Projectile Projections for Family Vacations (part 1)

I must be an eternal optimist, have no long-term memory or simply not have a terribly high IQ...

Duane and I decided to attempt another trip with the kids.  We kept it simple: few days in Grand Forks then a few days in Minneapolis, indoor water parks, indoor theme parks... life is good, right?  Not only this, but for a week before leaving, the kids all cycled through high fevers and illness.  Good!  Let's get that out of their systems BEFORE the trip!

Well...

Diary - Day 4 of trip - morning

True to form, on this vacation, the kids seem to be taking turns discovering a whole new virus causing them to vomit for 24hrs!  I haven't slept in 3 nights... It began with Avalyn a couple of nights ago who decided to "bless" my just-newly-purchased fancy pyjamas... and every towel we had in the hotel room... sigh.  I've been cooped in a hotel room for days now while Duane tries to take healthy children down water slides in the water park; however, ...

Yesterday, Duane decided to take all four kids (all of whom were feeling fine) all the way up ten flights of stairs to a "family raft ride."  With small children and grill flooring, Duane had to carry our youngest, Avalyn, up ten floors!  The lineups were huge, it seemed to take forever but finally, finally, finally, when they were third in line, Sivana tugged on Duane's shorts and said "my tummy hurts!"  

Duane assessed the situation to see if she could handle waiting and go down the ride or if they needed to manoeuvre their way back down ten floors through the crowd.  Judging by the look on her face, he deciding on the latter.  No sooner had they taken four steps did Sivana throw up!  Duane caught most in his hand, but he watched as some fell through the grid flooring to the people entering the water slide right below... unaware... likely assuming more dripping water from above... oy!

Down, down, down he goes with four children... vomit cupped in his hand while people are gagging and lunging away with disgust as he goes by.  The occasional knowing mother looks at him sympathetically.  Where was I, you're wondering?  This was the one moment I seized to have alone time... argh!!

But wait!

The whole point of the trip was for today, the last day, to be spent at Nickelodeon amusement park.  Sivana appears to be on the mend, but Ethan is complaining of his tummy hurting this morning.  Do we dare venture onto rides and more potential puking on others?  Is it sad that I'm so flippin determined to go that I don't care anymore if we do end up with a public display of tummy upset?  At least I won't have to talk to the poor lady at front desk again (with whom I am now on a first-name-basis)!

Argh!!!!


Diary - Day 4 of trip - end of day

Well, we decided to attempt Nickelodeon Universe at Mall of America.  Duane left after lunch with the little girls (who still weren't feeling great).  This morning, I clarified with hotel front desk about their shuttle to and from the mall of America, where the theme park is.  Their wording threw me off "every forty passed hour"... What the?  Every forty minutes?  Or every X:40?  "And which mall doors do we wait at?"  "East doors right at Sea Life exhibit."  "Right at those doors?"  "Yes ma'am."

I felt safe sending Duane back with the van because I figured Ethan, Anika and I could shuttle back later and bring supper with us.

Ethan wouldn't eat lunch but insisted he was well enough to stay and ride.  He's pretty self-aware so I took him at his word.  We spent four more hours at the park without any glitches and finally decided to pick up supper and make our way towards the East doors to catch our shuttle.  With relatively mild weather and not wanting to spend extra money on huge lockers for big winter jackets, we had decided to wear only sweaters.  Within a couple of minutes of shivering outside, I told the kids to sit along the wall just inside the main East doors where I could see them while I stayed outside trying to keep my eyes open for the shuttle with the hotel name on it.  It was 5:20 pm.

Well with the flux of traffic going through those doors I was twisting my head every direction making sure Ethan and Anika were safe, and trying to watch both directions for a shuttle, fearful of missing it... all with my black hoodie on tight around my face and carrying a big bag.  I either looked like a paranoid psychzophrenic or someone about to make their first drug deal!  Oh you think it's funny, but sure enough, 25 minutes later, cops show up where the kids are sitting...

I yank open the door and ask "is everything ok, officers?"

"Are these your kids?"

"Yes!  I'm trying to keep them warm while I watch for our shuttle."

"We got a couple of calls about abandoned kids.  It's good to see that's not the case.  But shuttles get picked up down by the metro.  You gotta cross the street and head down underground at that sign."

Flip floppin' frick fractor!!!!  (Don't worry, I didn't say that in front of the cops)

The kids and I politely excuse ourselves and race down across the street and head down some escalators to some shady metro station... If the front desk lady meant at forty passed each hour, then my little cop fiasco would have happened right at that time.  I see no "shuttle" signs anywhere and now fear that I missed the shuttle back up on the main floor!  Argh!!

I finally cave, turn on my cellular data willing to incur whatever roaming charges will haunt my next bill and call the hotel to get Duane to pick us up.

Finally back at the hotel, Duane drops us off at the doors and I start heading in with all four kids while Duane goes to park the van.  The little girls fight over who will push the elevator button to get to the 2nd floor for the umpteenth time while we wait for the painfully slow elevator.  I'm chilled to the bone and ready to chew through my arm as we finally get on the elevator only to look over at Ethan...

"Oh no, Buddy!!  Can you hold it til we get to our room?"

(Swallows uncertainly as his face turns more green) "I think so"

Stupid elevator door opens reluctantly slow as I push the two little girls out of my way and make a mad dash for our room door... Ethan on my heels... If I can just open the door, there's tile flooring right inside!  I scramble trying to get the card into the door, yank down on the handle just as vomit ricochets off the door and carpet... So close... and yet so far away.

"Hello front desk?  This is room 209... Again.  I've got another one down!  I repeat... I've got another one down!  I'm so sorry.  He almost made it but I'm afraid he got the hallway carpet just outside our door."  The all-too-familiar voice replies "Wow, it's just going through all those kids, now isn't it?"

I'll laugh about this eventually, I just know it... but in that moment... NO THANKS!

I run back to shuffle the girls inside while Ethan drags his lunch bag through the vomit.  "ETHAN!!  Pick up the bag!!"  Poor guy drops it and runs for the toilet.  

I quickly grab his "covered" shoes and start washing them in the sink when it dawns on me "OH NO!  Quick... Open door before Duane arrives and steps in..."

Door opens and there's Duane standing full blown in Ethan's vomit, a smile on his face unaware of the madness of the past five minutes or the mess under his feet.

"Oh Duane!!  You're standing right in it!!!"

All calm, he looks down at the squishy carpet under his feet and simply asks "oh... Which one?"

"Ethan."

"Cool."

From the bathroom, Ethan yells "it is NOT cool, Dad!!"

Duane heads back out moments later to bring stuff back to van.  Once again, while "momentarily" away, Avalyn decides to fart and I stop what I'm doing when I hear it's odd sound and I say "oh no, Avalyn... Did you just poop in your pants?"

All indignant she stands up and replies "no I didn't!!!"  But as she starts to walk away from me indignantly, I smell something foul, and sure enough, her indignant walk begins to look uncomfortable like something's not right. Sure enough, she turns around surprised and says "Mommy?  My bum is all wet!"

Folks... This has been a puke-filled, sh*t-your-pants kind of a day.  I'm ready to come home and trying not to fear the worst about the trek back home tomorrow!

Uplifting... literally!

Last night, I picked up my six-year-old son for a big goodnight hug and said "oh my son! What will I do when you're a grown man and I can't pick you up like this anymore?" 

Without skipping a beat, he said:

 "then I'll be the one to carry you." 

Gulp!  Those moments catch my breath in my throat... chocking back surprised tears... Talk about "I'll Love You Forever" book!! I love being a mom!!!!

Obedience, Bullseye and iPods

"If you love me, you will keep my commandments."  (John 14:15)

By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments. For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome.  (1 John 5:2-3)

I have often taught the children that the best way to say "I love you" to mom and dad is to trust the instructions and rules given to them from mom and dad... to trust that these are given to them for their good, not bad.  Giving mom a pretty picture that says "I love you, Mom" is great, but if you then go ahead and trample on mom's instructions or lie about hitting a sibling, did that gift testify to the truth?  

This reminds me of a time in ancient Israel when they were consumed by complacency and they would go through the motions of obedience but their hearts were far from God, trampling all over the very heart of His laws which in essence are to serve Him and love Him with joy (not obligation) and to love others with as much joy.  God would say "your heads are turned towards me but your bodies are turned away."  Essentially, any form of worship not proceeding from a heart that rejoices in the truth of His word becomes an abomination and He would declare "in vain do you worship me."

So too, acts of gifts and giving or words become empty when actions of the heart testify differently.

My children know that we seek the intentions of our hearts in our actions and the moments that these reveal a genuine love and trust, a spiritual rejoicing takes over... love becomes truly experienced.

I have to remind my children of this now and again, particularly with bedtime routines.  But once I ask them "how do you show Mom that you love her?" and they respond "through our obedience", a wonderful thing happens.  As I climb up to tuck them into bed and every aspect of their bedtime routine has been accomplished of their own choosing, their beaming smiles on their faces testifying to their excitement is enough to warm any mother's heart.  In those moments, it is my delight to thank them for gifting me with an "i love you" that reaches my very soul.  

True obedience is a gift of love, never given out of fear but out of freedom.  Otherwise one would have to call it something quite different.  Today, I find our culture is so afraid of the word "obedience" and ties it to a scary, authoritative brutal dictatorship where all freedom is smooshed and obedience is demanded and strangled out of someone rather than given.

Obedience is always a choice.  And true obedience is a gift, a freewill offering... or rather, an offering made of our freewill.  And when you know the gift delights the one whom you love, it becomes your delight and joy to give it.

Today, Avalyn was playing on an iPod first thing in the morning... something that is contrary to the rules in this house.  Melina (19 yrs old) and her boyfriend, Jared (19 yrs old) are in town and were in the living room when they saw Avalyn (2 yrs old) playing with it.

"Um, Avalyn?  Are you allowed to play on the iPod right now?"

Avalyn sheepishly looked up at her big sister and shook her head no.

"Then what do you need to do with that iPod?"

Avalyn reluctantly turned off the iPod and slowly walked towards the wall unit where these are kept.  She picked up a second one and stared at both of them in her hands, looking from one to the other.  The temptation was nearly palpable!  As she continued looking from one to the other, something seemed to resolve in her mind, and she said:

"I choose Yaweh."  With that, she put both iPods away where they belonged, turned around and went about playing happily.  Rather than feel deprived, she took delight in her obedience and even revealed a confidence of being freed conscience-wise.  Had I forced her to put it away or used fear to make her obey, I would have robbed her of fine-tuning her own self-discipline and mastery over temptation.  Each of these tiny victories in self-control is like working out a spiritual muscle.  

"My power is made perfect in weakness."  (2 Corinthians 12:9)

And with this I encourage each of you to trust that the laws of God, His instructions, are given for our good, not bad.  That no amount of professing with our lips that we love Him will compare to our delight in doing what is pleasing to Him... love His law, which is spiritual (Romans 7:14).  He will never take away your freedom to choose for yourself if you will gift Him with your obedience, but He knows that by nature of its design, it will lead you to a freed-conscience and a joy beyond measure.  God gifted us with His spiritual law that leads to life because its purpose has always been to keep us aiming on the bullseye, which is Yeshua... the very embodiment of it. 

I envision Him as a Father coming to "tuck us in" and our eagerness and excitement in sheer anticipation of knowing our obedience to His "bedtime routine" is going to put that big smile on His face... I want to see a softening in His eyes as He says "thank you for saying 'I love you' in a way that reaches the very depths of my soul."  Our Redeemer, Yeshua, has proclaimed that if we love Him, we will joyously keep His commandments, for they are not burdensome but rather a delight to give!

For I have not spoken on my own authority, but the Father who sent me has himself given me a commandment—what to say and what to speak. And I know that his commandment is eternal life. What I say, therefore, I say as the Father has told me.  (John 12:49-50)

Jesus did not come to abolish the law (Matt 5:17), but to testify and confirm to the truth of the life found within it... that our obedience may be founded on our freedom to gift it... our freewill offering.  May you be blessed by the very embodiment of God's eternal and unchanging law, the perfecter of our faith, our King of Kings, Lord or Lords... our Everlasting Father.  I ask this in Yeshua's name... Amen.

What Time is it Miss Avalyn?

My children are such keeners that some days I get worried I won't be able to stay a step ahead of them with homeschooling! Another thing that amazes me is how the two little girls watch and learn without my realizing it.

Sivana (who is four) and Avalyn (who is two) found the toy clocks I use for teaching time. I believe that the best learning happens when a child shows intrigue and interest. The girls clearly had this as they were moving the hands around on the clock so I figured I would seize the opportunity and teach them the basics of "o'clock." The little girls already know their numbers so the only thing now was to explain what the hands mean on the clock and how they communicate to us. In our house, the rule is "littlest one first" so this concept was easy to transfer to the little girls... "which one is the littlest of the two hands?" The girls excitedly pointed correctly. "Right! Littlest first so we look to see which number the littlest hand is pointing at. Next is the big hand. Mommy's going to teach you the o'clock rule... when the big hand is pointing straight up... show me your hands pointing straight up... you got it! When that big hand is pointing straight up, he says 'O'CLOCK'! So littlest first then 'o'clock'!"

We went a few times around the clock and the girls got it pretty quick. At this point, by no means was I expecting this to stick but to my amazement, Avalyn has been notifying me what time it is throughout the day! My two year old is better at keeping time than I am! :) Tonight at the dinner table, she said "Mommy, it's seven o'clock." "Yep, Avalyn, you're absolutely right!" She has been struggling lately with staying in her seat until the completion of the meal so I've been teaching her about self-control and obedience. Today, she did a great job with staying seated so after her clever remark on time, I added "And Avalyn.. you have done a great job with being obedient today. Thank you!" A big triumphant grin came across her face "Ah.. yo welcome, Mom. God fixed my heart."

I nearly choked on my bite! I had been teaching Ethan and Anika that no matter what we do in our daily lives, good deeds or bad, if these do not proceed from a loving and serving heart, we've missed the mark. I've tried to call attention to the heart of their intentions to grow in self-awareness. When Ethan swung a rope around and inched his way closer to Sivana until she got hit and cried, I asked him "what was the desire of your heart in that moment?" To which he looked at me and sheepishly said "My desire was to hurt her and make her cry." "Thank you for being truthful, Ethan. Can you tell me why that was something you desired?" "No.. I don't know why." "Well, chances are if you can't figure out the 'why,' you'll likely be facing that desire again. Until you can figure out the why, try harder not to give into the temptation of that desire, ok?"

Or on another occasion, our family was sitting in the living room with my Mom, and Ethan thinking that Grandma Jacquie was cold, grabbed a blanket and put it on her lap. I watched to see if he would delight in doing what was right or if he would look for accolades. Sure enough he looked over at me and said "Did you see what I just did, Mom?" I burst out laughing and said "Oh my son, you were so close! Should we put a blanket on grandma to keep her warm and be helpful or so that other people point out what a good boy you are?"

It is truly a blessing to be in this family and to help encourage each other towards living truthfully and with integrity knowing full well we fail but we never stop trying. The kids are even "good" at pointing out my shortcomings! :) "Mom, remember that it is not kind to raise our voices."

Choke that one down in the heat of frustration!! I've since explained that if I've had to say something more than twice, it merits a yelling. ;) They agreed that was fair.

But here we are with little Avalyn who unbeknownst to me has been soaking in the teachings about keeping watch on the integrity of our hearts knowing it is God who instructs us through His Word, as long as we seek Him diligently through it. For He alone is the God who removes hearts of stone and replaces them with hearts of flesh... hearts that walk in the delight of His law. (Jeremiah 31:33 and Ezekiel 36:26) Avalyn was brilliant in acknowledging that Adonai guided her heart towards obedience... and she responded!

I love the blessing of the life Adonai has given me. I love these little lambs He has placed in my care and their eager hearts to do good. I pray He can guide me to stay one step ahead of them until the time comes for Him to take them beyond anything I am capable of. Then, just like the jet packs pull away from the rocket, Duane and I will, too. And beyond telling time and gaining mastery over the desires of their hearts, perhaps God will grant them a wisdom and understanding that truly is, out of this world.

Blessings to you all out there. May His peace be upon you this night and always.

Avalyn's Sweet Goodnight

As I was tucking Avalyn into bed last night, she giggled that wonderful giggle of hers, jumped legs straight on to land on her bum by her pillows and said "Mommy! I want all fwee (3) bwankets... And fwesh water in my water bottle... Paweeeeease!" I smiled and pulled her up into my arms for a hug and my two year old pulled back, cupped my face in her hands and said "Mommy... You're my best fwiend!"

Every now and again, these moments make themselves known like an angel stepping out of the mist, catching you by glorious surprise and feeling divinely blessed by it.

Simple words but when spoken from the abundance of a truthful heart, their worth exceeds that of any worldly treasure.

Wanted to share the warmth of the blessing with all of you. God Almighty, I LOVE being a Mom to your little lambs! Thank you for this gift and privilege!

Sent from my iPhone

Ethan's First "typed" Story

Fire truck to the rescue we you we you we you we you o fire sssssssss  gos the hose done.

Sower of the Word of God

It was a beautiful morning and all too quickly it was time to get started on homeschool with Ethan (5) and Anika (7).  On this particular morning, I felt it was important to teach the Parable of the Sower.  So we opened our day in prayer, thanking God for the freedom to love and serve Him in our country... we prayed for our Canadian authorities and we prayed a blessing upon the nation of Israel.

"Alright kids, I'm going to read you the Parable of the Sower.  I want you to pay attention to the types of soil/ground that the seeds are working with.  You'll have to tell me WHAT you think the ground/soil represents and what you think the seeds are.  Ready?"

"Ok, Mom!"

“Listen! Behold, a sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seed fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured it. Other seed fell on rocky ground, where it did not have much soil, and immediately it sprang up, since it had no depth of soil. And when the sun rose, it was scorched, and since it had no root, it withered away. Other seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it, and it yielded no grain. And other seeds fell into good soil and produced grain, growing up and increasing and yielding thirtyfold and sixtyfold and a hundredfold."  (Mark 4:3-8)

"Alright you guys, what do you think the different grounds represent?"

Moment of silence as they contemplated.  "Hmmm... I don't know, Mom."

"Well don't worry!  Even Yeshua's apostles didn't understand so they had to ask Him what He meant by the parable.  Here's what Yeshua answered them:"

"The sower sows the word. And these are the ones along the path, where the word is sown: when they hear and do not understand it, Satan immediately comes and takes away the word that is sown in them. And these are the ones sown on rocky ground: the ones who, when they hear the word, immediately receive it with joy. And they have no root in themselves, but endure for a while; then, when tribulation or persecution arises on account of the word, immediately they fall away. And others are the ones sown among thorns. They are those who hear the word, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it proves unfruitful. But those that were sown on the good soil are the ones who hear the word and accept it and bear fruit, thirtyfold and sixtyfold and a hundredfold."  (Mark 4:14-20) 

"Do you remember how I told you that Yeshua came to teach the people the Torah of God, His righteous instructions, on how we are to live if we claim to belong to Him?"

"Yes."

"Yeshua came to teach us the Word of God, His Torah.  God told us His Torah is everlasting and unchanging, just like Yeshua, and that anyone who teaches contrary or differently from it is a false prophet sent to test our faithfulness to His word.  Yeshua is like the sower and He is spreading the seed of God's Torah, His everlasting Word, to everyone around Him.  The different grounds or soils are the hearts of people.  God's Word is to be in our hearts.  Do you remember how He promised He would write it on our hearts with His Holy Spirit in Jeremiah 31:33 and Ezekiel 36:26?  Can you tell me about the first ground, the path?  What kind of heart is that?"

"It's a path."

"What can you tell me about paths?  Are they made for people?"

"Yes!  And lots of people walk on them.  You can ride your bike or run."

"That's right.  If our heart is living to please people or ourselves instead of God, it will be hard to understand God's word... then what happens to those seeds?"

"Satan snatches them away!"

"Yeah... that's not very kind now is it?  What about the rocky ground?  What kind of heart is that?"

"Hmmm, is it sedentary rock or igneous rock?"

(laughter on my part)  "I'm not sure... let's say its igneous rock."

"Is it like when God says people harden their hearts like stone?"

"Hmmm, that's a good question.  Maybe it's rocky ground because when things get hard, like a rock, the poor seed doesn't last very long.  Is it always easy to do what's right?"

"No."

"Why is it important to do it anyways?"

"Because otherwise we are disobedient and that doesn't feel good."

"Well I'm glad to hear that!  Remember when we felt we needed to stop celebrating Christmas and Easter?  Was that easy?"

"No."

"That was a really hard thing to choose.  It made us feel different and alone, right?  Sometimes God asks us to live a certain way or to do things that can make us feel different and alone from everyone else.  And that can be really hard.  But do we obey anyways?"

"YES!!"

"But can you understand why some people, despite loving God's word like the seed that sprouted, would choose to not make changes because it feels too hard?"

"Yes, we understand because sometimes it is hard... but it always feels good after!"

"Again, I am happy to hear that!!  What about the thorns?  What's going on with that heart?"

"Are the thorns like when we want things?  And stuff?"

"You're absolutely right.  The cares of this world are the things of this world like money and things made by our hands.  You know how sometimes it's easy to make having a toy more important than sharing it?  And sometimes it can be wanting to look pretty... mommy struggled with not letting the thorn of being 'thin' keep her heart from bearing fruit for God.  Or sometimes mommy worries about the bills instead of worrying about sharing what we have with others.  It's when we love things of this world that can't be given to God, more than God.  What happens to His word in those thorns?"

"What does 'get choked out' mean?"

"Let's look at our garden out the window... did we get a harvest?"

"Nope."

"What happened?"

"The weeds are everywhere!!"

"Yep... it's hard to 'make fruit' when the weeds take over, right?"

"Ohhhh."

"But now what about the good soil?  What did that heart do with God's word?"

"It GREW!!!"

"It got some strong roots.  What would happen if strong winds came or if it didn't rain for a while?  Would that plant stay strong?"

"Yes!"

"Not only that, but it made fruit for God's harvest, right?"

"Yeah!  Like fruits of the spirit, Mom, or fruits like apples and stuff?"

(Laughing again)

"Good question... I believe the fruits of the spirit.  Remember that God is not seen because He is spirit so His fruit are fruits of the spirit.  Just like God is seen by what He DOES, His fruit can only be seen by what we DO, especially towards others.  I can't put love in your hand, but you can SEE it when I treat others with love, right?  I can't put patience in your hand, but you can SEE when I am being patient.  Do you see the difference?"

"So God wants us to be like a tree for Him?"

"You got it.  A tree planted by His living water bearing fruit in its season for His glory... fruit that make Him SEEN.  Sometimes the fruit can cause more plants to grow!  Wouldn't it be great to be a tree that can help more trees to be planted for God?"

"Yeah!!!"

"So what kind of heart do you want for God?"

"We want the good soil."

"Then I will do my best to teach you His word diligently.  You will know to test for false prophets, you will be able to recognize why Yeshua says what He says, and you will be cared for by Him because you love Him.  I cannot give you any greater gift than the promise of life through Him.  I love you, my babies, and you are His little lambs placed in my care.  I will do my best."

"Mommy!  It's like you're our shepherd but with God as our real shepherd."

And this is where I choked up.  I have envisioned standing before our Messiah and presenting Him my children, saying "These know their shepherd's voice... behold, your little lambs."  He has trusted them in my care and it has been a painful process of letting them go from my protective grip and trusting His hands above my own.  He will look out for them better than I ever could and having them know His everlasting word, keeping it in their hearts, is the only gift I believe is worth giving to them.

I have taught them "test everything... even mommy and daddy's words one day.  If what we teach you is the truth, testing it will reveal that to you.  If what we teach you is wrong, then you will have an opportunity to teach us!"

Today, I spent quite some time drafting another blog entry.  When I was tucking Anika into bed, she asked if she could pray over me.  I was so touched by this.

"Adonai, thank you for my mother.  Thank you for the woman you have made her to be.  A woman who loves you and teaches us about you.  Help us to do your word and to be good.  In Yeshua's name, amen."

"Oh my dear Anika... thank you for that.  I'm sorry I was so busy on the computer today.  I should have been more diligent in spending time with you guys.  I was busy working on my blog and finding more verses to share."

To which she responded...

"Don't worry, Mom.  You were being a sower."

Yep... water works over here.  What wisdom is this?  What grace is this?  I am humbled by this beautiful and unexpected response!  Oh how I have been blessed by these little lambs!!  It is my privilege and honour to share their beauty with you.  I praise Adonai for their hearts whom He prepared... I am reminded of Yeshua's words that we are to have faith like children.  I see it through their eyes!

Without having to question our words and teachings, my children continue to teach me.

May you all be blessed out there.  I pray that your hearts be handled by His gracious hand and made ready for His Word.  I pray you grow strong, deep in your roots of faith.  I pray that even if you feel weak, you trust the hands of the sower that love you... that you may yield fruit for Him who has given you life.  Blessings to you all!!

On A Much Lighter Note

To lighten things up a bit, I do want to share with you a cute story when we were camping last month.  We were set up in our park site and some new neighbours were pulling in and setting up "next door."  Duane walked up to Ethan who was observing the whole thing.  My husband asked our five-year-old son, "Ethan, what are you doing?"

"Oh, just watching our new neighbours."

"Hmmm, well, do they have any kids?"

Without skipping a beat, our son (who acts like a 50-year-old-man trapped in a little boy's body sometimes!) replied:

"Nope.  Looks like they're adult orphans."

BAaaaaa haaaaa!!!!  The logic was priceless!  Just had to share the precious moment with you hoping that despite the heaviness of recent posts, life is beautiful here... blessed to the rim.... and I cherish every moment.  I will never be able to thank God enough for the riches I have known.

May you be abundantly blessed, too.  Shalom, peace to you all.

Anxiety and Poems (an Odd Mix)

Hello out there!  I'm going to confess something... since mid-August, I have been suffering from panic attacks.  You know what sucks about admitting this?  For one thing, I feel weak in spirit.. after all, "perfect love casts out all fear."  And secondly, I feel like it makes me look not-so-good in the sanity department.  Cue the humble pie, yet again!  So why panic attacks?  In short, whether logical or not, I feel like end times are imminent.  And I know it's a time of horrible suffering for everyone, my family included, and that terrifies me.

My logic says "no one knows the day or the hour" but live life "awake" and ready, loving others without condition and ready to shine His light of love to all of His creation.

But scripture tells me we will be hated.  Hated.  This just makes me so sad.  I think you all know enough about my imagination that it can be my worst enemy sometimes!  Well I will not even begin to tell you the horrific imaginings I've had and the worst part is for whatever reason, I can't just snap out of it.

Every ounce of my logic wants to slap myself across the face, then terror of "what's wrong with me that I can't snap out of this?" gets me in a downward spiral.  Why?  If it's end times, everything will pan out according to his will!  He warned, "some of you must perish by the sword, some of you to prisons but endure with loving obedience to the end, even unto death... because this is how you will make me known."

Suffering.  Death.

Reading about the events in Middle East has me crying out in prayers of supplication for all persons involved!  Both sides!  Surely love can conquer all things?  Surely we can see that we are all seeking after God the best way we know how with our limited abilities and not knowing which scriptural authorities we can fully trust.  But we seek!

Can't we help each other in seeking?  Can't we all ask ourselves "ok, I am human trying to understand the divine.... chances are even if He lays it out plain as day, I will be limited in my understanding... which only HE can give me... so I must always be open to reason!"

I can't claim to fully understand, and I can't imagine taking someone's life because they don't fully understand.  Especially given that this other life is God's very creation.  Doesn't He say that vengeance will be His?  Are we not suppose to try to win souls?  Isn't His mercy His greatest attribute?  He is just, absolutely, and that's what makes His mercy when we deserve so much worse... well... divine!

But I fear the suffering and I pray for those who are living it.  May God Almighty pour His spirit upon you and fill you with His strength.  May you see your adversaries with eyes of compassion, for they know not what they do.  Even they are fulfilling the part of the script that must be fulfilled.

I found the following two poems in a box in the garage tonight as though I needed to find them.  Deep down I think I've always known these days.  I share them with you now.  The first one was my first poem written soon after I turned 12.  During the ages 11 and 12, I experienced this same anxiety from sundown til the first rays of light in the morning.  It was a tormenting time for two years and bless my father who patiently endured my tears, my fears as I tried to explain what seemed unexplainable and bless my mother who looked into resources for help.  At age 13, somehow it all just stopped.  I am praying for this same restitution.  Even if end times do end up being imminent, I want to be living my life in the fullness of my faith... not my fears.

Here are some things I wrote during the anxiousness I felt.  Strangely, the poems would come out as though it was an adult looking back on their life.  I never understood that, but chose to just let the pen respond to what was in my heart.

Alone At Sea

In my little boat I steered,
the ocean was nice and mild.
But when the raging storm appeared,
it went from nice to wild.

When the boat tipped and turned,
I'd get all dirty and wet.
But when the boat began to sink,
It was then I fell and wept.

I thought, "my gosh well it's the end,
my life was sad and odd."
But then I sat and thought some more,
and began to talk to God.

"Lord, my Father," I began to say,
"My life was so hard to live.
I never took, I never fought,
but I would always give.

Sometimes I'd stop and take a break
to try to think things through.
But all throughout the life I lived,
I know, you know, I knew.

So tell me, Lord, before I leave,
why things were the way they were.
Cause all throughout the life I lived,
no peace did ever occur."


The Distance

On the road I walked upon
so long and never ending,
I saw the life I lived those years,
and how they were depressing.

I saw my years of loneliness,
of tears, of hurt and lies.
I noticed that the moon was gone,
and the sun still did not rise.

Through the darkness I kept my way,
but shadows would appear,
from there I got the strangest feeling,
a feeling of coldness and fear.

From time to time a light would shine
so very strong and bright.
But other times it got so dark
that nothing was in sight.

Sometimes I wondered where to turn
for in the dark, I did not know.
But something deep inside me,
told me exactly where to go.

Watching all those restless days,
I tried but could not grin,
so there I asked the Holy One,
to forgive my sins.

And there I saw three angels come,
so I followed like a sheep.
We walked towards the kingdom,
and since then I rest in peace.


There you have it, my dear ones.  A humble post confessing the weakness I feel these days.  Just know that wherever you are, I pray for you.  I uplift you with such love, knowing that whether we have the same understanding about God or not, I know He made both you and me from the same lump of clay... and His breath is purposed in you and its purposed in me.  He will fulfill all that He has said He would, and there is a terrifying awesomeness in that.  And someday, when the end comes, we will be given perfect understanding.  The best part?  Then He will finally be given the glory and honour He deserves.  I ache to love Him perfectly.  I ache knowing that no matter how much I yearn and seek, I am blinded by my human limitations and can only give Him what I know while praying He will continue to teach me and reveal to me where I can do better.  I sooooo desire to skip the seven years of tribulation and go straight to the light of His glory... but He is a God of His word and part of what's coming is to get everyone's attention.

From the bottom of my heart, God bless you all out there.  If you are feeling anxious these days, may He blanket you with His promised love and presence.  Peace be with you all, my brethren.

Dream: Desert Storm Army of Conviction

It began elevated looking over a vast desert land... then suddenly, I was lowered to ground level and began being propelled forward.  In the distance, I could see what appeared to be a dust storm on the horizon.  Miles and miles wide.  I was propelling very fast towards the dust clouds and below them appeared an army.  Continuing at high speed towards the army, I could see people of all shapes, sizes, men and women. These were not arrayed in army gear, nor bearing weapons of war, but with a hidden weapon... the looks on their faces was of sheer conviction.  A strange word to use here, but that word was made clear.  In fact, it seemed to BE the secret weapon.

Conviction.

The resolution on their faces, the sheer confidence as they walked in a quiet faith whose strength marveled around them, was enough to give me shivers, even in a dream!  But the most amazing thing to behold was that it wasn't just people in this army, there appeared to be a heavenly realm... angels, if you will, marching right along with them.  A collective army of the earthly and heavenly... all of them intent in a oneness that spoke louder than a war cry.

The marching of their feet kicked up a storm in their wake.  And the sight was something to behold!

But why is the word "conviction" of such importance?

This dream also happened several years ago.  Just recently, when I had shared this dream with a friend of mine, she looked puzzled and said "are you sure you're using the right word?  I thought conviction meant being declared 'guilty' like a convict.  Do you mean 'confidence'?"

I became puzzled, too, because the word was clear but the faces I saw did not look like convicts!  I said "No, I'm quite sure the word conviction is essential but now I question the 'why.'  There was a definite firm resolve about the faces I saw and this had everything to do with their 'conviction'."

Living in this day and age of modern technology, we both pulled out our cell phones and googled it.  Here are the two definitions:

1.  a formal declaration that someone is guilty of a criminal offence, made by the verdict of a jury or the decision of a judge in the court of law.

2.  a firmly held belief or opinion.

I gasped!!!  I hugged my friend and said, "You have been answered prayer!  I understand it now!"

Right up until five years ago, I was living my life professing to love God, thinking my faith was strong, solid, growing, etc...  I was doing things that as long as I felt "LOVE" in my heart and "followed my heart", I was convinced (definition #2)  it was from God.

Until I started reading His word.

Gulp.  Let me tell you, if I had been given a $5 bill for every time I read a Torah commandment that made me gasp in alarm because it had been something I had broken believing such deeds were "good"... well, let's just say we'd likely be mortgage free!  The only time in my life I have truly repented, and I mean heart-wrenching sobbing for the ugliness revealed to me, was when I started to set aside MY definition of "good" and started believing God's.  Only when I read and believed Torah did I feel "convicted" of my offences (by the law of God) and they brought me to my knees in repentance.

God had answered my prayer "Father, reveal to me my hidden iniquities that I may repent and draw nearer to you.  Please Abba, empty me of my ego/pride... humble me and make me yours.  Take away my heart of stone and give me your heart of flesh."  

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you.  And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.  And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. (Ezekiel 36:24-26 - I Will Put My Spirit Within You)

For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the LORD: I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts. And I will be their God, and they shall be my people... and I will forgive their iniquities and remember their sins no more.  (Jeremiah 31:33 - New Covenant Promise) 

And by His righteous law, He has and continues to do exactly this.  For this reason, I write to you all firm in my "conviction" (definition #1 and #2) that the word of God is TRUE and ETERNAL and that by His word, we LIVE.

But I also write to you about an even greater and more powerful conviction... My FIRM belief in God's saving power... His DELIVERANCE through Yeshua Ha Mashiach, Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour!

By our convictions (definition #1), we can repent and receive forgiveness and salvation by His steadfast love.  The fruit of this salvation bears a conviction (definition #2) that sets our hearts ablaze in zealousness for God and the works of faith that declare His everlasting Word AND saving power!  For is this not why we were perishing?  For we knew neither the Scriptures (His Torah) nor His power to save? (Matthew 22:29)

The army I saw marching was an army of those who, through discovering the Torah of God and consequently learning of their "criminal offences" (declaring them "guilty" before God) were then deeply afflicted... and repentant... and cried out for His Mercy and found it.  Empowered by His Holy Spirit, they now hold firm to the truth of Torah as a way of life for a people redeemed and saved by its Author!  Yeshua, the Messiah, knew that the world must be convicted by God's Torah, so that once we accepted the guilty verdict, He could take on its penalty of death thereby saving all those who believe that the Father sent Him to do so!

"If I had not come and spoken [the Torah of God] to them, they would not have been guilty of sin, but now they have no excuse for their sin."  (John 15:22)

"And when he [Holy Spirit] comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment."  (John 16:8) - matches New Covenant Promise above

So this army, firm in its conviction, marches into battle knowing there is no greater weapons one can yield than the testimony of our salvation in one hand and our confidence in God's power to save through Christ in the other.  It bears an unseen spiritual armor such as the one that protected David in the face of lions and giants.  It is the front and rear guard of those who believe and bears the foreknown double-edged sword of Truth yielded only by those who have been trained by its wounds of reproof and discipline.

We are like unrefined gold found and redeemed by God.  He makes it clear in the Passover story that His redemption in Egypt is not because of any righteousness or purity on our part but by His grace for those who put their trust in the saving power of the blood of a Passover Lamb.  Then at Mount Sinai, God makes it clear to those saved by grace what He considers impurities and what pure gold should look like... perhaps this is the very gold in the book of Revelation that Jesus said we must "buy" from Him along with white linen.  But back to Sinai, I could just  imagine hearing His voice... "As a people redeemed by my outstretched arm, declare to the nations WHO has redeemed you by shining the light of my Torah.  Be set apart, be holy as I am holy."

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvellous light.  (1 Peter 2:9)

For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life, (Proverbs 6:23) 

Yet despite His reminding us that we are unrefined, we think ourselves precious and pure.. or worse yet, that by our own righteousness, we are made pure!  But the ONLY way to access the purity is by looking to our Redeemer who holds us in His hand, patiently waiting for us to say "Ooooh!  Thanks to your light of revelation, your Torah (which came in the flesh to show us exactly HOW to live it), I now see the impurity on me, yuck, get it off!  I'm ready to be refined and purified."  And the Father, who delights in our confession and repentance, places us in the holy fire of discipline (which hurts but only for a moment) and burns off the iniquities we have just acknowledged of our own free will.  And the process is ONGOING.

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  (1 John 1:8)

But the revelation of our iniquity must be there for us to repent.  Perhaps this is why Paul wrote:

"What shall we say then?  Is the Law sin?  May it never be!  On the contrary, I would not have come to know sin except through the Law; for I would not have known about coveting if the Law had not said, 'You shall not covet'."  (Romans 7:7)

He warns the reader that once you know about Torah, sin has a tool with which to tempt you.  So be self-aware and strong in the vulnerability that comes through the fruit of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  Because it's one thing to sin in ignorance (that's where His Grace shines through the Messiah) but it's a whole other ball game to sin AFTER coming into the knowledge of Truth revealed through Torah.  In fact, to do so is considered the only "unforgivable sin" labeled as "blaspheming the spirit".

For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries. Anyone who has set aside the law of Moses dies without mercy on the evidence of two or three witnesses. How much worse punishment, do you think, will be deserved by the one who has trampled underfoot the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace?  (Hebrews 10:26-29)

Everyone who makes a practice of sinning also practices lawlessness; sin is lawlessness. You know that he appeared in order to take away sins, and in him there is no sin. No one who abides in him keeps on sinning; no one who keeps on sinning has either seen him or known him.  (1 John 3:4-6)

For it would have been better for them never to have known the way of righteousness than after knowing it to turn back from the holy commandment delivered to them. What the true proverb says has happened to them:“The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire."  (2 Peter 2:21-22)

For it is impossible, (in the case of those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, and then have fallen away) to restore them again to repentance, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt.  (Hebrews 6:4-6) 

The times of ignorance God overlooked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent, because he has fixed a day on which he will judge the world in righteousness by a man whom he has appointed.  (Acts 17:30) 

Formerly, when you (Gentiles) did not know God, you were enslaved to those that by nature are not gods. But now that you have come to know God, or rather to be known by God, how can you turn back again to the weak and worthless elementary principles of the world, whose slaves you want to be once more?  (Galatians 4:8-9)

Despite the pain of revelation through Torah, my prayer for you is the profound joy of being cleansed by its discipline so that it is your face seen marching into victory for your conviction.  And that the heavenly realm can march right alongside you declaring that through the Messiah all things, both earthly and heavenly, are reconciled to God!

For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.  (Colossians 1:19-20)

And I leave you with the following encouragement that by upholding God's righteous law, we declare WHO has redeemed us, WHO is disciplining us by it, WHO has forgiven us by the sins revealed/confessed through it, and WHO has crowned us by His righteousness... that in your brokenness, you recognize the hands that mend you... so that you may breath the most heartfelt "hallelujah."

In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?  “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him.  For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.”  (quoting Proverbs 3:11)  It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons... For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.  (Hebrews 12:4-11)

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.  (2 Corinthians 7:10) 

Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O Lord, and whom you teach out of your law, to give him rest from days of trouble, until a pit is dug for the wicked.  For the Lord will not forsake his people; he will not abandon his heritage; for justice will return to the righteous, and all the upright in heart will follow it.  (Psalms 94:12-15)