Strangely quiet

Well, I am typing while the house is creepishly quiet...

The fact that I could type that sentence without a single interruption is strange. I don't hear Anika's voice (that is CONSTANTLY rattling off about something). I don't hear Ethan grunting or yelling about an obstacle he is in the process of conquering. Isabel's movie is not needing to be restarted and Melina is not listening to music too loud...

The reason being is that John & Amy have come by this morning to take my two little darlings for the WHOLE DAY. Yes, the whole day. Now the kids have had mornings and/or afternoons away from me, but they have typically been at home with dad or Melina or John while I was running errands. But this is like camp-day... away from home. Now I am in this big old house by myself without the incessant noises that I sometimes CRY to have relief from.

And here it is... and it sucks.

Well, okay maybe it doesn't suck completely. But it doesn't feel quite right either. What will I do with myself when I start tasks without them getting interrupted every two to five minutes? My brain can actually focus on ONE thing and possibly complete it in a timely fashion?? I can do laundry without setting the "lock controls" buttons to keep Ethan from sanitizing my delicates?? This is a foreign concept to me...

What surprises me most is the panic that wants to take over regarding Ethan's allergies, the different environments he'll be in that I won't be able to scope out like a body guard, or the hugs they'll need if they fall and get a "bonk" or simply feel grumpy and want "cuddles on da walking chair" (as Ethan calls it).

Now don't get me wrong. I trust John and Amy with the two little ones more than I trust anyone else outside our immediate family. They have both resided within our home and have seen how the kitchen is organized for allergen-free utensils and handling rules, what gets cleaned vs sanitized, where allergens are kept, which cups are strictly for Ethan, how he scratches at his nose and mouth when he has ingested contaminated food, etc... They are familiar with the constant mental alertness needed when you pick up a knife on the counter to cut a piece of apple for Ethan and remember if it has touched anything potentially dangerous. Right down to whether or not you washed your hands before picking up that apple, too. They are familiar with that constant alertness and that is why I trust them.

But it is still so scary sometimes to let go and not be the Sargent in charge of all that comes near your highly allergic child! Even I make mistakes at times and my mind is never idle from the constant safety inquisition that follows my every move and every decision! How does one get away from that?

Duane and I were remembering our honeymoon at Blue Lake, Ontario and how wonderful it was to spend a few days camping. Just the wonderful time together was something that brought some renewed peace to my heart. It has been so long since we have had more than a few hours together. As we chatted with our heads on our pillows before falling asleep the other night, he said to me "I wish more than anything that I could surprise you with a two-night getaway at Blue Lake again. But I am too afraid of leaving the kids, particularly Ethan. I am constantly worried about using the wrong utensil, or pot, or not having grabbed the right container of food... how am I supposed to feel safe trusting anyone else with that?"

So perhaps John and Amy have blessed us with more than just a day of peace and quiet. Perhaps they are training our hearts and our minds to let go just a little bit so we can find peace in the possibility of a getaway some day. It may not happen for many years, but at least the thought process can shift from "never" to "maybe someday."

And that is a huge gift.

So thank you, John and Amy, for the ways you have blessed our lives. For actually wanting to be around when there are mountains of laundry to fold, kids whining and spilling apple juice on the floor, more poop to deal with than should be humanly possible and the mental exhaustion of staying on top of allergies, discipline, and other things. You have been such a gift to our family and we love you very much.

So my closing prayer for all of you out there is this: that you also be blessed with that certain someone or several someones who just seem to hone in on those S.O.S signals you did not even realize you were sending out... that in the moments of feeling alone in your struggles, you are given the light of hope from faith (whether your own or through someone else's)... and that you are able to let go of the fears that keep you from "living"... even if you think those fears are justifiable! God bless you all out there!

Alright laundry, here I come!

God's coming over!

Friday is busy with the hubbub of preparing for our "Sabbath" - cleaning the house, getting meals prepared for the next twenty-four hours, dealing with business, etc... Needless to say, the day is literally "a buzz" as we prepare to "meet with God" on His appointed day of gloriously anticipated rest!

Today is no exception (in fact, I am walking away from a sink full of dishes and kids yelling for my attention so I can quickly jot down what happened not even two minutes ago!).

Because the house is not always the most tidy house in the neighbourhood, anytime I am doing a thorough job of cleaning, Anika has learned to ask me "Mommy, who's coming over?" Sad, yes I know, that a clean state of house is recognized by my children as someone's coming over or preparing for Sabbath.

Today, as we are busy cleaning, Anika walked up to me once again and asked "Who's coming over?" In my cleverness (or what I thought was clever), I answered "God!"

"God is coming over???"

"Yep! He's going to be with us for all of Sabbath!"

"God's coming to our house??"

"Yes!"

And she went back to playing rather fascinated by our anticipated guest. I was quickly distracted with my tasks once more and did a quick remaining "inventory of tasks" in my head nearly missing the van driving into our driveway.

One of Duane's customers was coming by to pick up some Bio-Ag products and I was nervous about helping him as I don't know where Duane keeps his inventory of products nor their prices nor how to invoice the customers. I much prefer that he handle that task and I just gladly feed any of them who came a long ways out.

Duane is busily cutting hay several miles away from home and he is not answering his cell to help me locate this customer's order... gulp!

I welcomed the man into our home and chatted with him and was quite relieved that he remembered where the products were from the last order. PHEW! Anika watched him a few feet away and I was surprised that she didn't bombard him with questions or to point out the pretty dress she had on!

After this man left, she looked at me with awe and said "Was that God?"

And in my very fit of laughter, I had to come and share with you how wonderful a child's perspective is on the world and how "clever" remarks can come back and bite you with a good dose of humour!

Deeper and deeper in love

First and foremost, I would like to thank you for the freedom I have discovered since my last post. Perhaps it was owning up to my part in the struggle that finally gave me permission to "let go" of something or maybe it was feeling a sense of confession that allowed me a self-permission to set this issue free... either way, I am taking deeper breaths and feeling like someone hit the slow-motion button on my life... and I am LOVING IT!

The true test will be the next time my ex and I have a disagreement. I will let you know if this new-found peace will permeate the situation and offer us both some new standing ground from which to work with. Wouldn't that just be great?

Your prayers, your advice, your love and encouragement are so very much appreciated. It still humbles me beyond words (yes, even I can be speechless at times) how many of you are out there taking the time to read these thoughts of mine... absolutely amazing to me!

And now on to sharing what has been on my heart since Saturday, which has delightfully been my beloved husband.

One of my favourite things about having finally discovered my soul mate is the process (or rather the gift) of getting to know him more and more. It seems so cliche to say that I love him more today than I did yesterday but it's true! Unless I have asked for his help in getting rid of the fluttering moth at my feet while I am rendered helpless trying to poor slow honey into my measuring cup and he decides to yell that it has gone up my pant leg instead... at which point I scream, drop the glass jar of honey - an allergen for Ethan, might I add - only to discover him laughing hysterically... in those moments I forget that I love him more today than I did yesterday. (If my high school teacher is still reading these posts, I greatly apologize for the huge run-on-sentence... hee hee hee!) But usually thirty minutes later, I can smile (mostly) and recall that even those moments make me love him more... either that or I have a really poor memory!

Our latest indulgence is sitting out on our newly screened in front porch and just visiting together as we watch the swarm of mosquitoes try desperately to reach the fresh blood they can smell through the screen.. ha ha, take that mosquitoes! The sound of nature around us is peaceful, the cool breeze is refreshing and the fresh air sets the mood for cottage relaxation. What better environment to enjoy each others' company??

Saturday night was no exception. It was one of those rare occasions when Duane had more to say than I did! And the stories he shared of his childhood left me grinning ear to ear falling more in love with the man before me and the family that helped shape the character that is "Duane".

He told me about Rocket, a steer he helped raise when he was a young teenager. Duane is an only son and he and his father shared an inseparable bond right from the start. If you knew Duane's father, you would know that he is a man of few words (or at least as I have known him, but I hear that others might smile at themselves and beg to differ!), of calm disposition (despite his great size) and a work ethic that could put the hardest working among us to shame! Duane's father is nearly fifty years his senior but that never once kept those two from knowing each other through and through. This was evident in how Duane could tell how far to move the hay bale wagon or the grain trucks just by looking at his father's face! They shared an unspoken language, or rather a "knowing" between them that is beautiful in my mind to have been witness to.

Well, this Rocket was a fiery little calf and he would leap about the cow pen but would always settle down when Duane would enter the pen. Not only would he settle down, but he would seek Duane out and nuzzle him similarly to the way a horse would! Duane even recalls Rocket lying on the ground and letting Duane climb onto his back and he would get up and strut around proudly with Duane as his little cowboy!

But alas, the day came to sort the fat cows from the lean for processing and to Duane's surprise, this meant watching Rocket make his way with the others who would be processed for human consumption... It was a harsh reality check for a young man who forgot that even the animals most unique in character, the ones that even touch your heart, continue on in the circle of life.

Not an easy lesson for anyone to learn!! I still shed tears when the chickens get their heads cut off! But somehow there is greater peace in being part of the process and knowing it is being done with appreciation for the animal's life than to imagine a cold, dark, machine operated plant that takes these animals' lives without a second thought...

Alright, so the slaughtering of sweet animals was NOT what I appreciated about my conversation with Duane on Saturday but rather learning more about his heart's appreciation for God's creation, His animals and our responsibility to care for them ethically and responsibly.

And the last story that touched my heart and made me love him more deeply was the one when his father had broken his hip. Duane was in his mid-twenties and he and his mother were the only family members left at the farm to care for dad. Duane didn't even think twice about taking over the responsibilities of the farm making sure that his parents did not have anything to worry about. But one day, Duane was in the barn processing cattle (giving their shots, castrating the bulls, etc...) and dad decided to sit in the barn and watch. Dad could barely make his way to the barn door let alone open it to let the cattle through and Duane couldn't figure out why his father was sitting there watching him...

until he finally asked him "Dad, why are you here?" And his father plainly answered "Because I like to watch you."

Duane couldn't understand why his father would want to just sit and watch him... until now.

He said to me "I look at Ethan and already know that I, too, will want to just enjoy watching him work. I finally understand what my dad meant."

And with that, we welcomed a father's day the next day with a new appreciation for my husband's role as a father to our children and a deeper appreciation for the love our fathers have had for us.

I pray that you all had good fathers in your own lives, or at least good fatherly figures. If not, I pray that our Heavenly Father has been or can be the rock in your life that loves you as you are MEANT to be loved. And if you are a father reading this, I pray for your sanctified role in the lives of your wife/partner and your children. Bless you all out there and praise be to God for the Father He is to all of us!

And to my husband - thank you for letting me "know" you and the many ways you fill my heart! And for graciously giving your permission to share who you are with all those who share in our lives through this blog. My heart is forever yours, my love.

Looking in the mirror

Do you ever look in the mirror and think “yikes... not what I’d like it to be but hey, it’s me, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Maybe you even have some of those days where you look in the mirror and think “Hey, not too shabby... woo hoo!” Or even the opposite where you catch a quick glimpse, keep on walking and before you know it, there are tears rolling down your cheek as you think “Who the heck was that? That is NOT me!”

Basically, do you have your good and bad days regarding feeling peaceful about who you ARE?

The last few years, I have had the “Who the heck is that?” when looking in the mirror of my soul. I do not recognize the soul starring back at me these days and I am not sure how to fix that... just yet.

Hence my reaching out to you all. This post will mean revealing what I find “ugly” about my soul these days which means some of you may not feel comfortable with what I will be sharing. Having said that, I am reaching out in that vulnerability seeking your help through prayer or advice on how to beautify my soul so that our Father may look upon it and be praised by what He sees.

My sister (whom I think is oh so wise) shared with me the wisdom she has learned over the years. She has reminded me that God is in ALL things, even our enemies. In fact, I have come to the conclusion that God is perhaps MORE in our enemies than in our friends and loved ones... after all, when He asked us to love one another, He did not imply only those whom are easy to love! Even Jesus in those moments of being hated by those whom He had come to save... knowing even that Judas would betray him... He never once treated Judas or those who would condemn Him with caution or edge. He was loving, forgiving and willingly exposed to those who would hurt Him the most.

Even the symbol of the crucifixion is an incredibly visual representation of that vulnerability. What position leaves you more exposed than that of having your arms spread apart revealing direct access to your heart?

Once upon a time, I knew that position. And the beauty of “knowing” it was discovering that there was NO VULNERABILITY after all! In fact, the position of loving from a strictly “giving” standpoint meant that it never, ever felt “taken” or “robbed” or “violated”. It went forth from my heart and no longer belonged to me but rather to those whom I directed it to. So if it was neglected, discarded or even mocked, it could not hurt me because what these people were harming was a gift that already belonged to them. And in my eyes, they were robbing themselves and that just left me with sadness for them and never hurt.

Somewhere in the last few years, for some reason, I have started guarding my heart (as though it actually belonged to me!). My patience and grace towards others seems stretched thin and rather than look for what may be “the other side of the story” I just assume that others are being unfair, unloving and/or cruel.

What happened???

I have particularly noticed this where my ex-husband is concerned. I do not know what history I can reveal here that would allow me to share my heart without stepping into what is also his truth and what he might prefer to keep private. But I will do my best to share what I think is fair and hope that I do not cross a line anywhere.

Suffice it to say that I ended the marriage due to nearly ten years of frustration from the same issues over and over and over again despite reading books, attending therapy sessions, seeking out my soul through desperate prayer, surrendering to things as they were, etc... Now in my ex’s defense, I am sure the poor guy was frustrated that I couldn’t just love him for the way he was, but in my naiveness, I agreed to marry him under the condition that things would CHANGE. We had had Melina when I was sixteen (he was nineteen) and although my heart had believed in a “soul mate” somewhere out there, it seemed more and more evident that marrying him was just the “right thing to do” and that my convictions of a soul mate was merely the fabrications of a desperate heart that belonged in a fairy tale.

Years of unhealthy tendencies (on both our parts) yielded to years of exhaustion, basic survival, just going through the motions of living, and finally growing resentment. It dawned on me at last that I loved him too much to head down this road any further, that we could be better parents if we were only friends. And I was right!

But we have to deal with each other on a weekly basis, touching base on Isabel’s doctors’ appointments, recent seizure activity, daycare & school needs, medical supplies needed, Melina’s after school activities, shared expenses, negotiating special occasion dates, etc... We seldom agree on anything and we are left with two VERY different households! Where is the middle ground when it feels like that middle ground is two worlds away??

The result is a heart growing colder and colder in revealing God’s grace and unconditional love. Each situation is approached with a heavy history and I am quick to get angry and defensive. I struggle with isolating the current issue at hand without pointing out the repetition of it in our history and the question of “why can’t this stop?” And even if those occasions can arise when I am isolating the issue at hand, it seems that my efforts are thwarted by his struggle with leaving the past in the past, also... we just can’t seem to win.

I am often exhausted from trying to word things properly, approach topics diplomatically and even in trying to prepare myself mentally for possible misunderstandings but I would much prefer to spend that time in prayer, in gratitude that we have children resulting from our union and thankful that our intentions ARE to work together for their sake. I would prefer to shed and be rid of any time spent pushing away feelings of anger, resentment and even hatred at times.

It is such ugliness in my soul and it does not belong where God’s light is meant to shine! Perhaps reaching out and saying to him “James, I am sorry for where I fail you in loving you as a child of God” would be helpful. After all, God has called us all to be SERVANTS to one another. This means that we should not be seeking to meet OUR requests and OUR desires but rather striving to meet those of others!

But how do we balance “giving” without letting it feel like a “taking”? Perhaps I answered myself earlier... if I am truly giving (without condition) than that gift of giving no longer belongs to me and there is nothing left to “take”. Obviously I am struggling with giving unconditionally where my ex is concerned and perhaps this is where I am needing your prayers and your wisdom.

So after this very long winded confession of my failure as a child of God towards my ex-husband, would you be kind enough to send forth what your heart compels you to share, whether through silent prayer or direct advice? I am open to hearing all criticism and encouragement.

And perhaps I need to also ask for your forgiveness... because where I am weak in my own faith, I am weak in my prayers for you. So may I beautify my soul for the sake of God and for the sake of my prayers reaching Him more directly. And may I walk by my soul mirror and be thankful with what God has made of me... stretch marks and all!

With all my love, in all its strength and weakness, I send you a deep “God bless!”

About Baby Vaags

Some additional news regarding our unborn baby...

At sixteen weeks, I went for an ultrasound only to discover that they wanted me to come back in six weeks to further investigate the solid mass that was appearing where the baby's left kidney should be. May 19th was when we finally got our fetal assessment and we learned that Baby Vaags has several cysts within the peripheral wall of the left kidney. What does this mean? As long as the cysts do not cause any problems (infections, pain, etc...) then they will simply leave it alone. They cannot assess if there is any function in that kidney at this time but the good news is that the right one is perfectly beautiful and working 100%! We have been blessed with many prayers and reassurances from others who know of friends and family members who have lived fulfilling lives with only one kidney.

It is not what we would hope for but my sisters offered me great peace, in particular, my sister Linda who pointed out to me: "God never gives us more than we can handle. He promised us that. So this is a testament to the STRENGTH He has ALREADY equipped your children with who will face a life time of health issues."

WOW!!! Never even thought to look at it that way! To me, it just felt like an innocent, helpless little baby thrown into a lion's den and all I can do is watch helplessly outside this locked cage and pray fervently that the lions are not hungry or perhaps vegetarian!! Instead, that comment helped me realize that no differently than God equipped a small David with a few stones to face a giant Goliath, He has not left my children unequipped to face their health issues...

Isabel, with her toothy grin and gentle disposition. She brings joy to so many people's hearts despite her physical limitations and sufferings.

Ethan with his intelligence will no doubt seek answers or at least be capable of the self-discipline required in keeping himself safe from his many allergies.

And now Baby Vaags... we shall see what character will emerge with this one and how that will serve him/her in the purpose of living life with one functioning kidney. But the comfort is there in knowing God will not leave Baby Vaags defenseless.

And for this mother who cannot yet understand why three of her five children must deal with significant health issues, it is a comfort beyond words that these children rest in His loving hands. And no differently than the way His Will kept Daniel safe in the lions' den, so will He keep these children safe from anything that could destroy them.

I do not have to fight those battles or feel guilty that I cannot. I can seek comfort in our Lord's grace and TRUST that all will be for His glory in the end.

Peace be with you all out there. I have missed you and this feeling in my heart when I finally sit and devote my attention to reaching out and connecting. May you all find comfort in your own battles trusting that as far as you get stretched, someone knows your capabilities better than you do and you are stronger than you think. Much love, ALWAYS!

Far too long!

My poor blog... it has been forever!!!

Things are incredibly hectic... had a couple of weeks from H-E-double hockey sticks! (apts upon apts, driving Izzy to and from school three hours a day with both kids, being a temporary widow while Duane lived out on the tractor for two weeks of seeding, and no John to help, etc...) But we survived, however, we are all very sick with nasty colds. Ethan in particular had high fevers for a couple of days and we spent our days just holding him and trying to keep him somewhat content. No fun, I tell ya!

But we finally found some wonderful second hand bunk bed bedroom furniture for Ethan and Anika and they are now sharing a room rather successfully. We also landed some beautiful pine furniture for Isabel's room which finally looks like a real "space" now. Melina is wondering when she gets a spruced up bedroom look... yeah, it will have to wait until we've saved up once again!!! Mind you, she had the second nicest bedroom suite in the house so I am thinking she is just going to have to be happy with what she's got.

The baby's room is set aside (Anika's old room) but there is lots of work to be done in there as I went to take Anika's posters down and ripped parts of the wall off!! Plaster is such a blast... NOT!

Gained fourteen pounds in six weeks which I think may very well be a record in the world of ridiculous pregnancy weight gain. Having said that, I have baked an amazing carrot cake, some cheese biscuits (my very first successful biscuits!) and some pretty awesome muffins. I have stopped baking cookies as I have not been able to exercise any form of self-control with homemade cookies in the house... and I wonder where the amazing fourteen pounds came from... Seriously, where on EARTH do these horrible cravings come from???

The baby is darling and I can just FEEL how cute this one is!! We have both our girl and boy name chosen and I just cannot shake the feeling that we are meant to have BOTH of them in our lives. We will see where God will lead us in that one...

My Dad and stepmother, Marj, helped me plant my garden just south of the kitchen window so we'll see if I have ANY luck with finding my green thumb somewhere deep within! If caring for house plants is a testament to my gardening abilities, we may be in serious trouble! I have a few more rows to plant yet, but with the torrential rains we've had, I am wondering if becoming rice-farmers might be a wiser game plan! Oh you should have seen the rains... between the strange clouds swirling around above our house and the high winds and literal downpour... I thought we'd have to seek some gofer wood to built an arc in an awful hurry. Thank God the fields have been draining successfully and we'll just have to wait and see how the seeds/plants have managed... perhaps they have evolved in some way and have grown gills!

Melina and I are still working away at her DVD math lessons every week and she's doing rather well. She has a music recital coming up on the 12th and just loves her opportunities to sing. I can hardly believe she will be turning fifteen this month... sigh.

Izzy's lift system is FINALLY installed (on her birthday, to be exact) and we are going to get the training on the fifteenth. The Occupational Therapist coming out sounds like a real gem of a guy so I'm looking forward to laughing at our attempts to dangle my daughter from the rafters!

Anika and Ethan LOVE the fenced in front yard and huge play structure we got for them. It took John a few weeks to assemble the whole thing so in his honour, we have named the play structure, "The Tower of John". Upon its completion, Anika exclaimed with such joy "Oh John, you made me a slide! I just LOVE it! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Weeks later, upon our "thank you God for..." bedtime sessions, she still thanks God for the play structure... and for John!

Ethan is such a little man. Despite the structure being designed for ages 4 and up, he has figured out how to use the rock climbing ramp and the ladder. He won't go in the baby swing but rather sits in the big kid swing alongside his big sister. He is talking up a storm these days with an ever expanding vocabulary that has me rather impressed. He is even speaking in sentences!!! Amy said to me the other day "he speaks better than most of my Korean students who have been taking English classes for many years!" He loves the new bunk beds (despite the lower bunk being freakishly low). He calls it "new bed" and is pretty good staying in so far although after nap today, he surprised us by coming down the stairs... considering we have barricaded the sides of his bed, I do not want to know what he had to do to get out of his bed... The kids keep each other up until late chatting and laughing but I can't find myself able to sternly go into their rooms and tell them to stop all that fun! But it has resulted in some grumpy kids... sigh. Poor Ethan would make an occasional bang sound and I would hear "oh, bonka my head."

We have also welcomed more "life" on the farm this past week. Duane picked up six turkey chicks and twenty-six chicken chicks so the farm is "chirping" with life once more. Unfortunately, the circle of life is well exemplified here on the farm and a cat managed to get a hold of one of the turkey chicks within the first fifteen minutes of them moving in!


We also had an incident with Anika who was reaching over trying to pet one of the chicken chicks who had been brave enough to venture towards her at the edge of the little fenced-in area. Unfortunately, Anika was so excited about reaching the chick that she fell forward over the little fence putting her hands out in front of her to brace herself which meant landing on the little chick... oh it did not stop there... Anika could not get her leverage to push herself back up so she kept having to push down on the squealing chick in order to get back onto her feet... Sigh. She looked at me in a panic and said "what's wrong with the chick?!" whose head was now in an unnatural position. What else can I say? "Well, it was an accident, but when you fell onto your hands, you landed on the chick and hurt him very badly. He is dying."

She looked horrified and said "He's dying?" But the reality of the circle of life set in and she said somewhat sadly, "maybe you should put him up there" pointing to where Duane has been collecting the dead chicks. Oh dear me! At least she can face this logically, I suppose??? But because I am a huge proponent of idendifying your feelings and then communicating them, I asked her as we walked back to the house "How did your heart feel when you landed on the little chick who died?" And she replied "It felt very sad... and crunchy."

Not sure if the crunchy was how her heart felt or what it felt like landing on the chick... either way, I did not press for further explanation.

And that about sums up our lives on the farm these days!!

Our butler, man-servant, helper... but mostly, our friend!

In our ever expanding family, we have recently added (since the beginning of March) a much welcomed addition! My dear friend, Amy, who had flown in from Korea last June to live-in with us and help out where needed (kids, laundry, cleanup, emotional support, etc...) has returned permanently from Korea as of this past December. But she did not come alone. Well, she did... initially, but soon to follow suit was/is her darling fiance, John!

While Amy temporarily lives with her parents, John has respectfully chosen to live "off-premise" until they are married so as to allow Amy the time she needs to delve further into her research papers and continued efforts at getting her Masters degree in Applied Behaviour Analysis.

John and Amy are two of the smartest people I know and their research expertise has been graciously shared with me on countless occasions! I can fire off an email to either of them asking if they can give me a Coles Notes version of research on white blood cells or toilet training, childhood milestones, alternative approaches to boosting Ethan's immunity, etc... and within the hour, I will have an extensive email report summing up major research papers out there.

How AMAZING are they???

Simply put, words cannot say what a God-send these two have been to our lives and to our family.

John has a PhD in Chemical Engineering and is highly conscious of his carbon imprint on this planet! It is always fascinating to converse about his boycott choices and to delve further into HOW things are done and WHY. Watching CSI is especially hilarious with John as his British accent fills in to let us know how inaccurate the science or technology is behind the current scene! Hee hee hee!

Yes, John is from Britain and until he gets his Visa to work here in Canada, he has GRACIOUSLY chosen to live with OUR FAMILY and help around in any way possible: farming with Duane, cleaning the house (he makes a better housewife than me!!), playing with the kids while I make meals, putting together elaborate play structures (so sorry, John... but at least it will be named after you... the TOWER OF JOHN)... etc...

If I could have a quarter of the energy that John has and diligence in keeping things neat and orderly, I would be a very happy woman! Bless his heart, when I told him this, he humbly replied "It is both a blessing and a curse."

We've got hilarious stories and memories to treasure of the little ones loving John, testing his limits and pushing buttons! John says it's great practice in preparing him for family life after he marries Amy this June. Prior to meeting our kids, John had very little experience with toddlers. When he arrived here, he lowered himself to the kids' level and introduced himself. Anika was only a bit shy whereas Ethan ran over to him and hugged him!

Well, the way I see it, if John can survive the Vaags household, he can survive ANYTHING!

It has also been great fun to read about John's experiences here with us and in Canada on his blog: http://norepeat.wordpress.com/. He does AMAZING photography (you can even see the pictures he took of those prairie fires I was talking about) and his blog entries about the kids (whom he names child#2 and child#3) are hilarious! It's fun to see your children through someone else's eyes.

We have also had great fun introducing John to family and visitors as our butler and/or manservant on several occasions at which point most people look at us as though we are crazy. And then we elaborate and explain why he has come to live with us and they relax and smile and say "oh, that's so nice."

We love you, John, and are so grateful for the wonderful ways you help our family!! May God richly bless you for the measure of graciousness you have shared with us!

Meet Keeshka

Our latest addition (and not the one growing in my womb) is Keeshka... our puppy. She is half Pyrenees and half golden retriever.

Why o why would we get a dog, you wonder? Well, after Duane came across five wild coyotes strolling around in our yard, unafraid of him, in broad daylight... we figured it might be time to get a family protector (especially for the little ones).

And then, a month ago, while I was taking the small kids for a walk to the hay shed, we came across HUGE bear prints leading up to the little forest by our house. Anika was excited by this and said "I will feed the bear and it will be my friend."

Yeah, you'll feed the bear, alright!

So bing, bang, boom, after a few internet searches, we discover the bonding and herding instinct of pyrenees dogs (and massive size) combined with the docile nature of a retriever, how can you go wrong?

The little ones LOVE Keeshka and she loves them, too. Although we are working with her on not nipping the children in her excitement to see them when we come outside to let her run around. She has grown so much in the few weeks we have had her! It is funny to watch her run up to the kids and progressively throw them down unintentionally because she cannot grasp that she is getting drastically bigger! The kids don't seem to mind one bit although Ethan will not hesitate to yell at her "Keeka! No biting!"

So far, no allergy flare-up for Ethan so we are hopeful that having Keeshka will not be harmful to him in any way. So there you have it... we finally have "life" on the farm again (besides coyotes and bears). Soon we will be getting chickens again, some turkeys (Duane's idea, not mine) and possibly sheep. The farm will be bustling with animals and the early rise routine of feeding them all, once again!

Much love to you out there and here's hoping you don't come across any fresh bear prints the next time you take a stroll outside...

Like a prairie fire

It has already been a few weeks since farmers around here had the opportunity to burn old swaths and other vegetation that could not be handled any other way until now. Duane had taken me for a quad ride at dusk as we watched the remnants of the golden flames leave a dark path of black where life once was. It was magical and beautiful in all of its power... no wonder Duane loves fire!

And it is a good thing he "knows" fire as well as he does. Not only as a firefighter but also as a farmer. Fire exhibits patterns of behaviour and you can cut a fire off by knowing the wind's direction and ironically, by fighting by starting another fire. Now I understand the saying "fighting fire with fire."

Now, I won't mention the one portion of our land that took off like a firecracker and left the municipality's deputy shaking a finger at Duane (good thing we are related... heck, they're all related out here!). But 99.9% of the time, Duane manages these blazes as though he was herding cattle. It is beautiful to watch.

It was not until the next day that I got to see the full effects of these fires. In the dusk lighting, I could see that it was blackened but in the full daylight, it looked as though someone had laid a blanket of black velvet over the earth. The smell of burnt grass and straw hung in the air if you stepped on the black carpeted earth and disturbed the ashes.

It looked like a beautiful death.

How on earth could anything survive this? Of course, I have to ask Duane this question and he explains that new life emerges stronger and more vibrant after "cleaning up" with a fire. I smiled at the depth of that statement.

What a metaphor for life... even in the midst of our deepest, darkest and most devastating chaos, our lives are merely being "cleaned" and prepared for stronger growth and more vibrant life!

Being Sabbath for us today, we typically enjoy a family quad ride around the perimeter of our farm. There on that once blackened hill is a greenery that outshines any of the new life growing anywhere else this spring. The sun beamed down fervently on that blackness as though enticing life from deep within the earth... and it responded!

God must do the same thing for us... in our darkest moments, he beckons us with such fervor so as to entice the "life" that is deep within us as though summoning an old memory we can barely grasp at our fingertips.

Isn't it beautiful to know that death cannot touch us without new life emerging?

So here is this thought deep in my heart to be shared with you in hopes that you are comforted in whatever challenges you face right now... whatever your own experience is with "death" whether it is that of a relationship, that of life as you knew it, or that of a loved one. I pray that new life be stirred deep within you to remind you that you are deeper in life than you ever thought possible.

May you dance like a vibrant flame and burn rich like a prairie fire... stirring up new life everywhere you have touched.

Much love to you out there and God's richest blessings upon you today and always.

Sweet Cookie Goodness!

Last night I baked my first batch of fresh cookies in fifteen months!

Such a simple little task and yet it was as though I was baking cookies for the first time in my life. My first surprise was how much sugar and butter goes into cookies!! I almost felt guilty baking them and feeding them to my family! I have had an unopened 1 Kg bag of white sugar for the last year and I think I used an eighth of it last night... sigh. And the butter? A cup of butter will easily last us about a week or two in this house but I used a WHOLE cup in that glorious mixture of heavenly sinful yummy goodness that melts in your mouth... oh dear, must wipe up the drool (or go have my third cookie of the day!).

I am thinking I may not be able to make these cookies too often as all form of self-restraint is out the window. I find it sad that as I am playing outside with the kids this morning, my thoughts keep going back to those perfect little circles on my kitchen counter that are packed with butter and sugar (but hey, some rolled oats, too). Please tell me that some of you out there are also asking yourselves "Does anyone else think about cookies as much as I am right now?"

Even as I type this, the remnants of my morning snack lingers in my mouth like a taunting tease. Listen to me! You'd think I was talking about a long lost lover or something... but it's COOKIES for crying out loud! COOKIES!

Needless to say, going off my hypoallergenic diet has proven to be disastrous... I have quickly re-adapted to the conventional north american diet of gluten-rich, cheese-ridden, dairy filled food. And while my taste buds have certainly celebrated the long lost connection, my body certainly has not!

Granted, I typically gain quite a bit of weight with each of my pregnancies, regardless of diet & exercise but this one may very well be a record! I am seventeen weeks pregnant and have gained a pound for each week that I have been pregnant!!! Despite the fact that my tiny little baby only weighs five ounces... sigh. Let's blame the doubled blood volume, increased breast tissue and litres upon litres of amniotic fluid... yeah, let's go with that!

Anyways, all of this to share with you the sheer delight in eating a homemade cookie once again. Pretty sad, I know, but part of me is also hoping that some of you will post some comments to reassure me that I am not alone in this sudden obsession!! PLEASE!

Did someone say "cookies?"

It's been a long time since I have made a point of sitting down to blog and there is much to update but instead, I chose to talk about cookies. I will let this moment pass and try to be more diligent in sharing updates about the actual living human beings who are supposed to matter more to me than food! Much love to all of you out there and here's hoping you each have that one special something that brings you sweet joy and excitement!!