Kiddin' around

We've got two new additions!
Maggie finally had her kids just a couple of hours ago. They look identical but one is a boy and the other a girl. Maggie has been busy grooming and fussing over them. The little ones have been wobbling around and exploring their world trying to figure out where to get this whole "milk" thing. I was taking pictures and ooing and awing over the whole thing when suddenly Molly came away from hiding in the corner with little Mabel and head butted one of the babies. which went flying! I nearly dropped the camera from sheer horror as I yelled, "MOLLY!!!" To my horror, she headed (pardon the
pun) to the next one and did the same thing.
Okay, in retrospect maybe it's a little funny now, but I was horrified at the time. I'm not used to seeing cute little goats getting head butted and flying across a pen followed by a distressed "BAAAAA!!"
We have since separated Molly along with her little Mabel. What a rude welcoming! Thank goodness we don't throw each others' kids across the room when they're born! Sheesh!

Anika 4 months old!

My, my, my... Yet another month comes and goes! Anika turned 4 months old a week ago today. It seems that with Anika, as soon as she hovers around another anniversary date, she seems to awake that morning with new skills pulled out of thin air.
A couple of days before her 4 mth anniversary, she lifted her feet and rather than just move them around, she deliberatly reached out and grabbed one foot. Suddenly the next morning, she has become a pro at this! Both feet now come up with both hands pulling them and she leans over to one side then back to the middle. A couple of days after that, she decided to attempt new sound waves with her voice.
Her usual deep and loud coos have, on occasion, become high pitched singing as though she were a dainty little songbird. Quite funny considering her size and strength. She nearly tears her entire floor gym off the floor when she grabs it as I pick her up.
Her hair continues to amaze us. No matter how long it grows, her little alfalfa tuft near the back grows higher and higher although these last few days, she is developing a curl to it. Now it reminds me of a peacock tail!
Her favourite blanket is the colourful quilt that Grandma Vaags made for her. She has been insisting on pulling it over her head when it's naptime and waits patiently for me to play peekaboo when she awakes from her nap. I giggle every time! Especially when she is moving around under the blanket still pulled over her face until she hears that I've entered the room... Then she goes still and it's like she holds her breath in anticipation of the "Peek-a-boo, Anika!" I am then greeted with a huge smile, a few excited kicks and her amused giggle.
Ah... The sound of her giggles... Truly a gift from God himself! Is there any better sound in this world that that of your children laughing? It's wonderful when she is in one of her moods where you just have to say a funny word like "pikatee-KA" and she giggles. And giggling is effortless when Mina is around!
When big sister Mina is around, she can't take her eyes off her. There is sheer delight between those two. And when sitting or lying next to big sister, Izzy, Anika always reaches out a hand to touch Izzy's face or her hand. It is beautiful what those two seem to share in a world without language as we seem to know it. The way they look into each other's eyes nearly brings tears to my own. Sometimes they've stared at eachother for as long as two minutes without wavering. Then Izzy smiles, sings her little coo, looks up at me, looks back at Anika to smile once more and resumes watching her movie. Truly special.
Here are some pics including pic# Anika016 where she has found her papa and beamed her smile of love at him; pic# Anika007 where she'd fallen asleep playing with her toy and slept an hour and a half still holding it in her hand and a few others that warmed my heart.
Mable, the baby goat, is now half the size of her mom yet still insists on jumping onto poor Molly's back. Duane has got milking Molly down to an art but my first attempt yesterday proved rather disastrous. Perhaps it's from sheer sympathy... I cannot pull on her without cringing. After all, I am now dealing with a daughter who sometimes pulls away from her feedings in rather unnatural and painful ways! Wish me luck in mastering the art of milking a dwarf goat. If Duane's massive hands can milk her (despite looking like he's milking a cat) then I should be able to learn this, too! Our regular sized Toggenburg goat should be kidding any day now. (I am resisting the urge to say "just kidding"). :)
We love our life, we love our family, we love our journey of faith and thank God almighty for the gifts each day presents us with!
May your lives be richly blessed in knowing you are in our prayers.

3 months fly by!

Well, it was this time last year that little Anika Joy's presence would change our lives. Who knew how much could happen in the course of one year??? Her presence continues to fill our hearts with gratitude. We are so blessed!
This home now knows the sound of her laughter and my morning just isn't a good morning until I've walked into her room to be greeted by her patient little self looking up at me with a big smile. I forgot how much you fall in love! I am finding myself reminiscing to when Mélina and Isabel were babies... And now Isabel is turning eight next month and Mina will be twelve this June.
I remember Mina climbing those huge steps to that school bus the very first day of kindergarden and the fear she felt arriving at school to have a teacher ask her what her last name was. "I can't remember, but there's two of them" was all she could say. I remember how much she loved "shusies"
(Shreddies) and her beloved "gwapes" (grapes). And who could forget that priceless frown and her determined "I DO, I DO". I remember the "mommy, can you play with me" and the countless times I said "maybe later" and now she is talking about boys and shopping and my presence isn't as wanted as it once was. The time flies by so quickly despite your deepest desire to make those moments last just a little bit longer.
And Isabel has grown so much in length that carrying her has become quite awkward. Those little feet I used to massage are now big and her little singing voice is much deeper. My little girls are growing so fast.
So I found myself rocking Anika to sleep tonight and praying fervently that I not take a moment for granted. I think of mothers who strive alone to raise their little ones and little ones who have no mothers at all. My arms do not know the feeling of emptiness because God has graced me with my beautiful children. If I could share that joy with all the people of the earth, I would. Perhaps that is my attempt in this letter?
More than anything, I pray for your lives as though I held you in that rocking chair tonight, too. You have visited my prayers no differently than had you been in my arms and I, too, pleaded with the Lord that I not take you for granted. And so with this "update" I hope you are all doing well and living life to its fullest, grasping your own memories in hopes of making them last a lifetime. How precious "time" can be and how magical is its capacity to store an infinte source of memories.
God bless you all on this journey we call "life".

Another kid in our lives

Praise God for the miracle of life and creation! No, we are not expecting another one, but we do have a new kid... Our Nigerian Dwarf goat, Molly, birthed her little baby yesterday.

It's rather funny because my extreme city-girl friend, Allison, was over for dinner last night and she is fascinated by farm life but very quickly creeped out and grossed out. Just mentioning certain things to her make her feel queesy. I told her we had a couple of goats and one would birth any day now so we headed out to see them. When we got there, we looked into the pen and just as I heard the tinest little "baaaa" I saw the little black kid wobbling on her new legs. Then Allison yelled "EWWWWW what is that???!!!!" I looked over and there was Molly eating a dangling red piece of placenta... I can barely type this because I'm laughing so hard!!!

So our dear city girl nearly fainted! She thought Molly was eating her baby. Never a dull moment over here, I tell ya!

Molly is such a good mommy and little Mabel is so very cute. Man, can those things baaaa loud when you pick them up!

Well, baaaaaaack to your day, folks! (yes, another groaner from yours truly)

Anika Joy - 8 weeks old!

Can you believe eight weeks have already come and gone??? It’s official… I am excluded from this “time” concept because it keeps happening without my realizing it.

And what of our darling Anika Joy, you wonder? She has been smiling since a couple of weeks after birth but now she is abundant with those priceless, toothless grins. It begins with her eyes twinkling followed by her beautiful smile. Her eyes are such a brilliant blue bursting from the pupil… sometimes you think you’re looking at a galaxy. Her awareness continues to amaze me. She is interested in everything happening around her. Paintings are among her favourite things to look at. When we are at Tante Diane and Uncle Richard’s house, we have to walk around and look at all the paintings.

She weighed in at 12 lbs 8 oz last Wednesday… a considerable weight gain! Our midwife kept saying “she is such a big girl!”

Anika seldom cries. In fact, instead of getting upset, she just gives short yells. We’ve been blessed with a few solid nights of sleep (from 9:00 pm to 6:00 am) but she still occasionally wakes for a middle of the night feeding. Again, she just gives a couple of little shouts to let me know it’s feeding time… quickly followed by a big grin when she sees me.

She has been batting at her toys for weeks now and she reminds me of a boxer when she swats at her toys! She even gets the rhythm of the toy bouncing back!!! It’s hilarious. She’s discovered her voice and we’re on the verge of hearing her laugh for the first time. Right now, it still sounds like a painful cough… but I know it’s coming soon!

She seldom accepts being held in a lying position – only if it’s almost bedtime. Instead, she wants to be held upright where she can look around at everything and everyone.

My heart can barely contain the joy at times and I find myself bursting out in laughter at her incredible cuteness.

Her presence is such a blessing and I thank God for the miracle of Anika Joy.

Take care, all of you!

Welcome Anika Joy!

Here is our darling little girl born January 18th at 7:52 a.m. weighing 8 lbs 9 oz and measuring 20.5 inches in length. Quite a miracle in every sense of the word…

After having mild contractions every 10-15 minutes from 2:00 pm onwards, my water finally broke at 11:15 pm. We arrived at the hospital near midnight and I was “a good 3-4 cm’s dilated”. After eight hours of labour, they checked again to discover I was only a full 4 cm’s dilated. The lack of progress was so discouraging and then what I feared most… my midwife looked at me and said, “We can’t make this a marathon, not with your water broken and risk of uterine rupture. We’re going to have to do a C-section.”

My greatest fear but at this point I just wanted the baby to be safe in my arms but the memories of the harsh recuperation after my C-section with Isabel left me in tears. I could sense Duane’s heart wrenching desire to spare this next step… and so we prayed. We surrendered and we prayed.

By the grace of God, the anesthesiologist could not come and start my epidural because the hospital was in the middle of their morning rounds. Suddenly, contraction upon contraction began happening and the pain so intense I could barely breathe through them! I could feel the baby being pulled down but dared not say a word in hopes that God would work a miracle before they whipped us off for a C-section.

30 minutes after the dreaded news, I asked my midwife to check again and to her dismay she announced I was 8 cms and ready to have this baby!!!! Within fifteen minutes, Anika Joy was born and her beautiful eyes so alert and her calm demeanor so welcoming.

She nursed beautifully and barely made a peep throughout examinations and pokes. She is perfectly and gloriously made!

Thank you for all of your prayers. The nurses in that room admitted what happened in that delivery room was nothing short of a miracle!

An update for our loved ones

The full moon has risen and lights up this beautiful farm as though God were shining a flashlight right at us! Silence hangs in the air like a morning fog carrying the sounds of the crickets. There is great peace at this moment and rather than send my thankful prayer to find you without you even knowing it, I am sharing this with you directly.

Living in the country again has re-awakened my connection with the earth and nature… I’d nearly forgotten how intense that could be. I have found the beauty and grace of God in His natural sanctuaries that surround us here, in the plants that grow, in the fields that bloom and the harvests reaped by those who sowed with faith. My darling Duane has had an early harvest for his organic oats and flax. I had the benefit of helping on occasion when harvesting would lead into the wee hours of the morning. One of those nights, the sky was on fire with the setting sun to the west and a rising orange moon to the east and a lightning show to the north. I’d spent the day studying seeds in my herbology course so to go from witnessing the miracle of a seed to the magnitude of an endless sky filled with wonder… needless to say all I could whisper to myself was “How Great Thou Art, Lord.” To create such intense beauty affirms for me the beauty in all of our hearts. Anything His hand has touched must contain His beauty, right?

Married life has taken some adjusting on both of our parts. I apparently generate far too much heat at night, Duane snaps his ankle repeatedly when he can’t sleep, there are some smells on the farm that just can’t be “washed out”, etc… With summer being Duane’s busy time, we seldom see each other except at night when we visit scripture together and thank God for our countless blessings. We laugh often and learn from each other and our humbling moments. He is stubborn as a mule, though! He cut his hand while fixing a combine out in the field during harvest and I was there with the 4-wheeler telling him to get on so we could get back to the house to clean and bandage his hand properly (he was bleeding all over the place). Well apparently taking 5 minutes to tend to a wound is not possible in the middle of harvest… so I nearly had to grab him by the ear to drag him back to the house. I finally told him in sheer frustration “If farming doesn’t kill you, I will!” For some reason, he thought this was funny.

We continue to challenge each other through incredible discussions and philosophical debates. It’s WONDERFUL!!! I can speak my wonky language of imagery and he understands. Even when I can only speak in hand gestures with sound effects, he understands! If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.

I am reminded of the first time my father met Duane. It was at my step-brother’s wedding social. Keep in mind that my philosophy is to get on a dance floor and dance such homemade moves as “the dancing cow”, “digging the grave”, “goin’ fishin’” and “the spin cycle”. My theory being that when no one is on the dance floor and I go out and start dancing these moves, within 2 songs the dance floor is filled with people who no doubt thought to themselves “no matter how badly I dance, I won’t look as bad as that poor girl”.

It works every time!

Even though I’d only known Duane a month at this point, I didn’t hold back on the humbling dance moves. My father sat across from Duane and leaned over to him and said “it’s a good thing you don’t scare easily.”

Hmmm, thanks dad!

But here we are, happily married and enjoying a life dedicated to farming ethically, growing our first child together and growing in faith as husband and wife. We are truly, truly blessed!

The wedding was wonderful… a perfect day filled with sunshine for our outdoor ceremony at dad’s farm. We were even blessed with a little shower like a greeting from above. We felt so peaceful and calm as though the moment had always existed. Hard to explain but the beauty remains in the unspoken understanding and knowing.



Mélina and Isabel were such angels as Mélina pushed Isabel down the grass aisle in her wheelchair. I wanted to be married feeling the earth beneath my feet so my girls and I were barefoot. These two have taken to the farm like a fish to water. Mélina has blossomed leaving her uncertainty/sensitivity/timidity behind, exploring the farm, taming the kittens, loading hay with Duane and helping him clean the seed bins, riding the tractors and 4 wheeler, doing laundry and helping with dishes. She is soaring and I have thanked God for the reassurance that we are where we are meant to be. Duane gleams with pride when he talks about his step-daughters and the two of us sit there at the supper table or before going to bed and complain about how much we miss them the weeks they are with James. I have married an insomniac so I have a partner to help care for Isabel on those challenging nights. And some of our best visits occur at 3:00 a.m.

My pregnancy continues to go very well. Other than a few serious bouts of fatigue this past month, I have had no other symptoms except a rapidly growing belly. I am 23 weeks pregnant and this baby kicks to his/her little heart’s content, particularly when papa is reading the bible out loud. I love this rounding belly and the gift of carrying this little one around with me everywhere I go. My hand is slowly becoming permanently attached to my belly. What joy to have life growing within you! What privilege!

So there you have it. A bit of an update which finally excludes not-so-great news about Isabel. We are blessed to report a nice, smooth span of time without any complications. She has doubled her weight and has lost a few more teeth. She has officially starting grade 2 this week and continues to shine like a bright star amidst her peers who love her.

Life is abundant and this multitude of blessings leaves me shaking my head in wonder… how could I ever thank Him enough?

So thank you for touching my life and for sharing with me this moment in time. You are loved and cherished and best of all is the fact that I pray for you all nearly every night without you even realizing it! But alas, I let you in on this because I want you to know that time does not constrain any ties I share with any of you… that you are timeless in my heart and ever present in the pages of my life story.

A Song for Isabel

I can only imagine heaven’s tears
As the angels waved goodbye.
And with determination you came to me
Heaven’s remnants in your eyes.

Baby, baby darling born to me
Life has spared you no pain
And though you cannot speak a word to me,
I hear what you say,

“Life is every breath you take
Whether laboured like mine or not,
And success is every step you take
Doesn’t matter if you can’t walk.”

“Beauty is what you choose to see
It doesn’t matter if you’re blind
The truest love is unspoken
Through prayers for humankind.”

Baby, baby darling born to me,
I’ve learned so much from you
Your sacrifice unites family
And strangers know you, too.

But hush my little baby
This pain won’t last too long
You’re wings are growing stronger
They are hearing heaven’s song.

But you do not end this journey
Until love has sowed its plan
You smile as life escapes you
Until you feel we understand…

Isabel is home!

At last!

Yesterday morning, Dr. Carson (Isabel’s pediatrician) phoned to say that Isabel had gone all night without oxygen and was sating at 95%. This was pretty good news to me! It is James’ week with the girls so he and Mélina went and picked up our Isabel and life has resumed to its somewhat-chaotic self. I was missing her so much that I had to stop by and sneak a few kisses from this little girl who was so courageous in the hospital. The bonus part was getting cuddles from Mina, too!

This whole experience seemed different this time. Isabel seemed different. It didn’t seem to bother her as much, and she was rather contented and not needing someone at her side 24-7. This was a real relief from our usual experience of scheduling family at her side, even throughout the night. She just seems like a “bigger girl” now, like a maturity has settled in and a deeper sense of acceptance resides in her.

She has come here to make a difference, I know that much. Sometimes it feels as though she looks at me and says “Learn from me, Mommy, and help the others like me.” Again, a reason I sometimes feel afraid of learning because I fear losing the teacher. She is so patient with me, with all of us, even the nurse inserting her I.V. The way that children are drawn to her as though they hear what she is saying… sometimes I wish I could shed my “big people” boundaries and truly hear her, too.

I tried an experiment with her a few weeks ago. It was the middle of the night and I was lying next to her on her little mattress waiting/praying for her to go to sleep. In the darkness, I could just see her little eyes blinking and staring out at nothing in particular. I was so tired, but for some reason, I figured I’d give what had been stirring in my mind a try…

Without changing my position, I tried “speaking” to Isabel through thought alone. “Isabel, can you hear my thoughts?” Would you believe that she turned her head and looked up into my eyes? A little surprised, I waited for her to turn her head again and resume her aimless blinking. Once again I thought “Isabel, can you hear my thoughts?” My heart pounded when she turned her head towards me again and smiled. A little taken aback, I waited even longer until she nearly seemed ready to sleep and I asked “Okay, sorry but I need to ask you one more time… Isabel, can you hear my thoughts?” and to my amazement, she turned her head, looked up into my eyes and let out one of her exasperated sighs.

Holy smokes!

Tears filled my eyes and through my thoughts I shared my intentions, my hopes, and my fears… including losing her. She kept eye contact with me the entire outpour and when I was done, she smiled and looked away. At last, I asked her “Can you teach me to hear yours?”

Once again, she turned and looked up at me.

“Isabel, when I feel as though I can hear children calling me… is it the voices of the children who cannot speak?” She smiled.

Some may call that coincidental, but I call it a moment that I will never forget for as long as I live!

Even Mélina had a profound moment when I asked her one day “Mina, if I could do anything in this world to make a difference, where do you see me doing it?” She closed her eyes as though searching Truth, opened them slowly and said with a maturity I have never heard from her before: “Children… sad children… I see you helping them.”

So maybe that’s why I’ve never let go of that big kid in me. I still lick my dessert plate clean (and any plate that had yummy sauce on it J). I still like blowing bubbles and bouncing on the bed. Sometimes I try to have a no-utensil meal which forces us to think beyond the boundaries of “normalcy” and resume to the “normalcy” that guided us as children. I still don’t like household chores (nor paying the bills) and there is nothing on this planet like the feeling of walking barefoot in the mud! Maybe that inner child is meant to help others in some way.

Dear Lord, I hope it is. I believe in humanity, especially with two young children who constantly remind me of the innate goodness in all of us and the stumbling reality of discovering truth through our experiences... good and bad. I look at all of you! See how quickly the list of addresses grows! See how you are a part of this, you are included, this entire network simultaneously being touched by one life and simultaneously growing in faith. That is what makes you my family. You truly are my spirit family.

How blessed am I? How blessed are we?

I continue to humble myself before the example of Christ’s love in our children of the Earth, and I will continue to humble myself before the honour He has presented me as “Mother” to these two beautiful children. (I will do my best to remember this very statement when I am cut off in traffic!)

Thank you all once again for your prayers and wish us luck on this journey (especially the mind-reading part cuz that’s a little outside the box – even for me!). I love you all and send my prayers to find you with this message.

God bless you all, my family!

Isabel update

Once again, my darling family and friends,

Just once I would love to send you an email saying “Isabel decided to get up and walk today and she wouldn’t stop talking and telling jokes and really… she’s just asked me how long before she can start dating.”

Just once.

But I should be counting my blessings that I’ve got something to write about at all. Afterall, not everybody does. I just wish I could tell you about progresses instead of challenges. So first off, let me tell you that Isabel has gained 5 glorious pounds since her surgery in June! After 2 years of being in size 4 diapers, she has jumped to a size 6 in only three months!!!

And other good news has been to discover that she has been trying to tell me “yes” for years by making direct eye contact after being asked a question. Good grief, has this little one been patient with me! It only took me six years to figure it out! In fact, last night I asked her “Isabel, would you like to have your bath tonight?” and she deliberately kept her eyes away from me. So I asked, “Okay, would you like to have your bath tomorrow night?” and she still kept her eyes away. Jokingly I asked “would you prefer never having to bath again?” and the little bugger smirked and looked right into my eyes!!! After we both chuckled about this, I told her she had to choose “tonight” or “tomorrow” and as any 6 year-old would, she decided on “tomorrow”; however, she is in a hospital bed instead… and I’m almost wondering if she is so clever as to purposely pick a night she figured I wouldn’t be able to bathe her!

Today was a long day. The process of notifying the school, daycare, transportation, canceling meeting/apts for the day and making arrangements for Mina’s pickup should things not be resolved by 5:30 pm was not only time-consuming, but also exhausting! We didn’t get to Children’s Hospital until 8:00 am. They took one look at her and her wheezing little-self, hooked her up to a sat monitor which showed she was oxygen deprived and we were quickly escorted to a private room and hooked up to oxygen.

As an aside - I think I will create an updated info document to bring with me every time we visit Emergency because it is the same questions by several different doctors: “Was she premature? What medications is she on? Has she been to the hospital before (at which point I chuckle and say ‘Yes, most of us are on a first-name basis here’). When did things start going wrong? How much does she weigh?” and my favourite… “Are her immunizations up to date?” This would really make life easier.

Despite getting poked for an IV and getting hooked up to oxygen and its oxygen saturation monitor, Isabel was in good spirits. I explained the purpose of her IV when I noticed her eyes staring intently at her hand. Her eyes followed the tube all the way to the IV pole and then she looked back at her IV and then to me and smiled. It was like she said “Oh, that’s what it’s for. I guess that’s a good thing, isn’t it, mom?”

My favourite moment was when I was holding her on my lap and the fourth and final doctor came in to ask the same series of questions (and was barely understandable). After he left, I felt Isabel’s head look up at me and she smiled at me as if to say “Kudos for not losing it, mom!”

The doctors don’t know why she needs the oxygen. It doesn’t seem to be asthma related yet there is no indication of pneumonia in X-rays and no indication of a viral infection. Maybe her little lungs were just feeling worn out and needed a boost for a little bit.

My writing feels choppy and inconsistent tonight… sorry if I’m not making much sense. But thank you all once again for being there. The most reassuring part of these types of experiences is when I come home to find a flood of prayerful messages reminding this family to count its blessings (which include all of you) and to know that Heaven’s song protects our little Isabel for as long as she is meant to be here and that none of you will ever forget what she has taught us.

I could never forget what she is teaching me… to love unconditionally, to accept our life path with gratitude, to honour truth and to live life to its fullest.

God bless you all. I love you very much and your prayers are a rain of blessing that bring me immeasurable peace and comfort.

I will let you know when she is home…

Pour tous mes amis francophones, je vous aime beaucoup et je vous remercie pour vos grandes prières et vos beaux messages. J’espère un jour pouvoir traduire chacune de mes lettres simultanément!!! Entre temps, j’apprécie que vous pratiquez votre lecture anglaise! J Bonsoir à vous tous!