NEVER take time to just relax together.  For whatever reason (maybe because we felt like heroes tackling all that we just had that night) we chose to just savour some much needed relaxation.  Afterall, everyone was in bed.  Well, someone begins banging on the door!  It's Melina!  Apparently it is not much fun for a fifteen year old to "interrupt" her mom and step-dad taking a shower... and apparently it's no fun for mom and step-dad, either!!

"WHAT?!!"

"Anika just threw up in her bed!"

You have got to be kidding me!  Up we go to tackle that one... Ethan is crying because he has been woken up, Anika decided to place her sopping wet pajamas on the carpeted floor instead of the bathroom floor.  Melina starts her bath and I (lucky me) grab the bedding and clothing wonderfully covered in Anika's vomit.  I am trying not to laugh as I hear Melina dry heaving from the smell as she tries to say "Mom, I can't handle the stench!"

Down I go to the big ol' shower (which seemed so relaxing a place only moments ago) to hose down the bedding and clothes before putting them in the washer.  I look at the HUGE amount of upchuck and once again cannot believe that my children do NOT chew their food!  There was a completely whole pumpkin seed!!  How do you swallow an entire pumpkin seed?  And why is she vomiting stuff she had at lunch??

The cat is still living in the bathroom and it is trying to climb onto the comforter as I am trying to hose it down.  I nearly start losing my supper when the cat starts lapping up the big chunks I am trying to hose down the drain!  I am yelling at the cat and now stepping into all this lovely mess running off the bedding!

Finally, finally, finally... the bedding is cleaned enough to be put in the washing machine.  I proceed to clean the shower.  By the time Duane and I crawled into bed, it was past midnight and Sivana was starting to fuss for her night feeding...

Understand now why a relaxing shower is a RARITY in our home??  Why "quality time" together just does not happen??

And that, my friends, is how confessions, birthdays, magical tears and some upchuck can all come together in one blog post!  Only in the life of a mother... only, only, only.

On that note, I bid you all adieu as it is clearly too late for me to do the dishes (evil laugh) and perhaps some magical cleaning elves will take care of them while I sleep!  But more realistically, I will get up in the morning, walk into the kitchen, groan at my own laziness hitting me in the face saying "wash me!  wash me!" as I say "looks like it's going to be another coffee morning".

Here's hoping you are all doing great out there and preferably tackling your own responsibilities with more self-discipline than I am!  And if any of you are out there wishing there was someone whose dishes you could clean, come on over!  Or at the very least, send some of that energy my way!!  God bless you all out there, stay warm on this cold winter's night, and enjoy a relaxing shower on my behalf... please!

And hopefully I will mustre up some courage and enough self-love and respect to post an updated family picture so as to honour our darling little Sivana.  Lovingly, respectfully and gratefully yours... amen!

Linda's Gluten-Free Chicken Nuggets

My darling sister, Linda, has been taking her health and wellness into her own hands for the last few months which has meant being gluten-free and dairy-free.  She knew that one of Ethan's favourite "treats" was the Ian's Chicken Balls that we would buy for him which ended up costing part of his education fund... okay, okay, more like $1 per chicken ball!!  My sister (who is the queen of living frugally) went on a mission to find a way to make these ourselves.  Not only did she find something that far surpasses the taste of Ian's chicken balls, she also made it a priority that the recipe be quick and easy... bless your heart, dear sista... and thank you for your diligence in finding recipes for our dear Ethan!!

So without further a due, I share with you Linda's amazing recipe.  We like it more than any other chicken nuggets you can buy from the store!  And we are now cutting down our grocery bill considerably!

Linda's Gluten-Free Chicken Nuggets

1 cup gluten-free corn flakes 
1 cup Kettle Plain Krinkle-cut chips (ingredients: potatoes, oil, salt)
1 tsp gluten-free baking powder
1 Tbsp oil (we use sunflower)
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp onion powder or granules
dash of pepper
3/4 lbs ground chicken

In a blender or food processor, mix corn flakes & chips until it becomes crumb mixture (not too coarse).  This should leave you with approximately 2/3 cup crumb mixture.

Pour 1/3 of crumb mixture onto a plate, add baking powder and mix well.

Mix remaining 2/3 crumb mixture with salt, onion powder & pepper.  Blend well.  Add ground chicken and oil and mix (either by cutting motion or with hands) until everything is well blended.

Shape into either balls or patties (we prefer the patties) using approximately 1 heaping Tbsp of chicken mixture at a time.  Coat them in the crumb mixture and place on a lined cookie sheet.

Bake at 350F for 30-40 minutes, turning over once after fifteen minutes.

Enjoy!!!

Because life is never dull over here...

Good grief, where do I start?  I am starting to think that if my life was not so chaotic, I would not be terribly interesting... but I would be perfectly okay with less interesting these days!!

First of all, we lost our PC just prior to the holiday season thanks to a lovely virus my husband received via facebook.  Argh.  So all of our personal books, our farm books, our pictures, my writings, our home videos... gone.  Just like that. 

You are likely asking yourselves the classic question that has been sprinkling this life lesson... "didn't you back things up?"  Nope.  Because just like taking a shower, spending time doing administrative stuff such as backing up hardrives, etc... would always get put on the backburner.  The rare occasion that a spare moment would come up, the questions were usually "hmmm, do i take a shower, do I try to make a 'backup' meal, do I try to catchup on the books, etc... "  As you can imagine, backing up the computers was seldom the winner of the many, many options.

And now I hit my head against the wall (while still smelling not-of-flowers) for delaying taking care of that.

So one blow... fine.  We can learn to live with that.  Thankfully we have our handy (and wonderful) iMac to fall back on.  Or should I say "had"?

Yesterday was no walk in the park.  We had an emergency doctor's appointment for Anika as we were suspicious of another bladder infection, could not get any of her pee in a cup for further testing because I stupidly forgot to tell her to "hold it in" while we were at the bank just prior to the appointment!  So we go for lunch, give her water, cut Ethan's meal I had to make before we could even leave the house to drive Izzy to school, nurse Sivana... then back to the doctor's office to try to collect more urine from Anika.  (Seriously, if I get my hand peed one more time, I am going to chuck that blasted specimen sample bottle at someone's head!  Okay, okay I won't but suffice it to say I am truly tired of trying to catch urine from a stream that is going in every which direction!)  Anyways, still did not collect enough urine.  Have to come back tomorrow as doctor has left for the day.  All of this BEFORE 1:00 pm.  I won't bother telling you about the rest of the day except for this phone conversation with Duane at about 4:30 pm as I am leaving the bank with Melina off to pick up Isabel before heading back home.  "Hey Hon... where is the programs CD that the Mac came with?"

Moment of silence as a sinking feeling begins to squeeze around my chest... "Why?"

"Because I've got tech support on hold while I look for it.  Where is it?"

Squeezing feeling getting stronger... "but WHY?"

"Because the Mac isn't working or even booting anymore."

Please, dear God, not another blow today.  Maybe tomorrow or next week but please no more crap today... please?

Nope.  God has far too much faith in me and I will certainly be speaking with Him about this at those pearly gates someday.  And hopefully He'll still let me in!

Anyways, I finally get home after a full day of running around only to chow food down and send Duane off to the other end of the city with our Mac hoping beyond all hope we did not just lose everything on there, too. 

Oh, what is that?  Did I learn from my PC incident and back up our Mac? 

Nope.  Not yet! 

I know, I know... you would think I would have learned!!  If it's of any consolation, I HAD ordered a 1 TB external hardrive for exactly that purpose... I just haven't received it yet. 

I really, really think God is laughing at me up there. 

So how am I able to update this blog, you might wonder?  Oh that is a fun aspect to this story, too.  We have an ancient laptop (and by ancient, I mean there are tiny people working inside of it driving Flinstone cars to make it work).  I managed to hook it up; however, I am currently watching the mouse cursor moving across the screen randomly as I type this, and it will likely take me about five minutes to get it to finally click on "publish post".  In fact, it will be my luck that I will finish typing this, try to coordinate clicking on "publish post" as the cursor goes zooming by only to accidentally hit "delete". 

So if you are reading this, I was successful in my physics skills.  But suffice it to say, I cannot check emails (at least not without spending twenty minutes just trying to log in).  The security settings on this thing are so ridiculous, I cannot open a single web browser window without five different alarms going off... DO YOU KNOW THIS WEBSITE?  DO YOU WISH TO PROCEED?  ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO SEE ITS CONTENT?  WE DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS SITE!  Seriously?  You don't recommend my own blog?  Sheesh!  And I thought cookies were supposed to be delicious naughty treats!  I have never disliked anything so much given that these supposed cookies are the source of my web problems!  Not only that, but I am positive I have gained five pounds just LOOKING at the word "cookie" so many times!  So for those of you who email me directly, I am afraid I will not be able to respond until we can get our Mac back.  Its hardrive is apparently toast and not even a tablespoon of butter can make that any more appealing... sigh.

I am trying to chalk this up to a lesson in detachment but when your brain is barely able to manage the chaos going on around you, it is such a blessing to jot down thoughts, calendar events, personal notes and to-do items in a central location (such as a computer) to then allow your brain to forget those things to make room for the attempts at managing the chaos around you.  I think that was a serious run-on sentence... (this is where I apologize to my highschool English teacher who likely cringes when he reads some of these hasty posts... thanks for loving me anyways, Mr. Kroeker!!).

Let us hope this finds you all doing well (and clearly with working computers if you can read this... hooray for you) and may this be your reminder to BACKUP, BACKUP, BACKUP!  Doing so is even more important than personal hygiene, apparently!  So before you brush your teeth tonight, do yourself a favour and backup whatever is most precious to you on your computer!

Sigh.

Hope this finds you all doing well... and now to see if I can win at this game of "try to click on the 'publish post' button."  Wish me luck!!

Adventures of a New Year's Eve

Another year come and gone...  I am beginning to think I am on some sort of ride called "Life" that just goes faster and faster and faster!  And I am noticing as I age that my stomach is becoming weaker and weaker and weaker.  (I made the mistake of trying to swing with the kids this past summer and nearly lost my lunch from the motion... gone are the days of spinning endlessly on a tire swing.  Hey, I have not even seen a tire swing in ages!).

Once again, my mind is offering you your own ride down "anywhere and everywhere" lane.

In all seriousness, New Years is often a time to look back over the past year at lessons learned, memories cherished and the occasional "holy moly... did all of that happen in just ONE year?"  (Said my husband once when he realized he went from being a single thirty-one year old man who worked non-stop to having a family with three kids in less than a year and gone are the days when he felt productive!).


And who said God doesn't have a sense of humour?

We are not too big on holidays over here (Duane made it known from the getgo that he would likely never buy me cards, flowers, valentines gifts, etc... but that he would try to live each day of his life cherishing me... I thought that was a more than okay deal), so last night was in some way exciting as it marked the turn of another year in the Gregorian Calendar but in another way... just another day.  One that included Duane heading off to a night shift at the firehall.

Hmmmm, well if the love of my life is not with us for supper and it is just me, the littlest three and Melina, then maybe it would be fun to order some Chinese food...

After a few phone calls, it dawned on me that EVERYONE had that same idea.  Given that I was NOT willing to wait until nine or ten at night to feed my family AND Sabbath would have long begun by then, we opted for another option.  Hmm, maybe Chicken Chef nearby?  Nope... memory served me well in reminding me that the two times we had Chicken Chef this past year led to chest pains and feelings of self-loathing!  No problem, we'll just whip up some noodles and falafels... there's an easy fix!

And New Year's Eve is off to a great start!

The evening progressed and I asked Melina to run to the basement fridge to grab a new jug of milk.  (I usually make her do this as all basements are creepy and cold and dark and ours is no exception... I know, I'm such a nice mom!).  Hee hee hee!  Melina is also freaked out about the basement, particularly given that you have to walk up to each lightbulb individually (in the dark) to turn them on!  Do you have any idea what an active imagination can conjure up in those split seconds??  Well, Melina and I do.  So the agreement is whoever goes to the basement has to sing really loud.  (Is this the part that I remind you that I am ironically a mother of five children?).  Anyways, Melina is down there and she starts yelling "MOM!!  MOM!!"  Now keep in mind that Duane is gone, it is dark, the basement creeps me out, it is dark, and now my daughter is freaking out about something... and now I must run down to save her from whatever four eyed beast she has undoubtedly uncovered!

I race down to the basement (surprisingly more courageous than I thought I would be) only to see her big eyes as she says "there's a cat down here!"

Great, I think to myself... maybe it can catch the mouse that has taken up residence, here, too!  What is this?  Noah's ark's residence??  So I listen... and listen... and hear nothing.

"Melina, are you sure it's not just your well-inherited over active imagination?"

"No, Mom!  I'm telling you... I heard a kitten meowing!"

"Are you sure it's not because you wanted someone down here with you... cuz that's what I would do."

She rolled her eyes at me.  A common occurrence since reaching her teenage years!

We opened the door from the basement that leads up an old set of concrete stairs to another door on the main level to see if a kitten has found shelter there.  Instead, Keeshka the dog suddenly pokes her nose through the upper door (which can no longer close given the shifting of the house over the last 100+ years) which makes me jump scaring the beejebers out of me (did I mention this stairwell is cold and DARK?).  I could not detect a cat but I did suddenly notice that I had to go pee!

Now let's go back to the 26th when my whole family was over.  My nieces headed out late at night clad in 80's snowsuits buried in our "treasure box" of excess snow gear and found a kitten.  A very wild kitten.  Another thing I should mention about my husband is his golden rule... NO ANIMALS IN THE HOUSE.  This has gone over well the many times Melina and I have found litters of kittens and sneak them into the entrance to play (and tame them) when Duane is working... only to be busted by the pictures I take of them while still in the entrance!  At which point my darling husband says "So glad to see that my rules are respected when I am not around" while shaking his head with a slight smirk on his face.  Anyways, the nieces asked if they could come in with this kitten so I looked over at Duane and he nodded but said with a stern voice... "but stay down in the basement."

Well that lasted about five minutes before curiosity got the best of me and I told them to come up quickly to show us the kitten and then go back downstairs.  Even though the little thing was frightened to death, it dug its little head into the crook of my brother's elbow (who could not resist holding it) and answered my sister's meow... brrr... brrr. meow!  For those of you who don't speak "cat" that means "Welcome New One... do not be frightened... we are your friend."  Or something along those lines.  But a rule is a rule and the kitten was let loose outside after it had warmed up (not sure if that is better or more cruel) and I sent out a little hope that Keeshka would NOT find this kitten as I couldn't help feel like there was something special about her.  Being so wild, that was likely  the last time we would see her.

All of this rambling to say after I shut that basement door last night, I actually DID hear a tiny meowing sound.  I flung the door open again and saw a little tail poking behind a hanging mat in the stairwell just as Keeshka stuck her nose through the door again!  (Poor dog must have thought it was some kind of game).  I creeked up the stairs and grabbed the kitten who did not panic but rather nuzzled into my arms safely.

My little brother has such a big heart when it comes to animals and I thought maybe we could nurture this little one until my brother could take her in and find a home for her.  This would be tricky given Ethan's allergies but we would do our best to nurture this little one without harming our little one!

Another bit of background info (man o man do I ever need to update my blog more regularly!) is that the past two weeks, I have tucked Ethan and Anika into their beds and have made up a story on the spot... one was about a little old tractor who was picked on by the big newer ones because they figured God had made them bigger and stronger but in the end, it is only the little tractor who can get into the flooded fields to save the day therefore God had made him little for a purpose!  Another one was about a tiny seed that asked the big oak tree when he would finally be big and the lesson of patience to trust that God would provide sun and rain when needed for the seed to grow.  But more recently was the story of Burgers the grumpy cat (aptly named after Burgers the grumpy cat on Youtube!) who asked God to help him make friends.  During these impromptu stories, the kids laugh as I exaggerate gestures such as, "and the seed grew... and grew and GREW and GREW!!"  They especially laughed at my story about poor Burgers the grumpy cat.  This story must have stuck because when I asked the kids what we should call this cat while we cared for her, the unanimous answer was "BURGERS!"

When Duane called at his usual 10:00 pm to say goodnight, I asked him to guess who was sleeping in our shower.  (We had setup up a little box & blanket with a few bowls with bone broth and leftover turkey there).  "Who is sleeping in our shower??  Should I be concerned?"

"Nope... it's Burgers!"

"Who?"

"That kitten from the other night!"

And to my surprise, Duane admitted that having a tame cat around the farm might not be such a bad idea.  Rather than ask me why it is being kept in our home, he said "Maybe we can set her up in the basement until it warms up a bit so Keeshka doesn't get to her."

Who are you and what have you done with my husband??  But a smile spread across my face as I imagined the love of my life thinking to himself "look at what my wife has me doing now!  Animals in the house... good grief!"

So for those of you who follow the Gregorian Calendar, may this find you reflecting over the adventures of this past year as you welcome the promise of the new year.  For those of you who do not follow the Gregorian Calendar... may this find you enjoying just another day in your own life!  May you be living every day for the gift that it is and trust that your purpose is being lived out whether you see it or not and that this scared-of-the-dark-basement mama loves you very much.  God made you and that makes you so precious... that His very breath of life is what makes you present here reading these very words!  Thank you for being His creation!  Thank you for letting me love you!  Thank you, blessed Father, for all that is good in this world!  In Jesus name, Amen.

A little too "Rood" for some!

How beautiful are all of you out there??  Bless your good hearts and the loving connections you've made to give direct feedback regarding the Michael Rood video that I posted!  Those connections ranged anywhere from those of you who said "kuddos for sharing! That was a real eye opener" to "yikes, Rita, we are rather concerned for you!"  The full gamut was very intriguing and has left me questing for more answers!  And that's exactly why I shared what I did... can it stand on its own two legs?  If not, then it is weak and cannot bring glory to God!

So I am proud of you who took the courage to connect with me directly.  I know some of you were very hesitant for fear of offending but I say to you, anything you say will be taken in, weighed heavily, mulled over and applied to the growth process... no worries about offending!  Did my heart ache in some instances?  Yes.  I did ache especially for my darling mom who phoned because she was concerned about her Christmas gathering scheduled to be hosted in our home today and the possibility of compromising/offending our belief system... (bless your heart mom!  And if I could have crawled through that phone to hug you and reassure you of how much I love you, I would have!!).  In fact, we ended our phone conversation with her loving heart expressing "well, that's just one more ingredient to our family that we get to celebrate!  Maybe I'll buy you a menorah for Christmas!"

I love my family!

And another dear friend shared a book her father wrote on the history of Christmas and an open invitation to have tea with him and delve into candid discussion on the topic!  Given his twenty years of field research in this area, I am really intrigued by this opportunity!! 

So bottom line, there is a part of me that longs to apologize for the harshness of Michael Rood's approach to the information to those of you out there who were offended.  I was so hopeful that people would look past the messenger to see if the message itself, the historical data shared, was of value or not.  If any of you are interested in a more "tactful" man who shares this info from his own perspective journey (far more loving in his approach BECAUSE of his experience with Christmas) then I would suggest Jim Staley of Passion for Truth Ministries.  Again, I need to reiterate that the first time Duane addressed this with me, I was horrified by his opinion, did not believe the background info and was very angry (quite frankly) that he dared threaten to take away from me something as precious as the family treasured memories of Christmas... So trust me, I get the whole "feeling offended!"

But a seed was planted.

And that seed grew and grew and suddenly my eyes were beginning to see things in a light I had not imagined before and enough information surfaced that I could no longer say I was 100% convinced that our version of celebrating Christmas did not go against God's requests and commands in some way(s)... enough that the conviction was no longer strong enough to choose to continue that tradition in our own little family (or not so little).  That realization created a sense of urgency in sharing that with you all for fear that any potential validity to those historical claims could threaten the beautiful faith I have been witness to in all of you around me as it felt that it had threatened mine.  And beyond that sense of urgency, there lay a loving respect for our loved ones for the choices they make and the journey they themselves are on!  BUT if we have been deceived in any way, I wanted to blow that whistle so loud that God's light would cast away ANY shadows that could blind us unknowingly in any way!

That is our family's journey, open and raw, still in the process... but shared with you openly every step of the way.  And those of you who love us and are witness to this journey... you have blessed us with your prayers, your concerns, and the information you've shared, pro and con.

So let me say it again... you have such beautiful hearts!  You are so very loving and I am glad that I can share with you the good and the bad of this journey I call "my life".  God bless you all out there, know that you are loved, that you are my brothers and my sisters of this world, that I wish you Truth and growth every step of the way... In Jesus precious name, Amen.

Sivana's kidney update

Have I mentioned yet how tired I am of doctor's appointments?  We have had so many of them (particularly since September) that I established a bit of a cross-referencing system to ensure dates and times are entered correctly in the calendar (both on the computer and the one on the wall).  Given the delicate art of balancing when Duane is home, when I need to nurse Sivana, when Isabel has to be picked up from school, nap times, etc... it is critical that we not make any errors with these appointments.

I applied this approach when Pediatric Nephrology left a message to say that Sivana's appointment was going to be on December 15th at 1:00 pm.  Great, it would mean finding a babysitter but we would make it work given the importance of checking up on Sivana's kidney issue.  The message asked that I call back to confirm which I did, repeating the time and date specified.

Eventually a letter was sent and once again I double checked the date and time on the calendar.  All was good.  We lined up my dad to babysit and the timing would be great... the toddlers would be napping, and given the two hour anticipated duration of this appointment, I could go straight to Izzy's school afterwards to pick her up, rather than drive all the way back to the farm and then back into the city to get her.  Not too shabby!

Lunch was rushed but eventually I got out the door.  Off we go to Children's Hospital where Children's Renal Clinic is found.  I know this hospital like the back of my hand given the ample time spent there with Isabel!  Renal clinic is in the same unit as Urology (which is where Anika was taken just last month) and a half wall away from Neurology (which is where Isabel goes).  Parking was a nightmare and finally I rush to the receptionist.  At this point, Sivana has woken up and is crying.

"Sivana Vaags to see the Nephrologist."

"Who?"

"Sivana Vaags... for the renal clinic at 1:00 pm?"

"I'm sorry dear, but we don't have a Sivana scheduled for today."

"You have to be kidding me... trust me, I KNOW that it is supposed to be today... I had a message, a letter, too!  Is there any way you could fit us in?"

"Renal clinic is not even open today.  Oh, but we do have Sivana scheduled for tomorrow at one o'clock."

And because this is more work than I can put into words, tears start flowing down my cheeks.  I had an appointment scheduled for that time but as is the duty of a mother, I dialed my husband on the cell phone, asked him to contact my specialist to cancel (with hopefully no penalty fees for the short notice) and put taking care of myself to the side...

sigh.

Well, I did sign up for this when I decided to have five children!  I just had no clue we would spend this much time seeing doctors and specialists!

Anyways, where was I?  Oh yes, the idiot standing at reception crying because despite her best efforts to cross reference this sort of data... I failed to do it right.  I of course apologize for the tears confessing that I really don't know why they are flowing like this.  The women are great and are probably an open sob away from wrapping their arms around me to comfort me!  Sivana is wailing so I make my way to a chair to try and nurse her.  The ladies paged the clinician nurse who was still around and before I knew it, there he was standing before me!

The poor guy had his jacket on and everything!  Now I don't know if he was leaving for the day or coming in but given that there was not supposed to be renal clinic that afternoon, my guess is he was trying to leave.  But bless his heart, he weighed and measured Sivana, printed off the requisition for more blood work and showed me how to tape a urine-collecting-bag to her (poor little girl didn't make a peep while we are sticking this bag to her nether-regions!).  He was fantastic.  Sure enough, we WERE there for nearly two hours afterall!

Sivana's blood work distressed her a great deal.  She very seldom gets upset about anything but holding her arm down while the woman stuck her with a needle (and dug around for a while), my poor sweet baby was nearly beside herself.  She started choking and I still couldn't do anything as the woman was still drawing blood (and showing no support or concern whatsoever).

When it was all done, it literally took about five minutes to calm Sivana down.  And even when the sobbing stopped, she would look into my eyes with big tears and "talk" to me as if to say "What the heck was that all about mom?  Did you see what that lady did to me?  And what was with you helping her??"  This of course comes out as "Waaa!  Owwww.... owww Waaa!"  But a mother knows what her children are saying... well okay, that's what I would have been saying if the tables had been turned!

The next day, I arrive to the real appointment and greet the ladies at reception again with a smile... "Hey look, I am here for the right time this time!  And I promise, I won't cry today."

They chuckle and before I know it, I am in a room with Sivana talking with the nephrologist about the blood work and ultrasound results.

Sivana has four cysts in her right kidney now... that is her good kidney.  Blood work came back pretty normal so she is satisfied with kidney function at this time but we will repeat the blood work and urine sample in three months with a follow up appointment in six months.  Ultrasound will be done again in a year's time.  Sivana will be following up with her nephrologist every six months for the next few years.

She asked if polycystic kidney disease runs in the family.  As far as I know, it does not.  She said it is not likely that it is polycistic kidney disease, but given that cysts are starting to form on the healthy kidney, she cannot rule it out completely.  If you do a quick google on that disease, you will see that it is less than ideal... the inevitable end result is kidney failure leaving the patient on either dialysis or needing a kidney transplant.  So we are hoping (and praying) that Sivana's condition will remain the simple multicystic dysplastic kidney.

And so I type this as Ethan and Anika continue to chime over the baby monitor in their room... apparently they are in need of water... again.  Sivana is sleeping beautifully (as always) and the evening is quiet with the promise of relaxing somewhat.  No research tonight, no cleaning up, no administrative poop... I think I will simply put my feet up and give thanks to God almighty for the health He has blessed me with all these years... I cannot believe what a gift (and rarity) it is!  And if only I could send some of it my children's way!

I send prayers out to find you this winter's night to keep you warm with the sentiments of this mother's heart.  May my love spill forth to find you, to comfort you, to hold you safe in prayer.  May your own bodies be healed, cared for, nurtured.  And may you think of our little Sivana tonight as she fills our home with her sunshine and gentle nature... our blessed baby girl... Sivana Grace.  Amen.

Before my very eyes...

I am sure that if you were to ask my darling Melina what she thinks of being the "big sister" she would likely look my way cautiously and wonder just how honest she should really be! Let's face it, when you're four years older than your severely disabled sister and eleven years older than two toddlers and now a baby sister, that is not exactly what one would call a recipe for "happily ever after".

But Melina takes on this task with a rich measure of grace (most days)

 She has recently turned fifteen and I THANK GOD that she has a level-headedness that I did not have at her age. I was unique in my own way back then but to think that if history were to repeat itself, she would be one month away from finding out she was pregnant...

Is it just me or is it getting hard to breath right now??

Instead, she can talk to me about unhealthy patterns of behaviour she seems to be drawn to in boys (ok, how many of us ADULTS can recognize this AND approach our relationships objectively??) and whether or not she recognizes that she is losing "who" she is in a relationship setting. Pretty astounding for a fifteen year old, if you ask me!

I still remember those early colicky days when nothing but the horrific rambunctious roar of James' heavy metal music would lull her to sleep. I remember the defiant "I DO IT!" and the endless hours of Barney. I remember finding her (after she had been a little too quiet) and her "James" doll covered by marker (face, lips, and tongue for that matter) as she looked at me and explained that she put makeup on. And then there was the pencil colours all over the apartment wall, the long trains she created with toys, cushions, boxes, etc... and there she was at the front, a buck naked conductor!

There were the smarties addiction when attempting to potty train, the tantrums in restaurants and mall, the wonderful looks strangers felt the need to give me given I was not even eighteen yet...

And yet, I knew I loved her more than anything in the world. She wouldn't let me cuddle up to her... EVER... but I trust she knew it in the ways that I taught her to use her imagination, to believe in herself, to take charge and solve whatever problems she had, and above all to LOVE no matter what.

The years have flown by and all too quickly I am looking back with yearning at moments I used to take for granted: the constant nagging to play, the begging to go for walks to the park, the bedtime tuck in sessions that would take nearly forty minutes of "unloading" about stuff in her life, etc...  Even the hugs and kisses have dwindled and I remember that strange feeling in my stomach the first time I went to tuck her into bed only to have her turn around at the stairs to say "you know, I really don't need that anymore, mom.  Thanks anyways."

Gulp!

And the realization that maybe she didn't need them anymore, but I did! 

Was it so long ago that I would take those long hour walks down the gravel road, pregnant with this little person who would change so many lives, talking to her about my hopes and dreams of being her mother and the fears of not being good enough given my age.  Those long walks when she would kick with delight as though she knew what was coming... or dreaded the non-stop verbiage that would spill forth over the next hour!  The many times I picked up my guitar and rested it against the little space that was left on my lap to sing to her... to give her all that I could in my short sixteen years... would it be enough?

And then just before turning four, an unexpected turn of events with Isabel's early arrival and high medical needs.  Oh how I missed her those days when every spare minute was spent at the NICU with Isabel who fought for her life.  Time at home was spent trying to catch up on sleep and pumping milk for Isabel and talking to doctors on the phone.  So much uncertainty, so many little triumphs celebrated in light of the fact that setbacks were expected in unexpected moments!  And then the next couple of years filled with dragging her along to Isabel's doctor's appointments, physiotherapy, occupational therapy, feeding clinic, pediatric neurology, child development clinic, children's special services, children's rehabilitation centre, special equipment modifications, etc...

Not a single children's book that we read to her regarding the joys of becoming a big sister when I was pregnant covered what would be required of Melina as a "big sister".  It seems as though a lot was sacrificed... and yet so much was gained.

Would the best of my intentions be enough?

And the young woman who stands before me today brings peace to the restless soul that questioned if i could do this.  She is strong, beautiful, wise beyond her years and someone I LOVE talking to and listening to (although if you asked her, she would probably say that I need to practice more listening and do less talking).  We are honest enough with each other and she can usually tell me if what she is about to share with me requires advice or is merely a "shut up and listen" venting session.

I have to admit, it's hard not to try and solve all her problems or to throw in lessons here and there (I'm working on it, my girl!) but in the end, I am so honoured any time she comes to me about anything.

And before I know it, she will be packing her things and starting her own life.  I will walk by her old room and feel that same strange feeling as when she stopped at those stairs to tell me she didn't need to be tucked in anymore.  I'll look into that empty space and pray for forgiveness for the moments I took for granted, and I will give thanks for those I captured and hold dear in my heart.

It is amazing how quickly the time, a life, can pass by your very eyes... and I am honoured to be witness to the story that is "Melina".

Bladder Matter

Once again, I have to shake my head as I take in the many doctor's appointments we continue to have (one or two or more per week since September).  I have to admit, we are not doing such a great job of selling people on the whole "go organic, go natural & don't immunize your kids!"  Yeah, that way they can deal with wonderful health issues just like ours!!

Well, I don't think it would be fair to say that it is due to our lifestyle that our kids are facing health issues but it most certainly causes us to stop and think, "what the heck are we doing wrong??"

In Anika's case, it is the reflux of urine from her bladder back to her right kidney.  This causes many bladder infections and possible kidney infections.  Bladder infections... we can deal with, but kidney infections cause permanent damage so even though our heart's desire is to treat her naturally and as free of antibiotics as possible, we are talking about screwing around with a significant organ and all decisions need to be weighed very heavily.

I always like to seek other people's opinions about these things, chew through each of them, discuss further with Duane and sum up to our own conclusion.  And boy can the opinions vary!!  Especially when your sources of reference are from one end of the spectrum (go-hard anti-conventional medicine activists to pharmacy-tech assistants!).  But I would much prefer to hear the full gamut of opinions than reside stubbornly in one spot.

We also met with a urologist who said we either put her on antibiotics for the next year at which point they will perform another VCUG to see if the backflow has corrected itself or worsened OR choose one of two surgeries for her.  One of which is to inject a sticky substance at the base of the ureter to prevent backflow... at which point I asked "but if it prevents backflow, does it affect drainage from the kidney?"  The answer was "yes, sometimes it can cause issues with kidney drainage."  ARGH!

Bottom line, summing up most of the opinions, one aspect remains consistent... this is her kidney we're talking about and chronic bladder infections absolutely need to be addressed!  The "how" aspect is the variance...

Anika's urine is very alkaline meaning it lacks the level of acidity required to kill off bacteria such as style="font-size: normal;">e-coli (which has been the main culprit bacterium for her chronic bladder infections).  It's the kidneys that play a key role in maintaining normal acid-base balance primarily through the re-absorption of sodium and the tubular secretion of hydrogen and ammonium ions (waste product of the metabolism).  Most of the bacteria responsible for urinary tract infections make the urine more alkaline because the bacteria split urea into ammonia and other alkaline waste products.  Sadly, when I asked the urologist what the link is between Anika's alkaline urine (discovered by the naturopath) and her chronic bladder infections, both urologists present said "there is no connection.

I was not satisfied with that answer.

So I studied, researched, etc... and stumbled upon a natural sugar called D-Mannose.  It is a simple sugar found especially in the bladder.  Safe for children, proven just as effective as antibiotic (and in some cases, better) and even safe for pregnant, nursing moms and diabetics!  I read up on several sites including a pharmacist's blog post which I was rather impressed with.  I was very intrigued by the mechanism of action (click on the link to read up... pretty cool, really) and ordered a bottle for Anika.

We also learned about the benefits of cranberries and ordered ActiFruit Cranberry Chews by Enzymatic Therapy which Anika LOVES!  (They really are quite tasty... what?  I had to double check, you know!).  Cranberries lower urine ph (make it more acidic), has anti-microbial properties AND inhibits adherence of p-fimbriated (mannose-resistant) E. coli to the uroepithelium (the bladder walls).  You can even read up on a neat pilot study on it.

All of this to say that we are making this last "natural" attempt before turning to the long-term antibiotics.  If this does not work, we simply are not going to take any more chances.  It has now been nearly a month and Anika has had NO BLADDER INFECTIONS!!  She had a fever last week and we feared this was another UTI but her urine sample came back completely clear!

We are ever hopeful that this will be effective but ready to fill those prescriptions should Anika be faced with anymore UTI's.

For all of you out there, be healthy, be loved, be cared for.  May your own bodies be healed by the choices you make, nourished by the foods you take in, loved by the respect you have for it!  Regardless of random hair growth, effects of gravity, and more "beauty marks" than a connect-the-dots compilation booklet... it is an incredible ecosystem and it sustains your life!  Be good to yourselves and may this find you giving thanks for the health you do know.  Much love (as always) and God bless, everyone!

Our darling Sivana

Here we are three months after Sivana's arrival and I have barely said three words about her! What can I say? Ever since that one post where I sent out an S.O.S, she has been an absolute dream baby! I had to cut out dairy and chocolate (oh what a shame) but as long as I stick to those two dietary omissions, we have the most contented little girl on our hands!

These days, she is on the verge of giggling. Right now, tickles and gleeful smiles are enhanced by that little coughing sound which eventually graduates into a giggle. It is such a delight to be witness to these milestones!

She is my baldest baby but oh she is so darn cute! She wakes only once in the night for a nursing and every now and again, she'll go through the whole night (and I wake up in a puddle... or rather, a milk bath!). Those mornings I wake up feeling actually rested only to suddenly be met with the pain and heaviness of rock-hard (man I wish they could still look like this post-nursing) breasts!

I apologize for any visuals this may have caused and will hand out donations for therapy once this organic farming business starts to pay!! Hee hee hee (sorry, Hon!)

And being true to who I am, I will punch Duane in the arm those mornings and say "Isn't it just AMAZING that my body produces ALL of Sivana's nourishment?? And weigh a tonne in the process?? Women's bodies are sooooo cool!!!"

(Please remind me of these statements post-nursing when this woman's body deflates into a state of "what-the-heck-just-happened???")

Sigh.

Wednesday we meet with the nephrologist (kidney specialist) to discuss her multi-dysplastic kidney issue.  We sent blood work in a few weeks back to make sure everything is working well given her one-kidney function.  So far so good... praise God!  Never a dull moment around here!

Suffice it to say that life is gloriously hectic but we cherish the privilege we have as parents. And Sivana has found a place in this family that just perfectly fits in the palm of our hearts... if there is such a place... now wouldn't that be interesting??  Oh good grief, I just can't keep my mind from bouncing around like a ping-pong ball!  Let's try this again... Sivana has blended into our family effortlessly and her presence adds a wholeness to our world beyond all these pathetic attempts at words could ever say!

And with that, my dear ones, I shall bid you adieu as I head off to bed.  Isabel's music is playing softly in the background as she sleeps, the little ones are no longer chiming over their baby monitor and Sivana's breathing over her monitor is indicative of a sleeping angel in our midst.  May you be greeted with beautiful dreams tonight or at the very least, a peaceful night's sleep.

Goodnight, God bless and sweet dreams!